CHAPTER THIRTY

MIRI

The next few weeks fall into an easier pattern.

Work, training, and trying to forget about my feelings.

Naja and I finally found some sort of peace between us. Our argument, or fight, or whatever you want to call it, seems to have finally sunk in, and we're finding a new way between us. With her finally seeing my side in all of this, she's starting to see how things might look for her and not just us.

Work is busy, and I cleared the air with Peter and Mandy by offering drinks after work. They were so shocked by my out-of-character invite that they didn't pry too much into my recent absence.

I even moved back into the apartment. Willow helped. We had it completely cleaned, and she even re-decorated. She said it was overdue and was happy to help make it more like I'd want. Instead of resenting the gesture, like I would have before, I embraced it and enjoyed looking for something that I could try to make mine. The bedroom is still downstairs, though. Landon's room reminds me of Shaw and that stirs mixed emotions. Rightly or wrongly, I'm choosing to believe that it wasn't all a lie.

Looking at what I have here – what Willow and Landon have done for me – through this new lens of life – everything feels lighter, easier. And I need to start showing that I'm grateful for it. But there's one thing I can't fix.

My heart still aches, and the unknown of what happened to Shaw still needles at me. It hasn't left and seems to grow, like a shadow at dusk that takes over my thoughts and draws me back from moving forward. Ironic, as he's the one who told me to go on and live. I even went to Landon to ask if he'd be able to find out his fate, but as I entered his office and looked at him behind his desk, I couldn't. Instead, I thanked him. Again.

So many questions about Landon and his involvement with the Cortez and the Cane's swim in my mind, but they're for another day. Maybe even never. I will always hope he was looking for me – fighting for me – like Logan mentioned.

All of that didn't stop my need to find out what happened to Shaw, though. So, I looked up the church online. I wasn't going to forget Samuel Cleary's name anytime soon, and it wasn't hard to find the contact information of the place where we sought refuge.

I've picked up the phone a dozen times, but each time I disconnect. As much as I want to know, I'm sure it can only be one answer, and that's not something I'm ready to hear. And, what if that call sparks something that only leads to more bad news? If I can't bear not knowing any longer, I can at least reach out for the information I need to settle the unrest in my heart.

Not today, though.

~

Training at the gym and working with Neil has been good. He's been able to focus and direct my feelings into something positive – something physical. He brought up the competition idea again, and now, there's no reason to say no. He's arranged a new schedule, filling more of my time, which I'm more than happy for. Except some of the wake-up times are harsh. London is surprisingly calm before dawn.

I rush to make it to the gym on time and dump my bag in the locker room. We're usually the only ones here for the early starts. Tally's talked about joining us a couple of times, but she's not shown so far, and I don't blame her.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," I call to Neil as I tie my hair back in a ponytail and enter the training area.

He doesn't say anything, and I look up to where the dull thud on the bag is coming from. Only it's not Neil at the punching bag. It's Shaw.

He stops and turns to me as I freeze in place across the room. The smile on my lips is immediate. Relief sours through me that he's alive, standing right in front of me.

"Shaw?"

"Hey." He grabs the bag to stop the swing but doesn't move towards me. My foot steps out to close the distance, but I'm tentative, pulling back from running to him. Seeing him again wasn't an option I thought I had, and now the anger begins to build at him. Why is he here? He told me to go and live my life.

As I get closer, the emotions fire, overwhelming me and setting my fists twitching. My feet plant on the cushioned floor, gaining pace to get to him quicker. He finally smiles, but all I can see is him telling me to go. I pull my arm back and launch it at him in a clean arc, but it's well-telegraphed, and he ducks, counters and grabs my arm.

"There's my feisty bitch."

"You told me to forget you!" I yell, lunging at him. "You told me not to fall for the bad guy. And now you turn up?"

His arms wrestle me, trying to get me under control, but I twist and deflect until we're fighting against each other.

"Miri, stop. It's okay." He knocks each of my moves to the side, zapping me of my energy before binding me in an arm hold that keeps me tight to him. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"You already did. I thought you were dead." The sadness I've been holding about that fact and the pain it's caused trying to move on with that knowledge strain in my tone. "You said they'd kill you." I don't hide the fear and loss I've been carrying since we've been back. I've hidden it as best as I can, but with him right here in front of me, I can't.

The grip he has on me eases, and he pushes me away a little. I twist to face him and look up at his eyes, searching for any sign of deception or trick, but there's nothing.

He smiles loosely, keeping that distance between us. "Yeah, I walked away from you. But I had things that needed saying in my own life. I couldn't give you anything with that hunting me down. You understand?" Not really, but then I've only seen one version of his family. "I needed to kill that guy, the old me. I needed them to know he was dead, and I was something else now."

"And is he?"

"Yeah. They know it." His hand reaches forward, taking one of mine in his carefully. "And so now, if you're done being angry, maybe we could do something about me not walking away from you. We could find out who both of us are without my family owning anything about us. Maybe have a shot of something real? I'd like to go chase some of those dreams we talked about, together."

A smile lifts my lips. "Okay. But things need to be different than they started before." Doesn"t stop my feet moving me forward into him, though.

"We'll do different dates."

"And I'm still going to fight if you act like an arse."

He grins. "Wouldn't expect any different."

"And I want the truth, always, even if you think I won't like it."

"Done."

"And-" He brings his lips to mine, searing them with a kiss that banishes any thought of sorrow or pain. Excitement licks through my body as it comes alive, but before any real energy builds, his leg hooks around mine and he tilts me backwards to send me crashing to the mat. "Oh!"

He follows me down, pinning me with his weight.

"Let's re-do that welcome, shall we?"

I nod under him and smile.