Chapter 21

Prism

I should be spiraling.Staring off into space, disassociating hard from the world around me. I hid for years upon years, agonizing over letting anyone see who I really was. Accepting only three people as truly mine.

I coveted routine. Found comfort in sameness and avoided anything that could shake the stability I worked so hard to have and keep.

Getting arrested set off a domino effect, and my carefully crafted world tumbled around me.

My disability? Discovered.

Home? Moved.

Heart? Stolen.

Sexuality? Confessed.

PDA? Serving an eyeful.

Single status? Taken.

Everything was upended, tipped on its side. Mere weeks ago, just one of these changes would have set me off. But having them all happen at once… I should be rocking in a corner, skin raw from itching, AirPods sealing my ears, and counting to three over and over again.

I wasn’t.

What was I doing?

Riding shotgun in my boyfriend’s car as he drove us to breakfast with my friends.

Maybe I was dissociating after all. Maybe that was why I wasn’t having a meltdown and throwing punches. After all, my ears were ringing. I did have some random and epically embarrassing outburst where I practically accused Arsen of keeping me a secret.

I hate secrets.

Ironic because you have so many.

I shook my head and swallowed past the lump in my throat. I don’t have as many as before.

I didn’t even realize I felt that way until my stomach was tight and the words were popping out of my mouth like popcorn kernels exposed to heat. As alarmed as I was by the word vomit, I couldn’t stop, and truthfully, it felt good to confess.

Perhaps I was too good at disassociating. I did it without realizing, hiding my own emotions from myself until they reared their ugly head and took everyone by surprise.

A hand reached across the center console, warm fingers gently brushing mine from the bracelet I was fidgeting with and entangling ours together.

I took in every detail, the way the sleeve of his white shirt caught in his bracelets, the thick veins in the back of his hand, and how comfortably his fingers fit between mine. His skin was warm, the metal rings on his fingers cool. His nails were clean and neat whereas mine were rough from being chewed. As I stared, his thumb stroked over the back of my hand, a sweet caress that made my stomach burn.

A sudden wave of possessiveness came over me, and I tugged his hand deeper into my lap and then wrapped my free arm around it, shielding the way he held me.

“What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” he asked, letting me cling to his arm.

“Not as much as there should be.” I pondered.

He fired a quick look in my direction before turning back to the road, head tilting. “What?”

I gazed at his profile, getting distracted and counting the piercings lining his ear. There were seven.

He gave my hand a little squeeze, and it was as if he pulled a string at my back, the one that released my secrets. “You calm me down.”

“I do?”

“Mm,” I hummed. “My track record has taught me I should be wigging out right about now.”

“Wigging out,” he mused.

I felt myself smile. Smiling usually wasn’t this easy.

“I told you I like routine. My life has been so far out of routine lately. I should be freaking out.”

“But you aren’t?”

“Maybe some,” I admitted.

“It’s okay to freak out, Matthew. To be stressed about change.”

“I accused you of being ashamed of me,” I said, my stomach twisting as anxiety rose and I started getting away from the point of this conversation. “Even when I know it’s not true.”

There’s the spiraling.

“Knowing something and believing it are two different things. Maybe your brain told you one thing, but your heart was screaming something else,” he said, making it sound completely rational.

I don’t know how he did it. Just accepted me as I was, even going so far as putting a label on things like he knew it would settle me.

I didn’t even know it would settle me. It did. He did.

I’m so attached to you.

“I just feel better with you.”

Despite my protests, he pulled our clasped hands out of my lap so he could kiss the back of my fingers. “I’m glad, baby.”

My stomach swooped, and I yanked his arm back into my lap, burying it there once more.

He laughed, the sound to my entire body was what warm honey was to a sore throat.

We pulled into the lot at Shirley’s, which was already filled with Elite cars.

“Those bros sure like their Jeeps,” he mused.

“They tried to convince Rush to get one. If it’s not a Chevy, he isn’t interested,” I said, looking at the two blue Corvettes as he parked beside them. “And he insisted Lars match him and not the others.”

“Whose Harley is that parked right behind the yellow Jeep?”

“Max,” I answered, eyes moving to the motorcycle blocking in his boyfriend’s Jeep. “It’s spring now, so he’ll be driving it everywhere.”

“He doesn’t swim, right?”

I shook my head. “He’s a tattoo artist.”

“Stay there. I’ll come around,” Arsen said, shutting off the engine and grabbing the keys.

I didn’t have the energy to argue or be bratty, so I waited until he came around and opened the passenger door. It was raining steadily now, the air scented with earth and damp leaves.

He took my hand, and we made a dash for the door with him pulling it open for me to go in first. The scent of coffee, waffles, and frying bacon was welcome and familiar, unknotting some of the tension between my shoulder blades. On cue, my stomach growled loudly.

The bell on the door jingled, and an arm found its way around my waist. Startled, I glanced at Arsen who tucked me into his side. My cheeks flushed, and I knew without having to ask they were likely flaming.

“You’re adorable,” Arsen said under his breath. “You want me to back off a little?”

“No,” I said quickly. And loudly.

He grinned, white teeth flashing as his eyes shone with pride. Leaning in, he kissed my temple, then nudged the spot with his nose. My stomach fell out right there at my feet. Shirley was gonna come by and toss it on the grill.

“Show me where you usually sit, baby,” he murmured.

How was I supposed to remember? How could I function at all with his hands on me?

“That must be your secret,” I told him.

His brows puzzled.

“You short-circuit my brain. That’s why I’m calmer with you. My body forgets to work.”

The corners of his bottomless eyes crinkled, and his chin tipped back with laughter.

That only made things worse.

“Bros! Get over here!” Jamie hollered across the diner.

Slipping my hand into his, I led him to a booth against the large windows in the back. My neck prickled as we went, feeling a thousand eyes tracking our movement, zeroing in on our linked hands. I usually tried not to attract any attention, but here I was, attracting all of it.

My thumb started tapping against Arsen’s. One, two, three. One, two, three.

Our group had grown so large in the past few months that we no longer fit into a single booth. Rather than sitting in the one behind our usual, we pulled a table right up to the end, creating one big surface for us all to sit together.

Ryan and Jamie were in their usual spots on the left side of the booth. Rory was perched in Ryan’s lap, and Madison was right beside Jamie. Next to them were Rush and Landry. Across the table on the right side of the booth was Kruger and Jess. I usually sat there with them, having sort of taken over Wes’s usual spot near the window. Since Max started coming to breakfast, Wes always sat farther down at the table on the left side, along with Win, his brother, and Lars.

I never told anyone, but I liked sitting by the window. I could look outside at the trees across the street. Plus, the booth felt a little more secure than a regular chair. Like I didn’t have to watch my back as much.

We stopped at the end of the table near Win, my feet shuffling a little as I felt all their eyes. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as the stares of everyone else in the diner, but I still felt my face grow warm.

A few gazes dropped to where we held hands and then slid back up, but no one said anything.

I blew out a breath. “So yeah, you guys know Arsen. We’re, ah… dating.”

Arsen gave my hand a little squeeze, and I glanced at him. The pride shining in his eyes gave me confidence.

“I hate to break it to you, bro, but we know,” Jamie informed me.

My lips parted. Then I scowled. “How could you know? We just decided.”

I glanced at Kruger, and he held up his hands. “Wasn’t me.”

Ryan cleared his throat. “You have a hickey on your neck.”

I blushed, free hand smacking against the bruise.

“You’re wearing his shirt,” Wes added.

My hand left my neck to finger the NO REQUESTS shirt. I guess they had seen him wearing it.

“You came out to the entire team.” Rush reminded me as if I would have forgotten. “And he was waiting in the parking lot.”

“Since we’re pointing out the obvious,” Jamie said, leaning toward us to loudly whisper, “you’re holding hands.”

My hand jolted, but Arsen’s fingers tightened around mine. They aren’t surprised at all.

Arsen cleared his throat. “Ignore the obvious for a few and pay attention to the fact he’s sharing something with you.”

Madison made a sound and slipped out of the booth around Rush’s chair to come over. Without hesitation, she wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me. “Congratulations. I’m so happy for you both.” She pulled back and smiled, brushing her bangs out of her eyes. “I’m also really glad you feel safe enough to tell us now.”

“You knew I was gay?” I asked, more surprised than I probably should have been.

She nodded once. “That day at the swim meet a few weeks ago. Kruger joked about getting you a man.”

Kruger made a pained sound. “I was hoping no one heard that.”

Madison smiled.

“You pretended you didn’t,” I said.

She shrugged. “You didn’t seem to want us to know, and honestly, it doesn’t matter to me, so I didn’t say anything.”

Shocked by her thoughtfulness, I shot forward and hugged her again.

She made a surprised sound but hugged me back. “We love you,” she whispered.

I pulled back as quickly as I shot forward, trying to hide my sniffle. I mean, I knew they wouldn’t care about my sexuality, but I didn’t expect them to care so much about me.

Rory appeared and hugged me, her carroty head in the center of my chest. “We support you, Prism.”

I stared over her at Ryan who was watching us. “We’re your friends no matter what,” he echoed.

Landry hugged me next, and Rush held his fist out so I could smash mine against it.

The legs on Win’s chair screeched over the floor as he pushed back to stand, clapping Arsen on his shoulder. “Win,” he said, holding out his hand. “Nice to officially meet you.”

Arsen shook his hand. “Thanks.”

Max appeared over Win’s shoulder, black leather jacket hugging his shoulders and the piercing glinting in his eyebrow.

I like lip piercings better.

Sensing him, Win stepped aside, and Max moved close to Arsen. Letting go of my hand, Arsen turned to face him completely, the pair standing there measuring each other quietly.

It struck me then how similar they were in looks. Both broad with black hair, piercings in their ears and face. Max had a sleeve of tattoos under his jacket, and while Arsen didn’t have exactly that, he wasn’t ink-free. Personality-wise, Max was more of an asshole, his presence more of a challenge compared to Arsen who had more of an easy way about him.

Arsen was no pushover, though, which he proved by straightening his spine to look down his nose and directly into Max’s ominous glare. His face remained relaxed, giving an almost bored expression as though he weren’t impressed with the way my friend tried to intimidate him.

“You hurt him and I’ll be your worst nightmare,” Max intoned quietly.

The bottom fell out of my stomach. This was the last thing I expected. Sure, Max was protective of his friends, but he never openly threatened anyone unless they fucked with Wes or Lars.

I glanced around the table, noting everyone staring between my boyfriend and Wes’s. They care more than I thought they did. Maybe all this time, I wasn’t just part of their group by default but because they like me.

“I hear you do tattoos,” Arsen said, ignoring the threat but not looking away from Max’s probing stare.

“So?”

“So you any good?”

“He’s the best,” Wes said.

“I’ve been looking to add a few. Maybe I’ll pay you a visit,” Arsen told Max.

“I’m not giving you a discount.”

“Why would you?”

They stared at each other a few minutes more. Then Max grunted and turned back to his seat. Arsen caught his arm, and Max glanced down to where he held him, pierced brow arching.

“If I hurt him, I’ll expect you to rip out my intestines and strangle me with them.”

Rory made a gagging sound. “We’re about to eat!”

Max cracked a smile. “It’s a deal.”

“I finally figured out what Prism’s type is,” Lars announced.

I groaned. He’d asked me that more than once, but I never answered for a multitude of reasons.

“Well, enlighten us, angel.” Win encouraged him.

“Max.”

Max made a choked sound, and the entire table burst into laughter. My face flamed. Seriously, my hair was probably on fire. I was glad they were so accepting of literally everything, but this was too much. I felt Wes’s eyes, and I glanced at him, worried he would think I was harboring some crush on his man. I shook my head adamantly, and he just laughed.

Arsen’s hand curled around the back of my neck, pulling me around.

I looked up, suddenly anxious. “He isn’t my type,” I told him. “You are.”

Leaning in, he kissed me right there in front of everyone. It was quick but enough to settle the panic rising in me.

“We got about three minutes until I’m full-on hangry,” Jamie announced.

Everyone groaned.

“Come sit,” Jess called as she and Kruger slid out of the booth and motioned for us.

I scooted in first, taking my seat by the window, and Arsen followed. It was a tight fit with four of us on the side of the booth, and Arsen reached under my thigh and lifted, draping one of my legs over his so I was half in his lap.

I glanced around, wondering if anyone saw, and noticed Rory smiling at me. “Best seat in the house,” she said, wiggling on Ryan’s lap.

His hands palmed her hips, settling her movements. “You’re playing a dangerous game, Carrot,” he said quietly. “You better behave.”

She blushed, and frankly, it made me glad I wasn’t the only one turning red around here.

“Hey, everyone,” a new voice said as he approached the table. He was wearing a Shirley’s uniform and carrying a big tray of coffee and waffles. “I’m new here, but they already told me waffles are automatic at this table. My name is Chase, and I’ll be your server.”

Silence blanketed the table, and we all stared. Feeling the weird vibe, Chase glanced up, a plate of waffles in his free hand.

“That’s not what we do here, bro.” Ryan informed him.

Panic crossed his features, but then it was like a lightbulb went on over his head. “Ah, sorry. My name is Shirley, and I’ll be your server this morning.”

Just like that, the table restarted. Everyone unfroze, and the strange and confused looks vanished from all our faces.

Jamie reached across the table. “Pass them waffles over here, Shirley. I’m so hungry I could eat–”

“Don’t even say something disgusting, Jamie,” Rory warned.

“Sisters are such buzzkills,” Jamie whined.

Shirley handed over the plate, and Jamie snatched a butter-drenched waffle right off the top and started eating with his hands.

“You could at least try to have manners.” Madison sighed.

Jamie paused in chewing to thrust the half-eaten waffle under her nose. “Would you like a bite of this warm delicacy, my lady?”

Madison giggled but pushed the waffle away.

Arsen laughed, and I scooted a little closer to his side.

Landry smiled at the overwhelmed server. “You’ll get used to us,” she told him. “I hope you have a great first day at work.”

“Thanks,” he said, handing out more waffles and coffee.

Everyone put in orders for stuff besides waffles, but when Shirley got to Lars, Win held up his hand. “Shirley!” he bellowed across the diner.

“Ah, yes?” the waiter asked.

A woman we all knew well, the original Shirley, came over. “Oh, is everything okay? What can I do for my favorite boys?”

“Sorry to bother you, Shirley,” Win said. “Your new server is great and all, but he forgot his name.”

“It was an accident.” Shirley aka Chase defended himself.

“Well, if anyone accidentally forgets that Lars has a food allergy, what I do will not be an accident.”

“Win,” Lars hissed, his pale skin blooming bright red.

“Sorry, angel,” Win told him, turning right back to the Shirleys. “Look, bro, I know you’re new here. The name thing is no big deal, but I need someone around here who knows Lars can’t have nuts anywhere near his food.”

“Of course, Win.” The OG Shirley agreed. To Lars, she said, “I’ll go let the line cook who always makes your food know you’re here.”

“I’m sorry for the trouble,” he said, glancing down into his lap.

“Don’t apologize for something you can’t control,” Arsen said, surprising everyone.

Lars’s head whipped around, pale-blue eyes going right to him.

Arsen nodded. “It’s not your fault your body runs a little different.”

His hand slid over my thigh that was draped over his, and my heart skipped a beat.

“Yes.” OG Shirley agreed instantly. “You know we don’t mind. Anything for Elite,” she said. “Now don’t you worry about a thing.”

“Thanks, Shirley,” Win said, and she went off to the kitchen.

New Shirley finished taking orders and then disappeared too.

Win stared down the table at Arsen. “I changed my mind. You can look at him. Just not too long.”

Arsen laughed.

“What?” I asked, confused but also feeling a hard pit of something in my stomach. Why would Arsen need to be looking at Lars?

Arsen lifted his arm, draping it around my shoulders. His lips brushed my forehead, and I had to fight the urge to duck my face and hide from the stares I knew we were attracting.

“Nothing, baby. The only person I’m looking at is you.”

“Arsen, tell us about being a DJ,” Rory said over her mug of coffee.

Arsen started talking, and I only half listened because the other part of me was too busy marveling at how seamlessly he fit in. How it felt as though he’d always belonged.

How even though it had been such a short time, I couldn’t imagine going back to life without him.