Chapter 15

Chapter 15StellaI was really getting used to waking up next to Gale like this. I’d kind of dragged her into my sleep schedule, and she was awake first this time, giving me that soft smile that melted my heart as she played with my hair.“Whoops,” she laughed. “Woke her up.”“Mm…” My eyes still heavy with sleep and a feeling of pleasant slumber still draped over me, I nestled closer to her. She hadn’t put on any clothes after last night… not the worst thing to wake up to. “You can wake me up any morning if you’re dressed like that.”“Hey, we all need our sleep. Not the last time you’re going to see me naked.”“Better not be,” I laughed, swatting lightly at her shoulder. “Three days to Christmas… I know what I want for a present.”She laughed. “Shall I just show up under the tree like this? Dressed up in a ribbon with a big red bow?”“Look, I’m not going to say I don’t want to find you dressed up in just a ribbon with a big red bow as a present, but maybe not where everyone can see.”Still, we got up, and regrettably, Gale put clothes on. She wore the shirt I’d gotten her again, at least, and I could never get enough of seeing her in it.We slipped downstairs, to where the lobby was dark—we were the first ones up this time, and I got an odd feeling in my chest as we skipped the lobby and went out, hand-in-hand, to where the town looked different like this. It was still dressed up in lights, strings of white lights from the gables of houses and in trees, and the Christmas tree in the center of the square, just down the cobblestone street from here, glowed against the night, with its gold star topper bright on the backdrop of dark wood buildings, but it was all serenely quiet, like we were the only two people in the world.We stole down the street to the little café that had turned into our go-to favorite over our time here, lights glowing through paned windows cloudy with frost, and silvery bells jingled overhead as we pushed in. The barista with the purple hair who had taken our orders a couple of times now beamed at us as we came in, wiping a splash of frothed milk off from the dark wood handoff plane, and she leaned over the counter smiling at us.“Hey, girls,” she said. “Your usuals?”I put a hand up. “Just a black coffee this time. Splash of cream.”“Double espresso for me,” Gale said. “You’re our first coffee of the day this time, so…”“You got it.” She tapped the register. “Sorry, I kind of just have to ask. Are you two dating?”“Oh, uh…” Gale froze up. I laughed, a low sound in my throat.“If anyone asks? Nope.”The barista winked. “I don’t know a thing. Five forty-one is your total, girls.”Gale was still so flustered that I beat her to the punch, paying for both of us. She was still fuming when we got our drinks and got to our usual corner, watching as the sandwich shop across the street got ready for opening, a man inside prepping things inside the half-lit store. The quiet of the early morning hour felt almost sacred, only one other person in the café with us, a regular with a small cup of coffee, reading the newspaper.“You paid last time,” she said, once we’d settled into our seats.“C’mon. You just got that tiny little thing. We’re not keeping score.”She paused, studying me. “Everything good? You look like something’s been on your mind since we got out of our room.”“Just that my mom’s always up at this time, so if she’s not at the lodge…”“Ah.”I laughed. “Is it weird I’m happy for her?”She shrugged. “I don’t think so? You’re both adults now. Mother-daughter relationships can change a lot once you’re an independent adult yourself.” She paused. “And I’m assuming it’s mostly just that you don’t want all the details…”“Yeah, no. Definitely not.” I sipped my coffee, sinking back against the upholstered booth seat, already feeling familiar and friendly. “Don’t know. Just feels like she was always on this miserable path, getting unhappier and unhappier all the time. Maybe I just like the way she’s not such a grouch when Charlie is around.”“Yeah, well, staying in a rut your whole life, wishing for something you’ll never give yourself, I imagine it’ll eat you from the inside out.”I paused. “What, like, a fulfilling relationship?”“I mean, probably that too.” She sipped delicately at her espresso—I’d only seen her get espresso a couple of times, but the gentleness of how she drank it, almost reverent, really captured me in a way I couldn’t describe.It was one of my favorite places to see her mouth.“What?” Gale looked up at me. I smiled.“Nothing. What do you mean, then, if not a fulfilling relationship?”“Adventure? Going somewhere new?” She shrugged. “She’s been pining for California all her life.”“Aren’t grownups all like that? Longing for some happy time in the past…”“Only the ones who aren’t getting what they want.”I chewed my cheek. Mom had talked fondly about her California trip all my life. I’d kind of grown up thinking of California as some magical wonderland because of how she talked about it, but the last few years I’d figured it was just that she was longing for the last big thing she’d done before getting married. But maybe Gale was right. “This place is a far cry from California, though.”She laughed. “About as much as it’s possible to be, yeah. But I doubt it was ever really about California itself. Bet you it’s just about freedom, independence…”She had said something about that, now that Gale mentioned. Felt like it was supposed to be the 16-year-old daughter desperate for freedom and independence, not the mom, but I guess the roles were flexible.“Weird that you know my mom better than I do,” I said, sipping my coffee. She shrugged, tipping back the rest of her espresso all in one go.“Ah, you know. She’s basically my second mom. Maybe my only one now that my actual mom is…”“Yeah.” I frowned. I still hadn’t faced the reality of my own mom demanding to make sure I was straight, too—or not even that, just to be straight for Christmas. I’d pushed it to the back of my mind and immediately gotten in bed with the exact person she’d told me not to, but—to be fair, she was the one who put us in the same bed.“Don’t be too sad about it,” she sighed. “Mom was kind of a gross person anyway.”“What?” I blinked fast, and she raised her eyebrows.“I mean, you remember the way she’d randomly go on tirades, make up things you’d said and yell at you over them, and… questionable views about the world…”Oh, right. Her mom. I relaxed, putting a hand on top of hers. “I’m glad you don’t seem too shaken up over it. I don’t know what I’d do if I fell out with my parents…”“I thought I’d be destroyed. And that they’d be destroyed. You know, me being the only child…” She shrugged, getting a distant look in her eyes as she stared out the window, up at the star-speckled sky. “But endings are just cloudy glass. Looking at it from one side, everything beyond is scary, vague shapes, and you can’t imagine what’s on the other side. Then you go through and you find it’s just… just a place. Like anywhere else. I guess… you’d be surprised how natural it can feel to heal sometimes.”She really was special… my chest ached, and I shifted closer to her on the booth, resting my head against hers. The way the world made sense when I was with her, the way things felt right when I was with her—the future seemed brighter when she was here, even though I didn’t know if we could have a future together.But I really wanted to. It ached through every bone in my body, thinking how easy it would be to fall in love with this woman. Wondering if maybe one day I could be dreaming about walking an aisle with her.What a place to end up with someone you met by hitting her in the face with your trumpet. I’d still never get over that.“Let’s spend some time together today,” I said. “Just the two of us. Sneak some us time again.”She grinned. “I’m on board. Want to go out to the winter trails again? I’ve been meaning to ever since I saw how starry-eyed you went over that view…”“Oh, c’mon,” I laughed, feeling my face prickle. “Well, I’m not saying no. That sounds great. Maybe bring a big thermos of soy hot chocolate and just camp out there a bit…”“You can bring something with actual milk—”“No way. It tastes better when it’s shared. Besides, I’m really developing a taste for soy hot chocolate.”And as if I wasn’t already freaked about the possibility that I might be genuinely falling for Gale—for the same Abigail Lancer who shared a bedroom with me more nights than not growing up, who held me when I cried through my first breakup, who had been there at my family Christmases and had heard all my deepest secrets and all my most passing thoughts over the years—then she took me to the trails at the outskirts of town, on the slopes looking out over where the world became forever, and I sat in the snow next to her and we watched the sun rise over the mountains, hands linked, my head resting on hers.We’d always joked when we were little that other people sucked and we should just marry each other. Now, I thought, I should be so lucky.*The lodge was lively when we got back, which usually wasn’t a good sign. Gale sighed as we walked up to the front entrance, giving me a helpless look.“Have a good excuse for skipping out on everything?” she said, and I forced an awkward smile.“Um… I went to watch the sunrise with a cute girl?”“Please don’t. Just flatter me in private, thanks,” she laughed, but there was an edge in her voice as I let go of her hand, kicking the snow off my boots and pushing the door open. The lobby was bustling with people—my family, all packed in, chattering loudly. Mostly the older ones, although I spotted my cousin Haley, who gave me a sympathetic look. I didn’t love that.“Oh, Stella, Abigail, you’re back,” Grandpa said, hurrying over to the two of us with a worried look in his eyes. “I swear, do you have to go disappearing every single day? At least you didn’t cut off Stella’s hair this time…”I’d always liked my long hair, but I was tempted to cut it all of a sudden just to spite him. “Not today,” I laughed. “Something going on?”He strained his expression. “It’s nothing you need to worry about. Why don’t you two get along to your room and get ready for lunch—”Grandma joined him with an exasperated sigh. “Ron, Stella’s an adult. She should know.”A sinking weight settled in my stomach. “What happened?” I said, but Grandpa shook his head.“It’s just people talking. Don’t worry about it. Like I said—”“Ron,” Grandma insisted. “Is it really fair for her to be the last to know? It’s her own parents.”Oh, god. I steeled myself, even though I already knew damn well what had happened. “Grandma, tell me what happened?”Grandma scrunched up her face, confused at being directly addressed. Apparently Grandpa was supposed to be the one to tell people things and Grandma was just supposed to tell him to tell people things, and I was violating the sacred order. I didn’t feel bad about it. “Well…” she started, clearly equivocating, and Grandpa cut in.“There’s some rumors going around about your parents, is all,” he said. “Like I said, it’s nothing to worry about.”I crossed my arms. “I’m not moving until I’ve heard what it is,” I said.“Kids are so stubborn,” he sighed. Grandma sighed harder.“Ron, please. She deserves to know.”Grandpa rubbed his forehead. “Abigail shouldn’t have to hear it.”“Mister Jackson, Stella would just tell me in five seconds anyway,” she said. I nodded.“I would just tell her in five seconds. If I hear it, so does Abigail.”He put his hands in his pockets, doing that posture that was somehow stiff and slouching at the same time that he always did when he was stressed, and he said in a tight voice, “It would seem your mother is having an affair.”A sick feeling rose in my mouth. That wasn’t… actually what I’d expected. Did they catch her with Charlie? I blinked fast before I pushed out in a dry voice, “Have you… confronted her about it?”Grandpa scowled. “Don’t take that tone with me. She’s my daughter, and I’ll… address this with her how I see fit.”He stormed away, his gaze dark, and Grandma gave me a helpless look. “I asked her, and she denied it. But… well…”Someone had clearly caught the two of them out in public. I felt a little queasy. Maybe if I hadn’t said anything to Charlie, hadn’t said anything to Mom about him…Mom needed to just go public about the divorce. But announcing it after being spotted out with Charlie would sound all wrong—I knew what kind of conclusions my family would draw.I swallowed the sick feeling in my throat. “Has Dad heard about it?”“I don’t know how you’re not reacting more. No, the damn man is out somewhere with Faith and Clarissa he didn’t tell us about, once again.”Getting Faith and Clarissa or Faith and Dad into the same room had historically been a challenge. Having all three of them happily go out somewhere together was a miracle, hardly something for them to bitch about. But I shoved the feelings down, taking a long breath. “I bet it’s all a misunderstanding… probably it’s not something to react to until Dad’s weighed in on it too.”She frowned. “Stella, you’re just a kid. You don’t need to tell us how to do this.”Two seconds ago she was insisting I was an adult. Apparently I only counted as an adult for purposes of spreading adult gossip. Still, I couldn’t help the fiery bite in my voice. “They’re my parents. I have some input in this too, don’t I?”“Your grandfather and I raised her. And we didn’t think she’d do this.”“Well, I’m telling you, things will—”“Stella.” Gale caught me with a hand on the arm. “Let’s go upstairs.”“But… I…” I swallowed the fiery sensation. I knew she was right—that there was hardly any point arguing this right now—but that didn’t mean I had to like it. “Fine,” I mumbled, walking close to her side and ignoring the looks from everyone as we crossed the room and headed up the stairs, marching down the hall and getting back to our room. We’d barely shut the door before I dropped onto the bed with a heavy sigh, my head in my hands.“She should have just said about the divorce.”“Yeah.” Gale stripped off her outerwear slowly, a heaviness about her.“Should I talk to her? Tell her she needs to come forward with the divorce, everything? She’s got Dad and the three of us—and you too—to back up that the divorce had been the plan for a while.”Gale took a minute to respond, getting her coat and gloves off, stripping off her boots and her socks, before she dropped onto the bed next to me with a low sigh. “I think both of you need a minute.”“We don’t have a minute. You saw the way everyone is on it like vultures.”“I think people like to make us feel like we have to hurry, but are they really going to feel differently about it by tomorrow? In any way other than feeling less… less… flagrant? Incendiary?”I let out a sharp sigh, deep enough it hurt my chest. “No,” I said. “No, I guess not. Just… dammit. I shouldn’t have said anything. Shouldn’t have gotten involved in other people’s business.” I tugged off my scarf and hat, tossing them across the room, throwing my gloves after, and kicking my boots wanton across the room, and I tried to throw my coat too but my arms were tired—every part of me was tired—and I just let it flop out of my hand and onto the floor, and I sprawled on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Gale nestled in next to me, pressing her face into my shoulder, wrapping an arm over me and holding me into her, and if it weren’t for her, I felt like I’d detach and drift off into space—like I’d float into the abyss and disappear.She didn’t need to be around all of this. Poor girl deserved better than this. Selfishly, though, I was just really… really grateful I had her here right now.