Nineteen

The next few weeks are pale and gloomy. I spend my days inside the house, staring at the walls, watching movies in my room. Long naps in the afternoons are a good way to pass the time. Haru hasn't shown up since we said goodbye. Not that I'm expecting him to anymore. I'll still find myself waiting up for him sometimes. It's hard keeping people off your mind when they've taken so much space in it. I've been trying to forget about him. I take all the things he's made me, place them inside a box, and shove it far back in the closet.

I'm focusing more on myself these days. I started working on college applications again and sent some of them out. I even applied to a few places outside of Illinois, one of them in New York City. I'm not sure what I'll do if I get accepted. But I won't have to decide for a few months anyway. The film scholarship has been on my mind. The one I told Jasmine about. The deadline passed a few days ago and I never submitted anything. But they just sent out an email, extending the deadline to next week. This gives me another chance to produce something. While I don't have time to go out to film anything, I have folders of unused videos I could potentially piece together into something interesting. I just have to come up with an idea. I spend the next few days working on nothing else but the scholarship.

It's cold out when I arrive at the theater. I see my breath in front of me as I push through the doors. I've been taking on extra shifts at the box office. It's become the most consistent thing that gets me out of the house. I like the monotony of answering phones, handing out tickets, watching people come in and out of the lobby. It's also the only time I see Simon and Alex, my necessary dose of social interaction for the week.

The lobby quiets down when the show starts. I'm sitting at the counter, staring out at the entrance doors. Sometimes I'll catch myself looking for him. I wish I could get him out of my mind. I know he won't show up again…

"Are you still looking for that guy?"

Simon's voice pulls me back.

I turn away. "Don't know who you're talking about."

"The guy you're always waiting for," he says, leaning against the counter. His blue nail polish shimmers in the fluorescent light. "I figure it's the same one. Is he still ghosting you?"

"He isn't ghosting me."

"Then where is this mystery boy?"

I let out a breath. "He's not coming around anymore."

"Did you two end things?"

"No, it's… hard to explain."

"Well, I have plenty of time." Simon takes a seat next to me and gets comfortable. "Start from the beginning."

"Sorry to disappoint you," I say, leaning back in my chair. "But there isn't a story. We were never really together, to be completely honest."

"Were you in love with him?"

The question surprises me. Maybe because I never asked it myself. I stare at my hands, thinking about it. "Maybe I was. We spent a lot of time together. He made me forget about everything else, you know? He would disappear a lot, but was always there when I needed him. He was like my best friend, too. It's hard to find people who you connect with like that." I go still for a moment. "I'm starting to think I just imagined it all."

Simon nods thoughtfully. "People come in and out of our lives, you know? Sometimes for the better, and sometimes you wish it happened differently. It's just the way it is."

"How do you deal with it?"

"I just cut my losses," he says with a shrug. "Move on to the next guy who will probably disappoint me, too. It's the circle of life. I mean, how long are you gonna cry over the same guy? Throw that dead fish back in the sea."

I say nothing.

"And that's what we have friends for, anyway," he adds, playfully hitting my shoulder.

I smile a little.

Simon rises from his chair. "At the very least, you have to stop moping around here," he says. "You're killing the vibe." He grabs his phone from the counter. "Alex and I are going to a party tonight. It's at one of the crew's apartments in Hyde Park. You should come with us."

"I don't know if I'm up for that," I say.

Simon shakes his head. "It won't be like last time. My friend Scottie's at UChicago, so it's not all theater people. You don't need to dress to the nines. Unless you want to, of course. But there won't be any Christians there. As far as I know, anyway. I mean, what else are you gonna do? Stare longingly out the window all night?"

I let out another breath. I was planning to go home and watch another movie, maybe work on the film scholarship application. But Simon has already invited me out a few times. I don't want to keep saying no, especially when he's making the effort to hang out with me. It might be nice to take my mind off things for a couple of hours. "Okay, I'll come. But I probably can't stay too long."

Simon smiles. "Perfect. We can split an Uber."

We get off work a few hours later. I change my shirt and meet Simon at the corner, where the car is waiting for us. Alex texted us a few minutes ago, letting us know she's already on the way. It's still cold out, but I decide not to bring my jacket. I always end up forgetting it at these types of parties. The car drops us off in front of an apartment building that could be mistaken for a fraternity house. Ivy runs up and down the brick-red walls. I've never been to this side of Hyde Park before. We make our way inside and head to the second floor. There's more people here than I expected. The place is dimly lit, strings of blue lights hanging along the walls. At least the music isn't too loud. Simon hugs a few people, introducing me to everyone.

"This is Eric. He works the box office with me."

I keep looking around for Christian. Thankfully, I don't see him anywhere. I can't really imagine him at a place like this. He's probably at some fancy cocktail bar, drinking with the other guy I saw him with. I push the thought of him out of my mind. A moment later, Alex finds us near the Ping-Pong table that doubles as a second bar. She sets her drink down and puts her arm around me.

"When did you guys get here?" she asks.

"A few minutes ago," Simon says.

Alex glances at me. "What's wrong, Eric?"

"Some guy ghosted him," Simon whispers.

"Again?"

" Stop telling people that, " I say.

Simon and Alex give each other a look. Then Alex takes my hand, leading me to the other side of the room. "I want you to meet someone," she says.

"Okay…"

A dark-haired guy wearing an olive shirt is standing near the television. Alex grabs his shoulder, turning him around to face me. "This is my friend Jacob," she says. "He studies film here, isn't that right?"

"Art history."

"Same difference."

He holds out his hand. "What was your name?"

"Eric," I say.

We chat for a few minutes. Jacob is a sophomore at UChicago. Alex leaves us to get a drink, and we continue talking about recent movies we've seen. He has a Canon 5D Mark II and his favorite movie is Interstellar . To be honest, it's not the most riveting conversation. Jacob seems like a nice guy, but there's just no spark between us. Like two ships docked at different ports. He must feel the same, because at one point he checks his phone and tells me he has to meet a friend.

I wander around the party to see if I know anyone. There's a make-your-own-cocktail bar in the kitchen. But I don't really feel like drinking anything. I find Simon in the corner of another room, sitting rather closely with some guy, whispering into his neck. I leave him alone and go looking for Alex. There are so many rooms in this dorm. I can't seem to find her anywhere.

Another slow song comes on. I stand near the doorway, watching people pair up as the mood of the room changes. I know I haven't been here very long. But maybe I can slip out without anyone noticing. Simon seems distracted enough. Even Jacob appears to have found new company. He's making out with some random guy on the sofa. I stand there for a few more minutes, pretending to check my phone. Then I decide it's time to go.

The moment I step out of the apartment, someone calls my name. But the voice isn't familiar. I turn around and see someone coming toward me. The second I recognize who it is, I go completely still.

Leighton steps out of the apartment, letting the door close behind me. His blond hair looks almost yellow in the hallway light. I don't remember the last time we saw each other. It must have been the week after Daniel's death. For a brief moment, I consider turning down the stairwell, pretending I didn't hear him. But it's too late.

"Hey, man," he says. "Surprised to see you here."

"Yeah, same to you."

We don't shake hands or anything. Even though we both knew Daniel, we've only met a few times.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"Alright," I say.

Then the door opens again as another guy comes out behind him. He has short red hair and wears a gray crewneck. He must know Leighton because he walks right up to him.

Leighton puts his arm around him and says, "This is my boyfriend, Max. He's a sophomore here."

I look at him. "Your boyfriend?"

"Yeah, this is his place." He points back to the apartment.

Of all the parties to show up to. The universe truly has a sense of humor. "How long have you been together?"

"Almost a year now," he says.

"A year?"

I take this in for a moment. Because that doesn't makes sense. Daniel passed away a year ago. Unless Leighton started seeing this guy right after that. But how do you move on from someone that fast? Especially someone like Daniel. The moment it sinks in, my stomach starts to turn.

"Have a good night," I say abruptly.

I head downstairs and throw open the door. The temperature must have dropped, because it's freezing outside. I can't believe I didn't bring a jacket. My body shivers from the cold. The train stop is seven blocks from here. I cross my arms as I make my way down the street. The thought of Leighton fills me with anger. How could he forget about Daniel already? He basically moved on to some other guy the next day. Meanwhile, I barely go a second without thinking about him. I still look through photos of him when I'm alone. It only goes to show Leighton never cared about him the way I did. But I guess none of that ever mattered. Because Daniel still chose him in the end.

A large bus pulls up along the sidewalk. But it's not the kind you wait at a stop for. Then the door slides open, music playing from inside. I watch as people step down in pairs, all of them dressed up for what looks like a formal. I'm about to walk off when two guys come out, holding hands, making me pause again. The one with wispy brown hair looks so much like Daniel, I think it's him for a second. I stand completely still as he passes me, going toward the doors of the building, imagining it's me walking next to him.

As they head inside, I find myself alone again. The street is quiet as a feeling of loneliness moves through me. I turn down the sidewalk, wishing I could disappear from this. To another timeline where Daniel was still alive.

My phone chimes in my pocket. There's a new text message. It's from a number I don't recognize.

Guess who

I'll give you a hint

It's your neighborhood-spidey Nick

I stare at the message. Christian's friend Nick? I haven't heard from him since that night at the rooftop bar. How did he even get my number? Christian must have given it to him. I know I should probably block his number, too. But for some reason, I don't.

I'm not sure why I'm doing this, but I text him back instead.

hey!

what have you been up to?

Nick responds almost instantly.

waiting around for the chance to see you again

Let's grab a drink tonight

I hesitate. Then I send him another text.

where did you have in mind?

Nick sends me another text, along with a location ping. He wants to meet at a restaurant in Lincoln Park. The place is called Charles Tuesday. I think about Haru for a moment. He would disapprove of the decision I'm about to make. But he's not around anymore. So it doesn't matter. I put the location into my phone and head to the train station.