The raves, the clubs, the dancing, the drugs… What happened to my reckless, Ecstasy-fueled youth? I used to be fun. Now, I'm on the brink of forty and in the midst of a midlife crisis I have no idea how to navigate.

I've been on my own for five years, broken beyond repair by a lifetime of abandonment and betrayal, looking for connection but unwilling to commit. I'm jaded and ambivalent, destined to sit on my condo balcony and live vicariously through the lives of my neighbors. Alone.

Then, out of nowhere, Matti stumbles in; a chance encounter on the street while walking our dogs. He's attractive, confident, intriguing. We have things in common. He's a decade older than me and he's lived my adventure. He has his shit together and a cute accent. And I can't stop thinking about him.

He says he wants a future with me. He wants to show me life can be fun, that we can still dance like we used to. He wants to love me. And I'm falling for him… hard.

But my past is clouding my judgment. I'm not sure I even believe in love anymore. Trust doesn't come easily, and Matti's bound to hurt me eventually, just like all the other disappointments. Isn't he?

My friends tell me I live in a perpetual state of self-sabotage. Maybe I do. I'm just not sure I'm up to the challenge of a new relationship—the challenge of allowing myself to be loved—even if Matti might forever change my outlook on life.