Twenty

Piano Sonata No. 11 is playing as I enter the restaurant. The place looks like where you'd host the after-party for the Met Gala. Chandeliers hang from an arched ceiling, illuminating the velvet furniture around the room. A woman in a cocktail dress directs me to the back, where Nick is already sitting at the bar. He waves me over as he rises to pull out my chair, kissing me on each cheek. "Sit yourself right here," he says, squeezing my shoulder affectionately. "I assume you want something fancy to drink."

I smile at him. "Yeah, that sounds good."

The bartender doesn't bother to check my ID. Something I noticed when I was around Christian was that you can get away with a lot of things when you have the pedigree. Nick is another example of this. He smiles warmly, taking a sip from his glass. His blond hair is brushed to one side, curling softly at the edges.

"You have to try this," he says.

"What is it?"

"A French martini. My drink of choice lately."

I take a small sip, tasting notes of raspberry. "Oh, it's pretty good."

"That's a Michelin star, coming from you, " Nick whispers. He nods at the bartender, ordering a second one.

A server brings out a tray of hors d'oeuvres. Tuna tartare and cucumber bites.

"Ordered these just for you," Nick says, resting an arm on the bar. "You like salmon, right? I remember you telling me."

"Yeah, I do."

He smiles again, taking another sip of his cocktail. "Well, what have you been doing these days? I need to know every detail, starting with your love life."

I shake my head. "There's no love life."

"I find that hard to believe, looking like you."

I can't help smiling at this. The bartender returns, setting down the drink that Nick ordered for me. Nick holds up his glass and says, "Cheers to our reunion."

Our glasses clink. My drink is somewhat smoky, but the notes of strawberry make it easy to go down. "What's in this again?"

"It's mezcal."

"I honestly can't tell there's alcohol in it."

"That's how you know it's good," he says with a smirk. He tips his glass to the man behind the bar. "You'd be hard-pressed to find a better bartender than Arthur here."

"So you come here a lot?"

"It's my favorite bar in all of Chicago." He leans forward. "I do my best to gatekeep this place, so let's keep this a little secret between us." He winks at me. "I like this shirt you're wearing. What event are you coming from?"

"Just some party in Hyde Park. But I didn't stay very long."

"Well, I'm glad you ended up here," he says.

"Yeah. I'm glad you texted me."

He holds up his glass again. "Cheers to us."

We chat for a while, enjoying our drinks. Nick asks endless questions about me. The schools I'm applying to, the major I'm interested in, where I see myself in ten years. "Goldman Sachs would be a dream," I say as seriously as possible, making him laugh hysterically. I enjoy his story about losing his phone in Aspen during his annual ski trip in November. Every time I'm halfway through my drink, he orders me another one. The attention feels good, especially from someone like Nick. I'm honestly having a great night, even though my thoughts are getting fuzzy. Nick never takes his eyes off me, always asking if I need anything else. Maybe I was too quick to judge him last time. He makes me feel more special than Christian did.

About an hour later, Nick calls for the check. The bartender brings out a rose macaron, which he tells us is on the house. Nick offers me the first bite, then pops the other half into his mouth. I check the time on my phone. It's almost eleven thirty now. The restaurant looks like it's closing soon.

"Why don't we head back to my place," Nick suggests.

"Do you live around here?"

"Only a block away."

"Oh, that's convenient," I say. Almost like he planned it.

I wasn't expecting to stay out this long. I should probably take the next train home, especially when my phone battery is running low. But I don't want the night to end, either. Maybe I could hang out for another hour. I don't realize how tipsy I am until I rise from my chair. Thankfully, Nick is there to walk me to the door. The moment we step outside, I notice something in the air.

" It's snowing, " I say.

"Better hurry to my place for cover."

Nick lives in a townhouse on Burling Street. I follow him up the steps as he unlocks the door with a passcode. The place is beautifully decorated with modern furniture. It's nowhere near the size of Christian's, but you could definitely host a big party. Especially with the built-in speakers on the wall. Nick disappears into the kitchen as I take a seat on the living room sofa. A moment later, he returns with two glasses of wine.

"One for you," he says.

"I'm not really a wine person."

"It's a Malbec. You'll like this one."

I take the glass, despite my better judgment. Nick puts on some music and sits close to me on the sofa. I can see the snow falling outside the window. It's nice to be out of the cold. One touch of his phone turns on the electric fireplace. We talk for a while, adding songs to a playlist he starts for me. Nick tells me about his art pieces, most of which were gifted to him. He points to the painting behind us. "That was done by this artist I met in Verona a few summers ago."

"He just gave it to you?"

"I might have paid in other ways," he says through a smirk.

We both chuckle at this. Nick rests his arm behind the sofa, inching closer to me. My face feels warm from the wine. Maybe I've had enough for tonight. I set the glass down on the coffee table. Then I lean back, feeling his arm around my shoulder. We look at each other. I can't deny how handsome he is, especially with those blue eyes. Nick runs a hand along my neck and whispers, "I love how soft your skin is."

"Thanks…" I breathe.

A smile rises across his face. Then he leans in to kiss me. His lips are sweet from the wine. I close my eyes for a moment, letting his hands pull me into him. I feel a rush of blood moving through me, the warmth of his body. Then his hands move down farther, slowly lifting my shirt… But I stop him there.

He looks at me. "What's the matter?"

"I wasn't expecting to…"

Nick kisses me again. I turn my face away.

"Maybe we shouldn't," I say.

"Come on," he says, leaning in again.

But I push him back a little. "Sorry. I don't know if I want to tonight."

"You're serious?"

He stares at me intently. Maybe he's expecting me to change my mind. But I don't say another word. Then he releases a breath, straightening himself up. He grabs his phone, turning off the music.

"Why don't you go then," he says.

"Uh, what?" I stutter.

"I said you should go."

I don't know what to say. It's still snowing outside. I haven't thought about how I would get home. "I'm sorry if I…"

"Just get your stuff." The warmth in his voice is gone. He's like a different person.

"Sorry," I say again.

I rise from the sofa, feeling light-headed. The room is twirling a little, making it hard to stand straight. I wish I didn't drink that last glass of wine. I shouldn't have had anything to drink at all. I grab my phone that's dead and look for my shoes. Nick opens the door as I'm still struggling with the laces. Then I step out into the cold.

"Thanks for inviting—"

The door slams in my face.

I stand on the steps for a moment. Then I turn around, facing the cold as I make my way down the street. Snow falls on my head and shoulders. I can't believe Nick threw me out without a jacket. I should have just gone home instead of coming here. I wish I'd never responded to him in the first place.

The streets are covered with snow. I'm not sure which way is home. My phone is dead, so I can't look up the nearest train stop. I've never been to this side of Lincoln Park. I can barely read the street signs. My vision is blurred from the tears that are falling. I don't know if I'm going the right way. I feel completely lost, wishing someone would come find me.

My body is trembling now. I don't know how far I've walked. But it feels like I'm about to fall over. The world is spinning around me, making it hard to keep my eyes open. I stumble upon an empty bench in the middle of the park. The next thing I know, I've laid myself down, ignoring the snow. There's nothing I can do about it, anyway. At least the alcohol has numbed me from the cold. I can't feel anything except the emptiness inside me.

Where did you go, Haru? I wish I could see you one more time.

Streetlights swirl above me. I take a deep breath and finally close my eyes. The snow continues to fall, settling over me like a thin blanket. I feel my body slowly shutting down. I don't care what happens to me tonight. All I want is to fall asleep and disappear from the world. I'm tired of waiting for people who are never coming. As my mind slowly drifts off, everything around me fades to nothing.

The sound of footsteps wakes me up. For a second, I think I'm dreaming. Maybe a branch fell from one of the trees. Or maybe it's Haru, coming to find me. I open my eyes slowly. Someone is standing beside the bench. It's too blurry to make out a face. Then my vision clears, letting me see her perfectly. I rub my eyes, wondering what she's doing here. Jasmine's hair glows slightly from the light reflected off the snow. She's more slender than I remember, and her skin is pale. She doesn't say anything at first. She stares at me for a moment. Then she brushes snow off the bench and says, "Mind if I sit here with you?"

I push myself up, letting her take a seat beside me. It's silent for a moment, snow falling gently around us. I'm not sure how she found me. My phone is still dead. How would she even know I was lost? Isn't she supposed to be on the other side of the world right now?

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"I came to see you," she says.

"How did you find me?"

"It wasn't too hard." She smiles at me, moving her hair behind her ear. "What are you doing, sleeping on a bench?"

"I got lost."

"How long have you been out here?"

"I don't know. A while."

"Need me to show you the way home?"

When I don't answer this, Jasmine leans back and takes a breath. There's a long silence. Then she says, "Maybe it's time you and I finally talk. You can't avoid it forever."

I say nothing.

"Why won't you just say it?"

I don't want to have this conversation. But maybe she's right. Maybe avoiding it is only making it worse. "Because I'm not ready to believe it," I admit.

"Believe what?"

"That you're gone, too."

The words echo through me. I never thought I'd say it out loud. Jasmine stares at me for a moment. Then she leans forward and says, "I'm right here…"

"No, you're not." I shake my head. "You're not here at all. You left just like Daniel did." There's a pain in my throat, making it hard to speak. "Why did you have to leave me? I don't have anyone left."

Jasmine takes my face in her hands and says, "I'm so sorry, Eric. For leaving you this way. You know that was the last thing I wanted to do. To have you go through this alone. I can't imagine all the pain you're going through. I know it seems unfair, losing the people you love. Losing me." She wipes a tear from my cheek. "But I need you to remember that you didn't lose everything. It may be hard to see now, but there is so much left for you in the world. So much to live for still. All the people who love you. You just have to let them in. You have a whole life ahead of you. Even if I'm not in it."

"But I don't want you to go," I say.

Jasmine takes my hands, holding them tight. "You have every right to go through this your own way. Even if that means living inside your head, pretending everything is alright. But you can't keep it bottled up forever. There comes a time when you have to look around you and face what's real. And I think it's time now."

I take this in. "It's easier to pretend…"

"I know it is," Jasmine says. "That's why I left those letters for you. So we can always stay in touch. Why haven't you read them yet?"

"Because I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"That reading them will make it more real," I manage to say.

Jasmine puts her arms around me. She wipes my tears off again. "I understand that. But I think it's time for you to read them now."

I swallow my breath.

"Promise me, okay?"

Tears are swelling behind my eyes. "I promise."

"I want you to do one more thing for me now," she says.

"What is it?"

Jasmine leans back, taking my face in her hands again. Her voice is strangely calm when she says, "I need you to wake up and go home…"

At first, I don't know what she means. Before I can say something, the night suddenly fades around me, blurring my vision. All I hear is Jasmine's voice, filling the spaces of my head as everything goes dark again.

I need you to wake up and go home…

I open my eyes and find myself alone on the bench. It's still dark out. My hands are cold as I push myself up slowly, holding in a shiver. I glance at the other side of the bench. The blanket of snow is untouched, as if no one had sat there. My breath turns to mist in front of me. How long have I been asleep out here? I stare at the bench for a long moment. Then I rise to my feet, slowly making my way to the train station.

I head straight to my room when I get home. Everything is exactly as I left it this morning. I remember my conversation with Jasmine. I think it's time I keep my promise. I turn on a single desk lamp, opening one of the drawers. The letters are all there, folded inside white envelopes with a flower embossed in the top corner. My name and the date appear on each one in Jasmine's handwriting. I'm sorry I put this off for so long. But it's always better late than never. I take a seat on the bed, finally ready to read them.

Dear Eric,

If you're reading this, I guess it means we didn't get our miracle. I'm sorry to start it off this way. I wish I could be there instead, sitting next to you. Sometimes life gives us battles that we end up losing. As much as we try to fight through it. I promise you I fought my hardest, okay? But this letter isn't meant to be about apologies or what could have been. The last thing I want is for you to be sad when you read this. That's not why I'm writing to you. I want to leave something behind that will give you a piece of joy. Something for you to look forward to, especially in the moments you're feeling down. Think of it as my way of popping into the world, just to say hi. That way I'm not completely gone, okay?

I know this isn't going to fix everything. I could write you a million letters, but it won't be the same as before. I know that. I also know life is going to throw more things at you, and I wish I could be there to shield you from all of it. Through all the heartbreaks and times you feel you're lost in the world. All the rejections and boys you'll meet who don't deserve you. The struggles we all deal with throughout our lives that sometimes appear much larger in the moment than they are. I would remind you how incredible you are, to never let anyone make you feel small and unworthy of love. I'm sorry you're losing an older sister who would do anything to protect you. That's why I asked Kevin to look after you when I'm gone. Think of him as an older brother, okay? He cares so much about you, and I hope you know that. In my absence, I hope you'll still spend time together. He might need you, too. So keep him close.

And no matter what, I want you to stay in touch with Mom and Dad. I know they're hard to talk to sometimes, but they just express their love in different ways. That is one favor I ask of you here. Sit down for dinner every once in a while, okay? It reminds them how much you love them. I don't want them to think they've lost you, too.

This also isn't the last letter you'll get from me. Don't worry about how or when they'll come. Just know that you'll be hearing from me again, okay? I love you so much, Eric. I wish I had told you this more often. You're the best brother I could have asked for and I'm lucky to have you in my life.

There's one more thing I want to give you. It's in my room. I need you to go inside and turn on the keyboard. There are a set of buttons from one to seven. You can listen to them in any order, just press play.

Love you always,

Jasmine

I take the letter to Jasmine's room. It feels strange to be in here again. I turn on a lamp and sit at the keyboard. I read over the letter one more time, following her instructions as I press play. A second later, her voice comes through.

"Hey… it's Jasmine. You're probably not expecting this, huh? That must mean you got my letter. Or maybe you stumbled on this by accident while playing in my room. Either way, I'm leaving this for you." A pause. "I'm sure things still hurt right now. So I thought about what I could give that would make it feel like I was still there. What's a piece of me I could leave behind? Then I remembered, the song I played for you. The one you inspired. You don't know this, Eric, but you've inspired a lot of my songs. I never got the chance to play them all for you. So I want to play them for you now. Who knows, maybe they'll inspire you the same way you did for me."

Another pause.

"Anyway, this is for you. I hope you like it…"

As I sit there, tears swelling in my eyes, piano music slowly fills the room. It's a familiar song, like the one that's been following me around everywhere. But this time, it's not in my head. The music is real. I can feel it moving through me. I close my eyes, imagining Jasmine's fingers dancing across the keys. For a moment, it's as if she's here in the room with me.

I'm so lost in the memories, I don't hear Mom and Dad come through the door. They must have heard the music from their room, wondering where it was coming from. When was the last time any of us woke up to Jasmine playing the piano? They don't have to ask what I'm listening to, or how I found this. They know this music the same way they can recognize her voice. Mom and Dad sit beside me at the keyboard. Dad places a hand on my shoulder, Mom resting her head against mine. No words are needed as we listen to Jasmine's recording, crying together for the first time.

I sit at my desk the next morning.

Dear Jaz,

I miss you. I think about you every day. I still wake up to the realization that you're not here anymore. That it wasn't some dream. That I can't call you up and ask what you're doing. That I'm never going to see you again.

I know it's been seven months now, but I'm still not used to a world without you in it. It's hard to accept the reality that you're really gone. I still text you every now and then. I even imagine what you would write back. Sometimes I go to Uncle Wong's Palace and pretend you're there. That you're sitting right next to me. I always order the pineapple fried rice because I know it's your favorite. It makes me feel less alone when I talk to you, even though no one's there.

You don't know this, but I was mad at you for a while. For leaving me when I needed you most. I had already lost Daniel out of the blue. Why did you suddenly have to go, too? It was like everyone I cared about was taken from me and I couldn't do anything about it. I know it's not your fault. But some days it's easier to just pretend none of it happened. I even made up this story where you left to pursue your dreams in music. I preferred the alternate world where you still existed, even if we couldn't see each other. But I know I can't stay in this forever. I know you want me to keep living my life. I know you want me to be happy. Even though it seems impossible right now.

Thanks for writing all your letters. You don't know how much they mean to me. I'm sorry it took so long for me to read them. But I think you probably understand why now. I just wanted to pretend for a little longer. That's why I'm writing back so late. I just needed a little more time. Thank you for pulling me back to the world. I guess you're still there for me, even if I can't see you.

I'm lucky I had you in my life, too. You were more than a sister to me. You were my best friend. Will miss you forever.

Love always,

Eric

Dear Kevin,

I know it's been a while since we've spoken. I hope it's okay that I'm writing to you instead of calling. I'm sorry about what happened a few weeks ago. How I ran off when you were only trying to help me. I'm sorry for the things I said, too. You didn't do anything to deserve that. I truly hope you can forgive me.

I wanted to talk with you about this in person. But I thought it would be easier to write it down first. The reason I didn't want to see you these past several months. Why I've been ignoring all your messages. The way I've been treating you lately. The truth is, seeing you without Jasmine only reminded me she was gone. If I'm being honest with you, that's something I still haven't fully accepted yet. I thought it would be easier to avoid if I avoided you, too. Because I've never known you without her. That was unfair of me, trying to erase you from my life. I guess I forgot that you also lost Jasmine. And maybe you needed me, too.

When Jasmine passed away, I wasn't sure if I'd ever hear from you again. So I was surprised when you kept reaching out. You've always offered to be there for me, even when I couldn't in return. That's why I'm writing to you now. To apologize for before. So I hope it's not too late. I hope we get a chance to talk again. And I hope you'll forgive me.

Anyway, I'm grateful that Jaz had you in her life. I know she truly loved you. Thank you for being a part of our family.

Love,

Eric

Dear Daniel,

I know you'll never read this, but I wanted to write to you anyway. It's been over a year now since you died. Your birthday passed a couple months ago. It was the first one I had to celebrate without you. Don't think I forgot about you, okay? I got your favorite cupcake from Lily's and brought it up to the rooftop like we always do. I even got you a present. It's that shirt from the Crying Fish concert. I'm sad you'll never get to wear it, though. It's still hard to believe you're not around. That we're not going to college together like we planned. I swear every guy who has your hair, or wears the same red sweatshirt, makes me forget you're gone for a second because I want it so badly to be you. We never got the chance to say goodbye. I never got the chance to say a lot of things. So I thought maybe I would say some of them here.

I'm sorry about the way things ended between us. Those last few weeks where we stopped talking to each other. How could I have known that would be our last time together? I regret it every single day. Not putting things aside for once, hoping you would reach out to me first. It's probably not a surprise that I was in love with you. I was never really good at hiding that. And that I was hurt you found someone else and didn't tell me about it. I know that was selfish of me, though. I should have been happier for you. I shouldn't have let it change anything. I should have appreciated our friendship the way I do now. The way you always did, even at times when I didn't deserve you. But you were always there at the end of the day. Showing up unannounced sometimes. Inviting me to the dance at the last minute. I miss that about you. I'm sad we never got our first dance. But I'm truly grateful for everything else. You'll always be my best friend. And I'll never forget you, okay? I hope you don't forget about me, either.

Love,

Eric