Chapter 20

Arsen

I couldn’t stay awayfrom him.

Matthew had mentioned he tended to fixate on things, but while I accepted it, I didn’t quite understand. Until he started consuming my every waking thought.

Until it was me who was fixated on him.

And that was why I found myself sitting in the Elite natatorium parking lot just a few hours after I’d left.

Were cavemen also stalkers?

At least the sun was up now, even if it was slightly hidden behind the rain clouds moving in. I mean really, though, I’d woken up practically in the middle of the night and went to my dorm after dropping off Matthew, showered, changed, and managed to finish up an assignment I had due tomorrow. Even after doing all that, I still had a few hours to kill before my classes started for the day—because this DJ doesn’t take early-bird academics. This DJ keeps his a.m.’s open because of all the late-night parties required.

Naturally (not stalkerly), I came back over here. The less than thirty minutes I got with Matthew this morning just weren’t good enough. The protein bar and secondhand coffee were a poor excuse for taking care of what was mine.

I didn’t have to wait long for the double glass doors to swing open and a group of swimmers to step out. Straightening, I peered out the windshield, scanning the faces for the only one I cared about.

He wasn’t among the group, and I relaxed back into the seat. Seconds later, another cluster of guys stepped out, much more familiar than the first.

My hand dropped to the latch on the door, but I realized quickly he wasn’t with his friends. Frowning, I watched Ryan, Jamie, Wes, Lars, and Win smile and talk amongst themselves while heading toward a row of four-door Jeep Rubicons. Parked beside them were two identical blue Corvettes.

These dudes—excuse me, bros—were something else. It was like they traveled in a pack. The thought had me frowning, eyes shifting back to the doors. Where was Matthew? Did the coach really make him swim extra? Asshole.

I glanced back to the group, noting Kruger was missing, and figured he was still inside too.

Jamie caught me looking, and with his stare fixed on my windshield, his lips moved. Not even a second later, the others turned to stare.

I waved. What the hell else was I supposed to do?

Then I thought better of it and dropped my hand. I probably shouldn’t have come. Matthew wasn’t out to his friends or his team. Me repeatedly showing up would only make people ask questions. Questions he wasn’t ready to answer.

I reached to start the engine but stopped myself. They’d already seen me. Firing up the engine and driving off really would make me look like a stalker. I’d just have to be more thoughtful about this shit from now on.

Even as I told myself that, part of me fought against it. The idea I couldn’t put eyes and hands on him whenever I wanted ignited a battle within me against my head and my heart.

My heart would just have to be disgruntled. At least for a while anyway because not pressuring Matthew into anything was top priority. My heart now came second to his.

Knock, knock, knock.

My chin shot up at the sound of someone rapping against the body of my wagon. Elite stood just beyond my hood, staring.

I popped the door and got out, walking around to meet them. “What’s up?” I said.

“He’s swimming extra laps,” Ryan told me.

“You the reason he was late?” Jamie chimed in.

“You the one who put that hickey on his neck?” Win continued the line of questioning.

Inwardly, I winced. I was gonna have to be more careful of that too. Even as I scolded myself, I smirked at Win, completely proud of myself for staking that kind of claim.

“I think what they’re trying to say,” Lars started, “is that Prism will be out in a few minutes, so you can just wait for him here.”

“Thanks,” I told him.

“He expecting you?” Ryan asked, scrutinizing me.

“Probably won’t be a surprise,” I replied.

“After this morning, I guess not,” Jamie muttered.

My brows dipped. “What?”

“Nothing, bro.” He tried to brush me off.

Not. Happening.

I took a step forward, eyes glittering. “What happened this morning? Is Matthew okay?”

He pursed his lips, and I looked at Wes who had said nothing until this point, hoping he’d realize now was a good fucking time to speak. He didn’t get the memo and remained close-lipped, but his eyes never left me.

I swung back to Jamie, but Lars spoke up.

“He’s fine,” he said sincerely. “He’ll be out in just a few minutes.”

I released a breath, relaxing a little. “Okay, thanks.”

“Ryan.” The dark-haired swimmer introduced himself, thrusting his hand toward me. “Nice to meet you.”

“I know who you are,” I told him as I shook his hand. “I know who all of you are.”

“Perks of being Elite,” Jamie quipped.

“No.” I shook my head. “It’s because you’re important to him.”

Probably shouldn’t have said that either.But let’s be honest here. These bros were standing here assessing me like I’d come a calling to defile their little brother. According to the hickey on his neck, I already did. Point was these guys were not stupid. We all knew what was up.

“Team breakfast,” Ryan told me. “We have one every morning after practice. You should come.”

“It’s tradition,” Lars added, his Swedish accent bleeding through. This was the most I’d ever heard him talk. He was the quiet one of the bunch.

“Tradition, huh?” I mused, half smiling at his ultra-blond head.

Win’s larger frame stepped in front of him, one arm out like a blockade. “Stop looking at him,” he groused.

I laughed. Kinda nice to know I wasn’t the only caveman around here.

Across the lot, the doors opened, Rush and Landry stepping out. Their footsteps paused when they saw us all standing there. Rush stiffened, going on alert.

Yep. Total pack mentality.

“It’s all good,” Win called loud enough for them to hear.

Rush relaxed but took Landry’s hand on his way over to the group. “You coming to breakfast?” he asked, eyes intent on my face.

I felt some kind of way standing here with almost all of Matthew’s swim bros appraising me like a bunch of alphas. On one hand, I was glad he had so many people who clearly looked out for him. He was just too precious to be running around in the world without anyone caring about him. On the other, this pissed me off.

It was my job to look out for him. Mine. Not anyone else’s. And it seriously enraged my inner caveman that other people thought they had the right to challenge me over him.

Another thing? I didn’t answer to these fish. They thought they could scare me away? Bro, I grew up with a politician. Intimidation was served for breakfast at my house.

“Sure, I’ll come. As long as Matthew’s cool with it,” I said, keeping my voice even.

Why do none of them seem all that surprised to see me? And why was I automatically invited to breakfast?

Kruger pushed through the glass doors, and right on his heels was the object of my fixation.

No. I physically shook my head, denying the silent conversation I was having with myself. Matthew was not a fixation. He was so much more than that.

My heart walking around outside my chest. Seemed dramatic, but not something I seemed to be able to take back.

Seeing us, Kruger stopped abruptly, and Matthew ran right into his back. I heard him grunt on collision and Kruger speak low, and then his dark head snapped up, surprised eyes zeroing right in on me.

Yeah, I’d been giving myself shit for showing up like this and was even a little worried it might make Matthew uncomfortable, but damn, if it all didn’t disintegrate the second he smiled. It wasn’t even one of his big, beautiful smiles that lit up his entire face. Apparently, it didn’t have to be to light up my world. Just watching his lips curve up at the corners with a happy glow shining in his eyes was enough to tell me I’d made the right choice.

Yeah, let these bros dish out the third degree. Let them stare and attempt to run me off.

“Bring it on,” I heard myself tell them, my eyes still focused on the reason I was there. “The only way you’ll be rid of me is if he tells me to go.”

“Yeah, okay. He’ll fit in,” Jamie quipped.

Someone slapped me on the back. “Welcome to Elite, bro.”

Ryan, I thought but didn’t look his way.

“Arsen’s paying for breakfast,” Rush told everyone.

As they all walked away, Matthew stepped around Kruger and approached. He was still wearing my shirt, and frankly, it was the stuff wet dreams were made of.

“Arsen, what are you doing here?” he asked, stopping right in front of me.

Without thinking about it, I reached over to tug the duffle from his shoulder and hoist it onto mine. “Uh, yeah, I think I owe you an apology for this,” I said, sheepish. “I didn’t think about how it would look until after they came outside and saw me sitting here.”

“I told them I’m gay.”

Forgetting I was contrite, my eyes whipped up. “What?”

He nodded, tucking his hands deeper into the sleeves of the shirt. “Just a little while ago. I told the entire team.”

I pulled the bag off my shoulder and dropped it on the ground. Worry for how he was doing after something that seemed so big for him took over all thought. Annihilating the space between us, I curled my palms around his elbows. “Are you okay? What do you need?”

“Nothing now,” he said, dropping his chin so I had to look at the top of his head. “‘Cause you’re here.”

My hands tightened on his elbows as a stricken sound ripped out of me. “Can I hug you right now?”

“Yeah.”

Desperate to get my arms around him, I anchored one around his waist and used the other to press his head into my chest. Settling into my stance, I stretched to my fullest height, making sure every inch of me was used to tuck him in.

He didn’t wrap his arms around me, but the give in his body was undeniable, as was the small sound he let out while burrowing closer.

The scent of chlorine wafted beneath my nose, mingling with soap and my cologne. Home.

“How was it?” I asked, consumed with the way he made me feel. I worried then that he was late coming outside not because of extra laps but for another reason. Grabbing his arms, I pulled him back so I could study his face. “Were they nice to you? Did anyone give you a hard time?”

A sly grin graced his handsome face. “And what are you gonna do if they did?”

My brain recognized he was teasing, but the rest of me didn’t seem to get the memo. My vision condensed into narrow slits, adrenaline already beginning to pool in my limbs. “I got that asshole cop fired for touching you. What do you think I’d do to someone worse?”

His mouth fell agape. “You got him fired?”

“Didn’t see him the other morning when we went back, did you?” I asked, smug.

His eyes were wide saucers, disbelief swirling in their depths. “You didn’t,” he whispered.

“I warned him. He made the choice not to listen,” I said, shrugging one shoulder.

“H-how?”

“I’m waiting for an answer, princess.”

“So am I,” he smarted off, pulling out of my arms.

“No you don’t,” I mused, tucking him back into my chest. “It doesn’t matter the how. Just that I kept my word.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“You don’t have to ask me to take care of you. I want to.”

“Getting someone fired is not taking care of me.”

Well, I disagreed. So I said nothing.

“Bear.” The nickname came out part frustrated and part soft.

I laughed under my breath. “Don’t argue with yourself, baby. It’s okay to be comforted that I would go that far to protect you. And if it makes you feel any better, he just got transferred somewhere else. He didn’t get completely fired.” It was something I wasn’t too happy about, but having him out of Westbrook would have to do.

“Really?” Matthew asked, the relief in his voice palpable. I guess not fired was good enough after all.

“Mm,” I hummed. Nudging him gently, I reminded him about the real topic at hand. “Now tell me about this morning.”

“I’d been scared to tell them. To tell anyone. Acceptance hasn’t exactly been abundant in my life.”

His words were well-aimed arrows right into the deepest part of my heart. It hurt to know something that should be available to everyone wasn’t. Even worse, it evaded the man who deserved it most. How anyone could be anything but taken with him boggled my mind. How anyone could look at him and not instantly know he was good seemed completely absurd.

Even back when the only interaction I had was staring. Even when I didn’t see the softness beneath his masculine exterior, I was still affected by him. Hell, he drew my eyes again and again.

Kruger shifted from the sidewalk, not bothering to hide his stare. It was hard to be as pissed at any of Matthew’s friends when he confided things like this to me. I knew Kruger was worried. I could tell by the look on his face. I motioned with my chin, and he returned the gesture but stayed where he was.

Look at him, learning boundaries.

Hugging Matthew a little tighter, I said, “You deserve acceptance, baby. That’s the very least you deserve.”

His arms pushed around my waist. And there I go. Falling for him again.

“They clapped,” he confided. “I told them, and they clapped. Then we went back to swimming like nothing happened at all.”

“But something did happen,” I told him, wanting to acknowledge the giant leap he took. “You opened up and told your truth. I’m so proud of you, baby. You did so well.”

I understood then why all his friends approached me like they did this morning. The long, measured stares, the questions, even the breakfast invite.

“Hey,” I cajoled, pulling back enough so our eyes could meet. “You coming out this morning… is that because of what happened with us last night?”

His cheeks turned pink, and he couldn’t hold my stare.

“Matthew,” I called, stomach flipping. It was not lost on me just how big this was. How a man of few words could say so much without even speaking. “Look at me.”

Reluctant, his eyes met mine.

“I’m so proud of you,” I repeated, starting out with praise so he didn’t think he did something wrong. “You know I don’t expect this from you, right? You don’t have to tell anyone anything you aren’t ready for. You don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for.” I grimaced a little. “I know me showing up this morning probably makes it seem otherwise, but honestly, baby, I’ll go at your pace.”

I should have told him this last night. Made sure he understood. He surprised me, though, stepping so fast out of his comfort zone. Working so hard to make that room for me.

He pulled out of my arms and stepped back. I wanted to tug him back but then remembered what I’d just told him and that we were standing in a public parking lot. Yeah, he’d told me I could hug him, but holding him was different.

Between last night and this morning, he probably needed a breather. I couldn’t fault him for that.

I glanced over at Kruger, hoping he would get the hint that his friend needed him.

Matthew shifted, lifting his hand between us. I glanced down at the leather bracelet I’d given him lying across his palm. My heart sank.

My fingertips brushed his palm when I took it back. I expected him to pull away completely, but he didn’t. Instead, he pushed the sleeve up his arm and held it out.

“I had to take them off for swimming,” he said as I stared down at the other two bracelets I’d given him circling his wrist. “These two just slide right on, but this one fastens. It’s hard to do with one hand,” he said, sheepish.

I glanced from the leather up to his face. “You want me to put it on you?”

Hurt dimmed his chocolate eyes. “You can have it back if?—”

Before he could finish, I had the leather around his wrist and fastened together.

“I wanted to tell them,” he blurted.

After a quick twirl of the cuff, I lowered my hands. “Yeah?”

“It bothered me the other day at the house when you didn’t touch me because they were all there. It made me feel…” His voice fell away, and his chest expanded with a deep inhale.

Kruger was halfway across the lot to us, and I held up my hand, telling him to stop.

He made a rude noise, but I completely ignored him.

“How’d it make you feel, princess?”

His cheeks were back to being rosy, his eyes bashfully hidden by sweeping black lashes. He answered quietly, a mere whisper. “Like a secret.”

I frowned. “Like a secret?”

“Like maybe you were ashamed of me,” he rushed out.

The denial of that was so visceral that a growl ripped from my throat as my whole body jolted.

Prism flinched.

He fucking flinched.

Then he shrank back just a few inches, but it felt like fucking miles.

“I’m sorry!” he said quickly, voice high-pitched.

Kruger’s feet pounded over the pavement, but I remained focused on the man cracking in front of me.

“I know it’s not your fault.” He spoke fast, tripping over himself. “You were respecting me. Doing exactly what I basically asked you to do. We aren’t even dating. Hadn’t even slept together then.”

I reached for him. He wilted back.

“What the fuck did you say to him?” Kruger’s voice cut in.

“I shouldn’t have said that.” He fumbled, voice unsteady.

Kruger reached for him, but I knocked him out of the way and wrenched Matthew close. His body bumped against mine, and I cupped the back of his head, pressing my lips against his. He stiffened in surprise, eyes flying wide. I stared at him as my kiss held him hostage, feeling the rapid beating of his heart against mine and the light quivering of his limbs.

The mere suggestion that I might be ashamed of him or wanted to keep him a secret made me nauseous and ignited fury in me that frankly scared me.

But also, fuck that.

Slackening my lips, I rubbed them across his, gently cajoling while massaging my fingers into his scalp.

He whimpered, body melting, and I wrapped my arms around him, deepening the kiss. His lips parted instantly, and I wasted no time pushing inside and sweeping around, trying to wash those words right out of his mouth. His hands came up to fist in the front of my shirt, digits so tightly clasped the fabric would likely be wrinkled.

Groaning, I shifted, pressing my hips right up against him so he could feel how unashamed of him I was as I devoured him in the lot.

I didn’t care who saw. I only cared that he understood just how all in I was with him, how unapologetic my attraction for him was.

Nearby, Kruger cleared his throat. “There’s PDA, and then there’s whatever the fuck you two are doing.”

We kept kissing. The blood in my veins hummed, creating a rhythm I wanted to memorize and lay onto a track so I could replay this moment an infinite amount of times.

“Right. Well, I’m gonna head to Shirley’s. You two probably aren’t even hungry anymore.”

Against me, Matthew’s chest heaved, and I forced myself back so he could breathe.

His face was flushed, pupils blown, and his mouth was swollen. I caught his face, holding it tight between my palms. Heart thundering, I held his gaze, refusing to let him look away.

“I am not ashamed of you.” I spoke fiercely, my voice gravel from the way he made me feel. “I’m literally here because I can’t stay away. It’s not a secret that I want you. All of you. Today. Tomorrow. Next year. I’ll tell everyone. I’ll show everyone.”

“You just did, bro,” Kruger commented. “It was kinda graphic.”

We ignored him.

“I’m sorry,” Matthew whispered, hands reaching up to wrap around my wrists while I held his face.

“Why are you sorry, baby? You didn’t do anything wrong. You did so good telling me how you feel.”

He frowned. “It’s irrational. I know better, but sometimes my brain?—”

“Shh,” I shushed, pressing another short kiss against his mouth.

“I don’t like closets,” he said almost to himself.

Puzzled, I glanced at Kruger, but he was looking at Matthew, concerned.

“I put myself in the closet and then wondered why it stressed me out.” He went on.

“That’s deep, P. I’m surprised you got any brain cells left after Arsen vacuumed your face, but I’m impressed,” Kruger said.

I rolled my head in his direction. “Why are you still here?”

“Because I’m getting mixed signals, bro. Practically whiplash. Stay. Go. Look. Bleach my eyes. I haven’t even had breakfast,” he grumped.

“Ryan invited me,” I announced. “To breakfast.”

“He did?” Matthew asked.

I kissed his nose because I wanted to. “That okay with you?”

His head bobbed, and I smiled.

Kruger sighed loudly and dug his phone out of his pocket. It appeared beside my head. “Give me your number.”

“Why?”

“Why?” He was incredulous. “Because we’re sharing custody.”

Matthew groaned. “I’m a grown man.”

Kruger scoffed. “Yeah? Well, you were just necking in the parking lot like a tween high on hormones.”

“You watched,” he retorted.

Laughing under my breath, I grabbed Kruger’s phone and typed in my number. “Here.”

Kruger tapped his screen a few times. “I sent you a text. Save my number.”

I nodded.

“P,” Kruger called, “you good? You riding to Shirley’s with Arsen?”

Matthew nodded.

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell your sister what I witnessed here today,” Kruger told him. “She likes horror movies, not porn,” he muttered as he headed toward his Audi. Over his shoulder, he called, “I’ll see you guys in a few.”

When he was gone, I pulled Matthew around to the passenger side of the wagon but leaned against the door instead of opening it. Tugging him between my widened legs, I palmed his hips. “How about we put a label on it?”

“On what?” He feigned ignorance, but he couldn’t hide the flash of hope in his eyes.

“On us.”

His tongue came out to wet his lower lip. I could still taste him on mine. “We haven’t been on a date yet.”

“I know what I want.” And I also suspected that having a label would settle some of his insecurity. At least, I hoped it would. “But we can wait until after our date if you want.”

“What kind of label?” he asked.

I stifled a smile because his interest was proof I’d read the situation right.

“Exclusive boyfriends.” I was decisive.

A whole storm of emotions tumbled over his face. “You wanna be my boyfriend?”

Until I can make it even more permanent. “Yes.”

His teeth sank into his lip as he thought. “What if you change your mind?”

Is this one of the times when he projects his feelings onto me, or is this him actually worrying about me changing my mind?I couldn’t tell.

“I’m not gonna change my mind, princess. But if you do, you can tell me, okay? You aren’t trapped with me. You can walk at any time.” Those words actually hurt to say. They were like poison to my vocal cords, making the back of my throat burn. But I meant them.

He nodded.

My stomach fluttered. “I need you to use your words, baby.”

“I’ve never had a boyfriend.”

Good. I’ll be your first. Your only. “I’ll treat you good, baby. Like the princess you are.”

His lashes fluttered. “I want to be boyfriends.”

Mine.“Exclusive.” I made sure he knew. “I’m not sharing you. Ever.” Like I knew he had a thing for the number three, but there would only ever be two in this relationship.

He made a face. “Yes, you made that clear when you got a cop fired for touching me.”

My eyebrows shot up. “Are you teasing me?”

He blushed.

Laughing, I pulled him in, smacking a kiss against the side of his neck.

“Hey,” I said, turning serious again. Grasping his chin, I held his face so I could look directly into his eyes. “This means I can tell everyone, right? Let everyone know you belong to me?”

The blush spread to the tips of his ears. “If you want to.”

“What about what you want?”

He was silent a moment. “I want to be yours.”

My heart somersaulted.

“And you’re cool if everyone knows we’re together?” I clarified one last time.

He nodded. “Yes.”

Groaning, I kissed him again, ignoring the fat raindrops as they started falling from the sky.

I felt his nose wrinkle before pulling away. “It’s raining.”

“I thought you liked water,” I teased.

“I like breakfast too,” he implored.

“Well,” I said, pulling open the door to bustle him into the Mercedes. “If my boyfriend wants breakfast, then I’m gonna make sure he gets it.”