Chapter 10

Not the First Time Back Here…

THEN

(Leith)

When she sings, the stars stop twinkling.

They just exist.

Just like me.

"What are you writing?" Beth asked as she jumped up on the hood of my car.

The hood made a horrible metal popping sound which I made the lethal mistake of once pointing out, which implied to Beth that I was telling her she weighed too much.

Which she didn't.

Which I never would do anyway.

She was perfect the way she was.

The hood of the car was rusted on the edges already, and some of the bumps didn't fully come out.

But it didn't matter.

I loved when she sang in the dark.

And she always thought I was writing about her.

Which I usually was.

She fell on top of me, my back to the windshield. Everything we were doing was horribly stupid and wrong. I was probably causing more damage to my already piece of junk car. We were on private property, next to the cornfield owned by some rich farmer who hated teenagers.

And he really hated me.

Not so much Beth, even though she was the one who instigated all the trouble we caused out here.

We were told not to come back, but this was her spot to sing.

It was either this place or the creek.

But the creek was noisy.

And up here, it was so dark, the stars just filled up the sky like nothing I'd ever seen before.

I asked Beth once if she even brought any other boys up here and the way she smiled made me insanely jealous. She did tell me that she never had another boy up here.

Even still… just that thought of her…

Beth dug her fingers into my ribs.

I let out a yell and laughed.

She grabbed the notebook out of my hands and straddled me on the hood of the car.

Suddenly the stars didn't seem so pretty.

She tucked her black hair behind her ears and started to read my writing back to me.

Which I really hated.

But I loved her voice.

" ‘So there I was, just standing there - well, sitting there - and I was watching her dance with the night. Their hands all over each other but it doesn't make me jealous because I know she'll turn away from the night and look at me.' "

Beth dropped the notebook to my chest.

"You like?" I asked.

"It's weird. But I like it."

"Weird? What?"

She laughed. "I don't like when you write about me. It makes me feel…"

"You love it," I said.

I grabbed her sides and squeezed. She screamed and jumped. She made fists and slammed them down to my chest.

"You have to be quiet," I said as I wrestled to sit up.

"Then don't do anything stupid," Beth said.

My right hand slid up her back, over her shirt, right into her hair.

There was something about the smell of her hair. It wasn't the clean smell of shampoo. No. That wasn't Beth. Not that she was dirty or anything, but she wasn't all prim and proper. She smelled like… Beth. With a hint of cinnamon. But that was from her gum. She chewed cinnamon gum like crazy. And she still wore cherry Chapstick but not like she used to do.

"Are you going make this more awkward or kiss me?" Beth asked.

"I prefer awkward."

"Loser," she said as she slipped her hands between us and pushed me back.

"Prude," I whispered.

She scoffed. "Fucknerd."

"Asshead."

Beth swiped my notebook off the hood of the car and flipped through the pages. "When are you going to do something with this?"

"The moment you decide to actually sing for people."

"Bullshit," Beth said.

"Oh well."

"I'm serious."

"So am I," I said. "Sing one of my writings."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes," I said in a deeper voice.

Beth rolled her eyes.

"Come on," I whispered. "It's just us. We're just hanging out."

Beth flipped through the pages.

" ‘When all I've taken becomes all I've lost, that's when I'll know if it's all worth it.' " Beth looked at me and licked her bottom lip. That's when she started to sing to me. " ‘When I walk away and find my way, that's when I'll know if I was ever really lost at all. When I speak the words and watch them hit you, that's when I'll know if the truth really does matter at all…' "

Beth suddenly started to blink fast.

"Whoa," I whispered. "Beth… angel…"

She put a finger to my lips and shook her head.

She had somehow gotten to herself.

Which rarely happened.

She slowly closed the notebook and put it on the hood of the car.

"I'm fine," she said.

"You sure?"

"I said I was fine, Leith."

"Hey, it's okay. I was just checking on you, angel."

"Angel," she said.

"I know you hate that."

She growled. "Now it's my turn to get something I want from you."

"Fair enough. Name it."

"I'll show it," she said.

"Oh?"

Beth leaned forward and put her lips to my ear. "Hint… it's in the back seat."

It wasn't our first time in the back seat of my car. But this piece of junk car was where our first time…

I touched her cheek and smelled the dusty old smell of the back seat. I always kept a bunch of blankets and two sleeping bags in it too. I told my grandmother it was for an emergency but she wasn't born yesterday. She knew what it was for, as did everyone else.

I made us a little bed that somehow worked.

At the moment, it was nothing but kissing.

The two of us trying to impress one another, which was fine by me. Because the more we kissed, the better everything felt.

Beth put her hand to my hand and peeled it away from her cheek.

I broke the kiss and kissed the tip of her nose.

The heat in the car was all us. The car wasn't running.

Her cinnamon breath and cherry-tasting lips. Hair, sweat, soap, shampoo, my cheap attempt at something like cologne that was just body spray from a can. The smell of blankets. The sleeping bag feeling too sweaty and sticky.

Beth's hands dug under my shirt at my skin, scratching.

"Do we love each other, Leith?" she whispered.

"What? Love?"

"Never mind."

"No, wait a second," I said. "I do. With you. I love… you."

"Are you sure?" Beth asked.

I swallowed hard. "Of course. I mean, I know we're not… you know… it's not like we're dating or going out, right? We're just…"

"We trust each other," she said. "We have each other. You don't go out with anyone else, do you?"

"Me? Hell no."

"Okay."

I opened my mouth, wanting to ask her the same.

She knew what I was going to ask so she kissed me to steal my question. Because maybe she didn't want me to know the answer. And maybe I didn't even want to know the answer.

Beth was crazy. But in a perfect and beautiful way. She'd kiss guys at parties. More than one guy, for fun. She'd have guys chasing her around. Sometimes she'd dance on tables and counters. Sometimes she'd lift her shirt…

I broke the kiss again.

"What do you feel about me?"

"Oh, I feel a lot," Beth said.

She giggled and had that crazy look in her eye.

I knew that look.

Oh, I really liked that look.

We were already in the back seat so I knew what was going to happen. But to see the look…

"Tell me what you feel," I said.

"Do you really just want to talk right now?" Beth asked. "I mean, I'm in the back seat of your car, Leith. I'm… ready…"

But I want to know if you love me.

I met Beth for one more kiss.

A bright light shined into the car. That was followed by the heavy clunking sound against the window.

"Shit," Beth squealed as she laughed.

She lived for this kind of stuff.

Me… not so much.

I lifted my head and squinted as the light damn near blinded me.

I couldn't tell who it was.

But… they were wearing a police badge.