Chapter 17

Ryan

I should have known she"d be here. If I wasn"t certain she"d already seen me coming, I probably would have driven off without stopping.

Who was I kidding? Ever since I walked out of her door my raven had been furious and constantly squawking in my head. He didn"t seem to care that watching her burn had likely taken years off of our life. He just cared that she was alive.

Why couldn"t it be that simple for me?

I needed rules and order in my life. Gracie didn"t even know what those words meant. She made me careless. I"d blown off my own job and life just to hang out with her. That wasn"t me.

I"d never been so cavalier with things. I"d never blown off a meeting, especially with the Congress council. I barely even knew who I was anymore. Yet I couldn't stop thinking about her.

It was an obsession. I craved her, and not just her body, but her mind and spirit. She was like a drug. Drug addicts knew that drugs were bad, yet they couldn"t stop themselves from going back for another hit. Just seeing her standing there felt like a temptation that I wasn"t sure I was strong enough to walk away from. A part of me wanted that hit, the high of just being with her.

Clarence had called me to tell me that I needed to finish what I started. He wanted me to continue working with Gracie. When I told him that I didn"t think that was a good idea, he"d laughed and said, "I don"t know what happened between the two of you and I don"t need to know, but she said the same goddamn thing."

After that he"d told me to do it anyway and even went so far as to challenge me and my commitment to serving and protecting Ravenden. It had been over the top, but it"d certainly ruffled my feathers enough to get me moving.

I figured the fastest way out of this was to just solve the case and find the arsonist. I should have known that Gracie would think the same.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as I parked then stepped out of the car.

"Probably same as you."

We didn"t even know for certain that this fire was even related to the others, so we both knew our first step was to confirm it or strike it from our list.

"Clarence call you?"

"Yup."

"I don"t need you, Ryan."

Her words cut me like a knife through my heart.

"So you can go back to just being mayor. I"ll figure this out on my own. I always do."

There was a sadness in her voice and my instinct was to run to her, wrap her up in my arms, and promise her she never had to face anything on her own again. But then the nightmare surfaced as I saw the perfect circle marring the ground. It wasn't because of the fire exactly; it was where she"d died.

I pushed that thought from my mind.

This was business and nothing more. I could be an adult about this. For now, I needed to work with Gracie. It was for the good of Ravenden. I was going to have to accept that, keep my distance so not to encourage the bond any further, and just do my damn job. Then whatever this had been between us would be over and I could finally go about my life.

So why did that thought make me so sad?

I knew I still wanted Gracie in my life, but that was just the addiction talking.

I cleared my throat. "Did you find a match? Or a feather? Any chance this is our boy or is it just a tragic incident?"

She held up her hand, holding both items.

"It"s definitely him."

I sighed. That's what I was afraid of.

"Why do you think he changed his M.O.?"

Most people didn"t realize that M.O. was short for modus operandi. Loosely translated it meant "mode of operating." In a case like this it meant why did he change the fire? The location was way off from any of the others we"d attributed to him. This one had to be personal, but why?

"We"d have to know more about him first. What"s his why? How do all these sites connect, or are they just random? Are we dealing with a calculated arsonist or just an active and curious pyromaniac? There"s still too much that we don"t know."

She was in full work mode, trying to separate emotions from the job. We both knew we weren"t getting out of this until the case was solved.

Still, her detachment bothered me. Even though it was exactly my plan to get through this in one piece, I hated that she was using it against me.

"We need to start a trail and brainstorm the possible whys that could lead us to the who."

"We could set up a project board down at the station," she suggested.

"How about my office? I don't want others stumbling by and seeing it, especially since I know you want to put Vance on it. I don"t want to confront him until we have some concrete evidence."

"And he could stop by the firehouse."

"Exactly."

"I guess your office makes sense."

She seemed uncharacteristically uncomfortable at the thought. And then it hit me. We were falling back into a comfort zone as if nothing had happened, but it had happened, and I didn"t know how to go back after what I"d seen. And she didn"t seem too pleased to be alone with me in the small confines of my office.

"Or we can do the firehouse and just not put actual names of suspects on the board if you"d rather not be alone with me."

She gave me a confused look. "You"re the one with that problem. Not me. We don"t even have to work this case together if you'd rather."

"Clarence pretty much ordered me to finish it out. He"s a hard man to say no to."

"He doesn"t have to know."

She was being defensive. I could see it on her face. I"d hurt her and that killed me to realize. I couldn"t even look at her because of the guilt. It was too much.

Mate, my raven whined.

"Well, if you have everything sorted here, I"m going to grab some lunch. No point in asking you to join me because we both know you"ll just say no. So if you want to work on the board, you can meet me in my office at two."

My words came out much harsher than I planned, and I wouldn"t blame her one bit if she didn"t show.

Before she could respond, I turned and walked back to my car, got in, and drove away.

I couldn"t bear the thought of rejection from her even though I knew that was exactly what I was doing to her.

The thing was, I wanted her so badly. It would be so easy to just pull her into my arms and kiss her the way I so desperately wanted to, but I couldn"t get past the image of watching her die.

How many times had that happened to her? None of the men on her crew seemed surprised by it in the least. So I knew that wasn"t the first time it had happened. Everyone seemed to know about it, everyone but me.

Why hadn"t she thought to prepare me for something like that?

When I"d seen her die like that, I had wanted to die too, and that terrified me. It wasn"t something I was just going to get over. I was still trying to process what I had seen.

I pulled up to the diner and forced myself to go inside.

Sitting at my normal table, I chose the chair with my back to the door. Gia didn"t leave me waiting long before she slid into the seat across from me.

"How are you holding up?"

"I"m fine," I snapped.

"Sure you are. And how"s my new sister?"

I growled at her and scowled.

"Wow, touchy today. I"m used to that look from Eli but not you. Come on Ryan, talk to me."

"There"s nothing to talk about."

"Seriously? You finding your true mate is just nothing to talk about?"

"Would you keep your voice down? The whole town will know about it at this rate, and there"s nothing to know. It"s over. I can"t do it."

She stared at me for a while before finally saying, "Bullshit."

"What? I said there"s nothing to talk about and I mean it."

"So you haven't seen her?"

"I have actually."

"And . . ."

"And what? She knows where I stand on this and doesn"t even seem bothered by it."

I suspected that was a lie, but she did seem to try to put up a good front. She hadn"t cried or begged me to come back to her. Then again, if she had, I knew I wasn"t strong enough to tell her no.

How had she come to have such a strong hold over me in such a short time?

"Interesting."

"What"s that supposed to mean?"

"Did she reject you?"

"What? No!"

"But you did reject her."

"It"s not like that," I tried to reason, but it was just like that.

I hadn"t meant to reject her. I was just trying to protect myself. Was she in pain? Was I hurting her? I thought I might throw up at the thought.

"If you puke, I"m going to puke, and then you"re going to clean it all up. Am I clear?"

I glared at her. "I"m not going to puke."

She gave me a knowing look.

"Do you think I"m hurting her?"

"The fact that you even asked tells me you already know the answer to that."

I cringed. "How bad do you think it is for her?"

"How bad is it for you?"

I just stared at her. I wasn"t about to admit just how much pain I was in. It would pass. I had to believe it would pass. Right now, it was just a mild ache, a feeling of emptiness, but our bond was still new. Our ravens had only met once. It couldn"t be that serious yet.

"Just give me a cheeseburger and fries to go," I barked.

Gia was wasting my time. I was going to have to eat at the office now.

"Wow. I"ve never seen you so out of sorts and angry. The girl really has you tied up in knots."

"I"m not talking about it, and I"m not out of sorts," I snapped.

Gia burst out laughing. "I love her already. Any woman who can manage to get my perfectly composed brother so tangled up and in his head is absolutely okay in my books."

"You suck. Go get my cheeseburger. I have to go."

"Meeting up with Gracie?"

"It"s business."

"Business with Gracie?"

"I don"t have a choice."

She laughed again, but this time she at least got up. As she was walking by me, she wrapped an arm around my neck and leaned down to whisper.

"You always have a choice, big brother."

I was still stewing when she returned a short time later with two to-go containers in a bag and a drink carrier with two sodas.

"I"m not that hungry," I complained.

"One"s for you. The other"s for her." She winked at me then waltzed away to tend to a customer.

I begrudgingly took the food and drinks and left.

A short time later, I was walking into my office with it all.

"Hey boss, Gracie Montgomery is waiting for you in your office. Insisted she had a meeting with you, but it"s not on the calendar. She"s quite persistent. She"s always been a brat."

"Sorry. I arranged it before going to get lunch."

I held out my hands to show her the food.

"One of those for me?"

I cringed and she laughed.

"No worries, boss. I already ate. You"re off the hook this time."

"I forgot you and Gracie are cousins."

"Yeah, but we were never all that close. She was a fun kid, but after her parents died, she sort of locked herself away from everyone. I barely even recognized her because it"s been so long since I last saw her."

I considered that for a moment, and it left an ache in my heart thinking of her all alone in this world.

"Need me to clear off your calendar for the afternoon?" Jennifer asked, changing the subject before I had to.

"What do I have?"

"Let"s see, you have a three o"clock call with Clarence Grimes. Your dad canceled his meeting with you already. Looks like that"s it. Want to cancel with Clarence too?"

She was testing me to gauge how long Gracie would be there. I knew Jennifer well. She would never gossip about me, but she"d definitely hold it over my head. If only she knew the truth.

"Keep the call with Clarence. He"ll want an update on what Gracie and I are working on."

"Working?" she asked, sounding disappointed.

"Yes working, so hold my calls unless it"s Clarence or an emergency."

"Yes, sir."

At least that would put a stop to her speculations.

I walked into my office to find her sitting across from my desk with her foot bouncing nervously up and down.

Taking a deep breath, I gave myself a little pep talk. If I didn"t make direct eye contact and kept my distance to ensure we didn"t touch or inadvertently encourage the bond between us, then just maybe we"d both come out of this unscathed.

I held up the bags in my hands. "Did you eat? Gia sent you lunch."

"I thought you were going out to lunch."

"I did, but my sister wouldn"t shut her damn mouth long enough to take my order until it was too late. So when she heard I was meeting with you, she doubled the order."

Gracie just sat there staring at the box I held out to her.

"I hope you like cheeseburgers and fries."

When she still didn"t take it, I jiggled it in front of her until she did.

"Tell Gia thanks."

I sat down at my desk instead of beside her.

No staring, no touching,I reminded myself.

We ate in uncomfortable silence. I could still feel the sexual tension buzzing between us. It would be so easy to just walk around and pull her into my arms and then lay her down on my desk and have my way with her.

Instead, I pushed all those thoughts away and got up to clear my whiteboard to begin our task at hand.

Once working, my nerves settled some. I could handle this.

We really did work well together.

By the time Clarence called we had all the fires categorized and had begun brainstorming connections. Vance was at the top of the list of suspects, but that still wasn"t sitting well with me. We were missing something; I just couldn"t quite put my finger on it.

"I guess that"s it for today," I said, once we were off the phone with him. "This was good. Let"s sleep on it and maybe reconvene in a few days if nothing new happens and we can compare notes and update our suspect list."

"Okay. I"ll check on any insurance claims that were filed on the house and revisit the sites with fresh eyes after this," she said.

I hated the idea of her going back to the scenes of these crimes without me, but I knew this was for the best.

"Okay," I muttered.

"You're really okay with that?"

"Of course," I lied.

"You"re a horrible liar, Ryan."

I already knew that. Everyone knew that about me.

"And why the hell won"t you even look at me? I didn"t do anything wrong. I was just doing my job."

"That wasn"t just you doing your job, Gracie. You ran into a fire without proper gear on. That was reckless. As far as I"m concerned you should be suspended for it."

Maybe it was a mistake, but I did look at her. She was pissed but looked more hurt by my words. This tugged at my chest wanting to make it okay, but there was nothing okay about what I"d witnessed. I felt so much that it scared the shit out of me. I shook my head.

"It doesn't matter. I don"t want to fight about it. I just can't do this."

"But why?" she asked. Her eyes begged me for answers.

I shook my head once more and turned to leave even though it was my office and she should be the one leaving. I just had to get out of there. I hesitated at the door.

"Because I love you too much to ever watch you go through that again. It would kill me. I"ve never considered myself weak, but I"m not strong enough for this."