Nineteen

Liz

"Idon't know what to do, Bry. He looked so sad." I sighed as I slipped his army t-shirt over my head and slipped into bed beside him.

"I was worried about that when I went to see him at school. I am sorry I didn't say anything sooner. I don't get how these kids don't like him. If we could just figure out why, we might be able to fix it." His arms held me tight as I nestled into his chest. He was staring up in thought, clearly bothered by Milo's situation.

"I wish you would have told me, but it's not your job. I should have known. I shouldn't depend on you to tell me. I just don't know how we're going to figure this out. How do we get into the minds of these little heathens?"

"I have no idea, but we'll figure it out. Or maybe he will. He's a smart kid, Lizzie. We just need to teach him to spot the leader."

The leader.

"I haven't heard that in a while." I laughed, remembering how Brian compared the popular kids in high school to a cult. Every cult had its leader, and so did the popular kids. Spot the leader, take them down, earn your place. Brian had a knack for picking them out of a crowd instantly.

"Was I ever wrong?"

"Nope."

"See! So, let me teach him. I will train him like Mr. Miagi."

"Yes, please, oh mighty wise one." I laughed as I stared up at him, seeing him grin from ear to ear. "But no wax on, wax off. He needs straight-to-the-point training."

He leaned down, kissing my nose lightly. "I've got him. He's mine, too."

"Oh really? Yours?"

"That's right. Mine. Your children are mine now, too, Lizzie. I already told you…I'm not afraid to be a family man." He grinned real wide as if he dared me to protest. This man is so swoon-worthy. My heart felt ready to burst with the pure love I felt for him at this moment. It filled me with absolute joy to know that my children were just as important to him.

"Oh really? So then you're going to help me chase away all these boys from Lil tomorrow?" I asked him as I slowly walked my fingers up his arm, having already told him what Lil revealed to me this afternoon about her part in the carnival.

"Of course. That booth will be a ghost town. No soul will dare step in line." His fingers gently traced my hairline, tucking my hair behind my ear sweetly.

His eyes held mine as we enjoyed each other's presence. Taking advantage of my mouth not moving, he leaned in, gently kissing me. His lips were light as a feather, tickling and teasing, leaving a tingle in their place.

"I didn't miss him today. For a moment, I didn't miss Lyle," I randomly blurted, needing to talk about it. The only person I really wanted to talk to about it was him. Well, him and Elle. "But then that bubble burst when the kids told me their news. I could just picture him there beside me, listening to their problems."

Elle and I had already discussed this after dinner, during which she urged me to just make things official with Brian. She thought he was the reason I was feeling happier lately. I was starting to think the same. The amount of teasing she did when I told her Brian and I had slept together was so unlike her. I would have loved it, had it not been at my expense.

"How do you feel about that?" he asked, flickering his eyes between mine with concern.

"Are you my shrink now?" I teased him with a small smile. "I really don't know. Like I'm happy that finally — for a moment — I got to breathe, to be happy and not broken. But then I feel really guilty for feeling that way. Like I should miss him every second of the day for all eternity and nothing less. I felt that more when the kids were sharing everything with me."

"I get that." His forefinger and his thumb pinched my chin, lifting it to meet his gaze again. "I felt that way after Sam, too. It took me a lot longer, but not because I loved her more or anything. I really think it's because I was alone, and all I had was time to miss her. You're able to start moving on faster, not because you don't love him, but because you're not alone in your grief. You have the kids, Elle, Addie, and of course, me. It's easier to heal with others around you."

I grew silent again, mulling over his words. He was right, but I hated to think of him going through these emotions all alone. I wished he would have reached out back then. He should have known that I would have gone to him. Lyle and I would have flown across the ocean for him. But I guess that was the problem…and now I knew.

He wouldn't have wanted Lyle and I. He would have wanted me. Just me. To Brian, Lyle and I in front of him — still so madly in love — probably would have broken his heart more.

"I'm sorry you went through that alone," I whispered, staring at his chest as I traced the L on his shirt.

"I'm just happy I can be here for you, Lizzie. Happy you're still letting me climb through your window. So damn overjoyed that you're letting me lay here with you, comfortable enough with me to talk about this kind of stuff." I could see his smile in my peripherals as I stayed focused on his shirt. "I love you Lizzie. Always have. Always will.

"Always have. Always will," I repeated, whispering the words as I liked the mantra. Our mantra.

"Now turn around so I can spoon you. Or if you want just my hand, I'll be happy with that, too."

I breathed out a little chuckle, turning and backing into him. Feeling the warmth of his body surrounding me at night had become my favorite thing. His strong arms chased away my sadness, my bad dreams, my doubts…all of it. He made me feel safe again — happy.

"So no sex then?" I questioned with a smile, grinding my ass against his pelvis.

"Not tonight, Lizzie. You need your rest for tomorrow. There will be a lot of people you're going to have to deal with, which means you can't be cranky." He kissed my neck, rubbing his nose along my skin. "Goodnight."

"No fun!" I pouted. "Goodnight."

He chuckled, pulling me even closer into his chest, if that was even possible. For once, I didn't dream of Lyle. I dreamt of the carnival, the kids, and the hopeful fun to come. Dreaming of the future. A dream not bogged down by my grief.

Maybe I really am healing.

"Is Brian meeting us there?" Elle asked me as we all headed out of the house to our respective cars.

"Yeah, he was helping get things going at the shop's booth."

"Aren't you helping?"

"Not till later." I shook my head, having forced Brian into letting me take a shift. I worked at the shop too, and sleeping with the boss shouldn't get me out of the duties his other employees had to do.

"What is it anyway?"

"Tire tossing." I shrugged, only having learned of this game yesterday. We would be set up at the back where there was some grass. Brian said they would be painting a target out there for people to try and land the tire on. As prizes, they were giving free oil change coupons.

"That checks. It never gets old." Elle stared ahead with a smile, as her eyes flickered with a memory I was not a part of.

"He's done this before?"

"Yeah. They do it every year." She flicked her hand as if it was nothing, just another small day-to-day thing. "It's really entertaining to watch, since Brian is sure to use the larger tires. Of course, he has smaller ones for the kids. Like little go kart tires or something. Not sure where he gets them, actually."

The reminder that Brian was so thoughtful and accommodating to children brought last night's thoughts to mind. His proclamation that my children were his own sent my heart aflutter. He was doing so much, not only for me, but also for Milo and Lil. That meant so much more than anything in this world. Not sure what else I expected, considering this was Brian we were talking about.

The boy, now a man, with the most caring heart.

"Good to know I'll have front row seats to that show."

"I'll take Milo with me, and the girls can hang out whenever you have to take your shift. I got you, seester!" she said with a smile, reminding me of the way we'd stupidly pronounce things to get on mom's nerves at times.

"Thank you."

With that, we all got into our cars, having Elle lead the way as I followed closely behind. The carnival was held just a little ways away, near the outskirts of town, on a large paved area they created specifically for this day, the tree farm on Christmas, the egg hunt on Easter, and the occasional wedding. Surrounding the paved area was once-vibrant grass that had transformed into this mix of golden shades, with a sprinkling of dried leaves adding their orange, red, and brown hues to the ground.

Cars lined the parking lot, the sides of the road and even the trails into the woods as everyone in town made their way here. This carnival was the equivalent of the Kentucky Derby to horse racing enthusiasts. It was the fall event, and there was no way anyone would miss it. Not if they were true Willowbrook residents.

"Shit," I muttered under my breath as I struggled to find a place to park this large truck. Right about now, I wished we still had my electric blue jeep, but with Lily not knowing how to drive, I could only take one car when we moved. There was no way I wasn't going to take Lyle's truck, so here we were, struggling to fit in a spot.

"I heard that. Pay!" Milo yelled from the backseat with an excited smile.

Oh, God, no.

"Nothing that involves me carrying you around!" I begged, punching the gas pedal as I raced to the parking spot that had just become available. I managed to zoom in, earning a ton of car horns along the way.

"It's a carnival, Mom. I want to play the games."

"So actual money this time?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I can do that."

We all hopped down, meeting Elle at the front entrance since she managed to find a spot a lot closer with her small VW yellow beetle. She had a fascination for a certain transforming robot.

Lil and Addie locked arms, entering the black iron archway with its Gothic lettering that read Willowbrook Festive Grounds. The girls kind of reminded me of Elle and I, only Lil was a year older than Addie versus the four year gap Elle and I had.

"I hope they stay close like this," Elle whispered to me, linking her arm with my own and filling my heart again.

I missed my sister. I missed these times.

"Me too."

Milo let my hand go as we entered, trying to show his independence by not being the ten-year-old holding his mom's hand.

"Where's Brian?" he asked, surprising me by the way he was scanning the area for him.

I hadn't realized that Milo was excited to see him, too. I smiled as I pointed in his direction, seeing him push against the crowd to get to us. My eyes had somehow automatically landed on him the moment I looked up from my child. It was almost as if I could sense him, feeling a magnetic pull to him.

"Brian!" Lil waved her hand above her head, trying to flag him down as if he hadn't already noticed us.

She was smiling, too. I dare say she was happy to see him. Maybe I was just imagining it to make myself feel better, but there could be a chance I was right. Maybe after the way he rushed to save her from that party, she learned to like Brian, too.

I need them to love him.

"Hey, guys! So happy to see you. Thanks for letting me tag along," he greeted them with a smile, side-hugging the girls and high-fiving Milo before making his way to me. For two seconds I worried he'd kiss me again, forgetting where we were and who was watching. He didn't.

Instead, he gave me a big hug from the front, squeezing me tight long enough for me to inhale his comforting scent. He unwound me, as I was already coiled as tight as a spring in a trampoline from the mass of people here. When he let me go, I wanted more, wanted to hold his hand, to kiss him. All things that were terrible ideas and didn't need to be done in front of the kids.

We were not ready for a relationship…or so I kept saying. My body sang for him, craved him, and drove me insane with thoughts of being more. My heart, however, reminded me of the pain it was still healing from — still bleeding from.

"Glad you could join us," I responded as he took his spot beside me, brushing his hand against mine in the most natural of ways.

He did what I used to do when we were younger, grazing our hands with each swing of our arms. Back then it was my way of holding his hand without doing so, without fear of rejection or ruining our friendship. Funny how now he was the one doing it for my sake. I squeezed onto Elle's arm with my other hand, using her as a means to hold myself back.

"Lil, at what time is your shift?" I asked her, needing a distraction.

"In an hour," she answered over her shoulder as she and Addie led the way to the ticket booth.

"Perfect. We'll play around until then, guard Lil for her shift, and then split. I'll take my shift, Milo will go have fun with Elle, and Lil and Addie can go do their thing."

Everyone nodded in agreement to my self-proclaimed plan, seeming pleased with the sequence of events. All I had to do now was remind myself not to hold Brian's hands or kiss his soft lips.

Oh, baby Jesus, help me.