Chapter Fifty-Nine

Bec

A iden and I decided not to spend the night together. He asked for some time to think but reassured me he would call tomorrow. He kissed me desperately before I left. Old Bec tried to convince me to prepare for the inevitable goodbye, but new Bec told her to shut up.

As soon as I got home, I sought out comfort from my old baggy sweatpants, the giant Aviators sweatshirt I stole from Aiden after the first time he made me breakfast, and a tub of brownie fudge ice cream.

Yes, I’m a cliché, but I don’t have the energy to give a fuck.

I’m several spoonfuls in when I hear scratching at my door. It only lasts a second before Ellie bursts into my apartment, leaving the door wide open behind her, my spare key still hanging in the lock attached to her keyring. She rushes toward me frantically and wraps me in a hug so tight it knocks the wind out of me. I squeeze her back, tears rising to the surface for the second time tonight.

I want to act like I never said those three idiotic words to Aiden, but I can’t ignore what happened if I want our relationship to survive. So I texted Ellie to let her know we have a “Code Red.” Both of us have evoked the cry for help several times since we invented it in middle school. It’s our emergency signal to drop everything and deliver a hug as quickly as possible. Ellie was the last one to call it in once she was allowed visitors after Luca was born. I ran to the hospital and held her while she cried in my arms. I’m not even sure how much she remembers from our conversation because she was so overwhelmed at the time.

“It just kind of slipped out, Ellie. This is such a fucking mess,” I say, still caught in her hug.

“Slow down. What slipped out? Start from the beginning.” She pulls away, hands still resting on my shoulders to look me over in case the damage is physical. Once assured I’m okay, she steps back to grab her keys and close the door to my apartment. “Let’s sit.”

We settle on the couch and Ellie holds my hand, listening patiently as I recall all that happened tonight.

“I can’t imagine how helpless Aiden must be feeling right now,” she says. “I think you two did the right thing taking the night apart to give him some time to work through this on his own. Everything you said in response was great, but it doesn’t sound like he’s in the right headspace to take any of that in right now. Do you know if he can take a few days off work or something?”

“I asked, but he said he’d rather keep playing. I think he’s trying to pretend like the whole thing never happened and baseball is going to help him do that. I think he’d rather do anything other than think about how this is making him feel.”

Ellie nods. “I don’t blame him. I’m sure finding an escape would be easier than talking through it.”

Our conversation is interrupted by a knock on my door.

“Did you call the girls for reinforcements?” I ask Ellie.

“No, I wanted to wait until I knew what was going on,” she says.

Confused, I open my door to find Evie waiting.

“Bec, I’m so sorry. I just got off the phone with Aiden. I should have called you last night, but I wasn’t thinking about anything other than Mom and Aiden. I was up so late crying and it wasn’t until I reached out to him after the game today that I realized I should have given you a heads-up on everything that happened.”

“Evie, it’s okay. You don’t need to worry about me. What about you? Are you okay? I know yesterday was awful for both of you.”

She falls into my arms in tears.

“It’s too much,” she sobs quietly.

“I know. It’s going to be okay,” I promise, even though it feels hollow.

Evie joins Ellie and me on the couch before sharing what happened yesterday from her perspective. All three of us are crying by the time she’s finished.

“Should I let Dom know? Maybe it would help Aiden to hear from him,” Ellie offers.

“I think it would. Thank you,” Evie says. “Aiden spends so much time worrying about everyone else. I don’t think he knows how to ask for what he needs. I don’t want him to pretend everything’s fine and that he doesn’t need to talk about this.”

“I think in time, he’ll reach out. But until then, let’s all stay in touch and make sure we try to give him whatever support he needs. How’s your mom doing?” Ellie asks.

“She’s okay…calm at least. There haven’t been any more outbursts since we left. She was asking about Aiden and I and whether or not we were going to visit her today. The nurses are keeping me updated, but I’m going to wait another day or two before I go see her. I need to be able to keep my composure when I see her to avoid causing her any distress. I don’t think I could manage that right now.”

“That’s a good idea. She’s lucky to have both of you,” I say.

“And Aiden’s lucky to have you. He didn’t want to tell me what happened between you two tonight. Do you want to talk about it?” Evie asks.

“I’m pretty sure I made everything worse. I thought something weird was going on when I first got to his place, but I figured I was just doing what I always do…assuming the worst and making something out of nothing. God, I’m so stupid. I knew something was wrong. I should have trusted my gut and kept my mouth shut. Aiden did not need me piling on when he’s distraught over your mom’s condition.”

“What do you mean, piling on?” Evie asks.

“I sort of…told Aiden I love him.” The look of shock on Evie’s face would be comical if not for everything else going on.

“I knew it,” Evie screams. “Oh my god, Bec. That’s amazing. I’ve always wanted a sister.” She grabs my hand, holding tight.

“I think you might have missed the part where I told him this tonight . Probably the worst time to make that confession. He has enough going on right now, he doesn’t need to worry about me. Besides, I have no idea how he feels,” I say.

“Please don’t let my saying this scare you, but it’s clear you both have love for each other. Anyone who spends time with you can see there’s nothing surface level about your relationship. It’s obvious how consumed by each other you are. You guys should talk once he’s had a chance to work through everything with Mom. Please don’t give up on him,” Evie pleads.

“Seriously, Bec. I know it would be easy to believe the worst right now, but what Aiden’s struggling with has nothing to do with how he feels about you,” Ellie says. “Don’t internalize it.”

“He may not have told me he loves me, but everything he’s done for me has shown me that he cares. I’m not going to ruin everything we have with self-doubt,” I say.

They both smile at me in response and Ellie reaches out to hold my free hand, the other still clasped in Evie’s tight grip.

Aiden might not be ready to talk yet, but when he is, I know our friends and family will show up in ways he never expected, just like they have for me.