4. AVA

4

AVA

I was back.

But something about this just didn't feel right; it never felt like this. To say I was a mess, a mix of conflicting emotions, about it would have been an understatement.

Landing, Pennsylvania had always been home for me. Despite a rough childhood, nearly all the things that made me happy were in this small town. And after being away for so long, coming back just felt good.

It always had.

But there was a part of me that felt uneasy about it now. It was that same ominous feeling I'd experienced at Christmas.

Why I was trying to confuse myself or pretend I didn't know why was beyond me. There was one thing making this return trip to Landing feel so much different than all the others.

I was going to be seeing him again. And it was going to be especially difficult because things weren't the same between us.

I'd ruined it, and there hadn't been anything I could bring myself to do to fix it. What would I have done anyway? How could I have made it better?

Tate had rejected me. He made it clear where he stood. And I'd utterly humiliated myself.

Maybe that embarrassment had been good. Maybe it was the best thing for me, even if it had crushed me. The humiliation I'd faced had led me to doing one of the most difficult things I'd ever done in my life.

I stopped.

I stopped reaching out.

I stopped texting.

I didn't even talk to him when I came home for a few days at Christmas.

And I put on a show, pretending I wasn't devastated by the loss of his presence—even the way it used to be—in my life.

It hurt so badly. The ache I felt in my chest when I had free moments to myself while on tour never eased.

And whenever I'd reached out to Ivy, it only got worse for me. For some reason, I hadn't ever been able to bring myself to tell my best friend about my feelings for her brother. She loved me, adored me. If she had the slightest inkling, I didn't doubt she would have pushed him to do something about it.

I didn't want that.

Not at all.

I wanted Tate to want me without anyone's influence or pressure. I wanted him to pursue me and start something between us, because the thought of not having me in his life was too much to bear.

Sadly, that wasn't ever going to happen. He'd made that much clear.

But losing contact with my best friend over the last year while I was away for work wasn't an option for me, so our friendship continued as it always had. It was both a good and bad thing. Good, because I missed her, and I liked being kept in the loop about what was happening in her life. Bad, because Ivy's life intersected with Tate's life. She couldn't tell me about a year of her life experiences and not include her family members. The Westwoods were a tight-knit family; it would have been an impossibility.

So, I listened and laughed as I always would have, meaning every word I said to her, but feeling that hole in my heart growing larger and larger.

The only thing that made life easier was work. There had been a lot of shows, and it was rare for us to get consecutive days off. Though my body was exhausted, my mind and my heart appreciated the distraction of work. Plus, when the shows were over, I was so tired; I didn't stay up all night thinking about Tate and wishing things had been different.

With the state of things between Tate and me, I had considered not coming back for the wedding. But as quickly as that stupid idea had popped into my head, it was gone.

The Westwoods were my family, and Wyatt had been like a big brother to me for as long as I could remember. Missing his wedding, one of the most important days of his life, just wasn't an option.

But this event made me realize what my life was going to look like moving forward. I couldn't pretend in any other scenario that I wasn't devastated about Tate, and I needed to figure out how I was going to cope moving forward.

I was scheduled to fly out the morning after the wedding to return to the tour. There was one week of performances left. Afterward, I had to decide where I was going to go.

Because no matter how much I loved Landing, it was becoming clear that it might not be the place for me any longer.

I had two days left here before I started that next chapter, and I was hoping I'd be able to make the most of them with the rest of the people I knew and loved.

Tonight was the rehearsal dinner, and I was on my way to Savor. I wasn't in the bridal party, but Wyatt, Rhea, and Wyatt's parents had made it clear they wanted me in attendance for the dinner. And with the wedding reception taking place tomorrow at the hotel, they'd decided to have the rehearsal dinner at an outside restaurant. Savor was easily the best choice for the occasion.

The second I walked into the private room where the dinner was being held and saw so many of the familiar faces I knew and loved, my heart squeezed. God, I'd missed them.

Ivy immediately spotted me and came rushing over. "Oh my gosh, I've been dying to squeeze you," she declared, wrapping her arms around me.

I hugged her back. "I've missed you so much."

"I was going to stop in at the hotel earlier this morning just to see you for a few minutes, but I didn't think you'd be up."

Yes, the hotel.

I'd decided before leaving to go on tour to end my former lease. Being away for more than a year, it didn't make sense to continue paying rent. So, I put all my stuff in storage and settled on staying in one of the hotel suites for these two days I'd be here.

Shaking my head, I shared, "I'm dealing with a bit of jet lag, so I'm all out of whack. But I don't care, because I'm so excited for this wedding."

"Ava, you're back."

I spun around and saw Evelyn closing the distance between us, a huge smile on her face.

I beamed at her. "I'm back."

Ivy's mom folded me in her arms and held on tight. "Only one week left of the tour, right?"

Nodding, I confirmed, "That's it."

"You aren't heading out on any other tours after this one, are you?" she pressed, an edge of concern in her expression.

Just like a mom. I should have expected as much from her.

I eased her worries. "No. No, even if there was one for me to audition to be part of, I'm taking some time off. It's been a long sixteen months."

"That's good. You deserve a bit of a break."

I certainly needed it. Fortunately, with little downtime on the tour—and not having the interest in doing a whole lot whenever I had that time—I'd been banking every cent I earned. The money would buy me the time I needed to figure out where my life was going to take me next.

"I'm looking forward to having time to relax for a while."

She parted her lips to respond, but my attention shifted to the masculine hand that had settled right in the middle of my upper back. Twisting my neck, I looked to the side and saw Malcolm there. "Hey, kiddo. It's good to have you home."

I could have cried on the spot. One by one, this family was reminding me why I loved it here so much.

Sliding my arm behind him, I shifted close and gave Ivy's dad a one-armed hug. "It's nice to be back. I've missed you all so much."

Malcolm gave my opposite shoulder a squeeze. "Well, you've got these two days to do some catching up. And in a week, we'll have you back for a while."

He remembered my schedule, too. It was one thing for Ivy and her mom to know, but that Malcolm cared enough to be aware of it meant the world to me.

"We need to celebrate," Ivy chimed in.

Returning my attention to my best friend, I smiled at her. "Yeah. I think we'll get enough of that done between today and tomorrow."

"Not for Wyatt's wedding, though. You were away for your birthday both this year and last year, so we didn't get to celebrate. After you finish on tour, we're going to plan something big."

My head dropped to the side, my ear settling a few inches above my shoulder. My insides warmed. I didn't know what I did to deserve Ivy and the rest of her family, but I was grateful for them. They never missed a celebration, and even though I was old enough to not need a birthday party, they didn't hesitate to throw one for me every year.

I wasn't quite sure how a party for me would look this year. Of course, they'd have no problem putting it together. I just wondered how Tate and I would manage. Would he even show up?

There was a part of me that was tempted to tell Ivy I just wanted a small dinner out with her, but I knew Evelyn would never allow it to happen. She'd learned from the matriarch of the family, Wendy, and missing a birthday celebration would never fly.

"I'll look forward to it."

"Oh, Ava, you made it."

My attention was pulled behind Ivy, where I saw Rhea coming toward me, Wyatt on her heels.

We greeted one another with a hug, and I said, "You look incredible. Absolutely gorgeous."

Loosening her hold on me, she took a step back and said, "Thank you. Here's hoping I look even better tomorrow, right?"

"I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. Plus, even if something was off, I don't think there's anything that's going to stop this guy." I pointed to Wyatt. "He's marrying you no matter what you look like."

Her face lit up just as we both turned our attention to Wyatt. He smiled down at Rhea before looking at me. Something moved through his expression that I hadn't ever seen before, but as quickly as it was there, it was gone. He stepped forward and put an arm around me. "Thank you for leaving the tour and coming back for this."

"You know I wouldn't miss this for anything in the world."

He smiled at me, giving me a squeeze before releasing me and pulling Rhea into his arms.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be here sooner to help with any of the wedding preparations," I lamented.

Wyatt shook his head. "Don't worry about it. We're just glad you're here to celebrate with us. That's what matters most."

"Well, I can't tell you how happy I am for the both of you. I'm sure everything is going to be just perfect."

"We appreciate that. Have you had a chance to catch up with everybody?" Rhea asked.

I shook my head. "Not yet. I just arrived."

With any luck, I'd avoid contact with everyone. I didn't think I'd succeed in not seeing Tate at all, but if I could mitigate the awkwardness by only being around him in a crowd just like I'd done at Christmas, I'd consider that a success.

"Oh, it looks like they're getting ready to serve the food," Malcolm noted. "Maybe we should go grab our seats."

As everyone dispersed, Ivy said, "You're sitting at my table, Ava. Jules is dying to see you, too."

"Great. Lead the way."

I followed Ivy as she led the way through the dining room toward the table where we were seated. And no sooner had I given Jules a hug and been urged to sit down, I turned to pull out my chair and noticed it had already been done for me.

I didn't have to look up to know who was standing there.

My eyes went to the hands resting on the back of the chair and studied them. I'd held those hands in mine more than a year ago. One of those hands had touched my breast more than a year ago.

I closed my eyes briefly, visions of that day flashing in my mind.

My chest began to rise and fall rapidly when my eyes continued their journey up the body those hands were attached to, until they finally settled on the handsome face and blue eyes I'd seen in my dreams for months.

Something I couldn't read had settled in Tate's features. He held my stare for several long moments before he sent a small smile my way and said softly, "Hi, Ava."

If I thought having Tate's parents welcome me home the way I imagined they would have welcomed one of their own children home had me on the verge of tears, it didn't compare to what I felt in this moment.

My belly was trembling, my heart pounding. With just two words, he destroyed me.

Unwilling to make a scene or detract from Wyatt's and Rhea's day in any way, I offered a slight nod in his direction. "Tate."

He frowned. I wanted to believe I saw what looked like regret in his expression, but I refused to do anything that would allow me to get my hopes up again. Tate tipped his chin down, indicating the chair, so I turned and sat as he pushed the chair in for me.

The one thing I hadn't anticipated happening then did.

While Ivy sat on one side of me, Tate sat on the other.

It made no sense. Why would he do such a thing?

Was he trying to make this more difficult for me than it already was? He knew how I felt about him. Why couldn't he have just been kind enough to sit anywhere else instead of torturing me like this?

Because it was absolutely akin to torture to have to sit by him. To see him in his suit and have the scent of him invading my senses. I loved the way he smelled—a sharp, masculine fragrance. Something I'd only ever associate with Tate for as long as I lived. To feel his big body so close to mine—he was tall and lean, but strong and muscular. And his dark brown hair that still held some lighter strands from his time outside in the summer was something I'd always wanted to grip in my hands while kissing those slightly pouty lips.

I glanced at him briefly, noted the way he was looking at me like he had no less than a dozen things he wanted to say to me, and quickly directed my attention to the place setting in front of me.

Fortunately, Jules and Ivy broke the tension for me and pulled me into a conversation. Jules brought me up to speed on the new bakery Cooper had built for her at Westwood's, and since she and Ivy were both seated on the opposite side of where Tate was, I only had to contend with the knowledge and scent of him being beside me. I didn't have to worry about lingering stares, softened expressions, and upturned lips.

And in the moments when I wasn't caught up in discussions with Tate's sisters, he was busy having a conversation with Liam, Cooper, and Skye. Of course, the entire table broke out into conversations often, which helped things for me. The only time I struggled was if I was speaking and could feel Tate's stare burning into me, or if he was talking and I needed to look his way, so nobody would cotton on to what was happening between us.

Following dinner, Wyatt and Rhea stood and thanked everyone for coming. Wyatt gave a speech, and as he professed his love for Rhea, tears welled in my eyes.

Would I ever experience that? Would I ever know that kind of love? I'd been searching for that kind of love my whole life. I thought I'd have it with Tate.

Maybe it was selfish of me to not be happy with all that I had been given in my life. The Westwood family should have been enough for me. I had them, and I had my career.

Did I need to be greedy? Perhaps I wasn't meant to have it all.

A couple of hours after I'd arrived, the night wound down, and everyone was set on heading out. The festivities were set to commence early tomorrow for everyone in the wedding, so nobody wanted to stay out too late.

I made my rounds, saying goodbye and offering my help if any last-minute things came up.

It was when I was on my way to the exit, believing I'd managed okay, considering I'd spent so much time beside Tate, when he called my name. "Ava?"

I stopped moving, looked at him, and tensed. "Yeah?"

The frown returned as he closed the distance between us. When he came to a stop beside me, he asked, "Would it be alright with you if I walked you to your car? I'd like to talk to you privately for a minute."

I should have known better than to assume something bad wouldn't have happened. Tate probably wanted to warn me not to tell anyone what happened between us more than a year ago.

I sighed. "Sure."

Sweeping one hand out in front of me and placing the other at the small of my back, Tate urged me forward and out of the restaurant.

We walked beside one another in a tense silence toward my car. Neither of us said a word. I'd said plenty to him before I went out on the tour. I wouldn't make the same mistake again.

Tate and I came to a stop at the driver's side door, where I tipped my chin up to look at him.

For several long seconds, his eyes roamed over my face. I wondered what was going through his mind, if he was wishing I hadn't ruined our friendship.

"It's nice to see you again," he finally said.

Okay. So, that had been unexpected.

And infuriating.

My eyes narrowed. "Pardon?"

"You've been gone a long time."

"I've been working."

He nodded. "Right. I know."

Tate went back to searching my expression, the blue in his eyes swirling with so many unspoken thoughts, his dark brows slightly furrowed.

I couldn't take it.

I needed to get out of here.

"Is there something specific you wanted to discuss? I really need to get going."

Hurt moved through him. Hurt and, I was convinced I wasn't mistaken about it, regret. "Look, Ava, I know we aren't on the best of terms right now. I'm sorry about that?—"

"Please don't do this to me, Tate. I don't want apologies," I told him.

He let out a frustrated sigh. "I just want you to know that I didn't mean to hurt you. I want us to try to work this out, but with the wedding tomorrow, there's a lot going on. I don't think we're going to fix this in a five-minute conversation, and it deserves some time. The reason I wanted to talk to you now is because I was hoping we'd be able to find a way to put aside our differences for the next day, so we can celebrate together with Wyatt and Rhea tomorrow. I know things are tense between us, but you're part of this family. I almost don't remember my life before you were in it. And I just want you and I to both be able to enjoy ourselves at the wedding."

While so much of what he said should have made me feel good, it was like a slap to the face, like I'd been doused by a bucket of ice water.

It finally made sense.

He'd just said it—I was part of this family.

Every thought I'd had over the years of Tate flirting with me wasn't what I had thought. I'd been mistaken from the start. It wasn't flirting at all.

Tate thought I was nothing more than his sister. He'd just been teasing me the same as he would have done with Ivy or Jules.

Oh, God.

Oh no.

He must have been so disgusted when I'd done what I'd done, standing in front of him wearing a sexy bra and urging his hands to my body.

I had to get out of here.

But I couldn't just get in my car and drive away without answering him.

If this was what he wanted, I'd give it to him. If nothing else, Wyatt and Rhea deserved to have the both of us there celebrating with them.

So, I swallowed past the lump that had formed in my throat and buried the hurt in my heart. I forced a small smile on my face and nodded. "Sure, Tate, I can do that."

"Yeah?"

"Of course. Wyatt is important to me, and I think Rhea is wonderful. They deserve this."

In a move I hadn't been expecting, Tate reached his hand out and curled his fingers around mine. He squeezed them gently, holding my stare. The corners of his mouth turned up in a smile. "It really is so good to see you, Ava."

Why did it have to be this way?

When all I wanted to do was throw my arms over his shoulders and kiss him, Tate wanted nothing to do with me.

In an effort not to unearth the devastation that knowledge left me with, I returned the sentiment. "It's good to see you, too, Tate."

He smiled, the tension easing out of his features. "I'll see you tomorrow, wild one."

I had no choice but to ignore the longing I felt with that endearment. Why would he ever say such a thing when he saw me the way he did?

"Yeah. Have a good night."

My throat was so dry, the words barely came out.

Tate opened my door for me, the gesture only making my heart yearn for something I couldn't have, and I slipped in behind the wheel.

When he closed the door and offered a smile and a wave, something broke inside me. I kept a hold on my emotions, waved back, and got myself out of there as fast as I could.

And that night was the first night since the night I'd ruined everything that I didn't get a wink of sleep.