11. Torin

Chapter 11

Torin

Witnessing Joshua's meltdown triggered something inside me. The urge to make him happy came back the moment I saw him on my porch, but the need to take care of him and make sure no one ever hurt his feelings or anything else was new. Not completely new, but not something I'd felt for anyone other than Bella.

And now that I'd held him in my arms, brushed my lips across his head and inhaled that musky scent that was uniquely him, I was right back there in high school. Desperate to get my hands on his whole body and remembering how good it used to feel.

After Joshua, I didn't sleep with anyone until Stacy. I'd been with plenty of girls in high school but those were just to maintain my image as the popular jock. Those girls wanted my notch on their nightstands as much as I needed theirs. But they didn't mean anything. The only person I felt real feelings for was the one person who was completely off limits.

Well, maybe not just the person but the entire gender.

As far as my parents were concerned, guys like me weren't gay. Joshua pulled it off because his parents weren't particularly religious and were very open-minded. But my devout parents would have sent me to a conversion camp if they knew the truth. And if they were still around, they'd be sending women to my house on a weekly basis to become Bella's new mommy.

But Bella didn't need a new mommy. She had me, and now she had Joss too.

As long as I didn't scare him away.

After dinner, I got up to give Bella her bath, and Joss took our dishes to the sink to clean up. Before I left the room, I turned back and asked one of the dumbest or best questions of my life. "Would you like to watch a movie later? After Bella goes down?"

Even from across the kitchen, I could see his body tense and hear his breath catch. After a moment, he nodded without looking at me over his shoulder. "Yeah, that sounds cool."

"Cool."

I took Bella to her room to get her ready for a bath while trying to rationalize what I had just done. There was no rationale. I kept trying to convince myself that I just wanted to be friends again, but we were never really friends. He was my dirty little secret, and I was his fantasy come true. That was egotistical and conceited, even as a thought in my mind, but it was true.

Even as a stupid kid, I knew how much he cared about me and would've done anything for me, and I completely disregarded his feelings every step of the way.

I was crouched beside the plastic tub while Bella splashed, but her eyes were already drooping before I even poured the first cupful of warm water over her hair. Instead of making it a play night, I quickly dried her off and put her in her pajamas.

Just as she was ready for her last bottle, Joss appeared in the doorway with warm milk in his hand. "Are you ready for this?"

I nodded and reached for the bottle, then sat down in the glider as Joss quietly disappeared. I watched the empty space for a moment before starting the lulling motion that always put her to sleep. While we rocked, I noticed the photo I had turned down earlier was standing upright again as if he had fixed it for me. Why was he always trying to help!

Guilt knotted up my belly for what I'd been thinking of doing, but then I felt even more guilt for knowing I was probably going to do it regardless of how bad of an idea it was. "Please don't hate me for this, Stacy," I whispered to the photo.

Bella's little hand clenched around my finger as she slowed down on the nipple.

"And you, sweet girl, can't hate me either. I'll do my best not to screw up again, but no promises."

Her eyes opened for just a moment and then drifted shut again as she released her suction on the nipple and turned away.

With a soft sigh, I lowered the face of the photo once again and put Bella in her crib. I was either correcting the worst mistake of my life or making another one.

Either way, I couldn't have Stacy watching me while I did it, staring at me with hatred and judgment. Questioning every moment we spent together. Did I ever really love her if I never stopped caring for Joshua?

I thought I had gotten over him, and I did love her very much, but I never felt this all-consuming angst in my belly when I was within arms' reach of Stacy. And that was exactly how I felt with Joshua.

But that was the past. Stacy was gone now, and as much as I would bring her back so Bella could have her mother again, I was starting to realize that maybe I didn't need her back for me anymore. If I had to choose who to be with today, would I choose Stacy or would I choose…

Fuck!

How could I even be thinking those thoughts? Mourning was supposed to take years. There was no world in which a man was supposed to be thinking about someone else so soon after his wife's death, but also…how could I not?

The love and care Joshua had for Bella was obvious in everything he did. He changed his whole life just to be here for us, and that was hard to ignore. Hard to not interpret as a sign of just how perfect this family dynamic truly was.