Eight

Liz

Trying to act brave for my kids was the hardest job I had yet to take on. Brian and Elle were the only ones keeping me from drowning all the way. Having Brian hold my hand through that night was the most unexpected but welcome thing to happen. I needed him without knowing it, yet somehow he did. He knew. It was as if my soul was calling to him, remembering all the days he kept me from falling.

Eighteen years later and he was still doing it, despite his own depression. Brian had dealt with more loss than I had, leaving me with the hope that maybe one day I'd be okay. He was standing tall despite his mother's death, despite Sam's death. Yet here I was, seven months after Lyle's demise, still a terrible mess.

When exactly does it start to get better?

After what happened a few days ago, I wasn't sure how to talk to Brian. He confessed something that broke a piece of me. A piece I had long since buried. He loved me then, but never had the chance to tell me. If I would have known, I could have—

"Mom?" Milo's little voice interrupted my thoughts as I pulled on Prince's reign.

"Yes, baby?" I looked up at him, seeing his once-excited eyes now concerned.

My sadness was showing.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm just fine." I smiled at him, patting his little leg that hardly reached the stirrup.

He'd been so excited to ride Prince. I had promised him we would do it today, and I certainly wasn't going to break that promise. He'd had enough disappointments in his life.

"It's okay not to be okay, right?"

His question caught me off guard, shaking my head so fast as I tried to process it.

Was I making him think it wasn't okay?

"Yes, Milo. It's fine not to be, as long as you're talking to someone about it. Are you okay, my baby boy?"

His eyes welled with tears as his head swiveled side to side. His curls dangled over his face with his head hung, causing my heart to shatter into a million micro-pieces. I pulled him off Prince, cradling him to my chest with his legs wrapped around my waist. His head rested in my bosom, crying his little eyes out.

When Lyle died, Milo had cried like any other kid would when dealing with his father's death, but after a couple of months, he stopped and started smiling again. I hadn't realized that at some point he had stepped into the deep end again.

"It's okay, baby. Momma's got you," I whispered, holding him tight as I rubbed his back.

"Mrs. Dean as-asked us to go home and ask our d-d-dads if they would come next Friday to help build…our stand for the fall carnival. We're meant to ask our mo-moms to come and help-p-p us make our candied apples the day b-be-before the carnival." His little voice was hard to understand as he spoke through his cries, sucking in breaths at random times. He was gasping for air, trying to regulate his breathing with the ache in his chest.

Fucking Mrs. Dean.

"Do you want me to come help you build it?"

He shook his head again. "No, they'll make fun of me."

I swear some kids really needed a talking to. How could anyone be mean to a kid that lost their father?

"I am so sorry, baby." I squeezed him tight, feeling utterly useless at the moment.

"Help him, sweets. He needs to smile again. Send Brian." Lyle's hand was rubbing Milo's back, resting his head on mine as he stared at our boy.

"Do you want me to ask Brian to come help? You might not know this, but Brian is actually my closest friend. He grew up with Elle and I, and he's really handy with tools."

"Really?" he sniffled, calming his tears.

"Yeah. I am sure he wouldn't mind coming to help. What do you think? Would you like that?" Milo only nodded his head in response, trying to ease his breathing after his sobbing. "How about we put Prince back in his stable and go get ice cream with Lil?"

"Can we just lay on Lily's bed, eat popcorn, and watch The Rugrats Go Wild instead?"

Passing ice cream for his cheer-up movie demonstrated just how sad he had been, and I hadn't noticed.

Anytime Milo was sad, Lyle would build him a fort in the living room, proceeding to fill it with snacks, such as popcorn, soda, and Milo's favorite…Twizzlers. They would then call us all into the living room and we would watch The Rugrats Go Wild.

"Of course. Why don't you go tell Lil while I put Prince up?"

Milo tucked his chin to his chest as I set him down, using his wrists to wipe at his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he ran inside, leaving me with a terrible pain in my chest. How am I supposed to help him with his sadness when I can't even help myself? Things were falling through the cracks that shouldn't be, leaving me feeling like the worst mother in the world.

"I wish things were different." I whispered to the universe, cursing at it for changing our lives this way.

"I know, sweets. But you're doing a good job." Lyle was at my side as I placed Prince in his stable, throwing some fresh hay in for him.

"You're only saying that because you're a figment of my imagination."

"Doesn't mean I am wrong."

For the first time since he died, I didn't want to see this conjured version of him. It only hurt me more, only made me miss him a million times more. "Go away," I whispered as I shooed away his ghost.

"Ouch." His hands clutched his shirt over his chest, acting as if I had shot him in the heart. "You know where to find me when you need me. I love you, Elizabeth. Forever and always."

"Forever and always," I repeated, feeling ready to break again.

"I hope you had a good day," I kissed Milo's forehead, seeing the joy back in his eyes.

I had let Milo hang with Lil a little longer this afternoon while I built a fort in the living room, taking a page out of Lyle's book. Thankfully, Twizzlers were Elle's favorite, too, so there were plenty in the pantry, along with popcorn. I called us all into the living room to enjoy the movie together afterwards. You would have thought it was Christmas with the way Milo's face lit up. He seemed to enjoy having Elle and Addie as a bonus addition to our fort. He had lost his dad, but he had his aunt and his cousin to help ease the emptiness.

It was part of the reason why I had been dragging my feet about buying our own place. I wasn't ready to move, to lose having Elle or make the kids lose having their cousin. They'd lost enough, but I knew we couldn't stay here forever. Although my therapist thought maybe sticking around Elle for a while longer wouldn't be such a terrible idea.

"I did." He nodded with a small smile. "Thank you for today. Goodnight, Mom."

"Anytime, baby. Goodnight." I tucked him like a burrito — or so he would call it — and stepped out, leaving his door cracked for him, as always.

I made my way to Lil's room next, laying on her bed beside her as she read. She closed her book, looking at me before scooting down to lay herself. She turned on her side, wrapping her skinny fingers around my palm between us.

"I miss him, too," she admitted, squeezing me with her fingers. "It's hard trying to be strong."

"Don't be, Lil. You're still a kid, even if you don't want to believe it. You don't have to be strong. That's my job."

"No, it's not." Her round eyes held mine, turning pink as they filled with tears. "You don't have to be strong for me, Mom. You're human, too. I know how much Dad meant to you."

I couldn't speak as I stared into my daughter's eyes, seeing just how grown up she was. We cried together, holding hands and resting our foreheads against each other. Lil was the best daughter in the world, a true blessing in my life.

"Thank you, baby girl. I'm so lucky to have you as my daughter." I kissed her forehead half an hour later, wiping at her tears. "Are you going to be okay tomorrow?"

I bit the bullet and had a meeting with Coach Neal. I needed to be an adult and not let Lil bear the brunt of my outburst. She hadn't done anything, and it'd be unwise to let Coach Neal stew and have something over me to use against my daughter. I hated every minute of it and every apology I had to speak, but I got my girl in his good graces and we called it a day.

It was the hardest pill to swallow.

"Yeah, I can't miss more school. I'm already going to be so behind from my suspension."

"Okay, but if you change your mind, you only have to say the word. I love you, Lil."

"I love you too, Mom."

"Go to sleep."

She nodded, closing her eyes as she held my hand. I couldn't help but watch her, seeing how much she had grown. She wasn't this sweet little three-year-old who would crawl into our bed in the middle of the night when she was frightened. Lil had grown so fast. All I had to do was blink and we got here.

When her breathing evened, I knew she had fallen asleep, allowing me to leave her room with ease. I wanted to speak with Elle, but when I crept into her room, I found her sleeping with Addie. They were feeling our turmoil in their own way, leaving Elle to want her daughter close. I watched them for a moment before sneaking back out, easing the pain in my chest a little.

With nothing else to do, I made my way to my room. I knew I couldn't be alone right now, and conjuring Lyle would only make it worse. Going back to Lil's would wake her, since she was such a light sleeper. And sadly, Milo's bed wasn't big enough for me to sneak into with him. I bit my lip, wondering if it was really okay to text Brian, but doing it anyway.

Liz:

Are you asleep?

I bit my nail as I waited for Brian's response, hoping with everything in me that he was awake. The days at the garage were silent without him around, holing up in his office. I was too scared to face him, keeping to my station as if I were chained to it. I hated to admit it, but I was being a coward.

Brian

Wide awake. What's up?

Unable to contain myself, I committed a terrible sin — calling him without warning. He answered on the second ring, hearing the familiar sound of Red Hot Chili Peppers' Otherside in the background. His voice soothed me the moment it entered my ear.

"You rang?"

"I sure did! Can I ask you for a couple of favors?" I was nervous as I spoke, feeling like shit for asking something of him after avoiding him.

"Anything! What do you need?" He didn't hesitate, despite my absence these past few days.

He's too kind. Always has been.

"Can you come over tonight?" I chewed on my lower lip as I waited for his response, feeling my stomach swirl.

"I'm on my way. What's the other favor?"

"I'll ask when you get here."

I wanted to see his reaction in person when I asked him to help Milo. If there was any hesitation, I wanted to see it. I didn't want to make him feel like he had to do this. It wasn't his job to take care of us, not when he'd been missing from our lives for so long. Besides, he didn't owe me or the kids anything.

"Be there soon. Are you going to make me climb through the window again, or can I be a grownup and enter through the front door?"

I laughed, genuinely smiling again. A smile only he could bring me. "I like you climbing through the window, but I guess I can open the door."

"The window it is! See you in five."

He hung up before I could say anything, feeling my heart flutter for the first time since Lyle left me. Staring at the clouded midnight-blue sky through my window, I wondered if he would really come through it just because I said I liked it.

The thought of him being here soon had me feeling extremely self conscious…brushing my teeth so my breath didn't smell, changing into a matching set of pajamas for once, even brushing my hair, staring at myself in the mirror afterwards.

What the hell is going on with me?

The knock on my window made me jump. He really did it. I ran to it, opening it wide to see his smiling face.

"You summoned me?" He climbed through, standing tall in front of me wearing a blue and white plaid shirt and dark blue jeans.

"I really didn't think you were going to climb in here like that again." My lips stretched to reveal my teeth in a large smile, feeling better with him near.

"You said you liked it better, so why wouldn't I?" He closed the window as he spoke, saying it so plainly, as if it should be obvious to me. When he turned back to face me, I lunged at him, hugging him tight.

"Thank you, Bry."

"Always, Lizzie."

"No, really. Thank you." I pulled back, staring deep into those slate-colored eyes. "You don't know how much you're helping me. I am sorry I've been acting so weird these past couple of days."

"No need to be sorry. I am happy to be here. Really. I can't blame you when I was the one who dropped a bomb on you."

I nodded, a moment of silence falling between us as we stared into each other's eyes. He leaned in, causing my heart to skip a beat…freaking the hell out. Did I want him to kiss me? Could I handle it?

Thankfully, I didn't have to find out, as his forehead met mine. Exhaling again, I relaxed into him, oddly feeling disappointed that he didn't try to kiss me. Maybe?

"Now, what's this favor?" He pulled back, taking me by the hand and leading me to my bed. He sat us both down, staring at me again, piercing deep into my soul.

"Oh. Um. It's kind of a big ask, but it's for Milo." I watched him carefully for any signs of hesitation.

"I'll do it," he stated plainly, not even batting an eye.

"I haven't even told you what it is."

"Doesn't matter. It's for Milo."

The answer filled my heart, easing all the pain I had felt today. He was like this patch sewn over the hole in my heart, stopping the ache from oozing out. I was so damn grateful for him, for the fact that despite everything he went through, he was still my Brian. I hugged him again, holding the back of his neck so tightly, I was pushing his throat into my shoulder. .

"Thank you, Brian." I cried, but not because of my dead husband. No, this time I cried for the years I missed with my friend. I had missed him so much.

"I've got you, Lizzie." He rubbed my back as he let me embrace him.

"I'm sorry. I keep crying on you." The tears were easy to stop this time, wiping them with the sleeve of my fuzzy pajama shirt.

"It's what I'm here for."

"You're here for more than that."

"I am?" He arched his brow, turning those piercing eyes on me with curiosity.

His confession a few days ago made my world tilt on its axis. I had loved Brian since third grade when he pushed Billy Jones at recess for picking on me. I had assumed by tenth grade that he just didn't like me that way and gave up on him. The very next school year Lyle and I were together.

To know that he loved me all this time had my head spinning, leaving me speechless. I could tell Brian was waiting for me to say something, but nothing would come out. I was unsure how to word what I needed to say, leaving me silent until he went to get up. With a shake of my head, I clutched the sleeve of his plaid shirt.

"Don't," I whispered, "Just give me a second."

He sat patiently as I worked through it all, picturing what life would have been like if he would have had the chance to confess to me that day. Deciding not to dwell on that, I met those piercing eyes of his again, the ones that always looked at me with such care.

"You told me that you loved me and I got weird on you. But it probably isn't for the reason you're thinking." I let him go, now staring at the chipped black nail polish on my index finger, resting it on my lap. "I loved you, too, Bry. I just thought you weren't interested in me like that, so I never said anything. I didn't want to make things awkward between us."

He sat silently, coursing me with fear, compelling me to look up at him again. He was processing what I had just said, only — unlike me — it didn't take him days to do so.

"I won't make the same mistake again. Lizzie. I still love you. It's why I couldn't be around you and Lyle. It hurt so damn much to see you together. You have always been in my heart and in my mind. Sam helped me forget for a while, but when she was gone, I missed you even more, so much it was killing me."

"Bry," I whispered, unable to handle this confession as it tore at my already-bleeding heart.

I longed for him, but it felt wrong. It twisted my stomach, as I was still trying to overcome Lyle's death. It felt as if I would be betraying him if I moved on so fast, not even a year later. Not to mention the kids.

What would they think of me? How would they handle Brian? Would they hate him…me?

"Don't say anything, Lizzie. I know you're still processing your grief. I just need you to know that I am here when you're ready. If you want me, anyway." I nodded my head, swallowing the emotions that lodged themselves in my throat. "How about we put you to sleep?"

Again, I only nodded, laying back on my bed. Unlike last time, I was so conscious of where he was, of how he looked at me. It pulled at the love teenage me felt, stirring emotions I didn't want to have right now. Not only that, it pulled at the unsatisfied hunger I had been trying to hide, desperately craving physical touch.

Brian grabbed my hand, but I turned around, unable to look at him any longer. Instead, I ended up pulling his hand with me so that his arm was wrapped over my torso. I held his hand to my chest, kissing his knuckles sweetly. He didn't scoot forward as I had hoped, so I moved towards him, wanting to feel him against my back, to be cuddled with.

Maybe that was misleading, but I didn't know what I wanted. All I knew was that, at that moment, I wanted him to hold me. Brian caught my drift, nestling in behind me and keeping me close. The feel of his warm body against my back brought me a comfort that lulled me into a restful sleep.