Chapter 34

THIRTY-FOUR

3rd January

‘And this is us at the top of the Empire State Building,' Jan from HR says, showing me a photo of her, hair windswept, wearing a shiny purple puffer jacket with a man I will assume is her husband. ‘And this is us on the ferry to Staten Island…and with a hot dog…and we went to watch a basketball game. The men were very tall.'

She flicks through the photos assuming that I may be interested. I am really sorry, Jan, but I'm anything but. I adjust my eyes to the bright lights of being above ground level, taking in the loftiness of this boardroom with its large desk, wheely chairs and jugs of water and glasses. I also take in the magnificence of its visual-audio capabilities, which we helped to set up. Inside and throughout the office, all the decorations remain up like some painful reminder that Christmas has gone, a tree still sparkling at me in the corner, surrounded by fake gifts.

It's a big day today, one that required me to be semi-smart in a jacket and a stud earring. I fiddle nervously, tucking my hair behind my ear, my palms sweaty. I look down at all the documents in front of me, completed, signed and dated. I also look over at the tray of sandwiches and cookies. Egg mayo for Jasper, his favourite.

‘And what did you do for the holidays?' Jan asks, and I snap back into the room for a moment and look at her. Jan is always formal, always in heels with tan tights and a shirt buttoned up to the neck.

‘Oh, I spent it with friends,' I tell her, a lump stuck in my throat. ‘It was nice.' She looks over at me, half expecting me to get photos out but I don't. I'm not sure if she wants stories of how I was a fake bridesmaid for a day, how I got bitten by a fox, and found and lost a new love. I'm not sure if we have the time. ‘Actually, it was amazing.'

‘Good. Always nice to have a break,' she says, scanning the documents in front of her. ‘Any plans for the summer yet? I'm off to Croatia, people are telling me marvellous things about Croatia.'

‘They invented pens, you know. The Croatians.'

She gives me a look. I'm pretty sure that's something Frank told me once. It's the kind of fact he knows. ‘Well, I will keep that in mind.'

‘I might go to Borneo actually. Frank has a friend out there. He thought I might like to go with him, have an adventure.'

‘That's quite far,' she mentions.

‘It is.'

And that is the end of our office chit-chat. I don't think we're ever destined to be more than colleagues, Jan. I nervously look at the clock. I have two minutes before they get here, before I change everything. It will all come good, as my mum would say, but I can't help that nagging feeling of uncertainty in my gut, thinking about the debris from the bomb that's about to detonate. I look out the doors, my attention taken by a man sobbing in the corridor on his own .

‘Ummm, Jan. Is that man alright?' I ask, wondering if I can take him a cookie.

Jan looks up, wincing. ‘Oh, that's Stephen from accounts. We let him go this morning, he's one of our casualties.' She says it so calmly. If he was some soldier dying outside, she wouldn't care as long as he died quietly and out of sight.

I try not to let my judgement of her show in my face. He sits there staring into space, hugging a box of his belongings, tears dampening both his cheeks. Is she just going to leave him there? I get up but suddenly hear sounds from the corridor stirring and the figures of Frank, Jasper and Leo make an appearance through the glass doors. Crap. They're here. They stand there in a line, examining the room, awaiting their fate. I pause for a moment to see Leo, rubbing the back of his head, his eyes looking down to the floor, trying to avert my gaze so the sadness of seeing me doesn't penetrate. One of them knocks and Jan goes over to the door.

‘Please, gentlemen, please come in…take a seat,' she says, shaking each of their hands in turn. Frank sees me and waves with both hands excitedly. Jasper gives me a beaming grin, but with Leo, there's a look, a deep breath, a glimmer of emotion, and I almost can't bear it. Jan comes to sit down and starts a video call with Alfred Wiseman, one of the infamous brothers who started and still own this company. I don't know where he is but it's certainly not in this building and he's dressed in white, tufts of chest hair sprouting out from the top of his linen shirt. He's possibly on a yacht or about to go on safari and hunt gazelle. He's about to let go at least one hundred of his employees. I need to bite my tongue about the division of wealth in this corporate family, don't I?

‘So, we are so glad to be able to have this meeting today. Maggie was the first department head actually to make her decision, and as a company that makes it much easier for us to move forward,' Jan starts. The men sitting opposite me look at me all cautiously.

‘That is wholly appreciated, Miss Field,' Mr Wiseman's gravelly voice says through the screen. I can't help but notice the detail on that screen, the pure quality of the sound. That's because of us, in this room. Otherwise he'd be all pixellated and there'd be a delay.

I manage a smile.

‘So Mr San, Mr Golding and Mr Westwood-Knights,' Jan begins. ‘As you may or may not know, the company is going through a period of transition where we have had to make some important decisions involving our staff.' I hate the scripted nature of her patter, how she's reading it from the paperwork in front of her; she hasn't even bothered to learn it by heart. I glance at my workmates, as they all sit there taking it in. Jasper in a bright orange knitted jumper, his hair all over the place, a resigned look to his face. Frank is for some reason in a suit, he looks incredibly smart if terrified, and keeps having to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose. And then there's Leo, sitting there in a green shirt, looking reasonably glum, his arms folded. He doesn't try to hold my gaze and my stomach feels waves of anxiety. I try to push down the bitter sadness that rises up in me at the thought that, just last week, we were so very intimate with each other.

‘The Wiseman Brothers was started as a…' Jan starts reading a complex business history of the company that none of us really need to know, but from small humble beginnings – where we're led to believe the Wiseman Brothers sharpened their own pencils and operated out of a single room the size of a cupboard – they are now a force to be reckoned with in the financial sector. ‘However, with the recession looming, it is with regret that like all other businesses, we have had to downsize to account for this, and think about the company as a whole. Before Christmas, Miss Field was informed redundancies wo uld be made in your department, like many across the company. It is a shame but we are offering good redundancy packages with professional support if needed. You are within your rights to inform and engage any unions of which you may be members and we will also provide any legal counsel.'

Jan starts sifting through paperwork, all signed by myself, and looks at me. Jasper sits up at this point, ready to take his bullet. We've both agreed that he wouldn't tell the others, so there would be no way for them to talk of him out of it or prolong discussions. His mind was made up. He was fine with it. There is such a sense of calm in his face.

It's, therefore, such a shame I'm going to take that away.

‘Miss Maggie Field has, therefore, decided within the IT department that she will be taking voluntary redundancy.'

Jasper inhales sharply, leaning across the desk, an alarmed look in his face. ‘Who?'

Frank doesn't quite know what's going on. For the first time this morning, Leo looks up at me and straight in the eye. I feel my mouth go incredibly dry, and put my hands in my lap to stop them shaking.

‘Maggie…' Jasper mutters. ‘No. That wasn't even…What?'

‘It's done,' I say, smiling over at all of them. ‘I told Jan of my decision this morning and completed all the paperwork.'

They all sit there open-mouthed, looking at me, each of them at a loss for words.

‘The truth is, Mr Wiseman,' I say, turning to the screen. ‘I am not a financier so I can't admit to knowing how the numbers work, but I do know that this is a very good team. I hope our reviews and reports reflect as much. And each of these three individuals are indispensable.' Don't cry, Maggie. Not now. ‘I go knowing that they will carry on this good work, and I thank you for the opportunities afforded by your company.'

I look over at all of them. Jasper stands up but I urge him to return to his seat, Frank's on the verge of tears and Leo looks down at the desk in front of him. It's strange how one sentence can transform a room, can have such a crushing effect. However, I don't think the three of them feel an iota of what I do to be leaving them like this.

‘This is very true,' Mr Wiseman says, looking over some paperwork. ‘And we appreciate your service. I very much regret losing an employee of your calibre and wish you very well for the future, Miss Field. Are you very sure you are happy with this decision?'

All of them look over at me. ‘Yes,' I reply firmly.

It was easy really. When you looked at it properly, at all the different variations in how this team worked, the fact was the three of them needed each other, and they needed their jobs more than I needed mine. It was important they remained together, that they had each other, that our friendships could still thrive, these strange yet wonderful bonds that the four of us share. Out there, I was a London girl, I knew the bones of this city and my dad was right. Yesterday, I picked up a phone to an old university friend who had an IT consultancy job going in her office. I will adapt. And they will all cope without me. They will all be fine.

‘You're looking at three kings of IT in front of you and I am sure they will do this company proud.'

Frank shakes his head lightly.

‘You will. And if I can give a professional recommendation, it would be that Leo Golding should be given my job as line manager moving forward.'

Leo looks up at me from the desk, his face softening. ‘Mr Golding?' Jan says. ‘Usually we would promote the most experienced or the employee who's been here the longest.'

‘Mr Golding has the interpersonal and managements skills needed. I think Jasper and Frank would agree.'

They both nod reluctantly, and I know that's not because they think him not capable, but because they know I'm literally handing him my job as some sort of peace offering.

‘Maggie…' Leo mutters. ‘Please…'

I take a deep breath. ‘Can't think of a better man for the job.'

And I look into those eyes and the intensity is almost too much. My dad spoke about doing the right thing, about searching my heart for that decision, and this was the right and only thing to do, to look after people you love, put them before yourself. I hope he can see that this is what that is. I think you're a brilliant man and you deserve this.

‘Well, Miss Field. We will be sure to write you a glowing reference moving forward. I am sure Jan can give you all the details of what will happen. Gentlemen, it's a pleasure to have met you all. Jan, I'll see you at midday for the marketing team meeting?'

‘Yes, Mr Wiseman.'

His screen goes black and we all sit there quietly as Jan makes notes and collects her paperwork. ‘Might I take a sandwich?' she asks me.

I nod, pushing the platter in her direction. She doesn't take just one, she takes three and a cookie. ‘Well, I think that went well. Thank you for facilitating it. I've got a meeting in an hour and I've been told a woman's going to chain herself to her desk in protest so well done for your mature and considered approach to all of this.'

If Jasper, Frank and Leo's looks could kill at this very moment, I think they'd laser her into dust like in a comic book. They remain quiet, simmering with emotion, she picks up on none of it.

‘Maggie, when you're done, come and see me and we'll go through all the remaining paperwork together. There are quite a few forms. I'll give you a moment, but we do need the room in five minutes, thanks.'

She leaves the room and I turn towards Jasper, Frank and Leo, who sit there, looking at me.

‘Why did she ask to have a sandwich?' Jasper asks me, breaking the silence, his expression suspicious.

‘Because I bought these. My mum went to Costco for me,' I say. Because I know they always talk about the meeting rooms with their fancy sandwiches and I didn't want them to feel left out. I thought the meeting would need something to take the edge off. I give them each a cookie. Frank stuffs his in his mouth straightaway. ‘You can take the tray downstairs with you.'

I can't bear to look at any of them.

‘Maggie, what did you do?' Jasper says. Frank's gone at this point, tears streaming down his face and Leo puts an arm around him to console him.

I shrug. ‘What I thought was right,' I tell him.

‘This isn't right. Any of it!' Jasper moans. ‘Him sitting there behind his bureau. Jan spoke about lawyers, maybe we can fight this? Between the four of us, we could shut down this place and hold it to ransom.'

I shake my head at him. ‘It's done, Jasper. Look, I haven't slept in days thinking about all of this, because I didn't want to hurt any of you, I didn't want to rip you away from a secure job and people you know, so it made sense to take that on myself.'

‘Play the martyr?' Jasper asks me, almost angrily. I know he must feel I took that decision away from him.

I meet his gaze. ‘Or play the friend. I wrote it all down, I made so many lists and this was the algorithm that made the most sense, that caused the least amount of damage. I love you all,' I tell them, my gaze swinging over to Leo. ‘And if this is the way I get to keep you all, then I'd do it again, in a heartbeat.'

‘When?' Frank asks me.

‘Well, I'll be in HR for most of today but then they're giving me two weeks. '

Frank's glasses can't deal with the emotion and he takes them off to sob into his hands.

‘Please don't, Frank,' I say, trying to hold back my tears.

I stare at Leo, begging for him to say something, anything. This means we can work now, right? But he remains quiet. Someone knocks on the door and comes in, uninvited, with boxes and files.

‘IT?' a man asks us. I recognise him from the fourth floor. I'm bound by my discretion but he books escorts on his work computer. He really needs to clear his cache history. We all nod quietly.

‘Customer Service. Who's out?' he asks.

I put my hand to the air.

He salutes me. ‘Fucking shit, isn't it? I'm going to tell Wiseman he's a relic and that he can spin on it.'

Jasper goes over and shakes his hand.

There's a tumult of action as people begin to enter the room, and I see Leo, Frank and Jasper, who has the catering trays in hand, gesturing that they're going downstairs. I signal that I'll see them there but watch as their figures disappear down the corridor, Leo glancing back at me for a moment, looking at a complete loss for what to do or say. I collect my belongings slowly, putting my coat across my arm, looking around this fancy office I dreamed about when I first came here. I got so much more than that downstairs in our basement.

I'm ushered out of the room but as I head to the lifts, I notice Stephen still sitting outside on an angular leather sofa, clutching his box of belongings, a small potted Christmas tree and multipacks of biros. He still looks completely shell-shocked.

‘Stephen?' I ask him, sitting down next to him.

He looks at me for a moment. ‘You're that nice girl in IT, aren't you? Meg?'

‘Maggie.'

He notices some papers in my hands. ‘Oh love, not you too? '

I nod. He lets out a deep sigh.

‘I need to tell my wife,' he tells me, taking her picture out of the box to show me a photo of them dressed to the nines for a wedding.

‘Or not. It can wait,' I tell him. ‘What's her name?'

‘Mary. That was our eldest's wedding. Doesn't she look lovely?'

‘So do you. You make a very handsome couple.'

There's silence as he sits there, obviously still registering what's happened.

‘You could argue I should have retired a while back but I like working, keeping busy,' he tells me, and I immediately feel for him that all that routine and purpose is suddenly gone.

‘Nothing wrong with that. Are you leaving now? You didn't get two weeks' notice?'

He nods. ‘I did but I've packed my things. I'm not sticking around for a fortnight. They can take it out of my pay if they want but I didn't want the insult of looking at my supervisor knowing he chose me for this.'

‘Good for you,' I tell him.

‘Funny how the woman he's been shagging in the Premier Inn opposite the office for three years got to keep her job though,' he shouts down the corridor. ‘She still uses her fingers for basic sums.' He half laughs, half cries and I feel all of it so deeply.

‘Can I offer you a cookie, Stephen?' I ask him, holding one out to him wrapped in a napkin.

He shakes his head. ‘I'll be honest, I need more than a fucking cookie. It's nearly 11am, let's find a pub, Maggie from IT.'

I stand up immediately and grin. ‘Why not? Come on then, Stephen from Accounts. Let's go get pissed.'