Chapter 9

Tick-Tock Goes the Hot Sauce…

NOW

(Leith)

Amy hated anything hot. Even black pepper. She could taste it from a mile away. And at first, it was kind of cute. I could eat the hottest sauces in front of her and she would be amazed by it. Or I could grab a pepper and eat it like nothing. Sure, it burned, but I liked it. And Amy would sit there, amazed that it didn't kill me. But if I tried to make anything at home that was too spicy, she'd complain. She would open the windows or light candles or get really mad at me over it.

Beth put down the last wing and puckered her lips together.

She exhaled a breath and blinked fast as tears filled her eyes.

With her fingers straight and bent back, she slapped the palms of her hands to her beer glass and lifted it.

She chugged the beer with the super-hot wing sauce stained on her fingers and around her lips.

She was a sloppy mess, the way I always pictured her in my mind.

I maybe should have felt like an asshole in that moment but I didn't.

The conversation with Amy on the phone really hit me hard. I wasn't even sure what we were right then either. She was gone. She was going to stay gone too. And I wasn't going to follow her. She knew that now.

"That was fucking hot," Beth said. "I need to wash my hands. But I want more."

"They were good," I said. "Probably the best around here."

"Way better than where I work."

"Restaurant?"

"Bar," she said. "Not the career I dreamed of. But it's a little bit of a fancy place, so I do okay. I'm surviving. That's all I could ask for right now."

Asking about her divorce was on the tip of my tongue.

I wanted to know everything.

Beginning to end.

Everything in between.

I wanted to find Joel and crack his jaw, like I should have done a long time ago.

But when Beth and I ripped each other's hearts out and she found comfort in Joel, I couldn't blame her. I could only blame myself. And when I blamed myself, I walked away.

I swallowed hard, pulling myself off the roller coaster of memories.

I wiped my hands with the wet napkin the bartender brought us.

Jessie was off tonight.

Which was maybe a good thing.

That made me feel like hell, worrying that Jessie would see me with Beth and then tell Amy…

"How did the teaching thing happen?" Beth asked.

"Just did," I said. "I forced my way to getting a degree. Which was torture. My life as a writer didn't seem to play out the way I wanted. So the next best thing was teaching, I guess. I wanted to teach older kids. I kind of saw myself as the cool high school teacher. Being able to be myself and relax and curse."

"But that didn't happen."

"Nope. I was working at a golf course."

"Golf?" Beth asked. She laughed. "Who are you? Teaching? Having a real job? A golf course?"

"I didn't play golf," I said. "I just maintained the grounds. It was the only real job I could find. When things…" I cleared my throat. "When I finally felt free of everything, I didn't want to do anything. Which is probably strange. So I took that job and I enjoyed it. Then I got the chance to interview for a third grade teaching job. It was supposed to be a temporary thing. And to answer your question… yes, everyone was a little scared of me. I don't look the part of a third grade teacher. But it worked. And here I am."

"Happily not engaged," Beth said with a wink.

She kept going back to that.

Which was her way of showing jealousy.

And it almost damn gave me a sense of butterflies to think she could still be jealous of me.

"Something else you want to say or ask me?" I asked.

"Nope," Beth said. She stood up. "I'm going to use the ladies' room. Wash this fire sauce off my hands before I lose my fingertips."

"Wimp," I muttered.

Beth laughed. "Pussy."

"Loser," I said.

She cocked her eyebrow. "Bitch."

She turned and walked away.

I told myself to look forward.

Which I did.

But my eyes looked to the left.

Her hips moved in a tick-tock motion, counting the seconds to trouble.

It was just a regular Thursday night.

Wings. Beer.

Then I'd head home.

To be alone.

Because Amy had taken off to New York and she wasn't going to come back. And I wasn't going to beg her to come back either. Because people deserved to be happy. Together. Or apart.

I looked to my left and Beth had been swallowed up by the crowd.

Everyone deserved to be happy.

There was just one problem.

I didn't know what happiness was anymore.

"Still trying to kill yourself with that?" Beth asked as I lit up the cigarette.

Thursday now had a new thing to it.

Wings. Beer. And a few smokes.

And if someone didn't like that, then they could kiss my ass.

Speaking of my ass… I casually touched my back pocket, thinking maybe my phone had buzzed.

"There's worse things in life," I said.

"That's true. What does the not-really-my-fiancée think of it?"

"You're really hung up on that, huh?"

"I'm just trying to understand it," Beth said.

"What? That I gave someone a ring?"

"Yeah. A fake ring."

"Trust me, that ring is not fake."

"The intention is. You just wanted her to stay. That's all."

I put my foot up against the building. "If you say so."

"I just did. So what is it?"

"Why does it matter to you?"

"Just curious."

"Stop being curious," I said.

"Okay. So what do you want to talk about then?"

Joel.

"I have to get going soon," I said. "School night."

"Oh, that's right. You're all grown up. You have to pick out your clothes, right? Probably get your egg white only breakfast ready too. Do you use almond milk in your coffee now too? Are you gluten free? A vegan?"

I pushed from the wall and walked right up to Beth.

I stared down at her.

She didn't move an inch.

She knew what she was doing.

Digging at me. Picking at me. Driving me fucking crazy like she always did.

And with the neon lights of the bar glowing across her face, her eyes were as dark and wild as ever.

"You're jealous I found someone," I said. "And you can't imagine me being happy. So what if I gave someone a ring? You don't know anything about me. Or Amy. What if we don't believe in marriage? And that's our way of laughing at it? And I like teaching third grade. Yeah, maybe it's not the dream career I had in mind, but so what? You're one to talk. You're a bartender, right? Where's the girl who used to sing? What happened to her?"

Beth just stood there, staring at me. "You're right. I don't know anything about you. Or Amy. And I didn't show up here to start any trouble. I'm just messing with you. I'm happy that you're happy. I think it's weird you hide in a bar to be yourself, but I guess I understand it. You're a teacher. Sure. And that girl that used to sing? I'm pretty sure she's still counting the stars with the boy who used to write."

When I blinked, I saw us.

On the hood of my first car. That piece of shit car that only started when it felt like it. But that piece of shit car was where we first… well…

"So that's where we're at," I said. "What was and what is. How beautifully perfect."

"Are you telling me a story now?" Beth asked.

"No. Just finishing my smoke so I could get home."

"This is a far cry from the way things used to be."

"Well, that's what time does. You're divorced. I'm sort of engaged. Life is crazy."

"Is it though?" Beth asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it… everything is the same, Leith. It's all there to take. I think people just kind of compromise. You know? It's like climbing a mountain. You get excited to do it. You get so far up and then worry you'll never get to the top. So you stop where you're at and tell yourself you did good just by being there."

"Have you ever climbed a mountain?"

"No," Beth said and laughed.

"Do you want to?"

"No."

"Yeah, neither do I," I said.

"So, what do you want to do then, Leith?"

Now that question was nothing but temptation.

"I want to get through tomorrow. The kids are always crazy on Friday."

"Yeah. I bet they are."

"Hey," I said. "I haven't talked about it yet…"

"Then maybe you shouldn't," Beth said quickly.

"You don't even know what I was going to say."

"How do you know? I'm pretty sure there's enough elephants around us right now that we can start a zoo."

I shook my head. "You always had the worst comparisons. Stick to music."

Beth grabbed the cigarette from between my fingers and dropped it to the sidewalk and crushed it with her foot.

"You shouldn't smoke. I'd hate to see your maybe-soon-to-be-wife end up losing you."

My hands curled into fists. "She's never going to be my wife, Beth."

The words just came out.

I wasn't thinking straight.

And it had nothing to do with booze. Two beers didn't do a damn thing to me.

But Beth did.

"Keep telling yourself that," she said. "I'll let you get home now. Make sure you have your shit together for tomorrow."

There was an awkward pause before I reached for her.

I moved in for a hug where I used two hands and she used one hand. She made a fist and banged it off my back.

That hurt a little.

But I understood.

What didn't hurt was the way her body felt against mine.

I ended the hug quickly.

Beth smiled and walked away.

I grabbed her wrist, like I did earlier in the night.

"Did he tell you to stop singing?" I asked her.

Beth swallowed hard.

She hated to show any signs of weakness or pain. She masked it by doing something crazy to get herself into trouble.

Her silence was the answer.

Fucking Joel.

"You're not with him now. You should sing."

"Maybe I lost my voice a long time ago, Leith."

"Maybe you can get it back," I said.

"Maybe we can talk about it next Thursday."

"Yeah," I said. "Maybe."

I let Beth go and watched her walk away.

I put my hand my mouth and smelled smoke and hot sauce.

In some way… that was Beth.

Not flowers and perfume and romantic nights.

But nights that were intense, wild, running on the edge of trouble and forever at the same time.

Only now, it wasn't about forever.

It was about waiting until next Thursday.

"Hello?" I whispered in a groggy voice.

"It's not right, Leith."

"Amy, what's wrong?"

"Us," she whispered.

"You're drunk. It's one in the morning. I've got school in a few hours."

"Just tell me the truth. Tell me you're never coming here."

I shut my eyes. "Amy…"

"I deserve the truth."

"So do I," I said. "You're doing the same thing to me. Just up and going like you did. You know that too. You took off because you'd rather have this conversation over the phone. How is that fair?"

"So that's it then?" she asked. "We're just leaving it all fall apart?"

"I'm home, Amy," I said. "You're not."

"What if I am home, Leith?"

"Then I guess… then I guess you stay and be happy."

"And us?"

I didn't know what to say.

I sat up in the bed that was once just mine but I had since shared with Amy. Her clothes took up half the closet. She had stuff on the dresser she brought with her. The one with the mirror. I had been fine with a four drawer dresser and no mirror. But she wanted the mirror. We had done stuff in front of that mirror so we could watch in the reflection…

"Leith?" Amy asked.

I didn't respond.

"Leith…"

I swallowed hard.

"Great. He fucking falls asleep. I should have known better. This was going to happen. I knew it from day one."

"Just hang up the phone," another voice said.

It wasn't a woman's voice.

But in some twisted way, I really didn't care.

I probably trusted Amy as much as she trusted me. And she shouldn't have trusted me. I told her I was leaving my job to move to New York with her. Then again, she looked me in the eyes and said she was going to New York just to clear her head.

That was weeks ago.

I hadn't seen Amy or touched Amy in weeks. That didn't mean our time together was a waste, but I felt as though any time spent together now would end up as a waste.

I turned my phone to silent and put it on the nightstand, then put my head back on the pillow.

Right next to me was an empty pillow.

When I shut my eyes, I pictured someone there.

And it wasn't who it should have been.