CHAPTER TWENTY - NINE

SHAW

I've been wandering around like a dick with no home for the last seven days. The ironic misery of that thought isn't lost on me. I turn another corner and keep my head down. My shoulders are just as hunched, like I've done something wrong, and I'm trying to hide myself. Which is plainly fucking ridiculous because everyone knows who I am around here. Maybe I'm hoping they find me rather than me facing up to them at the house. I mean, I went back to my own damn home and waited for them to come. I sat there for three days and three nights and, when I wasn't sleeping or eating, I stared at the door – waiting. Not one of them has bothered coming to find me.

Hearing nothing from Miri or Logan, or even Samuel, hasn't helped my dejected mood. I don't know what I expected, and Miri wouldn't know how to contact me even if she wanted to, but something would have been cool. Anything. Wouldn't even have minded a call from Logan to tell me he was coming for my ass if it meant I'd found out she was home and safe.

But nothing. That stings more than the family I'm still hoping for under my anger because it feels like I really did do it all for nothing if I can't even get that intel.

Turning the key, I let myself into my own space and stare at the state of it. Yeah, it's modern and high-end and everything a single guy needs, but it feels empty as hell and undeserved. I don't know why. It never used to. Maybe that's just my life back here now I've broken it – empty and pointless.

Thoughts start coming into my brain like they have done for the last few days of waiting. They're thoughts of me just packing my shit up and going somewhere, anywhere. I could. There's still cash in my accounts – I've checked. And the car's still out there waiting for me to use it. I could just close this place up and run again, this time on my own. I'd set up a new life somewhere that isn't here, find a purpose. I lean my head back on the couch and stare at the wall. Purpose? What does someone like me do if he's not killing something or beating on it?

Unfortunately, and despite my trying to think of ways around it, I'm still desperate to see them all. I've got things to say even if they don't want to hear them. And I've got this feeling building, this need to explain and have them fucking hear it for once in their lives instead of dismissing me as irrelevant to their plans.

They must fucking hate me.

I don't like that thought, regardless of causing the hatred.

Tired of my own damn indecision, I get up and snatch my keys off the table. If they're not coming for me, I'll go to them.

The engine revs hard as I peel out of the drive and head for Terrell Hills. I'd like to say it was speed. It isn't, though. It's my boot being too damn heavy for my own thoughts, and the hesitancy keeps easing me off and then forcing me on again. Before I know it, I'm pulling up to the gates and still thinking about just getting the hell out of here and hitting the roads for a long ass time.

The usual automatic swing of gates because the system's recognised my plates, doesn't happen. They stay fixed and closed. If that isn't a sign that they don't want me here, I don't know what is. Anger and all kinds of hostility rise through me like nothing I've ever felt before. This is my goddamn home, and if they think they can just block out what they damn well caused, they can think again.

I look at the grounds through the wrought iron bars, searching for some security. None show themselves, and before long, I'm revving the engine to try getting some attention. Still nothing. I stare at the cameras up there, knowing some fucker is watching me. Could be Lexi with her smug sense of satisfaction, or Abel even with his goddamn temper.

Easing back slowly, I wait, not trying to control my rising aggravation. Maybe it'll be useful when they finally open the goddamn gates. Still, they stay closed – barred.

Fuck off, Shaw. Leave.

No.

I reverse hard, screeching the wheels straight after to build momentum and launch the Charger forward at the gates. The impact is hard and shunts me forward as it buckles the gates inwards. I look behind me and reverse again, powering up from a distance, and drive at max until I'm smashing through the damn gates and screeching up the driveway.

Metal clanks and groans the whole way up to the house, clattering to announce my arrival if the gates being smashed in didn't, and I'm out and storming for the door the second I park up. It's opened for me, and Dante stands there, arms crossed and a look of death on his face, as if he's gonna try stopping me, too.

"Where is he?" I spit, still moving at him.

"Leave, Shaw." Yeah.

And no.

I pick up speed and drop my shoulder, sending everything I've got at Dante until we're both crashing backwards, and he's stumbling over his own feet. The wall hits me hard as I roll into it, but I'm up before him and moving along the corridor without waiting for an invite I'm not gonna get.

Head craning left and right, I search for the only one in this family that needs dealing with. "ABEL!" bellows out of me as I keep hunting him down.

Mariana comes barrelling out of a doorway, near skidding to stop by me. "What the hell are you doing?" she hisses. "Get out, Shaw. He'll kill you."

I keep moving through the dining room to get out back to the deck. "No. Where the fuck is he?"

She grabs my arm. "Jesus. What the hell is wrong with you? Shaw? Stop?" I shrug her hand off me and walk out onto the deck, physically ripping her grip from me when she tries again. Something catches my neck at the exact same time, pulling me backwards and dragging. I twist in the hold, using all those years' worth of experience to get away from Dante.

Ducking, I roll away from him and send one direct hit to his face before he knows it's coming. His chin flicks up and sends him back a step, giving me room to push another hit at his jaw again.

I'm turning while he's still stumbling, heading for the goddamn pool. He's not there either. "I'm fucking done!" roars from me. "You hear me, Abel!" There's no answer, and I spin on my heel to look around, splaying my arms. "You want me, you damn well come get me instead of sending your fucking dog!"

"Shaw! Stop!" Mariana again. I sneer at her and look back at Dante on the deck out there, moving my feet to get to him again if I can't get to the one I want. He glares and readies himself this time, no doubt about to beat my ass hard.

"That's what you want?" I growl, approaching him. "To kill me for him? Why?" I shove at his chest, not giving a damn if it riles him further. "Because I had a fucking opinion he didn't like? Fuck you, Dante. Bring it." He frowns under his scowl and looks at Mariana like he doesn't know what to do with my spite. Yeah, well, I don't either, but I sure as shit am not backing down from this fight.

"You're being a dick, Shaw," he says, low and grumbled. "Go, before you can't."

"That's it, yeah? I'm out. Exiled?" A crazy laugh comes out of me as I look at them both watching me. "Guess you've got your muscle now. Don't need me, yeah? Big, bad Kai's here, so Shaw's no use no more."

"Hey. That's not fair," Mariana seethes. "You did this, Shaw. You! Don't bring Kai into this when he's not here to defend himself."

"There was zero fucking reason to bring Miri back to the States. None. She was free and clear of our crap. It was just Abel and his fucking asshole need for revenge."

"You shot him, Shaw! Jesus Christ."

"And? He's alive, isn't he?" I made damn sure of it when I shot somewhere that wouldn't kill him. I look up and around again. "Not fucking man enough to face me himself, though, right? ABEL!"

"You're fucking crazy," Mariana spits, grabbing my arm again. "Get in the goddamn house."

Dante moves to block me. "No. You leave now. Go."

I snort at him, about ready to get my ass handed to me if that gets Abel from wherever he is so I can get what I need to say out of my mouth. "Whatcha gonna do, Brother? Hurt me? Cause me some pain? You've already done that. You all have." I glare back at Mariana again. "Every fucking one of you. You laughed, and you dismissed me, and you treated me like nothing more than dirt on your goddamn shoes unless you needed me. And I was still there for you. Every goddamn call. Every fucking time one of you needed backing up or looking out for, Shaw came running, didn't he?"

I look up again, this time at Abel's bedroom and the balcony. I'm brimming with rage and some fucking hurt that's come from the depths of me. A bitter laugh rattles out of my throat. "It was never enough, was it? Never. I was just the kid, the weak-ass kid who couldn't stomach your shit. And you know what, you're right, I couldn't – didn't fucking want to, either. You didn"t feel it like I did. None of you did. She came back here, and I felt every fucking inch of her fear and pain."

"The hell does that mean?" Dante says. "No one even got around to touching her before-"

"Not Miri. Mariana!" I shout. "Jesus. It's her I felt. Her pain. Her fear. None of you felt that like I did. Couldn"t. You didn"t feel her heart rushing or sense her crying before she even started. I did."

My gaze drops in the silence, and I damn near fall to my own knees about that whole admission. Didn't even realise that last bit needed to come out until it did.

She moves closer to me, but I back away.

"Shaw, I never knew."

"Yeah, you did. You just didn't like the weakness on you, and I didn't want you reliving it. You know exactly what we feel about each other. And if you didn"t, that just proves my point about caring a damn about me. Maybe if you weren"t so busy being a bitch, you might have understood." Doesn't feel like it matters anymore. What am I hoping for here? Forgiveness? Some offer of family even though I can't be part of it anymore? I've got about as much chance of that as I have of ever being okay with what they do. "It's all wrong, and everyone one of you know it when you stop looking at those girls like they're money, but still, every fucking time I was there for you. Every fucking time."

"You done?" Dante says.

I shake my head, then nod anyway. "I don't fucking regret it, though," mutters out of me as I raise my stare at him again. "I'd do it again. For Miri, I'd do every second of it again. You don't get to take that from me. I did a good thing. The right fucking thing."

His brow twitches, but it doesn't stop him hauling my ass through the dining room and back out towards the front of the house. I don't even try pushing him off me this time. I let him lead me where I know I need to go, resigned to the inevitability of being alone for the rest of my life.

"Stop." I go rigid at the sound of Abel's voice behind me and feel the half-drag of Dante trying to carry on, regardless of the order. "I said stop, Dante." He starts walking behind me, and I recognise the sound of one leg being off his usual gait. Part of me smiles at the thought, knowing that I caused that – that my need for doing the right thing caused it. Miri caused it.

Dante shoves me away and backs up, and I'm left standing in the middle of the hall to wait for whatever's coming. I don't mind now. He's probably heard it all, and whatever happens, I know I got things that needed saying said.

"Abel?" Mariana says. "Just-"

"Be quiet."

He's eventually around in front of my face, and I raise my stare to match near black eyes I know too well. "I don't regret it," I say again. "Whatever you want to do to me doesn't matter." Those eyes turn fierce as fuck, and I brace for the impact I know is coming. I knew it would the second I took a step back inside this place, and, in the grand scheme of my screwed life, what does it matter anymore? "Just get it done, Abel. I've said my piece."

The first hit comes quicker than I"m ready for. I don't fight it. I land hard on the hall floor and stagger to get up. I push Mariana off me as she tries to help, clearing her from Abel's path so we can get this last fucking bit done.

"What the hell is going on here!" gets bellowed into the space.

Knox.

"Again then, if you need it, Abel," I mutter from my knees. "It'll be the last damn time you ever touch me. Once I get up, I'm done, you hear me? Done."

"Great fucking introduction," Knox says. I blink, swipe my mouth of spit, and try searching the space for him. What eventually comes into view shocks the shit out of me. "Meet your nephew." Everyone stops moving. All feet and scrabbling, all voices, halted.

We stare at him, holding a baby, confused.

"What?" Mariana says.

"Your nephew," he reiterates. "Cade."

"What the-" Dante says.

"Yeah, shocked me when I picked them up at the airport, too," Kai says, as he gets between me and Abel. His hand comes down to me, and I take it and let him pull me up. "Looks like the distraction was useful." You don't say.

"You all know Peyton," Knox says, putting his fingers back for her. She grabs onto him and looks between us all, flicking her gaze around at what she's walked in on, no doubt.

"Well, fuck." Dante. He goes over to Knox, smiling. "You didn"t tell me that intel."

"No."

I don't know what to say or do. I was about to be thrown out of this house, and this family, or walk away from it, and now I've got a nephew I knew nothing about?

Lexi appears from somewhere and goes over, flapping her hands as if she wants to hold Cade. "This is no atmosphere for such a precious one," she says. "Talk. Make it right. You're all acting like children."

Knox smirks at her and hands him over, and both she and Peyton walk off towards the kitchen. "We don't have time for talk. We need to be at the courthouse in an hour."

Abel's still looking at me, calm as the fucking day and just as ready to explode. "Why?" he questions quietly.

"We're getting married. I want my family there." Something shifts in Abel's eyes, like a fog descending for a second before it clears the storm that was still brewing. "I'd like to think we'd learnt something from the shit we had with Mariana. Leave him be, Abel. He knows what he's done. And whether you like it or not, he did what a Cortez does – he fought for his beliefs." Abel looks back at Knox for a moment. Doesn't say a damn word in reply, but he stares until he turns and walks past us all towards the stairs.

Dante follows him, glaring at me.

Yeah, whatever that was, it's far from over, and I get the feeling I just dodged an ending I wasn't prepared for.

"When?" Mariana says, rushing at Knox. "How? A baby? Why didn't you tell us?" She kisses him on the side of the face, hugging him, too, like we're all some happy family.

He looks at me. "She never took the pills. Says she left it to fate."

"And that's where you've been all this time? With her?" she says.

"Yeah."

"But you"re happy?"

"Yeah." He keeps looking at me, frowning, and tries coming closer. "You alright?" I back away, shrugging and swiping my mouth again. "You're a goddamn fool, Shaw." He huffs, looking at Kai. "You keep Abel off him for the wedding. We'll talk after that." Kai nods like the good guy he is.

"Talk about what, Knox?" I mutter, turning from them. "There isn't a happy ending here. I'm done, and we all know it."

"He'll come round," he says as I get to the main door.

My brow arches as I walk out.

No, he won't.

I don't really take much time analysing anything for the next hour. We all move towards the courthouse like a family that isn't in turmoil. I ride with Kai and Mariana, Dante takes Lexi, Peyton and the baby, and Abel drives Knox. They smile, and they talk about a new generation as we enter the building, but I'm not on board with that for reasons I can't process yet. Even Abel seems like he's not mad at me for a while. He doesn't talk to me, but he doesn't make me feel like the outcast I am, either. It feels like a show to me, though, like every moment, despite Knox needing it real and filled with family love, is tainted with the bad blood I've brought home to them. Maybe that's because it is. Blood or not, I'm not like them. I just proved it.

The last wedding we all attended was the sham between Abel and Lexi. This is nothing like that. It's understated and intimate, and regardless of my own discomfort here, it's real. Dante's up there beside Knox, being best man. Everyone"s here who means something with no one else in the way. I've never seen Knox look at someone like he's looking at Peyton. He's fiercely protective of her. It's in every move he makes and every glance he sends her way. Then there"s the way they're looking at each other as they say their vows. That's true as fuck. It's full of a meaning I never once saw from Abel or Lexi on their day. Guess it's full of love and respect. Peace even.

Albeit, as I look over at Abel and Lexi holding Cade, they're the same now in their own way. He cries, and Lexi shushes him, and I smile at that, as the marriageisconfirmed. Even her – the bitch from hell – knows love and kindness and right from wrong. The shame of it is, that kid's gonna grow up as one of them – a Cortez. He'll be trained and moulded, and before long, he'll know nothing of peace and happiness. He'll know how to kill someone, and he'll know how to trade in our business and run an empire, but let's hope he's his father's son through and through. Let's hope, for his sake, he's heartless and near fucking untouchable. He'll survive them, then. He'll know a love I don't think I ever have.

Vows done and congratulations given, we all walk out of the courthouse into the streaming sun. Someone says they're all going to Bellini's for food so they can celebrate. My feet stall, and I look over at Abel. He inclines his head, like some offer of conciliatory obligation on his part. I guess some sense might have fallen into place in his head, or Knox's words about us learning from Mariana's problems could"ve hit home. Either way, my feet don't want to move towards him. If they do and he says the right things, I'll be back to where I was before all this started. I'll be their whore again. I can't be that anymore.

Sighing in reply, I nod. Not as an acceptance but as a goodbye. I track backwards, away from their direction, and turn after I've taken one last look at them all together. Bright sunlight hits me square in the face as I step out of the shade of the building. I drop my sunglasses and keep walking. I'll love them forever, and I don't know where I'm going from here, but it won't be with them.

It can"t be.

I'm out.