Chapter 4

four

T he obnoxious beeping of Ozzie’s alarm broke through his blissful sleep. He woke with a growl, reaching out to slap his phone right off the nightstand. Once it was muffled by the carpet, he rolled over and found himself face to face with Tuesday. The memories of the day before, which he’d actually brushed off as a dream, came flooding back to him. His cheeks got hot instantly, and he was suddenly incredibly awake.

Yup.

Definitely a hot alien in his bed.

The same hot alien who he’d done sexy stuff with last night.

Tuesday was still sleeping, cuddled up to Ozzie’s side like a koala bear. His arms and legs were hooked over him, but they’d melted back into glittery slime.

Ozzie smiled down at him, and gently brushed Tuesday’s arm where skin met goo.

Tuesday looked so sweet and peaceful like this.

Ozzie hated to wake him, but he knew he had to get up for work.

“Tuesday?” Ozzie murmured, rubbing Tuesday’s arm more firmly.

Tuesday purred in reply to the touch, and more of his body turned to goo, cementing himself against Ozzie’s side as he smiled warmly.

“Oh... Okay, that’s a thing that just happened.” Ozzie snorted, unsure how he felt about being Nickelodeon slimed in his own bed, but it was surprisingly cozy. He curled an arm around what remained of Tuesday’s body and hugged him close. “Guess I can be just a little late today.”

Tuesday murmured something and his eyes peeked open. He grinned sleepily, mumbling, “Mmm, you’re gonna be very late cause I’m very, very comfy.”

Ozzie smiled. “Well, I do get there on time every day. I don’t have much of a commute.” He chuckled softly, meeting Tuesday’s gaze. “Hi.”

“No? It’s close by?” Tuesday yawned. “That’s nice.”

“Yep! About oh, thirty feet.” Ozzie shrugged and nodded toward the bedroom door. “Usually on the couch and then just a quick skip down the hallway to my office.”

“Oh!” Tuesday laughed. “You work here? At your house? What do you do?”

“Yeah!” Ozzie grinned, ruffling up Tuesday’s bright pink hair. “I do tech support for an electronics company! Did you try turning it off and on again? That kinda shit.”

Tuesday blinked. “Are humans… Hmm, let me think of how to ask this delicately.” He hummed. “Yeah, okay, are humans stupid? How do they not know how to turn stuff on and off?”

“Some of them are pretty stupid.” Ozzie snorted, letting his head fall back against the pillow. “Which gives me job security at least.”

“Oh, well, that’s good.” Tuesday beamed. “I was a chef on my planet. Well, almost. I only had one job ever and I was still in school for it, but I think I was pretty good at it.”

“Really? Do gotta love a guy who cooks.” Ozzie nuzzled into Tuesday’s hair, breathing in his sweet scent. “Maybe I’ll just have to hire you instead of DoorDash for lunch.”

“Come on.” Tuesday kissed Ozzie softly. “I’ll make us breakfast.”

“Spoiling me already?” Ozzie melted into the kiss, sliding his fingers into Tuesday’s fluffy pink hair.

“Gotta make sure you keep me around,” Tuesday teased. “And I’m pretty sure humans need more than orgasms to survive.” He smooched Ozzie one last time before jumping out of bed, the gooey parts of his body reshaping into limbs and skin once more.

“Yeah, that we do. Unfortunately. Or maybe fortunately. I wouldn’t have lived this long on only orgasms.”

“Don’t worry, baby.” Tuesday grabbed Ozzie’s hands to pull him out of bed. “I can give you both.”

“Aren’t I lucky? You’re like a Christmas miracle.” Ozzie squeezed Tuesday’s hands as he got up. He leaned down to rescue his phone and turn the alarm off. “Whatcha gonna make?”

“I dunno yet! Kinda depends on what I find in your kitchen.” Tuesday bounced on his heels. “Thinkin’ cheeseburgers, fries, maybe some milkshakes…”

“For breakfast?” Ozzie snorted, pausing long enough to grab a fresh T-shirt as they left the room. “Only if you put bacon on it. Then it’s breakfast.”

“I think I can handle that.” Tuesday skipped ahead to the kitchen. He opened the fridge, humming as he bent over to dig around in the drawers.

Ozzie couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across his lips as he tugged his new shirt on and checked the clock on the stove. He had to be logged on in ten minutes, but he usually got his coffee while he waited for the first calls or emails to come through. “Can I help you find anything?”

“No, no, I got this.” Tuesday waved him away as he pulled a pack of hamburger out of the fridge. “You do whatever you gotta do.”

“Okie dokie. Make yourself at home.” Ozzie flopped down at his kitchen table and opened up his work laptop.

From what Tuesday was grabbing, it very much looked as if he was making burgers. He chopped up half an onion and some garlic to add to the hamburger in a big bowl, poured in a bunch of soy sauce, and continued to add more spices to the mix.

Ozzie turned sleepy eyes to his screen to log in, his thick fingers typing in his password automatically. As it loaded, he turned his attention back to Tuesday. “So food’s the same, wherever you came from? Or are there Earth food restaurants?”

“Oh yeah. The Grays have been kidnapping humans forever and a couple of ’em have opened up diners and stuff in other galaxies.” Tuesday mixed together the hamburger and then formed several patties, glancing back over his shoulder at Ozzie.

“That’s... lovely.” Ozzie grimaced.

“I’m joking. Oh my God.” Tuesday cackled. “You’re so gullible.”

“Well, I’m so sorry for not being up on my other-worldly cultures.” Ozzie scowled, and his face grew hot.

“Just teasing you, baby. Most aliens are pretty chill. Well… not all of them. Ugh. But mostly.” Tuesday giggled, pausing to wash his upper hands while his lower set put a frying pan on the stove. “How do you like your burgers? Extra dead or with some moo in them?”

“Um, mostly dead,” Ozzie answered with a laugh, clicking away as he got set up for the day. “Speaking of not chill aliens... tell me about your ex. Like is he gonna bust into my bathtub looking for you?”

Tuesday flinched, fumbling with a spatula and dropping it on the floor. He grabbed it and then turned to the sink to wash it, mumbling, “What? No. Uh. He might, maybe... blow up the planet .” He grinned, saying at normal volume, “Right! So, mostly dead! On it.”

Ozzie’s blood went cold and his fingers froze on the keyboard. “Ha ha. That’s hilarious.” He chuckled nervously, his eyes searching Tuesday for a sign he was joking.

Tuesday’s bubbly demeanor cracked as he scrambled over to the stove to start on the burgers, his lower arms melting into slime. His left leg followed suit, as if he was having trouble keeping himself together—quite literally.

“Tuesday?” Ozzie prompted.

“My ex is, uh, he’s a real jerk.” Tuesday swallowed hard. “Like I said. Narcissistic, okay? And, and he’s... He’s just not a great person. He’s maybe sort of an, uh, conqueror of worlds type? Like, well, you know. Space Genghis Khan. There we go. Just not nice.”

Oswald stared, trapped somewhere between amused and horrified.

Being compared to Genghis Khan did not inspire confidence.

At all.

“Just not nice,” Ozzie echoed. “Okay. He doesn’t sound bat-shit terrifying at all.”

“He is maybe a tiny bit.” Tuesday dropped the hamburger patties into the pan, hanging his head. “But... he’s also charming and way hot and…” He groaned, trying to reform his arms. “Just an absolute asshole . I… I had to get away from him, but he wouldn’t let me go. I tried for weeks. Months. And I was gettin’ kinda desperate. So, that’s why I stole his stupid transporter thingie and well, ended up here.”

“Well, I’m glad you did,” Ozzie said quietly, sympathy welling up inside of him. “Even if you did scare the crap outta me in the bathtub. You shouldn’t be trapped.”

“Thanks, baby.” Tuesday flashed Ozzie a bright smile. “I appreciate that.” He flipped the burgers. “I was thinking, you know... Maybe I could stick around here for a little longer? Especially since we’ve exchanged DNA and all that.”

Ozzie’s heart fluttered wildly against his ribcage at the thought of Tuesday being around more.

For someone who hated almost everyone, that was pretty fucking new.

“Yeah! I mean…” Ozzie cleared his throat, trying not to sound too eager. “Things are gonna be kinda crazy around here for a while with the holidays. You might not wanna be around for that.”

“Why not? Holidays kinda seem like fun!” Tuesday smiled warmly. “At least they look fun on TV anyway.”

“Sure! Everything is fun on TV.” Ozzie snorted, clicking on his inbox.

A few help messages were already waiting for him, and he clicked on the first one.

Tuesday kept on cooking and a few minutes later, he presented Ozzie with a hot juicy cheeseburger. “Ta-dah!”

Ozzie looked up from his computer with a hungry groan. “Damn, that looks incredible.” He pushed the laptop back a few inches to make room for the plate. “Thank you!”

Tuesday beamed. “You’re welcome. Dig in!” He sat beside Ozzie, shoving his own burger in his mouth.

Ozzie grabbed the burger and took a big bite. He couldn’t hold back a moan of pure delight as the taste exploded on his tongue. “Holy fuck, Tuesday. This is the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth.”

“Really? What about last night, baby?” Tuesday winked.

Ozzie inhaled a bite of the flawless burger, covering his mouth as he coughed. “Okay,” he gasped when he could get enough air to speak again. “Maybe second best.”

“That’s what I thought.” Tuesday smirked smugly.

“You’re hired.” Ozzie chuckled and ate some more of his burger. A new email popped up in his inbox, and he set the burger down to check it. Every client’s problem was always life or death, or so it seemed, so answering promptly was important.

“Oh yeah?” Tuesday grinned. “Hired, huh?”

“Yup.” Ozzie nodded, typing out instructions for the client to turn on their printer. “You can cook all my meals forever.”

“All right. But you're gonna have to pay me in cookies and sex.”

“Cookies and sex?” Ozzie snorted, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Guess I better get my grandma on the phone because I can’t bake for shit.”

“Whatever it takes.” Tuesday scooted closer, resting his chin on Ozzie’s shoulder and peeking at the computer. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Working. Gotta reply to emails and stuff when people need help. In just a second, I’ll move to my office and get ready to take phone calls.”

“Oh! You have to talk to them too?”

“Sometimes.” Ozzie shrugged. “Walk them through fixing their printer or their monitor or whatever it is. They tend to be, uh, older? And they love to chat and complain and yeah, I’m glad I get paid by the hour and not the call.” He glanced at the time. “Which I need to go get ready for.”

“Ready?”

“Yeah.” Ozzie stood and grabbed his laptop. “I have an office set up in my other bedroom. I’ll, uh, I’ll be in there. But hey, I can clock out for lunch.”

Tuesday blinked. “What about me?”

“What about you?”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Uh.” Ozzie shrugged, heading to his office down the hall. “Watch TV? Take a nap?”

Tuesday followed right behind him. “That sounds boring. Maybe I could help with your tech stuff!”

“Don’t think there’s much of a need for inter-dimensional type stuff on Earth.” Ozzie opened the door of his office with a snort.

The room was small, crowded with a desk and numerous shelves packed to the brim with various collectibles from some of Ozzie’s favorite fandoms. There were figures from Star Trek , replica weapons from Firefly , and dozens of various Lord of the Rings items. He had several photographs scattered throughout, either of family or signed autographs from celebrities he’d ordered online.

“Whoa.” Tuesday stared in awe. “What’s all this?”

“Not for you to touch,” Ozzie warned as he set the laptop down at his desk and sat. “It’s my stuff, okay? My very personal, sometimes very expensive, stuff.”

“But they’re toys.”

“ Expensive toys.”

“So, I can’t play with ’em?”

“No.” Ozzie put his headset on. “Now shoo. I gotta work!”

Tuesday slowly gravitated toward one of the shelves, but he put all of his hands behind his back as if to prove he wasn’t going to touch anything. “Wow.”

Ozzie turned around, frowning. “Hey!”

“Okay, okay!” Tuesday turned his nose up and marched to the door. “I am gonna go smoke all your weed and eat your food.”

Ozzie snorted out a laugh. “Hey! Don’t you dare!”

“I dare anything. I’m Skeletor.”

“What?”

“I dunno. Heard it from some movie.” Tuesday wiggled his fingers in a little wave and then left the room.

Ozzie sighed, adjusted his headset, and got to work.

He breezed through his emails, talked a woman through hooking up her printer, and tried his best to not get distracted by Tuesday’s little visits. While Tuesday did leave Ozzie so he could focus on work, Tuesday did not stay gone.

He kept popping back in to see if Ozzie was done, or to ask if he needed anything to eat or drink, and would often sneak over to stare at his computer to see what he was doing. The attention was sweet, but it was difficult to focus with a beautiful alien constantly popping in and touching him and petting his hair and…

Yeah, Ozzie was not going to get anything done at this rate.

Eventually, it was time to clock out for lunch, and Ozzie had never been so relieved for a break. He took his headset and stretched, asking casually, “So, lunch?”

Tuesday peeked around the doorway from where he’d been hiding. “Hey, how did you know I was here?”

“I could literally hear you counting down the minutes even with my headset on.” Ozzie smirked. “You want some leftover pizza for lunch?”

“Is there actually any left?” Tuesday laughed. “I thought we ate it all last?—”

There was a knock at the door.

Ozzie froze.

“Oh!” Tuesday turned toward the sound. “Expecting somebody?”

Ozzie cringed, his panic hitting him like a bucket of ice water.

Derrick!

His brother.

His brother was here now.

Ozzie had been so caught up in Tuesday that he’d forgotten Derrick was coming by to bring him that crap for the company Christmas party. He had no idea how he would explain having Tuesday here, and he quickly grabbed one of Tuesday’s arms. “You gotta hide.”

“Hide?” Tuesday blinked. “What? Is it the cops?”

“No, maybe worse. It’s my brother.” Ozzie pushed Tuesday towards the bedroom. “If he sees you here, it’s gonna be an interrogation the likes of which Guantanamo Bay has never even seen.”

Tuesday dug in his heels. “Wait, what? Why can’t I say hi?” He flailed. “I will be on my best behavior!”

“Oh no. It’s not you. It’s him. Never in thirty years has he found me with a guy. This will be a whole fucking thing.” Ozzie huffed, giving Tuesday another firm push.

“Are you ashamed of me?”

“What? No!” Ozzie groaned. “Of course not! I just... I don’t even know what this is yet to try to explain it to my brother! I don’t want you getting stuck with all the family drama.”

“Okay. Fine.” Tuesday pouted and finally let Ozzie herd him into the bedroom. “I’ll stay here.”

“Thank you.” Ozzie sighed in relief. “Just chill and… I’ll be back in a bit.” He smooched Tuesday’s cheek and then hurried out, shutting the door behind him. He could still hear Derrick banging away and he quickly answered the door. “Hey!”

Derrick was carrying a brightly colored red dress shirt covered in Christmas lights on a hanger and an equally hideous matching tie, his brow furrowed. “Hey, you okay? Were you in the shitter or something?”

“You need to know my fucking bathroom schedule now?” Ozzie replied gruffly, stepping aside to let him in. “Was on a work call. Lady needed more help than I or Dr. Phil can provide.”

“Oh, okay.” Derrick shrugged as he headed into the kitchen. He waved the clothing, saying, “Here you go. One awesome shirt with super awesome tie. I just put a fresh battery in the tie too, so…” He paused, looking at the table curiously.

“Thanks! I’m gonna be the hit of the party.” Ozzie laughed and took the clothing from him, not really noticing what Derrick was staring at.

“Huh?”

“What?”

Derrick tilted his head. “Did you... have someone over?”

There were two plates on the table from breakfast.

Shit.

The burgers.

“Did I…” Ozzie froze. “What? Oh no... I uh... just didn’t clean up from dinner last night.”

“That’s not like you.” Derrick eyed the plates and glanced around the kitchen.

“Well, uh?—”

“Who did you have over for dinner then?”

“No one! I just... A plate was mine from dinner and one from breakfast.” Ozzie groaned, shuffling to the living room to deposit his borrowed items on the couch. He sighed, walking back into the kitchen as he explained, “I just got high and forgot about the plate.”

“Uh-huh.” Derrick seemed to be on high alert, his eyes scanning around suspiciously. “Sure.”

“Why are you so interested?” Ozzie crossed his arms over his chest. “Do I ask for details of your sex life?”

“Sex? Wait? Who’s having sex?” Derrick gasped, pointing at Ozzie. “ You !”

“What? No! I didn’t!” Ozzie could feel the heat rising in his neck and into his face, and there was nothing he could do about it. “Oh my God, can we just not have this conversation? Ever?”

“Okay. Who is he?” Derrick grinned. “Where did you meet? Wait, how did you meet someone? You never leave your house.”

“Shit.” Ozzie slapped a hand to his face and let out a groan. “He’s... Well, we met at a uh… It’s really kinda complicated.”

There was a soft giggle from around the corner.

“Come on. Define complicated.” Derrick’s grin grew. “What’s his name? What’s he do?”

“I’m not actually sure what he does,” Ozzie replied. “We haven’t really talked about that?—”

Derrick gasped. “Are you bringing him to the party?”

“Oh, I don’t know. It seems kinda soon for the whole family thing.”

Derrick stared at Ozzie.

“What?”

“You have…” Derrick tilted his head. “Why do you have glitter all over your face?” He gasped again. “Is he a dancer? Does he do crafts or something? Wait, is he here right now? You gotta let me meet him and tell him about the party?—”

“Did I hear something about a party?” Tuesday purred as he slinked out from where he’d obviously been eavesdropping, smiling sweetly. “I love parties!”

“Shit.” Ozzie’s heart skipped a beat just hearing Tuesday’s voice, and he knew there was no going back now. He huffed out a breath, turning to greet Tuesday with a strained smile. “Hi, babe.”

Oh, thank fuck.

Tuesday only had two arms right now.

“Tuesday, this is my brother, Derrick.” Ozzie waved between them. “Derrick, this is Tuesday.”

Tuesday stood behind Ozzie and draped his arms around his shoulders, beaming at Derrick. “Hi! Nice to meet you.”

Ozzie chewed his lip thoughtfully, his stomach doing somersaults as Tuesday embraced him so openly.

“Tuesday, huh? Hi!” Derrick immediately surged forward to grab Tuesday’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you too! Tuesday, okay. Do you have a last name?”

Tuesday laughed. “Of course I do!”

Derrick stared expectantly.

“It’s, uh… really hard to pronounce. Or spell.” Ozzie laughed anxiously. “Anyway hi, you met. Don’t you have that thing to be at? Right now? So, you should?—”

“What? My name is totally normal. You’re so silly, baby.” Tuesday giggled. “It’s Bobbiflay.”

It took every ounce of strength and self control that Ozzie possessed not to bark out a hysterical laugh at Tuesday’s improvised name. “Tuesday Bobbiflay,” he repeated, nodding and biting down on his lip. “Yup. That’s his name.”

“Tuesday Bobbiflay?” Derrick shrugged. “Oh, okay.” He grinned at Ozzie, batting his eyes. “Nope. I got nowhere else to be. I thought we’d have lunch together. But you didn’t tell me you’d have company.”

“Well, I, uh... You know... I like to keep things kinda quiet, you know. How I do… I do like that. Yes.” Ozzie had no explanation for the rambling nonsense tumbling from his lips, but he needed it to stop. He took a deep breath. “Lunch! I should order food then.”

“Which is how we met!” Tuesday chimed in. “I delivered his food, and we just hit it off. Yup. That’s what happened.”

“Yes.” Ozzie nodded automatically. “That is exactly what happened.”

“Oh, you’re a delivery driver?” Derrick asked. “DoorDash or Grubhub?”

Tuesday squinted. “Yes?”

“Yes,” Ozzie quickly confirmed.

“You work for both of them? Wow.” Derrick laughed. “Okay.”

“He’s very efficient.” Ozzie patted Tuesday’s arm which was wrapped around him and gave it a big squeeze. “Just crashed into my life with some take out and the rest is history! Speaking of, we should order food and change this topic!” He slipped away from Tuesday to swipe at his phone. “What’s everyone, uh, in the mood for?”

“You’re coming to the party, right?” Derrick ignored Ozzie, addressing Tuesday directly.

“Yeah!” Tuesday lit up. “I heard you guys talking about it when I just so happened to walk in.” He batted his lashes. “I love parties.”

Ozzie closed his eyes for a moment and tried not to panic. He had just met Tuesday and didn’t think bringing him to a big family get together was the greatest of ideas. It was a lot of pressure, there would be so many questions, and not to mention his family would be crushed when Tuesday eventually returned to his own world…

Planet? Reality? Whatever.

The thought of Tuesday leaving made Ozzie’s chest tighten, and he realized that maybe they should have discussed Tuesday’s future plans before they did stuff with tentacles.

“Our family has a shindig on Christmas every year,” Derrick said excitedly. “There’s food and we play games, sometimes people cry. It’s great!”

Ozzie tried to stay calm, adding, “Derrick cries when he loses.”

“What? I do not!” Derrick protested. “Because I don’t lose.”

“Sounds like a blast!” Tuesday glued himself to Ozzie’s back, cooing, “Can we go, baby? Please? I wanna go to the party and play games and see Derrick cry.”

Derrick laughed. “I don’t cry!”

“You do cry. Big fat crocodile tears.” Ozzie smirked at Derrick.

“I wanna see him cry,” Tuesday pleaded as he squeezed Ozzie. “Please, baby.”

“I…” Ozzie lifted his head, peeking up into Tuesday’s big eyes, and he knew he was helpless to resist. “Yeah, of course. We will go to the party. Together.”

“Really?” Tuesday squealed. He grabbed Ozzie and turned him around, pressing a deep kiss to his lips. “Oh, baby!”

Ozzie melted into the kiss despite the heat filling his cheeks. He kissed Tuesday back and let himself get caught up in the moment.

At least until Derrick’s voice broke the spell.

“Well, uh, I can see that I’m intruding here.” Derrick cleared his throat. “You two look really cute together, though. Like, wow. Just ready for new Facebook pics.”

“Thanks.” Ozzie chuckled, and he knew his face was as red as the hideous shirt Derrick had brought him. “I, uh, I appreciate that.”

Derrick pulled Ozzie into a big hug. “Oh, and you’re definitely bringing him to the party.” He grinned. “That is not a question. It’s a command.”

“Okay, okay.” Ozzie hugged Derrick back. “We’ll both be there and ready to party.”

“Hey!” Derrick grinned. “You taking him to your lil’ company party?”

“Oh?” Tuesday practically vibrated. “There’s another party?”

“Uh, yes, but, well.” Ozzie flinched, fighting the rising urge to slug Derrick. “I hadn’t gotten around to asking him?—”

“Yes!” Tuesday exclaimed. “The answer is always going to be yes.”

“All the more reason for me to get out of your hair!” Derrick smiled sweetly. “It was really nice to meet you, Tuesday. I’m sure I’ll see more of you very soon.”

Tuesday wiggled his fingers in a little wave. “Nice to meet you too, darling.”

“Can’t wait to tell everybody you’re gonna have a plus one!” Derrick gushed, heading to the front door. “This is gonna be great. They’re so not gonna believe me?—”

“Bye, asshole.” Ozzie snorted, rolling his eyes as Derrick left. “See ya!” He let out a sigh, his mind reeling at the sudden turn of events. “Guess we got some parties to go to.”

“Which means shopping !” Tuesday bounced excitedly and then looked down. “Yeah, definitely shopping. Because this is not a party outfit. Like, at all. And we have two parties to go to. Two!”

“Yeah, yeah, parties. Woo.” Ozzie waved his hands in mock excitement. “People. So much woo.”

“Come on.” Tuesday pouted. “They’re gonna be parties. With me. Which automatically makes them ten times more awesome.”

“Yeah? You think so?”

“Yeah, duh.” Tuesday grinned and cradled Ozzie’s face, kissing him sweetly. “Plus, shopping! We get to go shopping. For clothes. And oh, shoes!” He giggled. “It’s gonna be great, baby. Let’s go right now! Please, pleasey, please!”

Ozzie made a face, but it was impossible not to get sucked into Tuesday’s infectious excitement. “Okay. Fine.”

“Yeah?”

“We’ll go shopping.”