Chapter 10

T alia watched, trying to be friendly, but every turn that she made was rebuffed. Heartbroken, she didn't know what to do. She watched for Xavier over the next few days, but he'd just stepped out of her life.

Dennis came up and whispered to her, "Have you seen him at all?"

She shook her head. "No. He's really struggling with a decision he made, and he won't talk to me about it. He won't talk to anybody, as far as I know," she muttered.

Dennis nodded. "I don't think he's eating," he shared abruptly. "I haven't seen him, and I've been watching for him. I don't think he's coming at odd hours either."

"Have you told Dani?"

"I just did," he said. "I'm not certain what'll happen now."

Talia frowned at that, not sure what the answer would be, but a whole team of medical people were here to help, at least she hoped so. She already knew that she'd pretty well pushed it with Dani in terms of asking questions. Yet, when she looked up later that day, managing to get herself buried in her work, she found Dani standing in front of her, wearing a frown. "Before you ask, no, I haven't talked to him, and he won't talk to me," Talia shared sadly.

Dani nodded. "We'll have to do an intervention then."

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"I've enlisted his psychologist, for one," Dani replied. "Hopefully that will make a difference."

"Do we know what's going on?"

"No, but it all has to do with the same thing. If he's not eating, then that's huge. And I don't know if he is or not, but Dennis is really worried about it."

Talia nodded. "Sometimes people make decisions that they can't live with. And sometimes they think that there is no changing them," she reminded Dani. "So, from their perspective, it's a one-way street. He's probably just waiting to get kicked out of here."

Dani frowned at her. "Why would he even think that way?"

"I don't know, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he hasn't got something like that going on in his head."

Dani nodded. "Maybe I need to have a talk with him."

"Just be gentle. I think he thinks this is a permanent failure, and everybody's just waiting for him to leave."

"And that couldn't be the furthest thing from the truth," Dani stated, scrubbing her face with both hands. "Sometimes it's not the physical issues that hold people back. It's the emotional ones," she muttered, "and they give us the most trouble."

"I don't think he was trying to cause trouble. I think somebody pushed a button, and he didn't know how to recover."

"Which could be the same thing," she said, with a small smile.

"Maybe, but he's pretty sensitive, so, depending on what was said, that might have been the final word for him."

"Maybe," Dani replied. "I'll think about this. I've got a shrink on it right now."

"Yeah, let me know if I can do anything to help," Talia offered.

Dani looked back at her. "Is he talking to you at all?"

"No, he isn't," she admitted, "and, yeah, that makes me feel even worse. I feel as if I could have done something, and I didn't."

"Actually you did," Dani declared, facing her. "You tried to talk to me about it."

"Sure, but you have whatever rules or reasons you have for doing stuff," she noted, "and I definitely got the impression that I'm not allowed to get involved."

"Normally it would be a flat-out no for a reply. However, in this case, I'm not sure if that'll work. I'll get back to you." With that, she stepped out.

In a way Talia felt even more confused as to what was happening. The day dragged on, and she just wasn't sure what to do or to say. Now she didn't feel as if she could even go to Xavier's room and talk to him, and that made it even harder. Matter of fact, she didn't have a clue what she had for a choice. It just seemed as if there were no choices, and that was even harder. As she wandered down the hallway, kind of lost, she saw Xavier rolling toward his room, absolute exhaustion on every line of his face. She called out, "Hey, looks as if the new therapy is going really well."

He stared at her for a moment. "Why would you say that?"

Her eyebrows shot up. "Because you look really tired."

"Yeah, well, in that case, it's got nothing to do with the therapist."

"Oh. Sorry." She winced. "I'm not trying to interfere."

He just waved a hand. "It doesn't matter."

"You know people care about what happens to you here, right?"

He looked at her for a long moment. "Maybe. Maybe it's just me." He stared off into the distance. "I made a mistake, and I have some things to work out."

"But no mistake is terminal," she said, trying to get him to see that.

"Most of the time mistakes aren't terminal," he corrected. "Sometimes they are."

She winced. "You're really taking it that hard, huh ?"

"Yeah, sure am," he declared, staring at her. "Really no other way to take it."

"I think there is," she countered. "I think there's a way for you to go back to whatever it was that you want, without it tearing you apart like this."

He gave her the gentlest of smiles. "Sometimes the things we do are permanent."

"But not always," she argued. "Sometimes we need to acknowledge that mistakes were made, and apologies need to be given, and people just move on," she explained.

He stared at her for a long moment. "Do you really think it's that simple?"

"I do.… No, I've never seen it happen here. I've never seen a scenario like what's going on here right now happen, and, God help me, I hope I never do again," she shared. "I'm really worried about you."

He stopped, his shoulders hunched, and he sighed. "You're probably better if you don't." And, with that, he rolled into his room and closed the door on her.

But now she was starting to get angry. She walked forward, pounded on the door, and opened it. "You don't get to make that decision," she snapped. "Any more than I do. I saw something in you that I really like and that I really appreciate and respect. It's not something I can just turn around and turn off because you say so."

An odd look crossed his face as he stared at her. "And what if the people you care about aren't the good people who you think they are inside?"

"No, I refuse to believe that," she murmured. "I can see that maybe confusion, fatigue, emotionalism, all kinds of things, have the ability to hit any of us sideways. And I admit that it's probably fairly traumatizing, but I don't think anything is so bad that it can't be fixed."

"And you could be wrong," he muttered.

"Maybe. Have you eaten today?"

He paused, frowned at her. "Why? You're back to mothering me."

"I never mothered you," she declared, recognizing the ploy for what it was, which was to push her away, so he didn't have to deal with more emotions. "I don't know why I care so much, but I do. So I'm here, like a battering ram, reminding you that you still have to eat. You still have to look after yourself."

He stared at her. "Kicking and screaming, whether I like it or not?"

"Absolutely," she snapped. "If I had the physical strength, I would pick you up, stick you in that wheelchair, and drag you down there myself." He stared at her in shock, and she nodded. "There's a time and a place for acting like a two-year-old," she stated. "That time has come and gone. You're hurting yourself physically now.

"I don't know whether you are trying to get yourself kicked out of here or to prove a point that you're some lousy person and everybody should be better off just ditching you, but it doesn't matter because that's not happening. It's not how Hathaway House works. It's not how any of us operate," she announced, loud and proud. "So the sooner you get that worked out of your system, the better." And she turned and walked away.

When she was at the doorway, she looked back at him. "Now I'm going for dinner. I would love it if you would come join me," she murmured. "But if you're still stuck in that self-destructive mode that you were in before, and you're not ready to join the rest of the world, obviously I can't change your mind. However, I'll be in the dining room, if you do change your mind."

And she was gone.

*

The swearing fell from Xavier's lips, surprising him. It wasn't something he normally did, and most of the time he could control his emotions, but these last few days, this last week? What a nightmare. He'd gone from left to right to left again and seemingly all within the same day, without any rhyme or reason. He had no rudder. He had no control over what was going on, and he hated it.

And yet he knew it was a ship that he had cast offshore of his own making, something that he needed to fix. He just didn't know how or when or even whether it was something he could fix. He heard Talia in the back of his head saying, Of course it is. That's always an option . And yet he wasn't so sure that she was right.

It seemed as if, more often than not, he just screwed things up when he was on his own. He knew Zander would be very upset with him. But sometimes Xavier just fell into that negative rock pile, and it was almost impossible to get himself back out again. And that felt somewhat where Xavier was at right now. And he didn't know how to fix it.

"Well, she gave you one answer right there. Go down to dinner, try to find some way to be normal, to be grateful that she even offered to eat dinner with you."

And yet he was hot and sweaty and tired, and that was just the beginning of it. And it had nothing to do with his nonphysical workout today. It was all about the emotionalism of his psych session. The psychologist had gotten quite pointed about Xavier's attitude.

Was he up for it? Was he up for meeting Talia in the dining room after having dealt with the psychologist as much as he had, which had been more of a fight than anything? Was he up for making amends? The trouble was, he was lonely. He also felt foolish. She even said he was acting like a child. And he was. He knew that. He just… didn't know how to go forward.

He sat here for a long moment, hating himself, wondering what he was supposed to do, when a knock came on his door. He looked up to see Dani poking her head through. He groaned. "So, are you here to kick me out or to kick me in the butt or what?" he asked.

She looked at him for a long moment. "Which do you need?"

He stared at her, then snorted. "It depends who you talk to.… The shrink? She would probably say I need both. My physical therapist? I'm not even sure she's aware that I have needs that she's not attending to and probably doesn't even know how. And then there's always Talia, who would probably say I definitely needed the kick in the butt but not the being kicked out part."

"Why would you think you would get kicked out?" Dani asked curiously. "We work really hard to get a relationship going here with everybody, so I find it interesting when that's the reaction I get."

"Because… I guess I feel as if I don't deserve to be here."

She nodded. "And that's what I would expect."

He looked at her. "I don't get it."

"You're one of a couple who almost automatically think that, as soon as you screw up, you don't get to stay," she shared. "And we do get that sometimes from people, not all of them thankfully, but sometimes. And it's an interesting reaction because, of course, we aren't looking to kick people out of here. We're trying to get you to go through whatever you need to become the best that you can be."

"And when we don't become the best that we can be?" he asked curiously.

She smiled. "I'm not sure that you aren't becoming the best that you can be. I'm just not sure that we're giving you the right tools to do it."

"So it's not my fault, it's your fault?" he asked, with a note of humor.

She smiled back. "Oh, I don't know that fault is even involved," she clarified. "Is there definitely some work to be done on your part? Absolutely, but it's up to us to give you the best tools so that you can do it."

He stared at her for a moment. "That's like offering me a cop-out at the same time."

"If that's what you need, maybe that's what you need."

"Talia was just here, telling me that, if I stop acting like a two-year-old, I could go meet her for dinner."

At that, Dani's eyebrows shot up. "That's an interesting take on it. What was your reaction?"

"Everything from, I'm too exhausted to deal with it to What a good idea ."

She smiled. "And the exhausted part is something that we always have to remember," she said.

"And yet I don't think Talia was particularly thinking about it."

"No, she's a little more emotional in this area than maybe is good for her."

He nodded. "Meaning, I should just butt out and leave her alone?"

"No, not what I said at all," she declared, looking at him with a knowing smile. "I was thinking more along the lines of maybe not jump down everybody's throats quite so quickly when they offer to do something for you."

"I don't even know why you would bother offering," he murmured.

"I could say it's because that's what we do, but that's not exactly the truth either," she admitted. "In case you haven't figured it out, everybody here is worried about you. Dennis wants me to come drag you down to the dining room and help you eat, even if it means sitting on you and force-feeding you."

Xavier snorted with laughter at that. "Dennis's heart is too big for that body of his, and that's saying something," he muttered.

"It is, indeed. But Dennis knows what happens when you don't give your body enough food to begin to deal with the amount of energy it needs to expend to get through a day of rehab here."

"And I get that too. I wasn't planning on skipping a meal tonight."

"Good, so then did you want to go down and visit with Talia or did you not?"

"I did but…" Dani just waited. He looked at her and asked, "How do you go back on something that you shouldn't have done in the first place?"

"I guess it depends on what you're trying to go back on and what set you off that you felt you needed to go down that pathway in the first place."

"Well, buttons got pushed," he said, with a small quirk of his lips. "It seemed pretty traumatizing at the time, and, of course, now I'm just sitting here wondering what I'm supposed to do."

"Why don't you tell me about it."

He took a deep breath and asked, "You got a minute?"

"Of course I do. Anytime you need to talk to me, just contact me."

He frowned at her and winced. "It's not really in my wheelhouse to do that."

"Then it sounds as if your wheelhouse needs to change," she declared. "People are here to help, whether you think that they're trying to help or not," she said, with a smile.

"Some people are definitely here to help, and others are here to help more than others," he murmured. "And then still more want to help but probably aren't necessarily the right people to help me."

"And that could very well be true," she stated. "Just because we want to help doesn't mean that we're the ones in the position to help."

"So all of that aside," Xavier replied, "I do want to go down. I do want to have dinner with her. I am exhausted. I don't think I can get down there and back. I'm having trouble asking for help while I'm here. It's not something that I thought I would ever have trouble with, but I no longer feel welcome."

At that, Dani let out a slow release of a breath. "Several big issues are right there," she pointed out shrewdly. "Let's deal with the one about whether you're welcome. You're welcome, flat-out, no strings attached. You're welcome. Now have you started something that you're probably not all that happy about? Yes. Does that mean it's something permanent? No. Does that mean it's something that you can change? Yes. Does it mean you want to change? Absolutely not," she declared.

"We all make a lot of choices in life and not just in here. You make choices everywhere all the time. Sometimes we're good with those choices. Sometimes we're not good with them. But it doesn't change the fact that what we have for choices are sometimes regret for the ones that you yourself made. But what we also have is an ability to discuss, to communicate, and to decide on other things in life that are important to you. So, if you want to have dinner with Talia and feel as if you're welcome, I would be the first one to offer to get you down there. But, if you want to do it on your own because you think you can't ask for help or shouldn't ask for help, then that's a problem. Your problem."

"What do you mean, you would help me?"

"I would tell you to get your butt in that wheelchair, and I would push you down there. Talia would also very much like to spend some time with you, and she's struggled to stay on her side of this issue and to not interfere and to let you process this on your own," Dani shared. "Also you put her in a position that's not very easy for her to handle."

"No, of course not," he agreed, with a heavy sigh. "Sometimes I feel like an idiot."

"Or that two-year-old," she pointed out, with a smile.

"Yes, definitely a two-year-old. How is that even possible? I'm well past the age of being a child."

"Because life is a lesson. It's all about dealing with stuff that has to be dealt with. Even if we don't want to, even if we don't think we can, even if it's too hard, even if it's embarrassing. Even if you think you'll lose face, be embarrassed, ashamed, or any other number of very crippling toxic emotions."

" Toxic ," he muttered. "Yeah, I kinda feel as if I got that part down pat."

She burst out laughing. "Good, that's one thing you figured out then, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but it's not a good thing," he muttered.

"But you have to recognize what you have, what you don't have, and what you're working on," she explained, "and that is something you're expected to do while here."

"Sure, I'm trying, but it's not easy."

She frowned at him. "Easy? Did you find anything easy about the last couple years of your life?"

He stared and then slowly shook his head. "No. There hasn't been anything easy about it. I guess when I thought I was doing better that easy would be something I could then maybe have in my life.… It seems as if I have to do everything wrong before I get it right."

"I don't think you're alone in that department," she noted, with a wry smile. "Now, what'll it be? You'll get in that wheelchair and go down and eat?"

"I definitely should. I haven't eaten a whole lot lately."

"We've all noticed. The question is whether you'll do something about it or whether we need to intervene."

"I don't think I want to know what intervene means, so I guess the answer to your question is, yes, I do want to go down there."

"Then get into the wheelchair," she said, pulling it around so that it was right beside him. He looked at her, and she shook her head. "No. When you guys have no problem asking for help, we are always really happy because that makes our job easier. So that wasn't an issue that we expected in your case, and I guess we should have."

"No, I'm just an idiot."

She chuckled. "And again, you don't have a monopoly on that either."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that a lot of people in this place think that they're idiots. And sometimes we're all idiots. Sometimes you guys say things to us, and it pushes our buttons. We're people too. We have emotions. We have our own things to deal with. We have good days and bad days. Such as, telling me that I'm gonna throw you out, when it is never our policy. Here we are trying our hardest to help you, and you just don't see it."

"Ouch. Okay. Are you trying to tell me that maybe I pushed Shane's buttons too?"

"I'm not telling you anything. Shane is a force unto himself. He handles a lot, but he's also under a lot of pressure."

"I know, and I tend to forget that, don't I?"

"I don't know if you so much forget it, as sometimes it just never even comes into play with people. But Shane has his own very busy schedule, and that can be, in a way, deadly too."

"I guess," he muttered. "Still, I'm sorry."

"Maybe," she murmured. "And that would be good if you are, but I'm not the one who'll fix this."

"Meaning, I have to."

"Yep, because part of what this is all about is life skills, dealing with life."

"I would never have said that I had a problem standing up and saying when I was wrong," he murmured. "So what's wrong with me now?"

Dani smiled. "Nothing, absolutely nothing. But you're no longer in control of your body, and you're no longer in control of what you do on a daily basis, where you can go, or the life ahead of you," she pointed out, "and that's the problem."

He stared at her. "Meaning?"

"Meaning that you feel out of control," she replied ever-so-gently. "Yet you are in control. You are the one driving this bus. You are the one making this happen. You are the one working or not working, as you see fit," she murmured. "And, when something unintended blows up, it feels as if you're out of control, as if you're helpless. And you're not," she stated firmly. "If you were a man at a conference or out on a military mission, and you made a mistake, or somebody around you made a mistake, you would expect them to own up to it and to move on, wouldn't you?"

He nodded slowly.

"And that's the stage you're at," she murmured. "You need to own up and to move on."

"And do I still get to stay here?"

"Absolutely," she replied. "But we all know how much not moving on , how much making a mistake like that flies in your face, slows your own progress," she noted. "We've all seen it. We all know it can happen, and we all do our darndest to ensure it doesn't happen, trying as much as we can to control that issue. Still it happens. Sometimes things blow up out of control because of stupid little things. However, you are in control of this, and you are not a child, and you can fix this." And, with that, she pushed him forward to the dining room.

Once in line at the buffet, Dennis took one look, and his face beamed. "There he is. What can I get you?"

Xavier checked out the food and felt his appetite starting to build. "I don't know. All of it? I'm starving."

"And that is music to my ears." Dennis prepped him a huge plate. "Now I know this looks like a lot, but you haven't done very well by food lately," he pointed out. "So I can also send you back to your room with a plate because you can't get too much of it in right away."

Xavier stared at it in shock. "I'm not likely to get very much of that at all in my stomach," he murmured.

"You might be surprised," Dennis countered, "particularly if you have some decent company to eat with."

At that, Dani pushed him forward, while he held the tray balanced. When his wheelchair stopped moving, he looked up to see Talia, sitting at a table all alone, staring at him. "Hey, I'm hoping that invitation is still open."

Her smile dawned bright and sweet, and she murmured, "Always. absolutely always."

He felt tears in his eyes that made him feel like a fool.

Talia pushed a chair away that had been beside her and said, "Here, this is a good place for you."

Dani tucked him up next to Talia and announced, "Now, I'll go grab some food for myself." And she turned and left.