Chapter Fifty-Eight

Bec

I was disappointed when Aiden didn’t call after his visit with his mom yesterday, but I understood when he texted me this morning to apologize. He forgot to text me before he went to bed early wanting to get a few extra hours of rest before his doubleheader today.

It was the first night we’ve spent apart while he’s been in town in almost five months. Since I’ve been watching Hopper while he’s away, it was the first night I’ve been alone in a long time too. Can’t say I liked it. Thankfully, I’ll be able to see him tonight before he leaves for the next road trip in the morning.

I missed falling asleep in Aiden’s arms. I missed waking up with Hopper kicking my back. I missed Aiden joking about how he needs his own bed so Hop and I can battle it out for the blanket without him being pushed to the edge.

Carissa and I are in the stands watching Aiden’s second game of the day. The smell of stadium food and the familiar buzz of excited fans fill the air around us. I may not be an expert yet, but it’s clear even to me that Aiden’s struggling today. Thankfully, whatever is affecting Aiden’s game isn’t reflected in the score. It looks like the Aviators will win the game.

“Things are getting pretty serious between you two, huh?” Carissa asks, leaning close enough to be heard over the roar of the crowd as one of Aiden’s teammates hits a double.

“It feels like it. I think…I think I want to tell him I love him,” I say.

She coughs, choking on peanuts. I laugh, patting her back a few times before she takes a sip of her drink.

“Who are you and what have you done with Bec Miller?” she asks me once she catches her breath. “Has he told you he loves you?” Carissa asks.

“No, but I’ve made it clear that I wanted to take this all at a snail’s pace. Even if he isn’t there yet, I still want him to know.”

The thought should scare me, but it doesn’t. Not anymore.

If you asked me when we first started talking if I would confess to loving Aiden before having that validation from him first, I would have vehemently denied it was possible. But since we went on our first date, Aiden has helped me feel confident in myself and our relationship. I’m not hesitant to take this next step with him. I no longer feel like things could fall apart any minute. I know we’ll fight to make this relationship work no matter what we face together.

Carissa looks at me thoughtfully for a moment before saying, “I’m really proud of you.”

“Why?” I ask.

“It’s brave to try again after things don’t work out the way you want them to. It takes a special kind of person to risk their feelings again and again with no guarantees. I wish…I wish I was more like you.”

“Carissa, you don’t need to be like anyone else, okay? You’re enough exactly as you are, you know that right? Josh could be an asshole, sure, but he didn’t pull the same bullshit Damien did with you. You deserve to be loved, even if it takes you a little longer to feel ready for it. I think our journeys will have one thing in common. ”

She rolls her eyes at me. “Oh yeah, what’s that?”

“They both end with us finding someone who treats us right. We both find our person.” The conviction in my voice and in my gut is undeniable.

I believe Aiden and I belong together.

Carissa was always too good for Damien. No part of me doubts that she’ll find someone who respects her and protects her heart like she deserves.

“I hope you’re right about that,” she says with a sigh. “Enough about me, okay? I want to hear how you plan to tell him.”

“Spontaneously and with zero prior planning most likely,” I say.

Carissa laughs because she knows me well and my guess is probably accurate.

Making elaborate plans to share how I’m feeling with Aiden feels intimidating, so I’ll probably end up word-vomiting my feelings all over him at an inconvenient and very unromantic time, like while we’re brushing our teeth in the morning or something.

Yeah, that feels like me.

* * *

I’m pretty sure a thousand butterflies are having a rave inside my stomach while I wait for Aiden. When he finally opens the door to his apartment, my heart starts racing in anticipation.

Except when I meet his eyes, my anxiety spikes for another reason entirely. I’ve never seen Aiden look like this. His greeting is more reserved than usual and his body language distant. His shoulders are slack and the tension in his jaw makes it clear something is wrong.

Hopper’s behavior is a red flag too. Usually, he’s fighting his excitement, trying to remember not to jump on people when they first arrive. Right now, he’s stuck to Aiden’s side, only a few inches separating them.

All of the certainty I felt seconds ago slips away, and I’m left feeling desperate to understand what’s going on.

“Hey, is everything okay?” I ask.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. Are you good?”

“I’m good,” I say, confused. Maybe my instincts are wrong and he’s just upset about his performance at the game tonight.

“Good.” He nods at me, and I follow him and Hopper into his apartment. We sit on the couch together, but things still feel off. I try to shake off the feeling, but it’s not like Aiden to hold back with me like he seems to be doing now.

“Carissa had a good time at the game tonight,” I say. “She thinks Pete’s cute. First Evie, now Carissa. Does all the attention go to his head?”

“More than you know,” he says.

My heart starts to race the longer we sit in silence. Aiden isn’t acting like himself at all.

I didn’t realize how hard he could be on himself. I know baseball is his job, but they still won the game. They play so often and he has another chance to try again tomorrow. I don’t remember him acting this withdrawn even after some of the tougher losses the team’s had this season. Then again, I’m not sure I could ever fully understand the pressure he’s under to perform well. Maybe since he was traded midseason last year, he’s feeling uncertain about his place on this team.

My thoughts are running wild. I’m trying to rationalize what my gut is telling me.

“What time do you have to leave in the morning?” I ask.

“We have an early flight. We leave for Houston at six. I’ll do my best not to wake you and Hopper in the morning. You two should sleep in.”

Normally, Aiden spoils me with affection and attention. When he has to leave for a few days, I wake up with his head between my thighs…regardless of how early he has to leave to catch his flight. Am I seeing red flags where there aren’t any?

Yes, of course I am. That’s the old Bec talking. The one responsible for filling my head with doubt. The one who wasn’t sure about Aiden. The one who was waiting for Aiden to finally know me well enough to decide I wasn’t the one for him. The one who was convinced none of my romantic relationships could last. I’m not going to listen to old Bec anymore. I want this to work and for that to happen, Aiden needs to know how I feel.

“Aiden, I need to tell you something,” I say, hearing the shake in my own voice.

“Hm?” Aiden looks at me like he was lost in thought. He probably thinks I’m acting strange. Admittedly, I am. I’m so caught up in overthinking every little thing he’s doing and saying, I’m not acting like I normally would.

It feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest and onto the couch. I can’t hold this in anymore. I need to get this out so he knows and we can move on, like with every other big step we’ve made together. He’s always made it easy to do scary things…so I decide to jump, knowing he’ll catch me.

“Aiden, I love you.”

His lips part as he looks into my eyes.

Aiden doesn’t say anything. He just shakes his head. The stoic expression on his face morphs into a look heavy with despair.

“You shouldn’t.”

The words fall from his lips so quietly, I’m not sure I heard them right.

“Wh-what are you talking about?” I ask. I can feel tears burning the back of my eyes. My head swims and heat ricochets over my skin from embarrassment .

“Something…something happened yesterday while I was visiting Mom.” He leans forward, dropping his head into his hands. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, Bec. I should have told you sooner, but I can’t get my mind right today. I’m trying to bury everything until I figure out how to handle it. I tried to focus on the games today and couldn’t. I wanted to focus on us tonight, but I can’t. You deserve better, but I don’t know how to be better. What if this is all I’m capable of?”

“Aiden, what are you talking about? I don’t understand,” I say as the first tear spills over onto my cheek. “Is your mom okay?”

“Physically, yes. But mentally?” He looks at me and all I can see is fear. “Every day, I lose her bit by bit. She didn’t recognize me. That’s happened before, you’ve seen it, but this was different. She thought I was him . She didn’t say his name, but I know her. I could see it in the way she was looking at me and the way she was yelling at me.”

My stomach drops.

“She mistook you for your dad?”

“Fuck. This is so fucked,” he says with a groan, squeezing his eyes shut and shoving one hand into his hair, tugging on the roots.

Fucked is right.

Aiden’s terrified of turning out like his dad. Of course, this incident is going to stoke the fire, fueling that idea. But from what Aiden told me about his father, they couldn’t be more opposite. Still, fear has the power to twist and warp your thoughts, leaving you with only negativity and insecurity. With all that Aiden’s experiencing with his mom’s memory loss, on top of everything else, no wonder he can’t think straight.

And I just told him I loved him for the first time.

Holy shit.

I was right. I definitely picked the most inconvenient and unromantic time to tell him.

God, I need an undo button for my life .

“You know your mom doesn’t think of you like that at all, Aiden. She loves you so much. She’s confused…but she knows who you are inside,” I say, willing him with my entire being to believe me.

“You didn’t see her, Bec. It felt so real. Like I was living inside my worst nightmare. What if you stay with me and I hurt you like that? What if I’m capable of treating people like he did?”

“I know that you’re not. I have never dated anyone more compassionate, patient, and caring than you. I know you, Aiden. I have faith in you and faith in us. I need you to hear what I’m saying,” I say, panic spreading through my limbs. Aiden’s always been the steadfast one in our relationship. Hearing his doubt leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable.

He can’t possibly believe that his mother would ever speak to him like that when her mind is clear. She had a bad day. It was just a bad day. Why can’t he see that?

“I don’t ever want to hurt you,” Aiden says, the defeat ringing in the space between us, which feels like it’s growing each time he shuts down my feeble attempts to talk him through this.

“You’re not going to hurt me, Aiden. I was so afraid that you would. I was so scared of that potential hurt that I wouldn’t even consider being with you when we met. But you spent the last seven months showing me that’s not possible. I shouldn’t have said what I said tonight, but it’s not because I don’t mean it with every pulse of my heart.”

The look in his eyes is tortured.

I won’t be able to help him find his way out of this. Not tonight. He needs time.

I’m not the same person I was when Aiden came crashing back into my life. I’m not running away from this, from him, from us. While I have no idea how to make things right, I know someone who can help us figure it out.