Chapter 11

W atching Dani push Xavier into the dining room had been both enlivening and also in a way sorrowful because Talia was delighted to see him but obviously he hadn't felt as if he could make it on his own. That he had Dani's help was huge, but that he hadn't asked Talia for help was kind of sad.

She looked over at him. "That's quite a plateful," she said, hoping that was a neutral-enough topic to not upset him.

He nodded. "Dennis even suggested that I might want to take some of it back to my room for later, in case my stomach couldn't handle all of it right now," he murmured, as he stared at it. "I'm not sure I can even begin to eat much of this."

"I wouldn't either, since you've been a little chintzy on the food lately."

"If you mean the fact that I haven't eaten at all, you're right. But I am trying to work on that."

"Good. I'm glad Dani helped you get here. I would have, if I'd known," she said impulsively.

He nodded. "I know you would have. I guess I was feeling… It's my fault. I was struggling with feeling as if I shouldn't even be here. Or I shouldn't be doing what I was doing or I was in the wrong. I don't know," he admitted. "I've spent so much time at the shrink's today that I don't even know if I'm coming or going."

She pealed with laughter, and it was such a beautiful sound that he had to smile. But it was her heart that was light as a feather at his words.

"No matter what age you are, lessons don't get any easier. We have all these things that we deal with here," she explained. "Sometimes it seems as if we're getting somewhere, and then sometimes it seems as if we're just not getting anywhere," she murmured. "But, in your case, I'm really happy to know that you feel as if maybe something is working."

"I don't know about working ," he clarified. "I'm still winding my way through all that, but I've got lots to think about, so maybe that's a good thing."

"It's definitely a good thing," she declared, with a smile. "Now, let's see if we can get you to eat some of that food there."

"Well, I'm hoping so," he muttered. "I know Dennis will be back around in a little bit if I don't."

"You got that straight." She chuckled. "But, just in case you think he does it to be a nosy busybody, he doesn't. He does it because he cares and because he worries."

"I get that," Xavier admitted, "and that's something else that's so very strange. I'm only used to having Zander care."

"And, without Zander, you kinda lost your rudder, haven't you?"

He sighed. "And that sounds so stupid."

"Maybe, but I think it's kinda true."

"It is," he agreed. "I just hadn't really thought about it in that way before."

"Sometimes relationships help, and sometimes it's good to have a break," she murmured.

"And I guess at this point in time, it's been good to have a break ." And, with that, he picked up a fork and started eating.

"So," she began, trying to resist frowning. "You needed a break from me?" she asked, almost afraid of his answer.

Xavier shook his head. "No. Not at all. Our relationship is the best one I've got. I was referring to Zander."

"A break from Zander?" she repeated.

He nodded. "If you don't mind, I don't want to get into that any further—not right now. Maybe later."

She nodded, happy he had explained that better to her. Yet his words completely surprised her. She hadn't expected him to acknowledge that there was a problem in the relationship with Zander or that Xavier needed to have something in his life that was a little bit separate and distinct from his friend's. Still, it was all good. Xavier was doing so well.

As he chomped his way through the food with an appetite that surprised her, she looked over at Dennis and smiled. He gave her the thumbs-up, and then he went back to looking after other patients.

She smiled at Xavier. "Don't look now, but Dennis is beaming because you're eating."

He smiled at her. "Well, let him beam on, because today I'm starting to feel as if maybe I'll live through this."

"You will," she declared, with a vote of confidence that she truly felt for the first time in a long time. "I'm sure you will. And thank you for sharing what's on your mind with me."

*

Xavier slowly felt better as he ate, even though some foods still made him sick. Still, he knew it was mostly about the thoughts that circled through his mind while he was eating. He knew he would have to do something about that. So he decided he would talk to Mandy, his physical therapist, the next day.

That next morning, he renewed his resolve. "Hey, Mandy, would you be terribly upset if I asked to go back with Shane?"

She stopped and looked at him.

He shrugged. "I feel as if I have done him a disservice. I feel as if I'm doing you one too right now."

She dropped to the floor beside him and sat cross-legged. "Maybe we should talk about that."

"Maybe, but I have some fences to mend with Shane."

"Are you sure that Shane feels there are fences to mend?"

He gave her a lopsided smile. "I'm not sure what Shane would think. I just know that I feel I should."

"In that case, why don't you talk to Shane first?"

"I should. I need to do it, but I've been hesitating."

She studied him for a long moment. "I'm new here. I'm not exactly sure how the system works in this scenario," she began, "but you need to work with whoever you feel can get you the best results."

"I don't want to insult you," he added.

She shook her head. "No, that's not,… not part of this at all. I want you to be honest, and, if I'm doing something that you don't like, then tell me that."

He smiled at her. She was so earnest and serious that he didn't want to upset her at all because she was trying so hard. He shook his head. "No, this is something that happened before you ever got here."

She nodded. "I heard something about it from somebody, but I don't know the details."

"And honestly, the details are just nothing," he noted. "It's… it's my fault. I was stupid. Shane pushed some of my buttons, and I asked for a transfer."

"And now you want to go back to him?"

"I feel as if I hurt the relationship between him and me, and, more than that, it's hurt me," he shared. "I feel as if I need to make things right."

"And does making things right mean you don't want me to be your therapist?"

He studied her for a moment. "Meaning, you think that I should make peace with him and then see how I feel?"

She shrugged. "I won't say that but if, if you can do something to make things better for yourself, then you need to do it." She smiled. "What I don't know is what that'll take."

"I don't either," he murmured. "Of all the things in life that I thought would be easy, or at least simple, it turns out that this was one of the worst."

"Anything emotional or anything we feel we've done wrong and need to make amends for," she noted, "is always traumatic."

He chuckled. "Isn't that the truth? Let me make my most abject apologies to Shane and see where we stand."

"The other thing is," she added, "and I get that you may want to go back to Shane, and, if that's something that can be arranged, absolutely. The other thing is, he'll be working with me on a couple other patients," she shared, "so, if that's something that we can make happen, you can also end up still with me but also with Shane."

"And that might be an easy answer too," he noted. "I really don't know if Shane even has room to take me back."

She winced. "I know he's incredibly overbooked."

"Of course he is," Xavier muttered, staring off in the distance. "And it would be my fault for having done what I did."

"But these changes aren't permanent," she murmured. "So, go talk to Shane first."

"Right, now all I need is courage."

At that, she rose to her feet. "Maybe the question here is, do you feel as if you did something wrong and you need to go apologize so that you feel better, or did you not do something wrong and need to apologize because you're still feeling lousy?"

"I definitely didn't do something right," he conceded.

"And, of course, not doing something right is very different from doing something wrong," she pointed out. "Some of us work better together than others, and that doesn't mean that what you did was wrong."

"No, but it wasn't as good as it could have been,… as I could have been," he corrected. "And that matters to me."

"Good enough," she replied cheerfully. "Then go figure that out, and let me know what's happening."

"I will. Thank you."

As she walked out, he looked to see if she was upset, but there was no sign of it in her stride, but that didn't mean a whole lot. This really was a problem from before she arrived. So it was a hard thing for him to explain away. It was definitely something that he had to deal with in his own time, but he was also out of time. Mandy was good at what she did. Xavier just didn't feel as if she was good enough for what he needed. And that just made him feel worse because, of course, he'd already walked away once from a physical therapist. Now here he would do it again.

And he didn't know what the options were at this point in time, but he needed to do something in order to at least heal the rift that he felt he'd caused. He rolled his way down to Shane's desk, but he wasn't there. Xavier looked around but saw no sign of him. Nothing. He found a notepad and wrote down a quick message, saying he would like to see him. And then he thought about it and realized that maybe he was still on the fence. He crumpled up the note.

With that, he headed back to his room to see if Shane's contact info was on his tablet. And sure enough it was there. Yet he wondered at just what point in time Xavier would get taken off this contact information sheet that he was utilizing.… The whole thing made him feel weird. But, hey, he had a lot to learn. He sent Shane a message on the tablet regardless.

Xavier was tired, emotionally overwrought, and nothing like knowing you had an apology to make to have you feeling as if the rest of your day would be downhill. As it was, he didn't hear from Shane all that afternoon. He frowned at that and wondered whether he was supposed to do something else in order to get a chance to talk to him or Shane was just now not even part of his world because Xavier had made it that way. Did Shane not communicate with anybody other than his assigned patients? It felt stupid, and it felt weird, but Xavier didn't know what to do.

Finally he went down to dinner to find Shane sitting at a table with several other staffers, obviously deep in a meeting of some kind. And Xavier couldn't blame the guy, depending on what was going on with the patients here. That meeting could be even about Xavier.

At that thought, he winced and quickly rolled over to Dennis and asked, "Hey, you got something easy on the stomach?"

"Another bad day?"

"Nerves," he said, shooting a glance to where Shane was.

"He doesn't bite, you know?"

Xavier eyed Dennis and then flushed a deep dark red. "Does everybody know?"

"Nope," he replied. "I'm just a little more intuitive than a lot of people."

At that, he stared at Dennis and nodded. "I can certainly agree with that. You are, indeed. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not though."

"Neither do I," Dennis said. "Sometimes I feel as if I see something going on around me, and I can't fix it because nobody else is really there ready to fix it. And then, when they are ready, it's hard to get a hold of people."

"Because it depends on other people's time too," Xavier muttered. "Right, and that would imply that I hurt them."

"I don't know about hurt ," Dennis clarified, "but there are also professional qualms about working with people again. All kinds of issues come up with each situation." He added, "But I can tell you that it isn't the first time, and, given the work he does and the people that he has to deal with, it won't be the last time."

Xavier stared at Dennis. "I don't think I feel any better."

Dennis burst out laughing. "I'm not sure I intended to make you feel better," he admitted, with a smile. "The thing is, this is life. When something happens, you fix it."

"Got it. I've sent him a couple messages, so I guess he'll talk to me when he gets time," Xavier said.

As far as dinner, he stared at the food and nothing, nothing appealed. "Maybe I'll just skip dinner tonight." He turned and rolled away, leaving Dennis standing there, open-mouthed.

Dennis came racing behind. "I would just as soon you didn't skip dinner," he said.

"Maybe, but my stomach's already talking back at me, and I don't want to go through another food-down, food-up scenario," he muttered. "So maybe I'll just wait."

And, with that, ignoring Dennis but hating to see the look of distress on his face, Xavier slowly moved toward his room. All he could hope for was that maybe his stomach would calm down, and maybe he could eat a little bit later. But, if it didn't calm down, there was absolutely no point in eating because it would just be a brutal night. And that he didn't need.