1. Chapter 1

Four months after Dean's death.

"What are you thinking?"

I look over at Oz who steps to stand beside me as we examine the walls in what is supposed to be the nursery for the baby. I sigh, "I'm thinking this is stupid, Oskie."

Oscar frowns and turns his gaze to look over at me. "What do you mean? You don't like the yellow?"

"No, it's not the colour. Look at me." I reply, gesturing to myself, and Oscar's frown deepens. "I'm sick, Oz. I barely have the energy to stand on my own two legs for longer than ten minutes at a time. The bigger this baby grows the weaker I'm becoming. We're being foolish in thinking this baby and I are going to make it through this to even use the damn nursery."

A forlorn expression descends upon Oscar's face, and he shakes his head, turns to face me and takes hold of my shoulders, his deep brown eyes interlocking with mine.

"Jeyla, stop it. I don't want to hear you talking like that. Both you and this baby are going to be just fine, do you hear me?" I shake my head and lower my gaze to the tiny baby bump the size of a football between us. I rest my hand on my stomach and the baby moves inside of me.

The past two months have taken a destructive toll on my body. I feel weaker with each passing minute, my weight plummeting at an alarming rate. Instead of the glowing appearance of a healthy expectant mother at seven months, I resemble a mere shell of a woman. Gaunt and bony, with only a tiny bump to remind me of the life growing inside me.

Despite my appearance, there is some comfort in knowing that the baby is flourishing, taking all the nutrients it needs from the scarce food I can keep down. But the strain of this pregnancy is tearing through my body, as it struggles to support the growing life inside me. Every day brings new challenges as I battle constant dizziness and a deep, dull ache in my pelvis that keeps me up at night and intensifies as my belly swells with the stretching and expanding baby.

Despite my parents' and doctors' persistent pleas, I can't bring myself to terminate this pregnancy. They warn of the potential harm it may cause my body, but I am determined to keep this child. Even if it means sacrificing my own life in the process, I cannot bear to part with the only remaining piece of Dean that I have. Every kick and flutter in my stomach serves as a reminder of his love and presence in my life. No matter what may come, I will hold onto this precious gift until my last breath.

My only wish is that it didn't have to be like this. This should be a place of excitement and anticipation, but instead it feels haunted by what could have been. I should be filled with joy at the prospect of being a mother, eagerly planning for our baby's arrival; not waking up each day in fear, wondering if it's the day our baby will leave me, too.

Dean and I should be decorating the nursery together, choosing the crib our baby would have slept in. We should be fighting over what name to choose for our little nugget.

This is supposed to be a joyous moment for us. This is our miracle baby. And yet I'm standing here in our unborn child's nursery with Dean's older brother when it should be him.

It should be him.

"One step at a time, remember? All you need to do is pick the colour and I'll take care of the rest, Jey." Oz adds, his thumb gently stroking my shoulder while he looks down at me.

I shake my head, my vision blurring with a fresh batch of tears when I raise my eyes to meet his. The lump in my throat thickens and my voice wavers as I whisper, "I can't," before breaking away from his hold, walking out of the nursery and back into my bedroom. As soon as the door closes behind me, I lean against it for support and breakdown in tears.

Later that night I sit on my bed clutching a DVD in my hand. I've been putting off watching this ever since it was delivered three months ago. It's the DVD of mine and Dean's wedding. After I received it in the post I couldn't bear to watch it, so I hid it in a box in my wardrobe.

Earlier today when I went to grab a jumper from my wardrobe the box toppled over and the DVD fell out and landed at my feet. That was three hours ago. I've been sitting here staring at the photo of us smiling lovingly at one another on the plastic cover trying to gather up the courage to watch it. Lex hops up on my bed and lays down beside me, resting his head on my knee and staring up at me with those beautiful caramel eyes of his.

"What do you think Lex, shall we watch it?" I ask, scratching the back of his head and he whines in response. Dean and I promised to watch this together after he got back from his deployment. It still doesn't feel right to watch it without him, and I'm not even sure if I'll have the strength to watch it all without breaking down. How can I bear to see how happy we were promising each other forever when forever only lasted a couple of months for us.

My fingers tremble as I pry the cover open and carefully pull the first disc out and clamber off the bed. Lex sits up and watches me with interest as I walk over to the DVD player and push the power button on before sliding the disc in with a quivering breath.

Picking up the remote sitting on top of the television I walk over to the bed again. Wincing when an ache travels across my stomach as I crawl up, sitting cross-legged as I push the button to turn the TV on.

I exhale slowly, my heart racing while I wait for the picture to load. The screen gradually fades from black as the familiar tune of 'Marry Me' by Train begins to play. The video opens with a stunning aerial view of the picturesque venue, capturing every detail from the gorgeous greenery to the rustic architecture of the barn. The words, ‘The Wedding of Jeyla we all are. If I could take away your pain I would, but I can't." Oscar affirms his tone, pressing his forehead to the top of my head while he consoles me. "I know it hurts like it's never going to end, but that pain will slowly start to heal, but first you need to let it. None of our lives will ever be the same without him and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss that little dickhead or wish he was still here with us."

With a sniffle my eyes flutter open and I stare at the television, where our wedding video is still playing. The camera slowly zooms in on Dean and me during our first dance. Dean's face is lit up with a radiant smile as he serenades me with the lyrics to ‘In Case You Didn't Know'. My own smile mirrors his, my eyes welling up while I gaze up at him devotedly. Oz looks over at the TV and I hear him sigh.

"Death cannot kill what never dies Jeyla," he says solemnly. "And you and Dean shared a bond so unbreakable and special that it transcends beyond mere mortal love. You had a connection that most can only dream of having. Your love was truly one-of-a-kind; the kind that great novels are made of." Oscar's words add a bittersweet ache to my heart, as I remember just how deeply and passionately Dean and I loved each other during our short time together. Using the back of my hand I wipe away the tears that just keep falling and sit upright.

"So, now you need to honour that great love and live on so that my brother can live on with you." Oz states, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair that is stuck to the side of my soaked face and delicately tucks it behind my ear. "You have to start putting yourself back together and be strong, for your own sake and for the sake of your baby."

How?

How do I even begin piecing my life back together again after the devastation I have endured? I am lost in an endless abyss of despair and pain, surrounded by a suffocating darkness with no sight of light. My body and mind sinking deeper into its depths with no sign of escape. It feels as though I'm drowning, my lungs burning for air that never seems to come. And the one person I need to pull me out of this abyss is forever gone, leaving me to suffocate all alone in this bleak void.

"I'm drowning, Oskie." I admit despondently, my voice barely a whisper.

"I know you are, and I know it may not feel like it, Jey, but you are not alone in this," Oz says firmly, his hand resting reassuringly on my shoulder. "Your family and friends are all here for you, every step of the way. We need you just as much as you need us right now—especially Ashlyn. She didn't just lose her sibling; she lost her other half. She needs you more than ever right now."

God, Ashlyn. The mere mention of Ashlyn's name brings a wave of guilt and sadness crashing over me. I haven't really spoken to her properly; not since the funeral. I have been avoiding seeing and talking to her. I miss her terribly, but the thought of seeing the pain in her eyes is too much for me to bear. Every time I see her, I'm reminded of Dean because they share the same eyes and smile and I'm just not strong enough to face her.

And yet, I'm supposed to be her maid of honour, helping her plan the wedding that is meant to take place in just six months. I don't even know if they're still going through with it or if it has been postponed after Dean's death. My own grief has consumed me so completely that I have neglected my best friend's feelings. If I feel this distraught over losing Dean, I don't want to imagine how she must be feeling after losing her twin. I only wish I could somehow find a way to stop feeling so wretched all the time so I can find the strength to be there for her.

"I'm a horrible friend, aren't I?" I murmur, lowering my gaze to my fingers fumbling anxiously in my lap. "I miss her, I do, but I don't think I can face her yet, Oskie. Every time I look at her all I see is Dean looking back at me and it… hurts so much."

Oz rubs my back and I hear him sighing, "I know, but maybe reach out to her and explain that you just need some time, so she knows she's not lost you, too."

"I will," I answer with a nod while my thumb idly twirls the wedding band on my finger. That dull ache deep in my groin becomes more painful. Usually, a warm bath takes the pressure off. "Uhm, I think I'm going to take a bath." I visibly wince as I shift to stand and the pain travels down to my legs and across my back. "Fuck."

"Jey, are you okay? What is it?" Oz's hand shoots out and firmly grasps my arm, halting me in my tracks. Concern drips from every word as he asks, "What's wrong?" But I brush off his worry and continue on, like always, ignoring the persistent ache in my body.

"It's n-nothing, I'm fine," I lie through gritted teeth. But deep down, I know something is wrong. The feeling of unease gnaws at me from within. "Can you just help me up, please?" Oz is already on his feet, his hand outstretched for mine. With some effort, I push myself up from the bed and place my shaking hands into his. As he slowly lifts me up, my head goes faint, and I feel a warm sensation trickling down my legs.

My entire body trembles uncontrollably, and my heart pounds fiercely in my chest as I lower my gaze. The sight that meets me is enough to make me want to scream. A deep red stain mars the light blue fabric of my shorts, and streaks of blood trickle slowly down my trembling thighs.

No.

Oz's eyes follow mine, and as I lift my tear-filled gaze to meet his, I see a wave of paleness wash over him as he takes in the crimson stains. This is the moment I have been dreading, the moment I hoped would never come throughout this entire pregnancy.

"Oskie," I manage to rasp out, my voice sounding foreign and broken, unrecognizable even to myself. The last thing I remember before darkness consumes me is an excruciating pain tearing through my insides. It feels like someone has set fire to my body and is ripping it apart at the same time. The intensity of the pain robs the air from my lungs, causing me to collapse onto the ground. Just before everything fades to black, I hear Oz's panicked voice shouting my name.