Chapter 16

Chapter 16GaleStella really didn’t need to get up and face her family right now. She still looked out into the distance like she wasn’t in this world with us, so once lunchtime had long passed and we both really needed some dinner, I squeezed her hand.“I’ll go grab food for us, okay, angel?”She pursed her lips, shaking her head. “I don’t want to mess with whatever plans Grandpa has tonight… if I don’t show up to his dinner event, he’s going to skin me alive.”“I don’t think he’s going to organize anything with all the family in one place right now,” I said, my voice soft as I tried to figure out the gentlest way to say it. “If I hear otherwise, I’ll let you know. In lieu of that… I’ll go order us takeout from somewhere. Okay?”She pursed her lips, but after a long silence, she nodded. “That would be great… maybe that place by the town hall? I could really bury my sorrows in some mashed potatoes right now.”“You got it.” I kissed her cheek before I stood up, a heavy sensation in my chest at what should have been a deliriously happy thing. Getting to kiss her was unreal, and I still couldn’t get my head around it. But… it also wasn’t going to be real at all before long. All of this going on right now just confirmed it—the way Stella needed to hold up everything in her family, how she had to be the perfect eldest daughter and make it all work. She wasn’t going to risk keeping up a gay relationship with her childhood friend when the family was already imploding.Or maybe she would. But I didn’t dare get my hopes up like that.I bundled up and slipped out of the room, but I didn’t make it far down the hall before I heard a psst and got slapped on the arm. I turned to look where Faith leaned out of the door for her room, a wide-eyed look on her face.“Shit. I didn’t mean to hit you that hard.”“Oh… hey. Didn’t know you’d gotten back.”She leaned in the doorway, folding her arms. The room behind her was empty—her cousin Haley who’d gotten put up in the same room gone right now, although I only just now noticed that they apparently got the dignity of a two-bed room. “Do you know what the fuck’s going on?”I sighed. “Let me tell you I am just floored that they didn’t communicate the message with you.”She rolled her eyes. “I know, right? Normally I get all the updates all the time. Talk about weird.”“Apparently word’s gotten out that Julia has a thing going on with her friend at the lodge.”She dropped her arms, eyes wide. “Shit. So they know about the divorce?”“Nope… just think it’s an affair.”“Oh, Jesus. Why doesn’t she just up and mention the divorce now? It’s going to look a million times worse like that.”“Stella said the same thing. I think you two might have a better head than your mom in all this.”She pinched the bridge of her nose. “Explains why everyone is so loud and angry right now. It was like the National Self-Righteous Grandma Association when Dad and I got back.”“Yeah, we met the association too…”“I bet you and Stella are going to break up now, too, and I’m going to have to listen to her whine about it.”I paused. “Break—uh. Faith, we’re—”She rolled her eyes, looking away. “Yeah, shut up. Most of the family is too awkward to see it, but I’m not a homophobic weirdo. You’re obviously dating.”“Uh. We’re just—”“Hey, relax. I’m not going to tell anybody.”I raked my fingers back through my hair. Faith gestured to it.“See? That. Exactly. She took you out in secret to give you a lesbian fuckboy haircut.”“The—what did you just say?”She held her hands out without a word, like a you heard what I said, try and fight me gesture.“Unbelievable.”“My best friend at school is a lesbian. I know enough to know what’s happening when you hang out all the time in secret with your girl best friend and get a haircut like that.”I sighed. “Hey… I’m picking up dinner for me and Stella. I assume there’s no family dinner tonight that you’ve heard of.”She snorted. “Yeah, not that I’ve heard of. I’m guessing the old ladies are going to go somewhere together to titter about how my mom’s a fucking whore.”“Faith—Jesus.”“What? It’s what they’re going to say. Just in coached language.”I mean, she wasn’t wrong, but… “Okay, anyway—since we’re apparently all just left to fend for ourselves, you want to go with? I can get you something, too.”She shrugged. “You don’t need to buy it, Mom got me a preloaded card for stuff here and I can buy my own food. But yeah, I’ll come with. Be nice to go somewhere Haley won’t come in and harass me about my mom.”Well, wasn’t she a grownup? She seemed more mature than most of the actual adults here, anyway, in a lot of ways. I waited for her to get bundled up, and we headed out into where the sun was low on the horizon now, and we headed for where the observation tower at the back of the town hall cut its shape against the sunset sky, reminding me of a few too many things right now. The winter market in front of the town hall was bustling right now, and I spotted a couple of Jacksons there, so we took the back road and went the long way around, through a narrow street lined with tiny shops and balconies to apartments above, big Christmas decorations from the balconies making it feel like a canopy of lights and holly over us as we walked, boots crunching on the thin layer of snow on the ground.“Hey, what was your stupid shit at school, anyway?” I said, sticking close to her as we walked. “Before winter break.”“Ugh…” She rolled her eyes. “Breakup.”“Ah. I’m sorry.”“How about yours?”“Breakup.”She looked over at me, breath curling up in wisps over her face. “Really? In Scotland?”“Yeah… some kind of whirlwind romance that was a bad idea. I’m not telling people about it just because it was with a girl and I don’t want to… get into that.”She pursed her lips. “That sucks. This whole thing’s so annoying.”“The trip?”“Yeah. Like, look at this,” she said, gesturing to the wall of lights, a window to a gifts shop dressed up with a gorgeous Christmas display, balconies dressed up with ribbon and little silver bells above, and the winding cobblestone street and wood construction making it feel impossibly cozy. “This place is nice. Plus, we’re spending a goddamn fortune to basically rent out the whole lodge for this long. And it’s just… this whole place is really pretty, and there’s so much to do, and you actually get a chance to make memories and be happy and do something other than be stuck at home miserable for the holidays full of obligations. And what do we do with it? We fight with each other, load a whole bunch of obligations onto it, tell everyone exactly what to do at all times. It’s like buying a beautiful house and burning it down.”“Yeah…” I let my gaze fall to my feet, leaving thin footprints over the snow. “You’re right. People so caught up in their ideas of what they’re supposed to do, they end up defeating the whole point.”“No wonder these people are so miserable.”“And have nothing that brings them joy, so they have to latch onto someone else’s misery instead.”“That part,” she said, pointing at me. “Bet you’re not going to end up like them. Man… gay people are cooler. I hate that I’m straight.”I mean, I’d also thought I hate that I’m straight at one point in my life, but… if Faith had some realizations to do in her life, she had to get there herself. “Don’t think I could if I wanted to,” I said. “You never really fit into something like that if you’re even a little different. Trying to be a part of the Self-Righteous Grandmas Association if I have a wife would be like pouring sand uphill.”She sighed, shoving her hands in her pockets as we turned the corner and came out to the restaurant entrance, quiet next to me as we scraped the snow off our boots and pushed into the place. Once I’d ordered some takeout for us, we sat in the entry area waiting for it, a couple of caned chairs and a wooden table close to one end of the double-sided fireplace, the dining area on the other. Busy right now, but all the life of this place felt like it was miles and miles away.Finally, Faith muttered just under her breath, “At least just tell me you two aren’t breaking up.”“Faith, we…”She kicked my foot. “Don’t even try it. I know my sister. And it’s weird to talk like this about my own sister, so… don’t make me keep doing it. She’s in love with you.”I looked away with a sigh, trying to convince myself my face wasn’t getting warm. “We’ve been together for a couple of days.”“Okay, and before that, you were together for, like, your whole life. It’s not like you don’t know each other like the back of your hand. I’ll bet you’re in love with her too.”“Ugh…” I hung my head.“She just takes on everything for everyone else because she’s too insecure to do things for herself. If you break up with her, you’re both just going to be miserable.”“You also just want another sister?”“Like I don’t have enough?” she laughed. “Well, you’re definitely better than Stella’s last boyfriend. She brought him home once and he was the most boring person I’d known in my life. Besides, you’re basically already a part of the family, so if you marry in then it won’t really be anyone else to keep track of.”What a nice, straightforward mindset. I kind of envied that. “Where are your dad and Clarissa now?”“Ugh, don’t know. He went to go talk to Grandpa Ron, figure out what the stress was all about. Clarissa wanted to go with him.”Poor guy was probably dealing with the worst of it. I just hoped he’d have the sense to talk about the divorce, but I knew if anyone was taking initiative, it probably wasn’t Philip Jackson. Guy had taken his wife’s last name. At one time, I’d thought it was nice and progressive, but these days—well, I still liked the idea in theory, but now I could tell he’d just been scared shitless of the Jacksons and wanted to show deference.“Don’t change the subject,” Faith said, kicking my foot again. “If Stella starts bawling her eyes out and won’t say what it’s about, I’m going to get frustrated, and I’m going to take it out on you.”“Okay. I get it. I… I won’t,” I sighed, even though I knew I was lying through my teeth.I didn’t know why I went from a questionable whirlwind romance straight into an even more questionable one—my childhood friend at a Christmas retreat surrounded by her family on top of the powder keg of her parents’ divorce. I was just letting myself do whatever I liked now that I was owning being able to date women, and not thinking of the consequences. Self-indulgently taking whatever was in front of me.Seemed I hadn’t learned a thing from Megan.“Ugh, what a shitty vacation,” Faith muttered.A little cynical, but I was inclined to agree.We picked up our food before too much longer, and we headed back to the lodge, Faith holding the paper bag with hers close to her chest as we stepped up onto the porch and shook the snow out of our scarves.“Thanks for the little food trip,” she said. “Probably would have just sat in my room all night waiting to hear back on what we were doing for dinner otherwise.”“Thanks for the chat. But I’m still not letting go of what you said about my haircut.”She rolled her eyes, smiling. “Hey, I didn’t say it’s a bad haircut. Just that it sends a message.”I pushed open the door to the lobby, stopping at the sight of Philip and Julia there in the seating area, both of them looking—well, exactly how I would expect them to look right now. Philip sat on the couch, staring down into his mulled cider with a desolate look on his face, and Julia paced in front of the fireplace, the floorboards creaking under her slippers. Stella sat at the other end of the couch from Philip, and I could read her like a book—hunched quietly at the end of the couch, clearly there just to do whatever she could but knowing full well there was nothing she could do. Next to me, Faith sighed.“Ugh. I’m going upstairs. Catch me with this crowd once I’m dead.”I wasn’t stopping her. I was of half a mind to do the same, but I walked quietly over to where Julia was the first one to see me coming, whipping towards me and relaxing a little at the sight. “Oh, Abigail,” she sighed. “I was wondering where you’d run off to.”I held up the bag. “Grabbed food for me and Stella. I’d have gotten you two something if I’d known you were—”She waved me off. “I already ate.”That didn’t address Philip, who still barely even looked at me, just giving me a thin smile before looking back down at his drink. Scratch that, I figured. He probably didn’t have it in him to eat a thing. “Here,” I said, handing the bag to Stella. “Do you want to eat here, upstairs…?”Stella took the bag with a tired sound that was supposed to be a word but died off halfway through, and she stood up, pulling me into a hug. “Let’s go upstairs… I’ll get you a hot drink too if you like.”This poor girl needed to lie down. I squeezed her shoulder, in the same way she always did to people—that way that settled her down so quickly. I hated knowing her this well. Made the next part painful. “I’ll grab my own and be up in a sec. You go sit down. Thanks, Stella.”Julia caught me as I headed to the drink bar, and she hovered awkwardly there as I made a cup of tea. Finally, I broke, giving her a sidelong look.“You need to just tell everyone,” I said. “The whole truth.”She pinched the bridge of her nose. “I should have done that a week ago. But now here we are. I guess you’ve heard… everything, then.”I cupped my tea up to my nose, sipping delicately. The British would never forgive me if they knew I couldn’t tell the difference between tea here and tea there, but I’d at least picked up the sense for a settling brew when I felt like I was in miles over my head. “Ron told us…”She leaned back against the table. “Philip and I had a long… talk with him. We might be able to clear the air, dispel the whole thing.”“And then tell them about the divorce as soon as we’re done here? Miss Jackson—I mean, with all due respect, the damage is done.”She hung her head. “I know that. I just… I just don’t want the weight of it all on the kids. Not here, not… during Christmas. If it makes them gossip after this, then so be it, but… I don’t want to do that to Clarissa. To Amy and the other kids.”I wasn’t sure the kids were served so well by lying, hiding things, and the adults in their lives getting themselves hurt over it. Clarissa was smart enough to pick up on when everyone was at each other’s throats, even if they didn’t say anything outright, and I felt like it made a hell of a lot more sense to just tell her what was going on instead of leaving her in a place where she had to worry and wonder what was happening.But I was hardly in any place to tell them how to manage their family relationships. I didn’t have any family left anymore. “I guess…”Julia hung her head. “Abigail… I need to ask you something.”Oh, this was lovely. I looked away. “Can it wait until after I’ve eaten?”“It’s just a second. Just…” She folded her arms, and she sighed, dropping them. Discomfort rolled off her so much I felt itchy just looking at her. “I want you to understand I’m not coming at this from a place of—”“Please, just say it.”“Are you and Stella dating?”My stomach churned, but I just raised my eyebrows, looking at her. “Now you’re telling me too that my haircut makes me look like a lesbian?”“Clarissa said she saw the two of you out on the town, that you…” She gestured vaguely. “Well.”Ah, Christ. I knew we hadn’t exactly been the most subtle, but… we’d at least steered clear of the Jacksons as far as we could tell. Had Clarissa followed us out looking for proof we were together and going to get married? She clearly had no conception of the kind of trouble it could cause both of us. I kept my cool as best I could, sipping my tea, before I said, “Well, what? She saw us holding hands? It’s cold out and it gets crowded.”She strained her smile. “Kissing. I know she just exaggerates these things…”Wasn’t this lovely? A nice throwback to my mom cornering me and making sure I was definitely, one hundred percent heterosexual. Her one and only child could never be gay. I’d hoped Julia could be different. I looked away. “I’m not gay, Julia. Stella and I are just friends.”She sighed. “You can tell me if you are together. I… I don’t have anything against it. Against the two of you. It’s just that with everything going on right now—”“I get it. We’re just friends.”She put a hand over her face. “I’m not trying to sound like—”“Please, forget it.”She sighed. “I’ll try to clear it up, then. She went and told her grandfather and her grandmother about it, and they were… not happy. Said some things I won’t repeat.”Dammit. I took my tea, my stomach feeling heavy, and I walked the long, slow steps towards the stairs. “Sorry,” I said, my voice low. “Didn’t mean to cause more drama on top of it all.”“Abigail,” Julia started, her voice strained with worry, and I felt Philip’s eyes on me too, but nobody said anything else—just let me go as I walked the slow trudge up the stairs.