Twenty
Brian
For the first time in years, I was happy to be at the carnival, and only because I had her by my side. The last time I came with Lizzie was senior year when she brought Lyle along, leaving me to miss the days it was just the two of us. It used to be our thing, just the two of us sitting with our bags of popcorn. We'd throw kernels at people we found annoying and point to one another when they turned our way — if they even noticed.
She wasn't ready for a relationship, and I was going to respect that with everything I had, but now that she was by my side, the urge to hold her hand was more than I could bear. Instead, I let it brush against hers, swinging in the opposite direction of her arm. She had caught on, extending her pinky out to touch my skin further. We did this for a whole hour — stolen glances, grazed skin, moving by each other in ways that made me hungrier…needier.
Soon it would be just us at the auto shop's booth, and maybe then I could have a stolen kiss. All I needed was for her to say yes, despite the risk. Maybe that was stupid of me, and more than likely selfish, but I couldn't get the thought out of my head. For years, I dreamt about kissing her at the carnival at night, beneath the glow of the paper lanterns, and for the first time I might actually have the chance to do so.
This time with her felt like heaven — pure absolute bliss. I had to remind myself that she was still processing her grief, working through everything. I might be helping, but that didn't matter. She still needed more time. Knowing what that pain was like, I would give her all the time in the world. However, that didn't mean I didn't want her, or that I didn't need to feel her close at all times. She was becoming an all-consuming addiction, one I could never recover from.
"It's my turn at the booth," Lil sighed, stepping out of the long line to the ferris wheel and leading us to the high school's kissing booth.
The booth was decorated in painted red lips against a light pink background and bordered with twinkling lights that now stood out as the sun set in the distance and the carnival came to a glow. The enticing aroma of fried meat felt stronger here, as there was a food truck a few feet away, wafting the air with its delicious scent. If the line weren't already so long at the kissing booth, I would have gotten us all something to eat while we guarded.
Seeing the already-formed line as we arrived, I pinched my lower lip between my thumb and forefinger, letting out a loud whistle that pierced the air. It was my signal to Frank, who promised he'd get his old pals to help. As they heard the whistle, large men in leather vests appeared with their arms crossed and faces so intimidating it caused people to take a step back. They slowly approached the line, grabbing a teen each and hauling them away without a word. Those poor boys looked so scared.
"What was that?!" Lizzie asked, looking bewildered by the now-empty line as Lil took her spot behind the booth counter.
"Biker gang connections." I shrugged as if it were no big deal, but I knew it was. To have these men be willing to do a task so beneath them only showed how much they respected Frank.
Lizzie laughed, filling the air with her beautiful sound. "You seem to be well connected."
She alluded to the favor I used to get her out of jail not that long ago. I didn't need to tell her that the favor came from Jaysen's dad for helping keep his son out of trouble. I hadn't told her Jaysen's dad was the current captain of Willowbrook PD. She'd start acting weird around the kid, and he hated that the most.
"Why do you seem so surprised, Lizzie? I'm better than I used to be." I winked at her as we took our spots in front of the kissing booth, shooing boys away.
"Hard to be better when you were already perfect."
That one pierced my heart.
"You think I was perfect?"
"How could I not?" She cocked her head to the side, appearing surprised by my question.
It was almost as if she thought that was something I knew, which was far from the truth. I'd always thought of myself as a screw-up, messing everything up. To hear that she thought I was perfect even back then felt like too much, like some big cosmic revelation that was now ripping me to shreds.
"Simple. I wasn't."
She shook her head in disagreement, but left it at that. I knew I was far from perfect all those years ago. My mind raced to my most shameful moment — our senior year…our last carnival.
19 years ago
**Song Suggestion: "The Drug In Me Is Reimagined" by Falling in reverse. **
"We'll be right back. Lyle wants to ride the ferris wheel, and I know how you get with heights. We'll meet back up with you by the candy apples in about twenty minutes, okay?" Lizzie asked me with a big smile, clearly too excited to notice my misery.
I faked a smile and nodded my head. "Sure thing. But do me a favor and remind the big lug he can't shake the cart. He would be the one!"
She laughed as she walked away waving. "Don't worry! I've got him tamed."
My heart had shattered, and not a single of its billions of pieces had even begun to mend. There was no fixing this heartache, not when it stared me in the face every day. They were together and they were so damn happy. Every time they hugged, kissed, cuddled — showed any affection really — it turned my stomach. A few times I had physically gagged, playing it off as a fake one with a smile.
My eyes scanned the area, looking for a way to pass the time. I was stupid when I agreed to come with them, but when she invited me, she didn't mention Lyle. I should have figured he'd be there too. He was my friend, but I had this secret hate for him now. He stole her.
But is it really stealing when I never had her? Never told her how I truly feel?
It was too late now. In the distance, I spotted Danielle all alone, which was a rare occurrence. Alone, she looked hollow…depleted and completely empty. It was as if her sole existence was dependent on social interaction and the approval of others. Without either, she would wither and die. She was a miserable girl, full of vapid rumors and cruel intentions, but as I looked at her, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe she felt the same pain I did. Lyle did break up with her for Lizzie, after all. Maybe she was breaking just like me. I could even go as far as to say she was broken. What am I saying? I know she's broken.
Stupidly, I pushed through the now-thick crowd as I made my way towards her. She called to me like a poison I needed to consume. She wouldn't make me better, but she could stay messed up with me.
Her bleach-blonde hair was down for once, not tied in its tight cheerleader ponytail, cascading just below her shoulders. Her clothes were simple, making her appear almost normal…almost touchable.
When I reached her, I knew she wouldn't want to be seen with me, so I grabbed her wrist without a word and took her behind the only building here — the bathrooms she had been standing nearby. More than likely she was waiting for her friends, too.
She didn't say anything, didn't yell or pull her hand away. Her curiosity was getting the better of her as she followed me into the dark, into the shadows. When I pinned her against the gray bricks by her shoulders, her eyes widened in shock and possible fear.
"Hurt with me?" I asked her, as if she could follow my deranged thoughts. She furrowed her brow, but before she could say anything — before she could remind me how truly ugly she was inside — I kissed her. She tasted like nicotine and the spearmint gum she tried to hide it with.
Surprisingly, she didn't scream, didn't push me away or yell ‘rapist'. Maybe it was because, despite not liking one another, we knew each other. Hard not to when we were stuck together every day after school for a year. Stupid ass tutoring. It was because of it that Lyle even got to know Lizzie while I suffered with Danielle.
Danielle Fox was broken, and she knew what I meant. Her fingers dug deep into my skin as she held onto my arms. Her tongue met mine with surprising need, desperate, like me, to feel something other than pain…than misery. Her hands let go of my arms to push my chest lightly. Those blue eyes narrowed on me, probably trying to figure out what I was up to. What this was.
"This doesn't mean anything, freak. And if you tell anyone, I'll deny it and say it's you playing out some sick fantasy. You got that?" she threatened, always trying to protect her status quo.
A dry laugh escaped me, "Ha! Like I would want anyone to know about this." I shook my head, causing the dangling black cross on my ear to hit my cheek.
There was no more talking after that, just her lips against mine and my hands finding their way around her body. Her hand found my dick and before I knew it, I was losing my virginity in the darkness of the night behind the carnival bathrooms to Danielle Fox…a quick, ugly, and sick fuck.
"Not a word!" she spewed, as she pulled her panties up and her skirt back down.
"Like I'd ever."
My hopes of feeling anything more than shattered came crumbling down when I stepped out a few minutes after her, seeing Lizzie with two candied apples in her hand as she searched the crowd. Lyle's large figure was easy to spot, his head sitting above everyone else's. It made it easy for him to find me and point me out as I emerged from the darkness…from my shame. A shame that was now eating at my stomach as Lizzie smiled at me.
In her hand was my favorite candied apple — caramel with drizzled peanut butter and chocolate chips. It was for me, and she'd been searching for me for a few minutes now, probably tired of waiting on me by the stand. My stomach flipped as guilt consumed me wholeheartedly.
"There you are." She handed me the apple, but I couldn't take it, shaking my hands in front of me.
"Sorry. I don't feel so good."
"Sour stomach?" Lyle asked as he noted the bathrooms.
"Something like that."
"Oh, no. Do you need to go home?" Lizzie asked, her face full of concern.
You'd hate me if you knew what I just did.
"Yeah. It would probably be smart. I'll see you tomorrow." I waved at them as I walked away, but I was quickly stopped. Lyle's hand was wrapped around my arm, and for a moment, I thought he knew what I had done.
"Hold on," he said, letting me go and grabbing the apples from Lizzie. "Okay, proper goodbye, now."
Why is he so kind?
Lizzie smiled at him as if he were her hero. She then turned to me, giving me the biggest hug, as her arms wrapped around my neck. Her bangs tickled my neck as she tucked her head in for a moment. Then she pulled away, leaving me feeling like the piece of shit I was.
"I'll see you tomorrow!"
I couldn't get out of there fast enough, feeling like I really would hurl. Maybe even pass out. I was panicking — mind racing, heart missing, lungs aching. When I made it around the wrought-iron gate, I was ready to run. Only, in mid panic, I wasn't looking where I was going, and I ran right into a large, leather-vested man. His muscles were as thick as my head was long. Those dark eyes landed on me with fury for just a second before vanishing, probably noting the state I was in.
"Whoa there, little buddy. You alright?" he asked, his head reflecting the low glow of the parking lot lights.
"Can't. Breathe," slipped out in a winded tone, barely audible.
"Raise them." He pointed to my arms as he raised his own. "Follow my lead."
He placed his hands behind his head and had me breath slowly, in through my nose and out through my mouth. He stood there with me, coaching me for longer than any stranger should. Eventually, my breathing eased and my panic died down.
"There you go."
"Where did you learn that?" I asked him, knowing I'd be doing that any time I panicked.
"A military buddy of mine."
Military. That's one way to feel. One way to get away from the two of them.
"Nice. Um, thanks for your help, uh…"
"Frank." He smirked, giving me his name as I trailed off. "No problem, kid. But now you owe me one, and I always collect."
Present
"Here comes another one." Lizzie's words snapped me out of the memory, reminding me of what I was here for.
"Wait, Mom, not him," Lily whisper-shouted from the booth, surprising us all as Jacob Nguyen's son came sauntering up the path.
He had a long, white shirt on with a couple of metal cuffs in each ear and a thick leather cuff around his wrist. His jeans were baggy and sported a chain or two along the side, poking out more as his hands were dug deep in his pockets. His sleek, straight, yet oddly airy black hair picked up in the gentle breeze of the night, dancing just above his ears. The guy looked like one of those k-pop stars, if they went through a rebellious stage.
Lizzie and I stared at one another, probably wondering the same thing. Does Lily have a crush? We eyed the boy curiously and cautiously as he made his way up to the booth. They spoke and spoke and spoke until eventually he left. No kiss, not even on the cheek. Good.
Lizzie cleared her throat at her daughter with an arched brow. "We are so talking about that later. Are you holding out on me?"
"She definitely is!" Addie added to the teasing, making us all laugh as Lily turned a light shade of pink.
"Leave me alone!" she complained, folding over on the counter and pretending to be dead.
The hour passed with lots of dirty looks from the boys and a scolding from a school representative about how we were impeding the school's ability to raise funds. I told them we'd donate five hundred dollars just to shut them up and leave us alone. Lizzie poked my side hard for that, calling me a sellout for paying them money. I laughed, shrugging at her without a care. It didn't matter to me if I was, as long as Lily was safe.
"Okay. Milo, you stick with Elle while I take my shift. I'm giving her the money I owe you." Lizzie got to business when the hour was finally up and Lily was set free. "Lily and Addie, make sure to keep in touch as you explore and have fun. Don't leave the carnival."
Everyone nodded with their orders in hand and left, leaving Lizzie and I alone. Well, as alone as we could be in a crowd. I wanted to hold her hand, but there was too high of a chance that we'd run into someone we knew here, so I held off, only letting it brush against hers as we walked. I could see she was holding back too, as she would steal glances my way, staring right at my lips with need.
"An hour here, and then we're enjoying the carnival like old times."
"Sounds good. I'm ready to eat whatever the hell I'm smelling." She sniffed the air, catching the scent of the smoked ribs everyone was making for the carnival. Most people in the competition got here earlier in the day to set up, but I realized Elle wasn't among them.
"I told you, you love food the most."
She lightly shoved me, acting annoyed with a "shut up," as she fought the smirk tugging at her lips.
"Do you know why Elle isn't doing the smoked ribs competition this year? She normally wins."
"She said something about actually wanting to enjoy the festival now that we were back. I guess smoking ribs the entire time wasn't her idea of fun, even if she was good at it." She shrugged, answering me just as we made it to the horribly painted booth.
We're not artists, that's for sure.
"Is it my turn to go have fun?" Mason asked as he got out of the lawn chair he brought to sit on so he could better enjoy people making a fool of themselves…or so he said.
"What are you going to do?" Lizzie asked him as she took his spot in the chair.
"I hear there's a kissing booth."
"No!" Lizzie and I immediately yell.
"It's run by high school kids. Minors, dude." I patted Mason on the shoulder as I shook my head. "Go find something else."
"That's depressing. Fine. I'll go find me a pretty blonde. Maybe a hot mama." Mason wiggled his eyebrows as he left us in search of his next conquest.
"He's certainly comfortable with himself."
"Oh, you have no idea." I shook my head as our first customer came up. He grabbed the tire, struggling to even lift it properly, let alone throw it far. He complained as he left with his ego deflated. Lizzie and I laughed once he was out of earshot, and things continued like that. It felt like old times, the way we snickered at others, people-watched, and snacked on the popcorn I got for us during our shift.
We were watching one of Frank's people when a random kernel hit the side of my face, causing me to turn and find a playfully smirking Lizzie. I took the challenge, throwing one back at her. It progressed to her trying to throw one in my mouth. We yelled excitedly when we managed to get one in, both raising our fists in the air triumphantly.
We were having fun, truly having fun out in public, and no one was questioning it. It felt like a dream to have her here with me again. A dream I really hoped I would never wake from, one I hoped would never turn into a nightmare.
Lizzie pushed my buttons, trying to tickle me. I grabbed her wrists, holding them above her in the air. Our faces were closer than they probably should have been, causing a heated moment of tension to pass between us as we hovered there. Her eyes met mine, calling on me to kiss her, but a familiar shout stopped me.
"You treacherous bitch! He hasn't even been gone a year and you're already moving on. This is what you killed him for!" Mrs. Foster's accusatory tone broke any hope of happiness.