Prologue

Where do I begin?

How do I find the words to express the way I'm feeling when I'm at the point where words fail me.

Do I start with the weight on my chest and the constant ache in my heart simultaneously suffocating me? The pain and hurt I've endured over the last few years run so deep I can barely breathe. What I thought was misery before, doesn't even compare to the agony I've been suffering since losing Dean.

Every hour, every minute, every godforsaken second, the pain intensifies. We buried him only yesterday, but my mind refuses to accept that he's truly gone. It all feels like a twisted nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from.

I keep hoping that if I just open my eyes and will myself awake, Dean will be by my side, alive and well. He'll wrap his strong arms around me, and we'll laugh at the absurdity of my dream. But every time I try to escape this hellish reality, I am brought back to the harsh truth—he's gone, and I am left here, stuck in a state of neither fully awake nor fully asleep.

I exist in a limbo, with no sense of belonging or purpose while half of my soul is missing, and I feel so utterly incomplete without him.

But do you know what I hate the most? I hate that the world around me continues to spin and carry on, when for me, time has frozen in this moment of devastating loss.

Days later while I'm lying on the sofa with Lex, staring at the photo of Dean and me hanging on the wall above the fireplace, there's a knock on my front door.

I ignore it.

I don't want to see anyone.

The soft chime of the doorbell echoes through the house, breaking the peaceful silence. Oz, hearing the doorbell, makes his way downstairs, a bewildered expression on his face. His eyes flicker towards me in question. "Are we expecting someone?" I give a small shake of my head and turn back to my furry companion, Lex, nuzzling my face into his soft fur as I let out a content sigh. The front door opens and a deep voice fills the air.

"…and we've been instructed by the R.A.F to return this to the late Lieutenant Reyes' wife." My heart skips a beat at the mention of Dean's name, and I gently set Lex on the sofa before hurrying towards the front door. Oz looks back at me when I walk over, his gaze filled with a deep sadness that mirrors my own, making my heart ache even more.

"What's going on?" I ask Oz and he hesitates for a moment and holds up a car key. Oh God.

Dean's car key.

I lift my hand and press it to my lips while I fight to keep my emotions in check as I stare at the key in Oz's hand. The air force did mention they would arrange for his car to be returned to me. "Mrs. Reyes, if you can just sign the release form to verify that you have received the car."

My heart feels so heavy in my chest, it feels like it will snap at any moment and sink into that deep dark void Dean's loss has left inside me. My fingers tremble as I take the pen from the middle-aged man and sign the release form. "My condolences for your loss, Ma'am," he offers as I hand the forms back to him with trembling fingers.

I can't bring myself to utter a word back, instead I stare at the key in Oz's hand.

"Jey—" Before my name leaves Oz's lips I'm taking the key from him and walking out of the door. I hear him calling after me, but it falls on deaf ears, my emotions drowning him out as I walk over to Dean's black Lexus now parked outside the house.

With each step I take towards his car, my heart beats faster and a bubble of hope expands in my chest. I can almost feel his presence, imagining the familiar creak of the driver side door as it opens and Dean stepping out and flashing me his wicked grin that always made me weak and infuriated me all at once. But the car remains still, empty, and that little bubble of hope falls like a deflated balloon. The reality of losing him hits me once again, flooding my vision with tears. My throat tightens as I draw closer to the car, placing a trembling hand on its hood and close my eyes, fighting the sob I can feel mounting inside me.

My finger presses the unlock button on the remote control and the car doors unlock. "Jeyla," As I reach for the handle, I hear Oz call my name and look back to find him standing behind me.

One of the things I adore most about Oscar is his innate ability to discern my needs with just a single glance. Whether it be comfort, space, or support, he always seems to know exactly what I need. And in this moment, while I stand before him teary eyed and lost in my grief, he understands that what I need most is to be left alone. His gentle gaze and subtle nod convey his understanding, and I am grateful for his unwavering intuition and consideration as he steps away to give me some space.

Since the funeral everyone around me keep telling me that I need to express my emotions and not bottle them up. They say it's necessary for healing. But I can't move on. I can't seem to move past this crippling pain, I don't even know where to start with letting him go when my heart is bleeding. Ever since Dean's passing, I've been really struggling to find purpose in my life. The void he has left behind is consuming me, and I'm just existing in its shadows. Some days I feel like a hollow vessel, adrift with the current of life, while other days I'm overwhelmed by emotions and memories that refuse to let me move on.

Everyone else is moving forward with their lives, but I'm still stuck, trapped in the same torturous cycle; reliving the same nightmare over and over again, every single day and night. It angers me that the world can carry on as if he never existed, while I feel like my entire universe has been ripped to pieces.

Exhaling, I pull the door handle and the door swings open, and the sound makes me wince visibly. As I slide into the car, the ache in my chest intensifies. The scent of Dean still lingers in the small space. Remnants of his warm, spicy aftershave cling to the seats, bringing back bittersweet memories of moments we shared together in this car.

Biting my lip hard, I close my eyes.

"JJ, stop acting like a child and get in the car so we can go home already."

"I told you I can find my own way home!"

"Last chance. Get in the car."

"Never."

"JJ, I'm losing my patience."

"And what Dean? Are you going to throw me in by force? I would love to see you try."

"Suit yourself."

"Hey! I'm not going anywhere with you, you stupid jerk! Put me down right now or I swear I will scream bloody murder. Help! He's taking me against my will, call the police, call the FBI!"

"JJ shut the fuck up or I will really give you something to scream about."

A deep longing fills me as I'm flooded with past memories of us—memories I would give anything to go back to.

I don't know why, but I start searching the car. I don't have a clue what I'm looking for. There's a tub of spearmint chewing gum in the centre console. His aviator sunglasses in the leather case sitting in a cup holder. A couple of receipts from petrol stations where he filled up.

I pull the driver side visor down and something falls out and lands on my lap. It's a photo. I pick it up and slowly turn it. A sudden stinging sensation jolts me as I catch a glimpse of a photo clearly taken by Dean, unbeknownst to me, during our trip to Mexico. My memory immediately transports me back to that moment—the second day of our vacation. We were gathered in the restaurant, eating our weight in breakfast before making our way down to the gorgeous beach. In the photo, I'm wearing no make-up, in a vibrant green bikini adorned with white palm trees, and a sheer white overall covering my swimsuit. My face is lit up with a bright smile as I gaze out at the crystal-clear blue ocean before me, the sun kissing my skin with its warm rays. Dean had been sitting opposite me at the table, and I hadn't even noticed that he snapped the photo. Until now, I didn't know he had this photo of me for all these years.

An endless stream of tears rolls down my cheeks as I sit there staring at the photo. We've been through so much. Fought so hard to be together for it all to end like this. I can't accept that this was our fate all along.

It's cruel and unjust.

"JJ."

As I slide the key into the ignition and start the engine, the deep timbre of his voice, saying my name with such familiarity and warmth, fills the car. I close my eyes and savour the sound, letting it wash over me like a gentle wave. Dean still appears in moments of despair. I'm aware that he's not real, just a figment of my imagination that surfaces to ease the unbearable weight of grief on my heart. Yet, I cling to his image like a lifeline, savouring every fleeting second before he fades away again. The constant ache in my chest eases with his presence, if only for a fleeting moment.

I feel the warmth of his hand covering mine when I place it on the gearstick and shift it into drive. "I can't do this without you."

"Of course you can, baby girl. It's all still so fresh, you need to give it ti?—"

I shake my head and turn to meet his gaze, my eyes drawn to the familiar emerald colour that always calms me. "No, don't give me the 'time heals all' spiel, Dean. It's not true. No matter how much time passes, this unbearable ache of losing you will never go away."

Dean stares back at me mutely and I hate that he's looking back at me with such affliction in his gaze. Tearing my eyes from his I release the handbrake and drive off down the dark and quiet street with no destination in mind. I just need to drive. I need to breathe and feel Dean.

The music plays quietly on the sound system playing the last song Dean was listening to. I reach over and turn the dial up, desperate to immerse myself in the music. But as I do, my vision blurs and a suffocating sob rises in my throat. The last song he'd been listening to was Craig David's ‘Key to My Heart.' A song he would sing to me regularly whenever it came on.

Tears flow freely as my emotions unravel once again, triggered by the memories of him grinning, his green eyes glowing with love as he sang the lyrics to me. Each lyric, every note feels like a dagger piercing my heart, opening the floodgates of grief that I try so hard to contain while driving. The road ahead becomes a blur as I continue to weep, my fingers gripping the steering wheel tightly for support.

I replay the song over and over again while I drive on autopilot for over an hour. Until I find myself at the spot overlooking the London skyline that Dean drove us to the night we first supposedly ‘met'.

"Why are we here, JJ?"

I look over at him and shrug. "This is where our story began."

Dean shakes his head and reaches over to take my hand into his. "No, it's not, and you know it," he asserts while his fingers play with mine. "Our story began when we were five years old that day at the playground."

"I suppose it did." I let out a heavy sigh, my gaze dropping to our intertwined fingers. The sensation of his touch is faint, almost imperceptible, and it hits me that I can barely feel him anymore. My heart aches at the thought. "It kills me that it took me so long to realize how much you meant to me, even back then," I admit sorrowfully. "If only I had known how little time fate had in store for us, I wouldn't have wasted a single moment." Hot tears spill down my cheeks, mingling with the already damp tracks left behind. "If I had known sooner how good it felt to be loved by you, I wouldn't have hesitated… not for a second."

A faint smile graces Dean's lips, but it fails to reach his eyes. They hold a hint of sadness, of memories that still linger. "JJ," he says softly, his voice thick with emotion. "Our love was so profound because it didn't come easy. Every obstacle we faced, every fight we had… those moments, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem now, were what fuelled our love and made it so fierce."

"I can't…" I whisper, shaking my head as I reach for the door handle. "I can't stand hearing you talk about us in past tense. I just… can't. It hurts too much." Pushing the door open I step out of the car and slam it shut before I lean against it and sob into my hand.

"JJ," Dean sighs as he stands in front of me with his hands stuffed in his pockets. "You need to stop holding onto all that anger, baby girl. You need to let it go so you can start to move on."

"I don't want to move on, Dean!" I cry pushing off the car to step closer to him. "I want the fucking universe to stop screwing me. I want the love of my life back! God, do you have any idea how much it hurts to wake up every morning and try to live on without you? There is no greater pain than having the ability to gaze into your eyes and not be able to really touch you!" Dean stares into my tear filled eyes and wordlessly shakes his head. "We made a promise to each other. It was you and me, the two of us against the world so why am I the only one suffering? Don't just stand there, Dean! Say something! Fight back, damn it. Fight with me, please!" I sob fisting my hands and pounding them against his chest while he just stands there mutely and takes every blow and doesn't even flinch.

"This isn't how it was supposed to be, Dean. I fought for you. When I was lying in that hospital bed, I fought to come back for you, but you, you just gave up and left me here to live without you. You're supposed to be here, by my side, in our home, in my arms just like you promised, but you're gone. You're gone and I can't accept it!" I scream fisting his shirt.

"It's okay, JJ. Just let it all out," Dean's words soothe like a gentle breeze against my skin, but they also infuriate me. I clench my fingers tightly around the fabric of his shirt before finally releasing my grip and turning away. I walk toward the edge of the cliff, feeling the cool grass beneath my feet and the weight of my heart in my chest. With closed eyes, I can hear the distant sounds of the city below, but all I can think about is how the solution to all my grief lies at the bottom of that endless drop. Should such a dark thought bring a sense of peace? It should terrify me, shouldn't it? But instead, I feel nothing but numbness. I can jump off this cliff right now and end all this pain in an instant. The temptation is overwhelming, and for a moment, I stand on the edge, contemplating if I should give in to it or not.

That is until I feel Dean's arm circle me and his hand rest on my stomach, a silent reminder that it wouldn't be just my life I would be ending. "I keep thinking if there is something I could do to be there next to you. All that's standing between us is one step forward and we can be together again."

"You're not going to do that, JJ."

"Why not?" I tip my head and meet his gaze. "There is nothing keeping me here anymore, Dean."

"That's not true, Jeyla and you know it." Dean replies, pressing his lips to my temple. I will everything in me to just feel his lips against my flesh but all I feel is a slight warmth against the spot his lips touch. "You have something bigger than the both of us keeping you here. You have a little piece of me growing inside of you. If that isn't enough reason to hold onto life, I don't know what is."

"It's just one more thing I'm going to wind up losing, Dean. The doctors are trying to convince me to terminate, because the chances of me carrying the baby to full term are pretty much non-existent and I could die in the process. I'm scared—not of dying—but I can't take another loss, not after the last time and losing you. I'm barely hanging on as it is and if I lose this baby which is the last thing I have left of you, it will finish me."

"Stop thinking like that," he whispers urgently. I can feel the tremors of emotion in his voice, matching the ones coursing through my own body. "You're not alone, JJ. You have a whole army of people who love and support you. And you are so much stronger than you realize. Whatever comes next, you'll find a way to survive it." The words sink into my soul like a balm for my fears, bringing a glimmer of hope to the darkness consuming me. "Your life doesn't end with mine."

"That's easy for you to say, Dean. You're not the one left behind to endure all this grief."

"You think I'm not mourning, JJ?" Dean spins me so I can face him. I stare up into his eyes and the ache inside my chest expands. "I wasn't ready to leave you."

Tears gather in my eyes and roll down my cheeks. "Then why did you?"

Dean smiles and presses his forehead to mine. "If I had a choice, I would always choose you , Jeyla Jenkins."

"I hate you for leaving me with a reason to live on without you, Lieutenant."

"I know you do, baby girl." Dean sighs brushing his nose against mine. "But it's time to go back home. I don't want you out here all by yourself." When I look up and meet his gaze, I don't know what he sees, but he nods back at me reassuringly. "Don't be scared, Angel, I'm not going anywhere. Even in the moments you can't see me, I'm by your side. Okay?"

I'm sure to anyone looking in I seem like a lunatic talking to herself, but I couldn't care less. Their opinions hold no weight compared to the comfort I find in my own thoughts when he's around. Dean may no longer exist in the physical world, but in my heart and thoughts, he is very much alive. I can't let go of him, no matter how insane or delusional it may seem on the outside.