Chapter 16

Gracie

Ryan was my one true mate.

That thought was on replay in my mind. How could he not know? He"d looked right at me, and I"d clearly heard my raven"s mating call, yet he"d just flown away.

I had half a mind to track him down and clock him one good time for it, but I was also terrified he might have rejected me.

I"d never cared much for the whole true mate fantasy. I knew some people had found theirs, but it was so rare that it felt impossible. Plus, my world was so small, with the same people in it forever, that it didn"t make sense to believe he was here somewhere.

But he was.

Because my true mate was Ryan Davenport.

All my teenage girlie dreams should be coming true right now, but they weren"t. Instead, since Clarence booted me from the firehouse once again, I"d stopped by the store for a tub of ice cream, a pack of cookies, some chips, and a whole rotisserie chicken. I was angry stress eating and downing it with the case of beer I"d also gotten while trying not to think about him.

It was nearly dark out. We hadn"t gone this long without seeing each other since we started this case together. So where the hell was he now?

I"d picked up my phone to call or text him so many times, but stubbornly, I just couldn"t do it.

I understood watching me burn to death wasn"t fun, but he had to have seen me reborn. He had to because my raven connected with his.

I wiped a tear from my cheek and scrolled through my movies list looking for something to watch. I couldn"t decide if I was eliminating sad stories or embracing them. I was already in a full-blown meltdown. So, would sad bring me comfort or completely push me over the edge?

In the past I hadn"t dealt well with such high emotional times. I had a tendency to burn myself when emotions got too high. It didn't do anything but give me a few minutes of absolute silence during the time I no longer existed to calm my soul from the chaos around me.

Considering doing just that, I got up and found a lighter. It would be so easy to just let myself be consumed by the flames. I didn"t even feel any pain from it. The pretty flames just danced around me. As long as I didn"t actually look at my flesh burning off my skin, then it was a nice experience, even magical right up until I faded out.

I flicked the lighter and stared at the flame. When it started to get warm, I let go and then did it again. The next time, I hovered my hand just over the flame. Without fuel it wouldn't take off quickly. My hair had always been my go to for that, but I did have a case of beer I could bathe in first.

Thoughts like that should have been a big red flag that I was drinking too much too fast, but I was beyond that point to where everything sounded like a great idea.

The thing was, no one would ever know because I was all alone in this world with no one to care.

I started to sob.

I"d truly thought Ryan cared.

I was wrong.

A knock on my door startled me. If that was another delivery for the wrong house, I was going to lose it. Maybe I"d just shift and peck the guy's eyes out. Or maybe I should just set him on fire. Didn"t he realize I just wanted to be alone to wallow in my own misery?

In my younger days, I"d had this idea that nothing could kill me—not just fire. I"d done a lot of really stupid things back then, and while I hadn"t died, I"d definitely felt enough pain to wish I had. But I"d also learned that it wasn"t all that easy to die, especially a painless death. It was never like fire.

Another knock sounded on the door.

"You have the wrong house again, you idiot. Go away."

This time the knob turned, and I squealed as the door flung open. The only thing I had in my hand was a beer and a lighter. I didn"t want to waste my beer, so I chucked the lighter at my intruder instead.

"Ow. Knock it off, Gracie."

I stared back at a very naked Ryan.

How much had I had to drink?

"Ryan?"

"Hi."

"What the hell are you doing here?" I yelled.

"How much have you had to drink?"

"Not enough."

"What are you doing?"

"What am I doing? Why are you even here?"

I watched him cringe away from my harsh words. But he was naked, and I wanted him to make it all better so badly that I wasn"t even willing to give him the chance to try. And the worst part of all was that I knew I was pushing him away.

I was terrified of what it meant to be a true mate—that one perfect person for someone. Not just someone, but him. I wasn"t perfect. A fun fling was one thing, but the thought of forever freaked me out.

But he looked so good standing there thinking through the words he wanted to say.

"Are you okay?" he finally asked.

His calm voice was just pissing me off even more.

"Do I look okay?"

"No."

I snorted. "Where the hell were you all day, Ryan?"

I didn"t mean to ask that. I hadn"t planned on it. I knew I shouldn"t, but it had just come bumbling out anyway.

I hated the pain I saw in his eyes.

I was hurting him.

Well good.

It was insane that I had that sort of power over him. Why would he even care? No one ever really cared. I trusted the guys I worked with to have my back, just as I had theirs, but outside the firehouse I was entirely on my own. They had lives of their own. It was why I worked so much.

Now here was the one man that should be mine. And yet I couldn"t even let myself be happy about that because I couldn't trust him to always be there. Even my own parents had failed me in that department.

"I"m sorry I didn"t come by sooner. Apparently, I passed out and slept all day. If you could call it sleep, more like nightmares."

"Nightmares about being mated to me?"

"Nightmares about watching you die over and over."

"I told you I couldn't die from fire."

"You failed to mention that was because you're a phoenix. How did that not hurt you? It killed me to see you go through that and you didn"t even scream or cry or anything."

I shrugged. "I can"t feel it."

"At all?"

I shook my head.

"How is that even possible?"

I shrugged again. "How can Andrew move water? And how do any of us use our powers?"

"I can"t stand by and watch you go through that again. It would kill me."

My heart sunk even though I"d been bracing to hear it all day.

Mine! my raven protested, sending a stabbing pain through my chest.

Did he really not feel the bond between us?

"I"m sorry," he said before he turned, shifted, and flew away.

Somehow, I managed to walk over to the couch and sit down, then I picked up the container of melting ice cream and shoved a big spoonful into my mouth.

I wanted so badly to go after him, but I just couldn"t bring myself to do it.

He actually rejected me.

I expected it, knew it was coming, but damn it hurt worse than I could imagine. I was pretty sure that actually burning alive wouldn"t hurt this much.

*****

There had been no point in going to work when I was drunk and wallowing, but the next day I picked myself up, showered, and went back to the firehouse.

"What are you doing here?" Clarence asked.

"Reporting for duty. My apologies for not making it back in last night. Were there any issues?"

"None. Did you and Ryan get a chance to investigate the house fire yesterday?"

"No sir. I"m sorry but Ryan and I will no longer be working together."

"The hell you won't. I know he can be a bit difficult to work with sometimes, but I need you to try. He"s actually very good at this sort of thing."

"The best," I agreed.

"Then what"s the problem?"

"I cannot work with that man."

He huffed. "Well damn it Gracie, you"re going to have to try harder."

"But I"m not even on restriction anymore. Send someone else to deal with him."

"No. You"ve come this far. You"re just going to have to see it through."

"But . . ."

"No buts, and I"m not taking no for an answer. This is an order, Gracie. I don't care about whatever beef you have with the mayor. You"re just going to have to suck it up until we break this case. Ravenden PD is all over it, but this is arson. That"s our territory. I need this case solved and this arsonist found before someone really gets hurt."

"You mean unlike me," I muttered.

"Exactly. And thanks for what you did for Guffy. I know I give you a bunch of shit for running half-cocked into a fire, but in this case it was worth it. You did good, kid."

"Uh, thanks, Chief."

"You are going to see this arson case through. Am I clear?"

"Understood," I said with a huff.

How was I supposed to work with Ryan now? I supposed I could at least pretend to be okay with it and let him be the one to bail on it. Or better yet, maybe I could just solve the case on my own and then I wouldn"t need him. The chief wanted the arsonist. I doubted he cared if Ryan and I worked together on it, just that the culprit was caught. So I was going to have to be the one to find him.

Feeling satisfied with that plan of action, I started to brainstorm some ideas. I hadn"t really looked around the house fire yet, so that was certainly where I needed to start.

Taking my radio and gear with me, I loaded up in my Jeep and drove over there.

I hadn"t known Old Lady Pierce, but I did go to school with her grandson. I hadn"t seen or thought of him in years. I wasn"t even certain I'd recognize him now.

An old memory flashed into my mind. Vance picking on Carson. I conjured up multiple images of this occurring. Could this just be another instance? Did Vance know that this was her house?

Even as I said it, I shook my head. I was just looking for connections to Vance now, and that wasn"t a good thing, especially if I was wrong and it wasn"t actually him. My gut told me it was though. There were just too many signs pointing back to him.

Ryan had been so certain it couldn"t be, though. I knew they were friends, so perhaps his judgement was just clouded by it.

I pulled up to the house, or what was the house. There were few remnants remaining. The place had burned to the ground. Just in front of what was once the main entrance was a black ring of ash that I knew had nothing to do with the fire. It was where I had last died.

I didn"t like to dwell on the fact that I did indeed die and was reborn every single time. It was hard not to think about all the questions I had regarding my gift. I"d never met another phoenix, and while I"d read everything I could find on the myth of the phoenix, it wasn"t typically applicable to my experiences.

I just wished I knew more about it. Like how long does it last? Is there an expiration date? A big fear of mine is burning one too many times and that when the darkness comes that it will be for the rest of eternity. I had no idea if that was even a possibility.

Walking through the rubble, I was searching for the usual signs. Where was the matchstick? And was there going to be a single feather lying around? Ryan had always been so good at finding those. Would I even notice it?

Inside the remains of the house there were burnt photos and other memories. Fires out in nature were one thing, but it always tugged on my heartstrings when it was someone"s home.

Sure, I realized that Old Lady Pierce had been dead for years and clearly no one had lived here in a very long time. But it was still someone"s family history locked inside those walls. Memories and experiences, time with loved ones—the good, the bad, and the ugly— those walls had contained it all.

Leaving the house area, I walked around the grounds. The guys had done a great job preserving it. Only the house had burned. Even the dilapidated shed in the backyard had survived.

And there, just a few yards away, was a single wooden match.

I bent down to pick it up. It was close enough to the remnants of the house that had we not contained the fire it likely would have burnt up too.

Not even five feet from the match was a single black feather.

I bent down to pick it up as a car pulled up. I didn"t even need to look to see who it was. It was as if I could feel his presence.

Ryan.