13. August

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

AUGUST

K nock, knock, knock.

"Dude, Griff, be home because I fucking need to talk to you!" I shout at his door as I stand outside his apartment sans patience. I think I might be going crazy.

Everything is fine.

It's going to be fine.

I just need a plan.

Everything will be just fine.

"Yeah, no. Affirmations aren't doing it for me," I mumble and then knock on the door again." Why isn't he fucking answering?"

I rap on the door three more times but still no answer. "Dammit! Where are you?"

"I'm right here, dumbass." I turn where I'm standing to find Griffin and Ledger walking toward me from the stairwell, both a sweaty mess with towels around their necks.

"Where the hell have you been?" I scowl.

Griffin cocks his head and gives me an amused look. "Sorry…Mom. We were downstairs in the gym. Why?"

"Then why didn't you take the elevator?"

Ledger laughs. "Did you not read the sign?" He gestures to the large white paper taped to the elevator doors. "It's being serviced this evening."

"Dude, what is wrong with you?" Griffin asks with a shake of his head.

My lungs feel like they've closed up entirely as I struggle to take a steady breath. "I…I… "

God I might throw up.

"Griff he doesn't look good," Ledger says as I bend at the waist and try to steady my breathing. Griffin brushes past me and quickly unlocks his door pushing it open for me.

"Get in here."

He and Ledger toss their gym bags by the door and Griffin heads to his kitchen to grab a couple bottles of water. He offers me one and I gladly accept, twisting off the cap and guzzling nearly the entire bottle. Ledger sits in one of Griffin's bar stools and pulls one up for me as well.

"Sit, Blackstone."

I do as he says and take a seat at the bar looking into Griffin's kitchen.

"You want to tell us what's got you so tied up in knots?" Griffin asks.

"Yeah, man, I don't think I've ever seen you this way. Pissed usually, yeah, but you look like you're about to fall apart."

My mouth is so fucking dry. Like I haven't had a drop of liquid in weeks. I take another swig of my water and swish it around in my mouth before swallowing it down and finally saying, "I fucked up."

"You fucked up," Griffin repeats, deadpanned.

"Yeah. I fucked up."

A silence falls over us before Ledger chuckles and says, "Bro, we're going to need a little more than just ‘I fucked up.' How did you fuck up? What happened?"

"She's on a date," I finally spit out.

"Who's on a date?"

"Ella!"

"Oooh," Ledger says, his features softening.

"That doesn't make sense," Griffin adds, his eyes narrowing. "What does that have to do with you fucking up? Did you say something to her?"

"No. I think it's what I didn't say to her."

He crosses his arms over her chest. "Alright. Explain."

"Last week, in Vancouver," I start. "She slept with me."

Griffin's eyes bulge and an excited grin spreads across his face. "DUDE! You didn't tell us th?—"

"No, not like that. I mean she slept with me. Like we've done at home a few times. Just sleeping. That's all."

His face falls and his brows furrow. "Oh."

"Except it wasn't just sleeping. It was…fucking weird but not fucking weird at the same time and then it was fucking awkward and?—"

"Whoa." Ledger holds his hands up in front of him. "Slow down. Take a deep breath and tell us what happened."

"She was reading this article on her phone. Something about guys needing to make their partners orgasm before they do."

Ledger smirks. "That girl's got some kink. I like it."

"It was just Cosmo magazine. Nothing out of the ordinary, but when she brought it up I told her I agreed with those men."

"As you should because duh."

"Right. But then it came out that she's never had an orgasm brought on by a dick."

Ledger blinks.

Griffin blinks.

"I'm sorry, what?" he asks.

"You heard me."

"She's never had an orgasm by dick?"

"Correct."

Ledger clears his throat. "Is she a virgin?"

"Nope."

"More than one partner?"

"That's what I asked her. And she said yes. And it's not like we've never talked about sex over the years so I know she's had sexual partners but the minute she told me that the men in her life have basically used her as a goddamn dumpster I…" I shake my head. "Well, it was two-fold. One, I immediately felt bad for every woman I ever fucked in a public bathroom stall or alley behind the bar."

The guys chuckle but give me an understanding nod.

"And two, I was blown away and fucking pissed for Ella. That someone…no, multiple men would treat her that way makes me want to fucking punch someone."

"I get it." Griffin nods. "You care a lot about her. Of course, that news would shock you."

"So, then she asks me what she's been doing wrong all these years which broke my fucking heart for her and then asked me what I do with women that makes it so much better than what she was describing."

"Oh boy." Griffin shakes his head with a knowing smile. "Tell me you didn't."

I toss up my hands. "How could I not tell her? She wanted to know!"

"Okay," Ledger says, watching me. "But how detailed did you get?"

"Pretty fucking detailed. And she was right there in my bed and I had my hands on her skin and we just kept getting closer and closer and I didn't know if I was doing that or if it was her but by the time I was done describing everything to her, my hands were dangerously close to places they shouldn't have been but want so badly to go, our pulses were racing, and she looked up at me with these sweet but sexy eyes like she wanted it. Like she was asking for it. Like my kissing her would've been the perfect way to end the night and she would've allowed it!"

"So, you fucked up by kissing her," Griffin says matter of factly.

"No! I fucked up by not kissing her!"

"Oh shit," Ledger says. "So, she was expecting a kiss and you didn't go for it."

"Yes."

"Why not?"

"I don't know!" I slap my hand down on the bar in front of me. "Because I'm a fucking scared pansy ass idiot when it comes to her. Because I'm so fucking scared of crossing a line we've never crossed that I talked myself out of it but believe me I wanted too. I wanted her so badly and I had her right fucking there! I could've done it. I could've touched her. I could've kissed her. I could've rolled her over and shown her all the ways I would pleasure her. But I didn't. Because I'm a goddamn fucking chicken."

Griffin finally comes around the bar from his kitchen and pulls up a stool next to me. "Do you want my advice or do you just want to vent?"

"If you have advice, I'll gladly take it."

"You're in love with your best friend, August."

"I'm not in?—"

"Bro," he tells me with a cock of his head. "You're so head over heels for her it's not even funny. We all see it. You're the only one who doesn't see it…except that I think somewhere down deep you do see it. You feel it. Otherwise, none of this would've ever happened the way you just explained it and you wouldn't give two shits. You haven't even as much as thought about seeking out another woman since before Ella moved to Anaheim. The August we know…or knew…wouldn't have cared if someone was living with him or not. If he wanted to get laid, he would've gotten himself laid."

I glance at Ledger who nods in agreement. "He's right, man."

"But you haven't even thought about it," Griffin continues. "Because Ella means something to you. She means enough that you've changed your lifestyle because of her. And that's not a terrible thing. But if you don't just go for it and see what happens, you're going to resent her for the decisions you're making and that's not fair to her. If you want her, tell her. If you want to kiss her, ask her fucking permission first and then kiss her. See what happens." He shrugs. "It's not like you two haven't ever kissed before."

"That was a long time ago. We were kids."

He shrugs. "And now you're adults. Big deal. Either it's going to work or it's not, but how will you ever know if you don't try? Just be man enough to respect her feelings in the end. Even if you try and things don't work out. Because she's on our team now and she's not going away. And we protect what's ours at all costs."

Even though it causes me nearly crippling fear to think about Ella and I not working out, I also can't fathom a time in my life past, present, or future, where I wouldn't want her around. Ella Montgomery is my life. She's my home. She always has been and she always will be.

My heart rate finally comes down the longer we sit here. Chatting with some of the guys whose opinions matter most to me helps me feel less anxious. "What about this date she's on?"

"You don't have anything to worry about," Griffin assures me.

"Are you sure."

Ledger scowls. "Nah. Fuck that guy. He's not the one."

I chuckle at his curt response. "What makes you so certain?"

"Because the one for her is sitting right in front of me. She just doesn't know it yet."

Much calmer now after a workout, a long hot shower, and a few beers, I slip on my pair of gray sweatpants reminding myself that just because my best friend is out on a date tonight doesn't mean I can't look like the sexy mother fucker I know I can be when she gets home.

If she comes home.

Recalling her words as we argued her first night here, I cringe at the thought that I upset her and wish I could take it all back.

"Sleep with whoever you want. It's none of my business but ? —"

"That's right. It's none of your business, but alright. I'll play by your rules, August. So, just so you know, when I don't come home one night it's because I'm obviously out having the best fuck of my life."

Ugh. The fact she might not walk through those doors tonight has me nauseous. I can feel the anxiety creeping up my body, but I shake it off as best I can.

"She's coming home tonight," I tell myself. "She's coming home to me."

I take a look at my reflection in the bedroom mirror noting all the parts of me that I know ladies check out. And I know this because some women have no shame hiding behind their keyboards on the internet.

Sculpted chest? Check.

Abs for days? Check.

That special V that points to my junk? Yep.

Happy trail? Got that too.

No underwear? Fucking better believe it.

Eat your heart out ladies.

With the night off from a game, and knowing Ella was going on a date, I had originally planned to hang out at home to watch the Red Tails play Seattle since they come to us next week; however, after my small meltdown with Griff and Ledger earlier, they insisted we all watch the game together upstairs in the Clubroom. Something about making sure I don't drink myself into oblivion when I'm all up in my feelings.

"Like I would do that," I mumble, slipping a t-shirt over my head before grabbing my phone, my keys, and another bottle of beer and then heading upstairs.

"Blackstone," Harrison nods as I open the Clubhouse door and step inside. "Nice of you to show up."

"And looking so fucking hot, might I add." Griffin winks at me knowing damn well why I chose the outfit I'm wearing.

"Don't hate me for being the hottest one on the team."

"Pfft." I glance across the room at an amused Bear. "Don't flatter yourself pretty boy."

"Hey Bear." I gesture to the oversized television screen attached to the wall where Zeke Miller, goalie for the Chicago Red Tails, is warming up. "How come when you do that groin warm up, it's not as sexy as when Zeke Miller does it?"

Bear flips me off and grins proudly. "Is it laundry day, Blackstone?" he asks me.

"No. Why?"

"Well, I couldn't help but notice a certain article of clothing is missing. Thought maybe all your tighty-whities were in the wash."

"Mesmerized by my dick, eh Cunningham?" I pass him a wink and a few air kisses. "I'll give you my secret but don't tell anyone." Bringing my hand up to my mouth like I'm telling a secret, I say, "If you yank on it a few times a day, it will grow for you."

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind."

He grabs a slice of pizza from the box on the table along with a beer and joins Harrison on the couch.

"Where's Magallan?" I ask the group.

"Out to a late dinner with Scarlett. He'll be a little late but he said he was coming. Don't know if Scarlett will be with him or not."

We watch as the Red Tails start their first period against the Seattle Sea Brawlers driving the puck down the ice, passing with prowess, and defending their goal with intensity.

"They look good," Harrison says. "Dex Foster is one fast mother fucker."

"Yep." I nod. "Can't wait to push his buttons and have some fun when it's our turn."

At the end of the first period, I find myself checking my phone for any word from Ella, but my screen is blank. She's been radio silent all evening. I know that's how it's supposed to be when she's on a date, but there have been dates in the past where the guy is a dud and she's secretly texting me the play by play until she can jump ship and leave. Before I moved away from Indigo Bay I was the one she ran home to after a date, good or bad. It's always been me and I'm hopeful it'll be me again tonight. But the fact she hasn't texted me tells me she's most likely enjoying herself. And that's not good for my psyche at all.

"So," Ledger says with a nudge to my shoulder while passing me another beer. "How you doing since we last saw you?"

I lift my beer up and give him a smile. "I'm six beers in so I'd say I'm feeling pretty good."

"Yeah, I figured. But how are you really?"

"I'm fine," I lie. "I'll be fine. It might suck right now but I'll figure my shit out eventually."

"I know you will." He takes a sip of his beer and I do the same. "What are you going to do when she comes home? You going to talk to her?"

"I'm not going to ignore her, if that's what you're asking, but also," I say lifting my bottle again, "I've had too much to drink to consider having any kind of mature conversation tonight. And that's if she even comes home."

She better fucking come home.

"Is she a one-night stand kind of girl?"

I shake my head. "Nope. But if she likes the guy, it wouldn't be a one-night stand, would it? It'll just be the first among many."

"Hmm. I suppose you have a point." He claps me on the shoulder. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that."

"Yeah."

Please God, don't let it come to that.

I could maybe stomach knowing she has a boyfriend while she's living with me, but knowing and-or hearing her fucking someone? Yeah, just shoot me now because I can't handle that.

At the end of the second period the Red Tails are up three to two and I'm another three beers in. If I even make it downstairs, I'll probably just lock myself in my room so I'm not a bother to Ella. Or maybe I'll just conk out right here on the Clubroom couch for the night.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Probably wouldn't be the last.

A few minutes pass and we're watching the third period when the door to the Clubhouse opens and Oliver walks through accompanied by his fiancée. The guys all say their hellos and greetings but he seems to only have eyes for me. The worried expression on his face tells me I'm not going to like whatever it is he has to tell me.

"Fuck, did someone touch my car again?" I ask him knowing they just came up from the garage.

He shakes his head. "No man. It's Ella."

I shoot up from the couch so fast forgetting I've had too much to drink and nearly fall face first into the coffee table full of pizza, chips, and everyone else's beers.

"Whoa. You good?" Griffin asks, grabbing my shoulder to steady me.

"Yeah. Sorry." I turn back to Oliver. "Where is she? What happened? Is she alright?"

"She's downstairs," he says. I sprint for the door immediately, but Oliver calls out to me. "August!"

"Yeah?"

"She's been crying."

"Fuck!"