4. Kieran

4

KIERAN

Light streamed in through my window as I cracked an eye open, wondering what time it was. My internal clock felt completely out of whack. The battle raged into the middle of the night, and then once we were back at the house, I couldn't sleep with the thought that any member of our group might need sustenance to replenish their energy. So at four in the morning, I made food for everyone. Cooking helped work off some of the nervous energy that had been swirling within me, but as I woke with grainy eyes and a stiff body, I was regretting not going to bed earlier.

Sweeping my gaze to the clock as I rolled to my side, I noted it was only ten in the morning and let out a sigh before flopping onto my back.

Staring at the ceiling, memories from the night before assaulted me. The entire thing felt like a nightmare I'd jerked awake from, only to realize it was all very real.

The light leaving the eyes from those whose lives I took.

The shriek of pain from Niz before he fell.

Steele's roar when Amelia was injured.

My fists curled into the bed, grabbing the sheets tightly as if they could anchor me to the present moment.

Tears blurred my vision as the echoes of orders being shouted amidst the cries of pain in the medical center rolled through my head. There had been so much blood, so much loss. Some families were waking up this morning without a person they loved, and I…I might be the reason for a few of them.

As that fact hit me full force, my chest seized and it felt as if my breath was being stolen from my lungs. Without hesitation, my blade had sliced through flesh and bone. In the moment, it had all been so easy. Now, in the light of day…

Pain seared through me, my heart feeling like it was being squeezed in a vice. I choked on the sob that ripped from my mouth, slapping a hand over my lips to keep Gabe or Steele from hearing me from their rooms. My body shook as I let out the anguish and sadness that I'd suppressed in the early morning hours after the battle, trying my best to put on a front of strength for everyone around me.

Logically, I knew it was us or them, but that knowledge didn't soften the blow of killing for the first time. My hands and soul were now stained forever.

It was like the floodgates of Hell opened as I curled onto my side, grabbing a pillow to wrap myself around and stifle the sound of my sobs. I was only now realizing how much I had numbed myself last night, letting adrenaline push me on with the singular focus of ensuring my loved ones made it. Was that selfish? Perhaps, but I was beginning to understand just how brutal we needed to be to ensure we all made it to see the next day. It didn't matter whether I liked the reality of the situation.

I opened myself to it all, knowing I couldn't shove these feelings down any longer. I needed to let myself feel it all, no matter how painful. With time, the sobs turned into soft sniffles and eventually my eyes dried, leaving my body feeling spent as I hugged the pillow like an old friend I didn't want to part with. The clock now read half past ten.

I had to face the day—to face the aftermath of the battle. This was war, and I needed to harden my heart somehow. Deep down, I knew there would be more lives lost. This may have just been the beginning, but it was my new reality.

Do I have what it takes to make it through this, emotionally and physically?

Slowly, I let go of the pillow, taking a deep breath before pushing up to sit at the edge of the bed. For a moment, I pondered that question, letting my head hang down. The answer came to me, barreling into my heart. I lifted my chin, taking a deep breath as I looked in the mirror at the corner of the room.

My hair was a disheveled mess and my eyes were red and puffy from crying, but there was a strength that reflected back at me I'd never seen before.

"You aren't the meek angel that Alfemir made you think you are. You're the only known Star Keeper in existence. You have a chance to ensure no one else ever feels trapped and abused by the angels ever again. That is worth fighting for."

I repeated that to myself until I found the strength to stand and move forward.

"Us or them," I whispered, grabbing clothes for the hard day that I knew would be ahead. Making quick work of a shower helped wash away some of my lingering sorrow, and when I emerged, I felt refreshed and as ready as I'd ever be.

Opening my door, I noted Gabe's and Steele's closed doors and decided to check in on Niz before doing anything else. Padding down to the floor below, I gently rapped my knuckles against Ronan's door, in case either of them were still asleep. When silence greeted me in return, I let my hand drop to my side and nibbled on my bottom lip.

The entire house felt like a ghost town, not at all like the home filled with the lively energy of conversations and a tiny wyvern flying around being a menace that I was used to.

Needing to see if they were okay, to settle the nerves bubbling up in my stomach, I opened the door with a soft click. A smile lifted my lips at the scene before me. Ronan was slumped in a chair next to the bed, snoring lightly, but what really warmed my heart was the sight of the small, black and green wyvern sleeping on top of his head, with his tail falling over the side of Ronan's face.

I wasn't sure if they'd talked everything out, but seeing them in here together—and the fact that Niz had enough energy to shift—made hope bloom in my chest. Warmth spread through me, all the way to my extremities, until I felt far lighter than before I opened the door.

This was what I'd continue to fight for. For the incredible souls around me, and all those who wanted to exist in a world where we would all be accepted exactly as we were. To stop living in fear of tyrants who twisted the collective mind of the populace into a false history and narrative.

My feet refused to budge as I committed this moment to memory, not wanting to forget a single detail.

"Whatcha doing?"

The soft question startled me, causing me to jump and spin. Heat flushed my cheeks with embarrassment from being caught watching Ronan and Niz. Bastian's knowing smirk made me hit his chest playfully as I murmured, "You scared me!"

He grabbed my hand, holding it to his chest as he leaned down to press a kiss to my forehead. "Good morning, Darling."

My heart rate slowed as I melted into his chest, loving the strength I felt in his arms. We'd come so far, and it astounded me to think about how we'd first met at the portal. Somehow, we'd naturally fallen into…whatever this was between us.

Part of me wanted to overthink it, but what was the point? There were so many other pressing things to actually be concerned about that wasting my energy wondering why something felt so good seemed trivial.

A week ago, I would have worked myself into a frenzy thinking about the feelings I had for multiple people, and how I would navigate the dynamic while trying to ensure I didn't hurt anyone. Now, though? A breath puffed from my nose as I shook my head slightly. Maybe it was time to just appreciate these connections, for as long as I had them.

Could it be that simple?

"Let's leave the sleeping beauties in peace," he whispered. I heard the click of the door closing behind me as his body leaned forward, still holding me firmly with one arm.

Soft steps sounded on the floor above us before trailing down the stairs toward us. Steele popped into view and our eyes were like magnets, instantly finding each other. I waited for a snarky comment since I was pressed into Bastian, or even a glare of disgust I'd grown so used to from him.

Bastian's arm tightened imperceptibly as Steele passed next to us.

"Good morning," he murmured, but then he was gone, heading to the main floor below and leaving Bastian and me to share a look of shock and confusion.

"Did he just…say something polite?"

I floundered to answer. "Uhm, yeah, I think he did."

Bastian's eyebrows rose as he stared at the stairs. "That was unexpected."

My mouth opened and closed repeatedly. I hated that my first thought was about Steele's motive for being polite. It felt impossible to accept that he had been nice just for the hell of it. I inhaled deeply before shaking the odd feeling from my head.

"Let's head down," I said softly, pulling away enough to clasp our hands together and lead us toward the living room.

Bastian left my side to head to his favorite spot on the sectional. I hadn't thought it possible, but there was already a slight dent forming to the seat and side arm. He was like a cat who curled up in the same exact place every single time before snuggling in.

Hushed words from the kitchen drew my attention. Gabe was passing Steele a cup of coffee as the latter patted him on the shoulder and nodded. The smell of coffee pulled me in their direction, hoping Steele would continue to be civil around me if I came into their little bubble.

Wordlessly, Gabe handed me a cup as well, and I quickly thanked him as they continued to chat. Moving to the fridge to get creamer, I shamelessly listened in.

"The healers are doing everything they can, but they weren't prepared to be inundated like that," Steele muttered before I heard a small slurp, followed by a sigh. "As awful as it is, it's a wake up call, and it shows us where we need to focus some efforts to make quick, sustainable improvements."

Closing the fridge door, I turned to the counter and poured my creamer slowly, trying to extend my quiet surveillance.

He continued, "We're at just over forty lives lost, but their side lost a hell of a lot more, thanks to that wyvern slaughtering them in the sky. I hate to admit it, but I feel indebted to him, and I'm glad he's pulling through that injury."

"Remember when you didn't want to let them into the Rebellion?" Gabe mused, more sass in his tone than I was used to hearing.

I couldn't help but laugh but immediately tried to cover it with a cough.

Silence followed, and I kept my eyes trained on my coffee as I stirred it. I felt the weight of their eyes on me, and I knew Steele wouldn't let me continue to lurk quietly anymore.

"Do you have something to add to the conversation, Kieran?" he asked, faux sweetness in his tone.

I took a breath, picking up my coffee before turning around and leaning against the counter. With my free hand, I lifted it to my chest and retorted, "Me? No, why would you think that?"

Gabe smirked over the top of his coffee cup before taking a sip.

Bastian snorted from the living room, but I kept my attention trained on the man before me. I fought the urge to smile as Bastian muttered, "Here we go."

Steele's fingers drummed against the side of his mug as he contemplated my words. "Perhaps the horribly concealed laugh?"

My jaw dropped, feigning shock. "Well, I would nev?—"

He cut me off with a shrug. "Or maybe it's just because I know you, and you always have something to say, Princess."

While it felt like a typical jab from Steele, the barb lacked his usual heat. If anything, the interaction left me feeling a bit out of my element, because it genuinely felt like a light-hearted joke. Which was another thing I was not used to receiving from the man.

I nearly fell over when he cracked an actual smile at me.

My lip curled as my brow furrowed. "Are you feeling okay?"

I couldn't help it, the words fell out of my mouth before I had a chance to mull them over.

Gabe took a step closer to his friend, placing a hand on his forehead and tsking. "You do feel a little warm, Steele."

The big brute rolled his eyes, shrugging Gabe off with an easy smirk. "Shut up."

The moment felt so normal and wholesome, making it easy to forget, for this brief moment, all the shit that occurred between Steele and me. Truthfully, I thought that maybe this was the first true glimpse of him I was seeing.

A whine sounded from the living room before Bastian asked, "Gabe, what's for lunch?"

As if a smile wasn't enough to floor me, Steele let out a laugh and clapped Gabe on the shoulder. "Yeah, buddy, what's for lunch? I'm feeling a sandwich with extra mayo."

I paused with my coffee mug next to my lips, muttering, "What the fuck," quietly to myself.

It was Gabe's turn to roll his eyes before giving Steele a small shove as he walked by. "Make your own, asshole."

We all knew he'd make everyone food, though. He always made sure the people around him were taken care of. The thought had me reminiscing on his quiet, calm strength from last night. He'd never lost his cool, always focused on how to get us through the exhausting, emotional situation at hand.

Placing my coffee down as Gabe went to the fridge and opened it, I melded myself to his back, resting my cheek against him as my arms wrapped around his middle from behind.

"Thank you," I whispered as he stilled.

A rumble spread through his chest, the vibration moving through where my cheek was pressed against him, before he asked, "For what, Little Star?"

A million reasons popped into my head, but I settled on one. "For being our rock, always."

He went lax before turning, forcing me to let go briefly before he pulled me to his front. Enveloping me in the tightest hug, his chin came to rest on my head as he let out a sigh. "I told you when we stood in your bedroom that I'd do more than just protect your body if you fell. I know I hold a piece of your heart, even if you haven't admitted that to yourself."

My eyes widened as his hand lifted to rub circles on my back.

"What you probably don't know is that you hold every ounce of mine."

I didn't know what to say back, and I wasn't given a chance to process it as Ronan's voice carried through the room.

"Niz is still asleep upstairs and probably will be for awhile, but he's recovering well, all things considered."

Gabe released me, turning to get food from the fridge, and I took a step back to give him room to work. My brain felt like it was torn in half, wanting to stay in that conversation with Gabe but also wanting to be present in the conversation about Niz.

It hit me then, how little time Gabe and I had together since I'd joined the Rebellion. I'd been preoccupied by training with Steele and studying with Noah, letting the days pass by easily as I put my head down and tried to better myself. I swore then and there to do better about creating intentional time for each of them, but especially Gabe. The man was always respectful of my space, was wherever he needed to be for anyone else at the drop of a pin, and almost certainly never put himself above anyone else. Thus, he wasn't one to demand my time.

"Should we do a quick rundown of last night and where we're at now, so everyone is on the same page? Or should we wait for Niz to be up?" Gabe questioned as Ronan took a seat at the kitchen island.

Ronan waved him on. "I have no clue how long he'll be out for. Let's do a recap now, and then we can catch him up."

Bastian made his way over to the island as well, taking the seat next to Ronan. I leaned against the counter near Gabe, who began to prepare sandwiches for everyone.

My eyes swung to Steele, finding him at the dining room table, staring at me intently. Rather than letting his attention rattle me, I asked, "Are you going to join us for once, or are you just going to awkwardly sit over there and listen quietly?"

His eyes widened at the same time that he clasped his hands together on the table.

He'd shown he could be civil this morning, so perhaps this was the way forward for all of us. If he could be a kinder person now, and seemingly put the past behind him, I could attempt to do the same.

It didn't erase our history, but something told me it would take all of us to forge a path forward, and I wouldn't let anything get in the way of the promise of that future.