Nine

Liz

21 Years Ago

"Hey, Liz," Lyle greeted as he took his seat across from me at the library. He was wearing his letterman jacket, looking like a teenage dream clad in navy blue and gold lettering.

Number 28.

"Liz?" I questioned, arching my brow, because for the last few weeks that wasn't the name he'd been calling me.

"Yeah. Sorry about calling you Liza. I didn't know you didn't like it. A guy can only pick up on so much." He scratched the back of his head with his pencil as he smiled at me.

Describing Lyle's smile was like trying to capture the essence of the Mona Lisa — it's just too hard to put into words. It made my heart skip a beat every damn time. It was as if the sun itself was made to be his spotlight, casting its light on him whenever he stretched his lips over his pearly whites.

"Hmm, that's too bad. I thought you were a special kind of guy." I leaned forward in my seat, getting my homework out so he could help me with log functions.

"Wait, you thought I was special?"

I snorted a laugh, loving how light he made things feel. "That's what you got from that?"

"I mean, yeah." he smiled again, his eyes sparkling even under the fluorescent lights of the library. I shook my head, biting at the side of my pencil as I stared at the daunting numbers on my page. "Don't worry, Liz. I am going to get to know you so well I'll be able to tell what you're thinking by just seeing the look on your face."

"If you say so." I shrugged, trying not to smirk like a fucking idiot.

Present

I woke up to the ringing of the alarm, pulling me from the memories I had long since forgotten that now often plagued my dreams. Rolling to my side, I slid my finger across the screen with my eyes closed, ceasing the melodic chime.

Thinking back on it, Lyle had done what he set out to do. He could meet my eyes and know exactly what I was thinking…what I was craving. He knew me better than I knew myself at times, and it was honestly infuriating, but I loved it.

"Good morning." Brian's voice rasped out, causing me to jump in fright. I had forgotten he was here, flooding my brain with last night's events. His confession was the most confusing thing right now, bringing me both joy and torment.

"Morning."

"You're thinking about it again, aren't you?" Brian poked my forehead as the corner of his lips tugged up.

"Maybe."

"I told you that you don't have to say anything, Liz, and I meant that. You're not ready, and I am sorry I was so selfish as to confess anything to you last night. I just don't want to miss my chance with you again. It would be a fate worse than death."

"So dramatic," I teased him, finding the cold wasn't the only reason I didn't want to get off this bed.

"I guess so."

He grew silent, his eyes flickering between my own. The tension between us was pulling me in like a magnet. Trying to remove myself from the face of temptation, I sat up and got off the bed.

"I gotta make sure the kids are up. Today is Lil's first day back since the fight."

I pulled my hair up in a quick clip, throwing a hoodie over my pajamas, and calling it a day. I would have to come back and change for work after I drop off my children anyway.

Brian watched me the whole time from the cozy confines of my bed, his arm propped beneath his head as he studied me. The definition of his muscles was evident in that pose, accentuating the tattoo of a delicate finch etched on his skin.

I must remember to ask him about that later.

"You think she's going to be okay?" he asked, genuinely concerned for my child.

"I sure as shit hope so. Lil is strong, but I'm worried she's stretching herself too thin. Really, I am worried she's putting up a front and burying her feelings. She needs to let it out."

"Watch what you wish for, Lizzie. She could be like you and let it all out in fits of rage." He chuckled, but I paled at the thought.

I was always grateful that Lil was nothing like me at that age. I gave mom hell every day. Then again, she wasn't exactly the best mother on the planet. Elle can attest to that.

"Shut up. Don't say that!" I was smirking again as I threw a shirt at him.

"Text me when the coast is clear. Will I see you at the shop today?"

"Yeah, I'll be there."

He nodded, standing from my bed and striding towards me. His arms wrapped around my waist, drawing me close in a tender embrace. He kissed my forehead as he pulled away, leaving the lingering sensation of his lips on my skin.

"See you soon."

I ran out of my room with my heart thumping and my stomach swirling. Brian's presence brought me great confusion, making me feel giddy and guilty at the same time. It made my stomach hurt and my heart ache.

I checked in on Lil first, spotting her at her desk, already dressed. I figured she would wake up before me. She was good like that.

"Morning. Did you eat breakfast yet?" I asked her after knocking on the door to announce my presence.

"Not yet, but I will. Auntie is making cinnamon waffles and icing, so I am definitely not missing out."

"Fuck yeah! I love those!" I said a little too excitedly, forgetting who I was talking to. My hands quickly clasped over my mouth as my eyes widened in surprise at my outburst. "Sorry. You didn't hear that."

Lil laughed, filling my chest with nothing but happiness for a solitary moment. Her laugh was like delicate chimes in the wind, easing my soul.

"Oh, no! I heard it." She shook her head, holding her palm out towards me. "Pay up."

She opened and closed her hand with a sense of urgency. I've always had a hard time censoring myself, so to help, Lyle created a system. Any time the kids heard me swear, or say something completely inappropriate, they could charge me. It wasn't always money either. Milo last year made my form of payment piggyback rides for the whole day. His little feet didn't touch the ground for twenty-four freaking hours.

"I don't have my wallet on me."

"I expect my payment before I leave the house, Mom." Lil grinned at me, milking this moment for all it was worth. "Ten dollars should do."

"Fine. I'll get you at the door."

I shook my head as I made my way to Milo's room. His curls were the only part of him peeking out from beneath the covers, the rest of him concealed in a cozy cocoon. Milo had always slept like the dead. He could wake up at night, lean over, throw up on the floor, and go right back to sleep as if nothing happened.

"Milo, sweetheart. It's time to get up."

I strode towards him, gently shaking him as I pulled the sheets down to reveal his sweet face. The mom in me couldn't help but watch him sleep for a second longer, noting the changes to his once-infant face. "Milo, come on, buddy. We gotta get up."

I shook him a bit harder, getting a rise from him. He groaned in protest, peeking at me through cracked lids. With a heavy breath, he sat up, rubbing his eyes and stretching.

"Good morning, Mom." He smiled at me, feeling more himself as the sleep shook off.

"Want me to pick your clothes out? Or do you want to do it?"

"I'll do it." His little ringlets bounced as he moved his head, springing in the most adorable way around his face. The strong impulse to pinch his cheeks crept up, unable to stop it.

"Ugh. You're so darn cute!" Milo only giggled happily, smiling real wide so his cheeks poked out more. "I love you, Rugrat."

"I love you, too." He squeezed me in a tight little hug, showing me he wasn't just growing in size but in strength as well.

"Oh, before I forget. I spoke with Brian and he said he would be happy to come and help you." The reminder of last night brought back all my troubled feelings, pushing away the happiness my children had just brought me.

"Really?" Milo bounced happily. It pleased me to know that he would be happy with Brian there.

"Yes, really. So don't worry about anything, okay?" He nodded, hopping off his bed and excitedly making his way towards his dresser drawers. "I'll see you downstairs for breakfast."

Part of me wanted to go back to my room and check on Brian again, despite knowing he was just fine. Knowing that would be a stupid idea, I hurriedly made my way downstairs, carried by the smell of cinnamon waffles.

"I smell heaven," I sang as I entered the kitchen, seeing Addie at Elle's side, making the batter.

Elle laughed, its sound like a melodic tingling of bells, eliciting a smile from me. "Heaven would smell much better. I am sure."

"If you say so, but this is pretty gosh darn close."

"Gosh darn?" she questioned, poking fun at my censored words.

"Little ears, deep pockets."

"Sure. Addie, how often have you heard your aunt curse?" Elle didn't look at either of us as she asked, pouring the batter onto the waffle maker.

"I don't have enough fingers to count that high," she answered with a large grin.

I gasped dramatically, placing my hand over my chest. "Why I never, Addie. I thought we were cool."

She giggled in response as she stirred the batter. "We are, Auntie Beth, but let's be real. You know you say a lot of swear words."

"I guess, you're not wrong."

We spoke for a little while about school until I decided to change the topic to boys.

"So, Addie, got any boys interested in you?" I wiggled my eyebrows at her, seeing her turn crimson beneath my gaze.

"Auntie Beth!" My name left her lips in a tone similar to that of a mother scolding her child. I laughed at her reaction, bumping her elbow to try and get her to tell me more.

"So that's a yes then?" Just as she was going to answer me, Lil walked in with a smile.

"What are we talking about that's got Addie so worked up?" she asked, leaning over the kitchen island with her elbows. I loved the fact that she could tell her cousin was flustered by just looking at her for a second.

"Boys." Lil only lifted her brow in an uninterested way, suddenly getting quiet, which only raised my suspicions. I doubted she had a boyfriend already, considering she hadn't been at school that long before getting suspended. I didn't continue my line of questioning, feeling it best to just drop the conversation there. A few minutes later Elle was making her way to the dining room with her large serving tray.

"Make yourselves a plate and scarf it down. We gotta go in twenty minutes if we want to make it to school before the first bell," Elle announced, setting the large stack of waffles at the center of the table. "Liz, I need to talk to you for a second."

I frowned as I followed her to the porch, passing the waffles with sadness. When we stepped out, Elle turned with her arms crossed. She gave me the same look I would give Milo or Lil when I was about to scold them, but I had no idea what I had done. Usually I knew what I was getting in trouble for. Is it Brian? Does she know he's here?

"Secret Garden," she uttered, her arms falling to her side, changing her entire demeanor.

Secret Garden was what we told each other when we needed one another without any distractions. We had watched the movie and read the book one summer, planning our own Secret Garden and what it would hold. We decided then that any time we said those words, we would drop everything and be there for the other.

"When do you need me?" I asked, knowing Elle liked to plan things out. She wouldn't skip chores for anything.

"Tonight. Addie will watch Milo with Lil."

"Okay." My hand squeezed her arm, feeling like shit for not noticing her sadness. I was too consumed with my own to see anything else. It was biting me in the ass now. I missed Milo's, and now Elle's. I need to get my shit together. "I'll meet you there."

She nodded, leading us back inside to find the kids had made our plates for us. We all sat and ate together, smiling at our children as if we were two well-put-together mothers. Secretly — or maybe not so secretly — we were both breaking.

"Do you think Lil Peep is going to call anyone out today?" Mason asked, leaning against the orange door of the Camaro I was working on.

The whole garage had heard about Lil's outburst at school. They had their own two cents to put in…unwanted and unwarranted two cents.

"I hope that no one gives her a reason to. But I wouldn't be upset if someone did."

"You're an interesting mom, LB."

Mason had a way of coming up with nicknames that you really had to think about to solve. Although, once you did, they were really stupid. Take LB, for example. You would think they were my initials, but clearly they weren't. No, Mason spelled Elizabeth and plucked two letters out of it. That was it.

"How so?" I arched a brow, staring up at him from my leaning position over the engine.

"You don't get onto your kids for fighting. I am sure you would even let your daughter go to an unsupervised high school party." Mason shrugged, tapping on a part of the engine I already checked.

"Get back to work, Mason, and stop bothering Liz," Brian cut in with a throaty chuckle that turned my stomach with nerves. The good kind of nerves. The ones you get when you are excited but are unsure of what is going to happen.

Brian may call me Lizzie, but when he referred to me to other people, he would call me Liz. It was almost as if he were reserving the nickname for himself and only himself. Honestly, he was the only person who could get away with calling me that. I think I would throat punch anyone else who tried.

"I'm not bothering her at all. Matter of fact, she likes it," Mason quipped as he walked towards his car.

"I worry about the women you're with if you can't even tell when one doesn't want to talk to you!" Brian yelled after him, hands cupped around his mouth to project his voice for the whole garage to hear. They all burst out in laughter at Mason's expense, but he only waved a hand at them all, not caring one iota.

"You didn't have to do that." I sighed, turning back to the Camaro.

"I know. I just like to."

Brian didn't say anything else, making his way back to his office. Today had felt awkward around him again, and I hated that the most. I needed him as my friend, but knowing he loved me in a romantic way made everything unnecessarily uncomfortable.

Another heavy breath escaped my lips as I tried to fight the feeling brewing inside me. I hated all of this. All I wanted was to go back, to not be riddled with guilt and lust all at once. I want to deal with my grief without Brian's confession. Now that I knew how he felt, I didn't know how to process my own emotions.

Things will get better, right? I mean, that's what my therapist says.

Thankfully, school went well for Lil, since apparently she built a reputation with that singular punch. If only it were that easy when I was younger. Either way, I was grateful. Feeling like I needed a distraction, I was the one to cook dinner today, making my famous pot roast. Famous to us, anyway.

Milo ate two servings, scarfing his food down so loud you could hear him across the long dining room table. My attention, however, was focused on my sweet sister, as I watched her eat quietly. She would smile at the kids and be present in the conversations, but I could see the pain in her eyes, now that I knew to look for it.

"We'll clean up, so you two can head out." Addie was the first to stand from the table, taking her plate and her mother's. "I love you, Mom."

Lil followed Addie's lead, grabbing my plate with hers and throwing me a wink. Milo served himself the rest of what was left in the pot, allowing Addie to take it with her as well.

I gestured with my head for Elle to meet me at the back door. "Come on." I grabbed her hand, leading the way to the barn.

I pulled the door open, shutting it hastily behind us. Elle ascended the ladder up to the loft, finding the right spot, and pushing through the hay to our hidden place. Long ago, we hid our Secret Garden behind stacks of hay, replacing them as needed. We took small things from the house that Mom wouldn't notice had gone missing. When we got the chance, we'd collect things from the side of the road and bring them back here.

The two of us had carved out a spot here, one where we wouldn't be interrupted. Somewhere we dared not leave when we heard our names called. We would always lie and tell Mom we had gone for a walk. Our property was quite large, what with how much land we had, so she never doubted us. Although, she would scold us for being gone so long when there was a lot to do.

Elle took her spot on the wicker bar chair we'd found on the side of the road. She curled with a cushion on her lap, hugging it as if it was a stuffed animal. Her fingers picked at the frayed edges, pulling random strings off. The ache in my chest was killer, as I stared at the strongest person I knew falling into herself.

"What happened?" I asked her, dragging the cushioned footstool over and sitting in front of her.

"He's marrying her." Her voice cracked as she confessed what had been gnawing at her.

"Lane?" I asked, making sure we were talking about her scumbag of an ex. She nodded her head, swallowing back the tears pooling in her eyes. "That son of a bitch. Did he send you an invite? What the hell? It's only been a few months."

I'll fucking pummel him.

"Makes you think, doesn't it?" She sighed, probably wondering how long Lane had really been cheating on her. "He didn't send me an invite. At least he isn't that big of a dick. He called me to ask me to speak with Addie. She refuses to attend the wedding, and he's hoping I can change her mind."

Pride filled me as I thought of my little niece speaking up for herself and standing up for her mother. Why would she want to attend the marriage of her father and the woman that broke her family? The pride was soon replaced with a raging fire as I thought of what he asked Elle to do.

"Are you serious?!" I exploded, "How dare he ask that of you? An invitation would have been less of a slap than asking you to convince your daughter to attend."

My fist clenched as I tried to hold in my rage, knowing Elle wouldn't appreciate it much. She'd always been the good Christian woman, the kind who would turn the other cheek. To her, that is the best way to live in peace, and for the most part, she had been. But then along came Mary Anne and her perky breasts, capturing Lane's attention while Elle was helping take care of me and the kids.

I still felt guilty for it, as if it was somehow my fault. Despite knowing there was no one to blame but Lane and Mary Anne, there would always be that part of me that wondered if he would have cheated had she been home instead of staying a while at my house to help me. I was sure Elle wondered the same, even if she wouldn't admit it.

"I just need you to hold me and tell me it will be okay." She stretched her arms out wide for me to enter. Immediately, I took my place, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her to my chest.

"I am so sorry, Elle. What can I do to help?"

"I really don't know," she cried, filling our Secret Garden with the sound of her heartbreak.

She had let me cry into her arms a couple weeks ago, and now I was providing the same comfort to her. The need for justice — for revenge, really — was consuming my whole being. Lane needed to suffer the way he made Elle suffer. It wasn't right that he got to move on happily while Elle was left in this sadness. It was meant to be…he and my sister…till death did them part.

"I've got you, Elle. Whatever you need, I am here."

Even if it's a little light murdering.