31. Skye

It was a few days later when Skye crawled into bed next to his husband and River sidled up next to him, planting kisses on his shoulder blades, and then his neck, before nibbling and licking his ear, that Skye wondered what was going on. They hadn't talked about the other night still and they hadn"t had any other sexual encounters, just soft kisses and casual touches, and River had seemed aloof and somewhat distant. Skye had wanted to talk to him, but he didn't know how to bring it up again, and he'd been so exhausted.

"Hey," he said, turning to face his husband. "What's going on?"

"I'm sorry about the other night, Skye," River said. "Can I make it up to you?"

"What do you mean?" Skye asked.

"I want to pleasure you. Please?"

Skye bit his lip. He wanted this, sure, but he didn't want River to be doing it for the wrong reasons. "Riv, you don't have to do this because you feel guilty, okay? I'm fine. I don't?—"

"Damn it, Skye," River snapped. "This isn't about guilt, okay, this is about me wanting to do something that I can actually do. One thing, to make life a little better, a little easier for you, because you do a million things for me. Yes, I hated that I couldn't finish what we started the other night and I was mad as hell at my body for failing me again, but I don't want those limitations to keep us apart any more than they have to. So maybe I can't use my mouth, and maybe anal sex is too exhausting for me, but I can give my husband a goddamn hand job because he fucking deserves it and because I fucking love him and I want to touch him, and be close to him, and this is the only way I know how. I can't cook, or clean, or work, but I can do this! I can give back to you, and I can take care of you, like you take care of me, every single day." River's anger was giving way to tears and he was sobbing now. "So, please, Skye, please let me touch you. Not out of guilt or obligation. Out of love. Please."

Skye gazed at his husband for a brief moment and then he kissed him fiercely and nodded. "I'm all yours, angel," he said, and rested back on his pillow.

River

River smiled and his hand found Skye's cock. He'd almost forgotten what it felt like to hold Skye in his hand, to hear his husband moan and feel his body shaking as he came, to feel Skye's lips pressed against his as his cock spasmed in River's hand and the warm cum filled his palm, leaking down his arm and onto the sheets. And God, he couldn't wait to do it again.

Skye

Skye was exhausted. He'd had a long week of teaching, and had spent the entire weekend at the auto repair shop. The last year had been especially rough for them financially, and he'd had to pick up some extra hours and was working non stop at this point, it seemed. He was hoping he would be able to cut back soon. River had earned his certificate for medical transcription just a few months ago and was starting to bring in some money again, which was a huge relief, as their medical bills kept piling up and their rent had been raised as well, but it would be a while still before Skye would be able to quit his weekend job. Andnot only was he exhausted, but he was depressed, and he missed his husband. River was still sick, and they didn't have any more answers than they'd had a year ago. He was pretty much bedridden at this point. He got up to go to the bathroom and get himself the occasional snack or drink, and shower, but that was it. Fortunately he could do his job from bed and it gave him something to focus on during the day, and had lifted his mood a bit, knowing that he was back to contributing financially. But his husband still struggled every day and Skye knew how hard it was for him to have lost everything he had over the last couple of years; his job, his health, his ability to function, his dignity and purpose. Skye didn't see it that way of course, but he knew his husband did.

River was depressed too, and lonely, Skye knew. He missed his work, he missed being able to go places and do things with friends, or by himself. He still missed church and his friends there, and going to Bible study.

They only saw each other during the evenings, and Skye spent most of those evenings making lesson plans, grading papers, and answering emails, and he was so wiped out from working 70 hour weeks that he often fell asleep on the couch, or in their bed next to River with papers spread around him, and would wake in the morning to find that River had moved his things aside and tucked him in.

They had managed to make it to a movie the previous week, which was really the only thing River could handle since he couldn't stand or sit anywhere that didn't have reclining seats, at least not for long. It had been their first date in months.

Fortunately they still had their game nights with Nick and Jenna, or Skye didn't know what they would do. They both needed it desperately, and River's tailbone was okay enough that he could sit at the table for a shorter game. If not he would curl up on the sofa and they would play on the coffee table in the living room, or even have Jenna and Nick join them in their bedroom and spread the board game or cards out on the bed so River could sit where he was most comfortable and still participate. Even after all this time, Nick and Jenna had been so gracious and accommodating, and Skye was forever grateful. They even spent their Saturdays visiting River while Skye was at work so he wouldn"t be alone so much, and it meant the world to him. Anna was even coming by with meals and visiting when she could.

Their friends were the one thing Skye felt was keeping them sane in all the madness. That, and the fact that Jenna and Nick had announced they were having a baby. Skye couldn't wait to meet the little bundle. Jenna was just getting out of her first trimester, so it would still be several months, but it gave both he and River something to smile about, and to look forward to, and they needed that desperately.

River

River still missed going for runs and rock climbing, though those things seemed to be a far distant memory now. He'd been sick for so long, he'd forgotten what it felt like to be well.

And more often than not, after tucking Skye in, he would climb back into bed, and cry himself to sleep. He hated what this illness was doing, not only to his body, but to his faith once again. He so desperately wanted answers. Wanted to believe that there was a reason for all of this, but he couldn't see it. How could this be good? How could it be valuable? How could any of what he and Skye were going through be making them better or be bringing God glory or strengthening them? It sure didn't feel like it. If anything, River felt like his faith was weakening day by day. He was growing angry, and bitter, and even more confused than he'd been when he'd been dealing with the migraines a year and a half ago. He'd always thought trials were supposed to bring people closer to God, but this was doing the exact opposite. He was trying so hard to be positive, but he just couldn't anymore.He was grateful for his job, that he could at least do something now to help Skye with the financial side of things. The fact that he was contributing made him feel like less of a burden on his husband, but he still grieved what he had lost. What he had worked so hard for, for years, only to have it ripped out of his fingers. Being a physical therapist had brought him so much joy, and he hated that he didn't have the capacity to do the job he loved.

There was just so much pain, and grief. So much loss. And River just needed a break. Skye needed a break from working so much, trying to take care of him, and of their home, of everything. And he was worried about Skye's health if he continued to have to work so hard. His husband was burned out, he knew, and it broke him to see how exhausted he was. They needed time together again, where they were both healthy and happy, and River was starting to wonder if that would ever happen, or if this was just the way things were going to be for them from now on.

Please, God, he prayed as he lay in bed one night, crying softly into his pillow, Skye snoring next to him. We need help. Please.

It was a few days later while Skye was at work, that River's phone rang from its place on the coffee table next to him. He picked it up, but when he didn't recognize the number he decided to ignore it. He was depressed and exhausted, and in no mood to deal with a spam call.

A moment later his phone chimed, letting him know that he had a voicemail. He put the phone to his ear and listened, and as he did, tears slid down his cheeks.

"Hi, River, it's Pastor Phillips," the deep, but kind voice said. "It's been a while since we spoke. I just wanted to say that we miss you, and how sorry I am that things have been so rough for you and Skye. I can't imagine how hard it has been. Anna has been keeping me informed somewhat but I wanted to call and check on you myself and let you know we haven't forgotten about you and want to see if there's anything we can do to help. I would like to have my secretary set up a meal train for you guys, if that's okay with you. It wouldn't last forever but I think we could provide you enough meals to get you through a few months anyway, so please call me back and let me know if that's okay." There was a pause, and River thought the voicemail had ended, before he heard, "Don't be afraid to be honest with God about how you feel, River. It's okay to be angry and confused, and God can handle your hurt. I hope you know that."

Be gracious to me O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow… my strength fails and my bones waste away… (Psalm 31:9)

River had tears sliding down his cheeks as he set his Bible down. It was like those words from the Psalms were coming straight from his soul. They described perfectly his sorrow, his loneliness, and his pain.

The Psalmist, David, had certainly had his share of struggles, and he'd laid everything open before God. His anger, and grief, and doubt, and fear. And River tried to do the same, but it wasn't enough. He didn't just want to talk to God, or know that he could be honest with Him about his anger and grief. He wanted answers. He wanted healing and wholeness. He knew life didn't owe him anything, God didn't owe him anything, but surely, he felt, no one was better off with him being chronically ill. This was something he just could not understand. Sure he was alive, he was surviving, but he didn't want to just survive. He wanted to live. Life was slipping away in front of him, almost laughing in his face, telling him that this was just one more wasted moment, one more blip in eternity that he would never get back. A moment that had so much potential but was never fully realized, and it made his chest ache, made his soul scream. Why?

He pulled his pride blanket up around him as he sat on the balcony of their apartment, sipping his coffee. It was spring once again, the second one they'd had in their new apartment. He used to love spring. But now it felt like the flowers and trees and birds only taunted him with their signs of new life, reminding him of how long he'd been sick, of what he no longer had, and all the things he could no longer enjoy. He heard them, and saw them, but he couldn't go for walks anymore, or bike rides, or runs. Couldn't go on camping trips, or go swimming, or kayaking, or climbing. Couldn't enjoy nature the way he used to. So many well-intentioned people kept telling him to remember everything that was still good in his life, all the blessings he had, everything he had to be thankful for. But it was getting to the point where he just couldn't think of anything.

Skye was amazing, and he'd stuck by River's side through all of it. He was the best partner River could ask for, his bright spot in all of the darkness; his comfort, joy and courage. But he was overworked and exhausted trying to keep up with all of the bills and the housework.

Their sex life had dwindled to practically nothing because River felt too sick most of the time to engage. And when he did, he felt worse afterwards. His jaw pain had only gotten worse ever since it had locked up on him during the blow job he'd given Skye, and so they hadn't tried it since. Skye could give them to him, but River always felt badly that he couldn"t reciprocate, and it just added to his feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

Nothing was going right.

"River?" he heard, and looked up to see Skye standing there, sadness etched on his face, and behind his eyes. He looked exhausted. "You okay?"

"Does He see us anymore, Skye?" River asked, tears sliding down his cheeks. "Does He even care? It's been so long. And nothing good has come from it. Nothing. I feel like He's abandoned me. Abandoned us. I don't know how to do this anymore. Live like this. I just can't…I miss you, Skye. I miss us. And I miss my work, and being able to just get out and do things. And I'm so lonely."

Skye sighed and went over to River, wrapping his arms around him, and River slid his arms around Skye's waist, his head resting against his abdomen.

"I know, River," Skye said softly, rubbing River's back. "I know."

Skye

Skye climbed out of his car and shut the door. He took a deep breath, stuck his hands in his coat pockets, and headed up the sidewalk to the church.

River was desperate. He was desperate. And he needed someone to talk to.