Eighteen

I wake up in Jasmine's room the next morning. The light from the window makes me squint. I touch my left temple, feeling an ache from the night before. How long have I been lying in bed? And where's my phone? I push myself up and look around the room. I must have wandered in here by mistake. There's something folded on the end of the bed. It's the jacket Jasmine borrowed from me. I stare at it for a moment. She must have returned it after bringing me home last night.

I don't remember what happened after leaving the diner. There's a slight pain in my left side, making it hard to sit up. Maybe I tripped on something and knocked myself out. That wouldn't be the first time that happened. I think back to my conversation with Jasmine. Wasn't her flight leaving today? Maybe that means she's already gone. I run my hand over the jacket and glance around the room. A bar of sunlight shines on her piano. If I close my eyes, I can see her sitting at the bench, playing one of her songs. But it's only me in here.

The house is empty this morning. No television on in the living room, no one washing dishes in the kitchen. Then I remember my dream of Haru. Maybe he left something here for me. But there's nothing waiting for me at my desk. I wish I hadn't treated him the way I did last night. Especially when he was only trying to help me.

I stare at the paper star at the window. The one he made me a while ago. There are so many things I wish I could say to him. Hopefully I'll see him again soon. But Haru doesn't show up tonight. He doesn't come back the next day, either. Or the day after that. But I keep on waiting for him.

The next few weeks move by slowly. I go to work and back home and the day starts over again. I try to keep myself busy, working on college applications, watching movies on my phone until I fall asleep. It's been raining a lot lately. I always look to see if Haru is waiting across the street after work but he's never there. There's no folded paper waiting on my desk when I get home. I go to bed alone and wake up with no one beside me.

Sometimes I go looking for him. I head to Millennium Park and walk around the Bean at night. When it's pouring, I bring an umbrella and hope I find him sitting on one of the benches. Maybe if I wait long enough, he'll show up again. We can grab deep-dish pizza at Lou Malnati's. But the days keep passing with no sign of him anywhere. Every couple days, I go to the same café and sit at the same table where he first found me. But Haru never comes through the door. No matter how long I stay there.

What if I never see him again? I think back to the gallery opening, when we were sitting together at the piano. I should never have left him there. If I knew our time would be this short, I would have spent every second with him, memorizing the lines around his mouth when he smiles, or how his hair falls across his eyes when he's playing the piano.

I blocked Christian's number a few days ago. Not that I was expecting to hear from him again. I finally returned all the clothes I bought to impress him. I don't know what I was thinking pretending to be someone else. No matter how much I try to be one of them, I'll always be an outsider looking in.

Things felt easy when I was with Haru. I didn't need to change myself around him. I look down at the red bracelet we got together in Japan. I still wear it every day. He's never disappeared for this long before. A part of me wonders if he was ever here at all. Then I touch the paper flower I keep with me, reminding myself it was real. I just thought we had more time together. Where did you go this time? Will I ever see you again?

There's a stationery store near the theater. I stumbled upon it on my way home a few days ago. It's always closed by the time I get out of work. Sometimes I like to stop and look through the window. Everything inside reminds me of Haru. " My family owns a shop like this in Osaka, " he once told me. " You don't find a lot of them around anymore. I always make sure to buy something, even if it's just a piece of paper. "

Another memory comes to me. Haru holds his hand out at the train station; the piece of paper flutters between his fingers. "I wanted to give you this before you left," he says quickly. "So we can stay connected." Then the breeze picks up, pulling the paper into the air as the doors close between us.

I wonder where I would be now if it never flew out of my hands. Maybe it's still floating around somewhere, waiting for me to catch it. As I think about what he might have written, an idea comes to me. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. The next morning, I return to the stationery store before work and buy some paper. At lunch, I find a pen and sit at the counter. Maybe it's my turn to leave a note.

But what should I say to him?

Dear Haru,

I'm so sorry. I never should have left you that night. I've replayed that scene in my head a thousand times imagining different endings. I hope you can find a way to forgive me. Until then, I'll be waiting every day.

I hope you keep your promise.

x Eric

I fold the note in half and tuck it into my pocket. Later that night, I watch a few video tutorials about how to fold a paper rose. Then I leave it on my desk with my note inside. I know it's not as pretty as the flowers that Haru folds for me, but I hope he finds this anyway. I fall asleep that night dreaming about him.

It's drizzling the next morning. I'm half soaked when I arrive at the theater. Alex called in sick, so it's just me and Simon at the box office. It's a typical afternoon, assigning will-call tickets while Simon gossips about the actors in the show. He says there's some new drama with the cast.

" Maria's pregnant, " Simon says, pausing for dramatic effect. "At least, that's what everyone thinks. Why else would she be missing for the rest of the show?"

"Who's that again?"

"She's Camille's understudy —" He throws a bag of chocolate-covered almonds at me. "How many times do I have to tell you this?"

I glance at the bag of almonds. "Where did this come from?"

"Don't worry about it. There's beef jerky if you want some." Simon sits on the counter and takes a sip of his iced coffee. "Anyway, back to the story. Now, you didn't hear this from me, but we think the father could be Philip."

"I thought Philip was engaged to Camille—"

He nods. " Exactly. "

I take this in. "How do you know all this?"

"What do you mean, I don't know anything," Simon says as he looks around the lobby, in case someone is listening. "I also don't know that Philip's car has been parked outside Maria's building all weekend. Keep in mind, this comes after rumors of them checking into the Waldorf together a few weeks ago. But that's not even the crazy part." Simon leans forward, keeping his voice low. "They found walnuts in Camille's chicken salad the other day, when everyone knows she's deathly allergic. I hear there's a police investigation."

I gasp. "Oh my god."

"I'm telling you, Eric, you can't write the stuff that happens around here." Simon takes another sip of his drink, crossing one leg over the other. "Which reminds me. What's the update with you and Christian?"

I sigh. "I told you, I blocked his number."

"I'm just making sure," he says, stirring his straw around. "I still can't believe you didn't keep his jacket. We could have sold it to one of those resellers." He shakes his head, sighing. "I also heard he's been making his rounds through the cast, if you know what I mean."

It stings to know this, even though we were never together. "Simon—I'm trying not to think about him, remember?"

Simon nods. "You're right, he's dead to us. We won't bring him up again. Unless he actually dies or something."

"I appreciate that."

"Who's the other guy on your mind?"

I look at him. "What do you mean?"

"You're clearly thinking about someone," he says. "I'm assuming it's another boy, the way you've been moping around here. Staring longingly outside, as if you've been stood up. I also saw you writing that love letter yesterday."

The paper rose for Haru. It was still on my desk when I left this morning. "It wasn't a love letter."

"Then who was it for?"

I'm not sure what to say.

"I'm being intrusive again?" Simon asks.

"No, it's okay," I say, shrugging it off. "It's just a friend of mine. From last summer. We talk here and there. But I haven't seen him in a while."

"Why don't you just text him?"

I wish it could be that simple, sending Haru a message. It's like he disappeared to another universe I can't reach. But I can't tell Simon any of this. "It's complicated." I sigh. "We didn't exactly leave things on the best note."

"Do you think you'll see him again?"

I stare at the floor. "I don't really know."

Simon doesn't ask more questions. He climbs off the counter, squeezing one of my shoulders. "I'm sorry you're going through this. We all do. But you'll find someone new."

I don't say anything else. Because I don't want someone else. I want to find Haru again. A moment later, the phone rings. I let Simon answer it and take my seat at the counter. The rest of the shift is pretty quiet. I glance at the doors from time to time, hoping to see a glimpse of someone familiar.

The sun is going down as I leave the theater. Simon invited me out with his friends, but I told him I had plans tonight. Truth is, I'm waiting outside for Haru again. What if he shows up this time and I'm not here? The sidewalk is glistening as the wind blows leaves everywhere. I stand under the marquee and stare at the blinking traffic. I know there are better uses of my time. But the thought of losing him makes me feel more alone.

The hours pass like seconds. Sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in this spot while the rest of the world is moving around me. It looks like the rain might start up again. Maybe he's not coming back tonight either. As I finally turn to leave, the sound of a bell goes off, echoing through the air. Could that be…

I spin around as a bicycle zooms past me, splashing rain on my shoes. I look around for Haru, but he's not there. Of course that wasn't him. I should stop getting my hopes up. As I'm walking away, someone calls my name.

"Eric."

I pause on the sidewalk. For a second, I think I've imagined the voice. It wouldn't be my first time hearing things. As I turn around, my heart stops. Haru is standing on the other side of the street, one hand in his pocket.

We stare at each other as cars pass between us. The moment the light changes, I rush toward him immediately.

" Haru! " I throw my arms around him, nearly knocking us both over. I don't even care if anyone is watching. " It's really you. "

"Did you miss me?" Haru says, pulling me into him.

More than you know. "Of course I did," I say breathlessly. Relief floods through me as I hold him tight. I can't believe he came back to me. I close my eyes for a second, letting the rest of the world curve away from us. "I looked everywhere for you. Where on earth have you been?"

"You were looking for me?" he asks. "Thought you might not have noticed I was gone."

"Why would you think that?"

"You told me to leave you alone, remember?"

I stare at him, wishing I could take it all back. "You know I didn't mean that—"

"It's alright," he says, quickly tousling my hair. "I know you didn't."

"Thanks for coming back."

Haru looks down, pressing his lips together. "Listen, Eric…"

"Wait—"

This is my chance to show how much I want to make it up to him. "I wrote a list of things we can do," I say, feeling my back pockets. "I have it here somewhere. I was thinking we could go to this music festival that's happening in the park. Oh, and there's a paper exhibit at this museum that I know you would love to see." Where did I put that list?

"We can't do that."

"Of course we can," I tell him. This is going to be a new beginning for us. This time I'll make sure to put him first. "I know it's raining a little, but they might be playing a movie in the park soon. Let's go—"

I take Haru's hand, turning toward the park. But his fingers slip through mine. I look back at him. "Is something wrong?"

"I can't go with you," he says.

"Why not?"

"Because I only came back to say goodbye."

Raindrops fall against my skin. "Goodbye? You just got here."

"I know that," he says, letting out a breath. "But I can't stay long."

"Then we can do something else," I suggest. "We don't have to see a movie if you don't want to. We can always do that when you're back."

"I'm not coming back."

I go quiet for a moment, unsure what he means by this. "What are you talking about?"

"I said I'm not coming back."

A chill goes through me. I wait for him to say more but he doesn't. "You're scaring me here. Is this about Christian? Because I don't even talk to him anymore. I promise I won't—"

"It's not about him," he says.

"Then what is it? Why are you leaving?"

Haru doesn't answer this, making my stomach sink. The rain continues to fall around us. He moves my hair out of my face and says, "I'm not mad at you, alright? But you know this couldn't be forever. Don't want to keep you from your life."

"But you're a part of my life," I tell him. "What are you trying to say?"

Haru lets out a breath. "You know we can't be together. That I would have to go eventually. I realized there are things I could never do for you. I'll always be a paper flower in your life, and you deserve a real one."

I love his paper flowers. Doesn't he understand this?

I let go of his hand. "Don't say that. I don't want you to go. I don't need anything else from you. Don't you care about me?"

Haru takes my face in his hands, raindrops bouncing off his skin. "In another world, I would spend every second with you. But I don't want you to live in that world. I don't want you to spend your life waiting for me."

There's a pain in my chest. I thought we had a second chance to fix things. He's been gone for weeks. Now he's come back just to say goodbye? I swallow my breath and say, "Okay, fine. If that's what you really think. You can go then."

"I don't want us to leave things like this." Haru reaches for my hand.

But I step away from him. "You're the one ending this," I remind him. "I guess I shouldn't be that surprised, though. That someone else in my life is leaving me." I never thought it would be you .

"I'm sorry," he says.

We stare at each other. At this point, I'm glad it's raining. So he can't see the tears coming down. "It doesn't matter. You can just go."

The streetlights come on, illuminating the trees that line the path. When I think there's nothing more to say, I turn around and head off. Maybe a part of me thinks Haru will stop me. But there's no hand on my shoulder, no voice calling after me as I'm walking away. I don't bother to turn around, checking if he's still standing there. Because there's nothing I can do to make him stay.

I only wish you'd told me sooner. So I didn't have to wait for you.