Chapter 35

THIRTY-FIVE

6th January

‘And for anyone doing dry January or thinking of taking on a weight loss regime, then it's really important that you think about your protein intake. And I'm going to tell you a secret. Cottage cheese, that is the answer…'

I'm not sure why but I throw something at my television, regretting it immediately as I will soon be out of work and won't be able to replace it if I break it. It's lucky that I have a weak throw. When is cottage cheese ever the answer? Never. I sit here in my pyjamas, wondering what to do next. I didn't go into work today. I've just wallowed in front of the television watching the sky fade to black. I went in on Friday to be part of that meeting and break the news, and since then there's been a sort of numb ache that's come over me, to know that the end of an era is approaching. To be fair, that ache is probably not as bad as Stephen's who I went to the pub with that lunchtime. Turns out the man can drink like a fish, but he's also very good at gardening and has promised me that, when the dust has settled, he'll tell me how to grow my own herbs .

‘And eggs, you cannot eat too many eggs,' the television echoes in the background. Having shared downstairs space with three men and zero ventilation for the best part of four years, I would disagree with this statement. The thought of that makes my heart prickle though. I've had little contact with all three of them over the weekend. After the pub with Stephen, I spent the rest of the day in HR and avoided going back to the basement, possibly so I could avoid the confrontation. Since then, Jasper has rung me to tell me off and Frank sent me a very large bouquet of flowers, which was sweet of him though they unfortunately looked a bit funeral-like, but Leo, he's said nothing. Just radio silence. That's probably what hit me in the chest the most, so I've spent most of my time deliberating my decision at home, looking at my finances, wondering what the future really holds for me now. I called in sick this morning. I may just wallow and hide away for these last two weeks so I don't have to think about it all too much. It's what my new best mate Stephen is doing. It feels like a good plan.

My lounging is suddenly interrupted by my intercom ringing and I head over to the door to answer it, a hope in my bones it could be someone I know.

‘IT'S US!' yell a chorus of female voices and I recognise them instantly as Gemma and her girls. It's certainly unexpected but I let them in and go to the main door of the building to help Gemma with all her kids, spying little Harry strapped to her chest.

‘Aunty Maggie!' Bella shrieks, running into my arms.

‘You're all here,' I say, hugging all of them in turn. ‘Did you have a good Christmas, girls?'

‘I GOT A SCOOTER!' cries Bella.

‘And I got my shark,' announces Paige.

‘A real one? Does it live in the bathtub?' I ask and they both explode into giggles.

‘Hello, lovely. Yes, we are here and I'm bloody exhausted,' Gemma tells me. ‘Happy New Year! How long is it acceptable to keep saying that?'

‘I believe it's today. Twelfth night, possibly…' I say, confused as they all make their way into my flat, the girls nosing around and diving on to my sofa. ‘Can I get you anything? Drinks? I think I've got some squash hiding away somewhere.'

Gemma goes over to the television and turns the channel to some kids' programme to settle them. ‘Feet off Aunty Maggie's sofa, just give us a moment, yeah?'

The girls both nod and she comes over to sit at my tiny kitchen table, Harry still fast asleep despite his sisters' shrieking. It's good that he's learnt how to do that much in his short time on this planet. ‘Look at you in Christmas goblin mode,' she laughs, pointing at me. I don't argue. I haven't really made much of an effort since coming home on Friday.

‘Did my parents send you?' I ask her, realising why she might be here.

‘Your parents? No. Did they have a good cruise though?'

‘They did. Actually, here,' I say opening a tin of Norwegian Christmas cookies on my kitchen table.

She takes one as my brow still remains furrowed as I try to understand why she's dragged three very little children across West London to come see me. That would have taken time, effort, and she could have done this with a phone call.

She rolls the sleeves up of her hoodie. ‘Right. I won't beat around the Shepherd's Bush here because I have kids and this one's going to need milk in a bit, but I had a message yesterday on social media,' she tells me.

‘You've lost me,' I say.

Gemma shakes her head at me, grinning and kissing the top of her son's head. ‘It was one of your mates from work.'

‘Leo?' I ask, hope surging through my veins at the mere mention of his name .

‘No.' I try and pretend that doesn't completely take the wind out of my sails.

‘It was Frank with the bad hair. Getting in touch to ask if I could help him with something.'

‘Something?'

‘Is that the bloke you went to the wedding with?' she asks me.

‘It is, what did he tell you?' I ask curiously.

Gemma has a wry smile across her face as she drip-feeds me these details.

‘You quit your job,' she tells me, like I didn't know that already.

‘Not quite.'

‘But the way he explains it, you did it to save their jobs,' she adds, proudly.

‘In a nutshell, yeah,' I say, trying to deflect that pride she feels for me. It will always feel right but it does currently leave me feeling a little lost. I tap my fingers on my kitchen table unable to look up.

‘That is why, Maggie, we are friends and will always be friends,' she tells me, putting a hand in mine. ‘These cookies are bloody lovely. Make sure I don't eat the lot. Breastfeeding has me starving at the minute. The kid drains me.'

‘So you're telling me Frank messaged you to tell you that…?' I say, drawing the conclusion out of this story.

‘We had a conversation. He was worried about you but I think they're all very grateful for that sacrifice you made, so they asked me to come and speak to you.'

‘About what?' I ask her, intrigued by the word ‘all' and how that might involve Leo in some way.

And again, that smile hits her eyes and makes her a bit emotional. She gets up as Harry moves his head on her chest and she starts swaying on the spot to pacify him. ‘Well, that's why I'm here. Do you have that dress I lent you? '

‘The red one? You came for your dress?' I ask her.

‘No, you plonker,' she says, laughing. ‘Get it on. You're going out. The girls and I are here to get you ready.'

‘Ready. For what?' I ask, leaning into her. ‘Is Leo going to be there?'

She shrugs. ‘They didn't say anything but I think they wanted to show their gratitude?'

I swivel my head towards the girls. ‘Girls? Do you know why I have to get ready?'

Bella shakes her head. ‘We're not allowed to say. It's something to do with your eyes though.'

‘My eyes?' I ask, frowning.

‘Yeah, eyes. Is that right, Mummy?'

Gemma laughs riotously. ‘Yeah, just go get that dress on. And make sure you bring your eyes with you. All will be revealed.'

‘I could have got a taxi you know?' I tell Gemma as she zigzags across lanes, driving alongside the Thames, still glittering in Christmas lights against the night air. Gemma doesn't let on at all. She simply smiles at me and, all at once, I feel a mix of emotion running through me. Will Leo be there for this event? Am I ready to see him? I don't think I can deal with the disappointment if he isn't.

‘Can you just tell me what will be at the other end of this car ride? Please?' I plead.

‘Food,' Gemma tells me.

‘That could be a McDonald's. Have you dressed me up for a Happy Meal?' I ask.

The girls all giggle in the back of the car.

‘A Happy Meal? Don't be silly. You're grown up. You can order off the Savers menu at least.' I glare at her from the passenger seat of her people carrier, glancing at myself in the wing mirror. I had a shower and managed to straighten my hair, and slap on some make-up. It felt good to maybe get out of my strange hibernation mood but I'll resent Gemma if this is all for a drive-thru.

‘Keep that dress by the way, you look so pretty. Doesn't Aunty Maggie look pretty?' she asks the girls.

‘She always looks pretty,' Bella says from the back seat and I beam at her.

The car has passed through the pretty buildings of Chelsea, crossed Lambeth Bridge and we still run parallel along the river past St Thomas's Hospital. Whereas most would baulk at this rush-hour traffic, Gemma weaves through the queues, until her car slows down and she turns into a side road in Waterloo, pulling into a parking space.

‘Perfect.' She picks up her phone and rings a number. ‘We're here.'

I look at her and the girls, trying to ask them what's going on but I can't seem to work things out. This better not be a boat thing. I'm not wearing the right coat. But I suddenly hear a tapping on the glass and jump out of my skin. Frank. I smile to see him, then look around for someone else. He's not here. I open the car door.

‘Are you Frank?' Gemma asks over me.

‘I am. Nice to meet you,' he says, waving at the girls in the back of the car.

‘You too. Have a good evening, guys.'

I turn to Gemma. ‘You're not coming?' She laughs and shakes her head, pointing a thumb to the kids. ‘I've done my job. I got you out of your house. I delivered you here.'

‘But…'

‘Go with it, Maggie. We love you, don't we, girls?'

They all cheer from the back of the car as I exit, waving them off, leaving me standing there with Frank in his wedding tux and his outdoor puffer coat and mittens.

‘Hi,' I say.

‘Good evening.'

‘Formal. So are you going to tell me why we're here? Are we going for dinner? Just you and me? Where is everyone?'

‘That's a lot of questions,' Frank replies, urging me to walk.

I huddle into him to escape the cold. ‘Frank, please let me know if Leo is here.'

He runs through his answer in his head as we cross a road, heading towards the South Bank but says nothing. I will take that as a no then and I feel my heart doing somersaults. He leads me through a gate into some gardens as the last of the commuters and hordes of tourists weave around us.

‘My goddaughter said something about eyes,' I tell him.

‘Eyes?'

‘Yeah.' But he doesn't reply. He just keeps walking and looking up into the night sky, urging me to follow his gaze. Eyes? Oh. Eye, a lone singular eye. The London Eye. As we walk closer, it's quiet, less busy than usual but then I see Jasper standing there, in his version of a tux – his red velvet smoking jacket. Again, I beam to see him, feeling bad that I'd avoided the both of them up to this point.

‘Gemma convinced you to come then?' Jasper says.

I nod, swinging my head back to take in the sight of the London Eye before me. ‘We're going on that?' I ask them both. They both nod, excitedly. ‘We can go on that in our normal clothes I believe, there's no dress code.'

‘You're so dull,' Jasper comments. ‘Leo says sorry, by the way.'

‘Sorry?' I ask.

‘He wanted to come but he thought it would be too awkward so we got Gemma to persuade you to come down and Leo chipped in for some champagne. He said you've never been on this.'

‘I haven't.' My heart lurches when Jasper says that, and all that hope that once inflated my chest is replaced with complete disappointment that I try desperately to hide. It makes complete sense that Leo wouldn't want to be here. Maybe I was stupid to think he would be. I'm not sure how he feels about me leaving or whether he has mixed feelings about us trying to enter a relationship. But I try to put on a brave face and enjoy this surprise; it'll be nice to be here with Jasper and Frank, to have an evening with them to say goodbye properly. We walk up the galleys and stairs to embark our pod. ‘Well, maybe I'll catch up with Leo another time.'

‘Maybe,' Frank tells me, his face all red and contorted.

‘Are you OK, Frank?' I ask him.

‘Yeah, I'm just not very good at this,' he tells me.

‘The heights? Have you been drinking? Or is it the cold?'

‘I mean, the… lying…'

I turn to Jasper who rolls his eyes, just as the doors of a pod open up and there stands Leo. Leo?

‘You're not the only one who can pull a surprise out of the bag, Miss Field,' Jasper says, and he and the attendants urge me to get on the pod as Jasper and Frank stand back waving at me. What? They're not coming? I've been ambushed? I stumble into the pod, the doors closing behind me. Leo. He's here? I sigh deeply to see him there, dressed in a traditional tux, black tie, biting his lip. He looks so incredibly nervous. But also incredibly handsome; his usually unkempt hair is styled, his soft blue eyes filled with nerves and emotion. He holds my gaze for a moment and I can hardly talk. I stand there, slightly in shock. The pod starts to move around slowly, a safety announcement filtering through the speakers, and I take in all the surroundings; a small table with two glasses and some champagne, the pod adorned with fairy lights.

‘Hi,' I say awkwardly.

‘Hi.' He smiles at me and I swear my heart stops for a moment .

‘I…I…How…?' I really can't seem to form a proper sentence, petrified of what he might say.

‘…did I get on the pod?' Leo finishes my sentence for me.

‘Yeah.'

‘Pretty much in the same way you did. I didn't bungee my way in here,' he tells me, trying to lighten the mood, trying to break this tension, unravel the emotion between us.

I don't laugh. I'm still too shocked that he's standing there. He wears that suit well. Too well. I start to walk into the pod and up to a rail so I can take in the view. ‘That's Big Ben,' I tell him, nervously.

‘It is. I mean this is your city, if you wanted to give me a tour,' he says, following until he's standing just behind me.

‘Houses of Parliament…Charing Cross…that's the Thames… a train.'

He laughs and I keep my gaze on the view, trying to stop the smile creeping across my face.

‘This is mad. Who paid for this? This is expensive,' I protest, turning around, and finding myself so achingly close to him.

‘We all pitched in,' he explains. I look out into the night sky, at the city sparkling at us as the pod revolves around.

‘But why?'

‘Because you once told me you'd never been on here and you were a sucker for a view.'

I pause for a moment. I did say that.

‘Yes…but why?' I repeat.

‘You know why…' he replies, confused.

‘Well, the job thing, maybe, but then why is it you and I standing here? With you, in your suit looking…'

He raises his eyebrows at me.

‘Debonair…' I say slowly and he smiles.

‘Debonair?' he repeats. ‘Like a magician?'

‘You heard me. '

And we smile at each other. He steps closer to put a hand over mine on the rail. I feel emotion charge through me to have him so near again, to see him exhale slowly as he touches me.

‘Well then, if we are exchanging compliments, you look very…'

‘Red?'

‘Beautiful.'

I look up at him, our hands still touching. ‘I'm sorry,' he says, inhaling with a sigh as I look up at him. ‘When we were in the Lakes, my reaction to hearing about everything was unfair…I think I was just working it out. I was worried, I…'

‘I should have told you all from the start. We're a team. I shouldn't have jumped into spending all that time with you, knowing what I did…' I interrupt him. ‘I wasn't honest.'

‘But I should have realised what a hard decision it was. I should have had more faith in you…' he tells me. ‘Because what you did a few days ago absolutely floored me. I thought I was in love with you before, but that just…'

His eyes well up and he has to stop himself for a moment.

‘You were in love with me before?'

‘I remember I came down to London only knowing one or two people. And then I walked into your office and there was this person who called me Leonardo and it felt…' he laughs. ‘It felt like home. And that's how I've always felt with you. I feel safe, it feels familiar, like I've always known you. I've never met anyone quite like you, Maggie. You take such great care with everyone in your life. And I keep seeing it, just watching it, not quite believing someone could be like that…'

My lips start to tremble as he continues, and I take his hand and squeeze it in mine.

‘And over time, it became the sum of so many little things: the way you'd get stupidly excited about Wordle, the way you look after Frank, the way you protect Jasper, the way you always walk into that stupid basement of ours and make it feel like there's actual light in there, the way you take us to a crappy Mexican restaurant and try and convince us it's Christmas.'

‘Leo… You never said…'

‘Because you were my boss and what I didn't want to do was jeopardise any of it…But then Christmas happened and we kissed, and we spent three hours and forty-six perfect minutes together on the phone, and you came back to my house and all of it just…snowballed.'

I do cry at this point, tears rolling down my face freely.

‘I love you. I'm so angry at what's happened with work but I want to keep doing this, us. I still want to see you everyday, wherever you are. We might not be a desk away but I'd still like to be close.'

‘Really?' I ask.

‘If you'll have me?' he asks, looking worried that maybe I won't, that maybe something's changed. But he hasn't. Quiet Leo in the corner. How was he sitting there the whole time just looking on? Why didn't I see the kind and thoughtful soul he is before? But now that I've had that epiphany, I don't want to waste any more of my time wondering. I reach over, hold on to his lapels and kiss him gently, his hand going to the back of my head to draw me in, my body rejoicing to know I haven't lost him. I see a flash in the corner of my eye, and I take a brief moment to pull away and check what it might be.

‘All OK?' Leo asks.

I nod but look down to see a camera. In the pod below are a line of people who couldn't give two hoots about London and are taking photos of us kissing.

‘I think we've been papped,' I laugh.

‘Really?' Leo asks, pulling me in. ‘Shall we give them a proper show?' he asks me cheekily.

I laugh, nudging him. ‘We'd be banned. For life.'

‘True. Or we could wave,' he suggests.

‘Like royalty. '

He does some fake regal wave and I crease over laughing.

And the expression across his face lights up, dimples, teeth, that wonderful smile that I've loved seeing every day and still want to see every day, forever.

‘So what now?' I ask him.

‘Funnily enough, we've booked a Mexican after this,' he tells me. ‘Jasper found it. No sombreros this time.'

‘Shame.'

‘It's what I said,' he tells me.

‘And then after that?' I ask.

‘I believe we've got unfinished business, Miss Field?'

‘Do we now?' I laugh.

‘Indeed.'

And as the pod reaches the very top of the wheel, looking over the sprawling lights of London, Leo pulls me in for another kiss, the stars staring down at us, twinkling like they've seen this journey and they know we're both exactly where we should be.