33. Knox

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

Knox

What the fuck just happened?

I’m having trouble feeling my legs as Elton walks me to my front door. All my limbs are shaky, and I’m slightly queasy, my stomach rumbling unpleasantly. I can’t even look at him right now. Not out of anger or resentment, but…shame.

Fear.

I don’t understand how it came to this. I thought we were just enjoying each other’s company— best friends , as he put it—but now it’s so much more. Am I expected to be on the same page as him? Am I?

We reach my door, and he clears his throat. Normally, this would be the point in a date when he’d kiss me goodnight before leaving, but he keeps his distance. Almost like he’s afraid if he moves, I’ll bolt.

That’s not out of the realm of possibility.

“So,” he begins, rocking back on his heels as he fucks with the buttons on his fancy shirt. “Um, I’ll text you?”

Still trapped in a state of uncertainty, I nod dumbly. I’m not too sure what I’m supposed to do, and it makes me anxious. I briefly snap out of my state when Elton goes to walk away. Although everything is muddled with confusion and skepticism, I do know one thing. “Wait, don’t go.”

He spins on his heels quickly, a hopeful glint in his green eyes. “Yeah?”

“Why don’t you come in?” I ask, fishing my keys out of my pocket. “Let’s…talk.”

Fuck, this is uncomfortable. I want to be left alone but, at the same time, I don’t want Elton going anywhere. I don’t say anything as I unlock the door, leaving it hanging open so he can follow behind me. Making a beeline to the fridge, I pull out two stupidly expensive beers from the six-pack he forced me to buy the other day. He’s always forcing me to do shit. Buy beer that I don’t even like, change clothes because he dressed up, make me…

Make me feel.

He’s sitting on the couch when I walk over and hand him a drink. We pop them open in silence, both of us taking large gulps of our beer, avoiding any real conversation. But Elton being Elton, he doesn't let that last long.

“Do you like me, Knox?” He nibbles adorably on his lower lip as he blushes. “I know I kind of just sprung this whole dating thing on you, but do you at least like me?”

The truth is hard to say after so long of keeping myself guarded from outside forces that could destroy me. I hardened myself, because people are absolutely terrible fuckers, but the truth is something I can’t deny anymore. “Yes.”

“Then what’s the problem? Do you really not want a relationship, or do you not want a relationship with me ?”

“You said we were supposed to be friends,” I say through gritted teeth, anger masking what I really feel. “We were supposed to just be fucking friends and look what you did.”

His jaw drops as he gasps. “What? How is this my fault?”

“Because you’re fucking incredible!” I yell, my own frustration growing as I shoot up to my feet. “Because you’re hot and funny and so smart! Because you see all the good in the world and aren’t afraid of being yourself! Because you’ve made me fall for you!”

It’s the bitter truth. I thought that Elton would just be a fuck to get over somebody else, but he’s trapped me. He did this shit on purpose. It was his plan all along to sink his claws into me and make me need him so damn much. Fuck him.

He rises to meet my temper, as usual, not taking any shit. “You think I wanted this? You were just supposed to be fun! Instead, you turned out to be one of the coolest, most amazing people I’ve ever met! This is just as much your fault as it is mine!”

“I don’t know how to be a boyfriend!” I scream, kicking at the sofa like a petulant child. “I don’t know what you want from me, Elton!”

He opens his mouth to shout back at me, but stops himself. Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, he lets out a deep breath, and I see the way his shoulders drop and his fists unclench. “Okay, Knox. You like me.”

“I already fucking said that.”

“Do you want to spend all your time with me?” he asks.

I snap my head back at such a ridiculous question. “Duh.”

“And you want to protect me?”

“Of course.”

“And you…” He gulps, taking a step closer and grabbing my hand. “And you want to take care of me?”

My heart softens, and my rage dims. I squeeze his hand back, pulling him closer, because it’s sheer magnetism that draws us together. I can’t help it. It’s inevitable to cave to Elton. He’s the sun I’m compelled to revolve around. “Always.”

He chuckles softly. “Hate to break it to you, Knoxy, but you want to be my boyfriend.”

That word triggers me, making my breaths speed up as I shake my head. “That’s not what that means.”

“What’s the real problem?” he questions, infinitely patient. “If it’s not me, then what is it?” His eyes widen, fear evident in them as he tears up. “Do you… Are you still hung up on him?”

Everest .

Then it hits me.

I haven’t thought about Everest in weeks.

Everest has become nothing but a distant memory in the wake of Elton. Everest was just a little ripple in the water, whereas Elton is the whole damn wave. He swept me away, forcing the feelings I had for his brother to dissolve in the sand, almost like it was never there in the first place. I think about it, and I realize that I never felt this way about Everest. Sure, I felt close to him, but not like this.

Not like I could tell him anything. Not like I could trust him with my secrets. Not like I could picture a future where I was worthy of him.

“No,” I say truthfully.

He lets out a deep breath, but his lips remain set in a frown. “Are you sure?”

“You make me laugh,” I say, the pretty picture growing clearer and clearer the more the realization hits me. “I’m always laughing with you, Elton. I never want to stop.”

He chuckles, wiping away a tear as he sits on the couch and pats the spot beside him. His sensitivity is another reason I like him so much. “Talk to me, Knox. Tell me what you’re scared of.”

I don’t even bother trying to deny it. Elton has always had a way of seeing past my bullshit. Maybe other people have, but the difference is that he cares enough to point it out. I sit, unable to keep my distance as I press my leg against his. “I’m afraid that if we do this… boyfriend thing, you’ll eventually realize that I’m not good enough for you.”

Not just him. I’ve never been good enough for anyone. Not for my parents, not for my peers, and not for Everest. If I couldn’t be enough for them, then what the hell would make me enough for someone as amazing as Elton?

Shaking his head quickly, he places one hand on my cheek. “I hate that you feel that way, but it’s not true. I make you laugh? You make me feel like what I want matters.”

I hang my head, using his hand as a lifeline as I let out a shuddering breath. “What if I’m not a good boyfriend?”

“Are you kidding?” He snorts, shaking me lightly. “I have a feeling you’ll be the best boyfriend to ever exist.”

I scoff, but my lips finally quirk up into a smile. “The best, huh?”

“Just you wait, grumpy bear. I know I’m right.”

I throw my head back with a laugh. “I fucking hate that nickname.”

Instead of saying anything else, he leans forward and catches my lips in a searing kiss. He holds me tightly, anchoring himself to me, leaning on me for a type of support I hope I can give him.

Because I want to give Elton everything.

If we’re going to do this, I’m going to try to be the best fucking boyfriend on the planet. I’ll give my guy anything he wants. I’ll be there for him when he’s at his lowest and celebrate every accomplishment with him. Through sickness, through the fights I’m sure will happen, through all the fucked-up shit life will throw at us, I want to be there for all of it.

He pulls back with puffy wet lips that curl into a smile. “So, are you my boyfriend?”

I chuckle with a nod. “Yeah, sweetheart. I’m your boyfriend.”

“Fuck yes!” he shouts, jarring me back with his enthusiasm. With a fist pump in the air, he gives a ridiculous little hip shimmy that has me laughing out loud. “Take that, asshole!”

“Hey, hey,” I tease, rubbing the back of his neck. “The fuck did I do?”

He shakes his head. “No, not you. Whatever dick you were trying to get over has no idea what he’s missing out on. Fuck, he’s such an idiot. But guess what, you’re mine now.”

“All yours,” I say firmly, loving the way that sounds

“Who was he anyway?”

I swallow harshly. I… I can’t. I can’t tell him. Am I being a coward? Sure, but we literally just agreed to enter a relationship. I may not have much experience on the matter, but I’m sure there has to be a better time for the conversation where I tell him I’ve slept with his brother several times.

So, I smash my lips against his and mumble against his mouth. “Nobody else before you matters, sweetheart. Not anymore.”

He then tackles me back onto the couch, kissing every inch of my face he can reach while he laughs with nothing but pure happiness. I try to laugh with him to cover up what I’m really thinking.

I fucked my boyfriend’s brother.

Luckily, Elton’s too excited to notice I’m lying still as a board. There’s a bone-crippling terror that strikes my heart and makes me feel like I need to throw up. When the truth comes out…

He doesn’t need to know .

And that’s what I repeat to myself as Elton eventually finds my lips, moaning against my mouth as he calls me his boyfriend over and over again. When we snuggle in bed together, and he starts making plans for our future house and faraway children, describing dreams I never thought I’d have, I repeat it to myself until I believe it.

He doesn’t need to know.