42. Amaya

42

AMAYA

FOURTEEN YEARS OLD

S he's gone. Nana's gone, and it feels like I'm the only one who cares.

I know the boys and their parents do, but mom doesn't. She didn't even show up at her mom's funeral yesterday because she was passed out drunk all day.

Nana had everything ready for her service before she passed, which I will forever be thankful for, but I’m still hurt that she planned for her death so perfectly. Nana never should have been put in that position.

She should still be here. If she were, I know Nana would be curled up in my bed with me, helping me laugh away the tears soaking my pillow.

I'm not alone, not with my wonderful friends and their families who love me. I just can't help but feel the deep-rooted ache of a girl who has no family. Mom did the one thing that would truly break my heart; she wasn't there for me in the wake of Nana's passing.

I have no family.

Nana's gone. My mom doesn't love me, and I have a dad somewhere out there who never wanted me.

A sob slams against my rib cage and rips itself free as I imagine what it would be like to have a dad hug me and wipe my tears. I bet he would have strong arms and a wide chest to shield me from the world.

I would let him.

I don't care that he's been absent for fourteen years. I just want my dad. He doesn't even have to be the man of my dreams either. I only want him to care. I want my dad to come sweep me off my feet, kiss the top of my head, and tell me I'm not alone. Maybe he would throw a glare at my shitty mother, but apologize to me for not coming sooner.

Forgiveness would come easy, because he might have a good explanation. Every time I asked about him or begged the sky to bring him to me would fade away in his scent that comforts me like no other scent would.

A father-daughter bond would instantly form, chasing away the loneliness that has been dragging me down since Nana passed away.

I cry and I cry, not knowing who I'm mourning anymore.

I lost my mom long ago, so my tears aren't for her.

Of course my heart is broken for my nana dying, but her absence makes the gap where my father should be that much greater.

My tears are for the loss of my nana, but the sobs that shred my vocal cords and choke my breaths are for the dad I wish would come save me from this painful loneliness.