Chapter 33

THIRTY-THREE

31st December

New Year's Eve. There is something about this day that never quite computes with me. When you're little and have parents who work shifts, you tend not to recognise days of significance anyway. You realise these are just days. You can eat turkey any time you want, really. However, New Year's Eve is always some big celebratory party day where people dress up, kiss and be merry. I never got it. It's simply the beginning of some arbitrary day as dictated by a calendar. Plus, it's always felt like a time to reminisce too – to reflect on a year gone as opposed to the new one ahead. A time to be quiet. Well, that's what I'm telling myself anyway as I sit on my sofa, alone, watching Graham Norton, with a cup of tea and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps.

‘So…tell me about your new film…'

‘I'm glad you asked, Graham. So I'm an android who lives in the future, trying to desperately save a planet that is now underwater…'

‘That would never happen, your circuitry would never survive the moisture,' I tell the Oscar-winning actress living in my television, like she can hear me. I listen to her babble on about how she shaved her head for the role and tell a funny story about Tom Cruise. I laugh. God, this is really quite sad. I think about how I'm going to spend the rest of this evening. Possibly in bed as I really don't want to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up scaring myself. I could watch a film on my laptop, read a book, cry into my pillows. I did have options. Gemma mentioned a night at hers involving wine and charcuterie, Mum and Dad invited me out to share an evening with their mates but my mood was so low that I didn't want to bring that to other people's celebrations. It honestly felt like the better option to just wallow on my own, think how a decent year turned sour in one single day, and await a whole new year of uncertainty ahead.

The doorbell suddenly gets my attention. Expecting no one, I can only think it's a food delivery meant for my neighbours again. The doorbells are very well labelled so it always annoys me a tad. I head over to my intercom. ‘It's not for me, wrong house,' I say weakly. I return to the sofa but the buzzer rings again. They're persistent at least. I head back to the intercom. ‘I'm 1A, you're likely looking for Mahmood in 1B.'

‘Who the fuck is Mahmood?' the voice on the other end says.

I jump back from the intercom and stare at it for a moment. I press the button again tentatively. ‘Jasper?'

‘This better be Maggie.'

‘What are you doing here?' I ask him.

‘I thought I'd come and just chat to you through your intercom,' he replies and for a moment my heart warms to hear his sarcasm. ‘Are you letting me in or am I going to have to eat this takeaway on your doorstep?'

I press the button and look down at my fleece onesie and fluffy socks, dusting crisps that have been caught on the shelf of my bosom. It will have to do. There's a knock on my door and I answer it, peeking my head around the corridor, feeling some slight disappointment perhaps that he's on his own. He stands there with two paper bags, the same mismatched medley of clothes he always wears, like Dr Who had he also been into vintage and trainers.

‘God, you look bloody awful,' he tells me.

‘Charming,' I reply, opening the door and letting him in. He looks around the flat, inspecting my front room and half-dismantled Christmas tree. ‘I'm sorry, it's a bit of a tip. How did you know where I lived?' I ask him curiously.

‘Leo,' he tells me, my heart lurches to even hear his name. ‘Obviously, he didn't tell me to come here. That was me though.' My once lurching heart falls flat on its arse.

‘Why?' I ask.

‘To say hello. See your sad face.'

‘You didn't have grand New Year's plans?' I ask, tentatively.

‘Oh, the family are in some castle up in Edinburgh but I opted out. Skiing was enough.' He looks around the flat, putting his bags down on my kitchen counter and unwinding his scarf from around his neck. I see his eyes surveying the artwork and photos.

‘So, I was the second-best option?'

‘Yes.'

We stand there for a moment before he comes over and puts his arms out unnaturally.

‘I don't quite know what you're doing?' I tell him.

‘I'm offering you a hug, you donkey.'

Donkey. I kidnapped a donkey once. With Leo. Jasper envelops me in his arms and pats my back gently, tears welling up in my eyes to know he's here. I'm not sure how to express anything so I state facts to break the silence. ‘You brought food.'

‘I did. It's very good sushi and some bits, gyoza and karaage,' he steps back from me, still not quite revealing why he's here but looks up at the singular counter that is my kitchen and sifts through drawers and cupboards to find bowls and cutlery. ‘You have chopsticks, excellent.' He takes everything over to arrange on my coffee table and I stand there observing, grateful to him for taking charge but curious to find out how much he knows, whether he dislikes me or not. ‘I also bought fizz because I didn't know what you had and I like to see a new year in right.' He pulls a bottle of Mo?t out and I get a couple of wine glasses out.

‘Those are for wine,' he tells me.

‘I don't have champagne flutes,' I tell him.

‘Then I know what to get you for your birthday,' he tells me.

‘You're staying until midnight then?'

‘Were you headed out?' he enquires, looking me up and down. ‘In your fetching fleece number?'

‘No.'

‘Then I am staying.' He tells me this in the same tone he used when he told me I was going to his for Christmas. I have no choice except it's nice to have him here. ‘I like your place. It's giving open-plan cosiness. Where are your curtains from?'

‘IKEA.'

‘Noted.'

‘And who are these people?' he asks me, pointing to a photo on the wall.

‘That's Gemma, my best friend, and those are my goddaughters.'

‘I thought I was your best friend,' he replies, making himself comfortable on the sofa and noticing Graham Norton on the television. ‘I met that actress once, you know?' he says, pointing at the bald android, still avoiding more important issues of discussion.

‘Of course you did.'

‘Cressida brought her home one Christmas. She only drank vodka and ate celery. Arms like Twiglets. Have the tuna, it'll blow your mind. '

I don't reply but look at the sushi platter before me. He knows I like sushi. If he'd hated me, he would have brought me cheese and onion crisps and marshmallows, I guess. I eat quietly, side-eyeing him a little, watching in awe at how much wasabi he can handle.

‘And now for our musical guest. They have six Grammies, a massive forty-four number one singles across the world and their new single is released next week, please help me welcome to the show…'

‘Urgh, hate him,' Jasper tells me.

I laugh as he reaches for the remote and turns the volume down to a low murmur.

‘What's he ever done to you?' I ask Jasper.

‘Sang.'

I laugh and he looks over to me while taking a large helping of seaweed salad.

‘Can I give you some money for this food?' I ask him.

‘Don't be silly. This is on me. We'll take it out of my redundancy money,' he says, half-grinning.

I stop for a moment, my face freezing to hear him open that topic of conversation like that. He knows. ‘Jasper…' I murmur, putting down my plate. I put a hand to his arm. ‘I'm sorry…How?'

‘Leo took Frank and me out for a drink yesterday to explain,' he tells me, contritely. ‘Why else did you think I was here?'

‘New Year's Eve? You knew I'd be on my own? I don't know,' I stutter, worried about his reaction, terrified he's here to lay into me, ambush my sorry sad ass when I'm on my own. ‘I'm so sorry, Jasper. I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to share the information with you.'

I can't even look him in the eye, completely sheepish. I guess I knew Leo might tell him and secretly, I don't know if that makes me relieved if intensely disappointed by my own cowardice .

‘Oh, don't be a dick. Personally, I think it's crappy the company have made you do this,' he states. ‘That's a lot of pressure at an unfair time.'

He's being nice. I don't think I can handle nice, especially from him. ‘You're not angry with me? I'm really sorry I never told any of you. I should have when I found out. That's my bad,' I blurt out.

‘Well, yes…I can imagine at Frank's sister's wedding that the topic of redundancies over canapés would have gone down particularly well,' he tells me. ‘You could have mentioned it in your onesie when you were absconding with your foxes,' he laughs, but then he stops for a moment, offering me a gyoza. ‘Stop saying sorry. The company should be the ones apologising. Terrible upper management. First, they fail to invite us to their Christmas do and now this. It's like they want me to download a virus into the servers and expose all their dodgy crypto dealings,' he jests. ‘It's not your fault, Maggie. I get it.'

‘You do?' I say, half relieved he doesn't park any blame or anger at my door.

‘It's kind of why I'm here. Apart from enjoying your scintillating company, of course. I've been pondering the dilemma, I've discussed it with Miles, I'm here to stage an intervention.'

‘What do you mean?' I ask him.

He pauses for a moment. ‘Choose me,' he says, smiling. ‘Make me redundant.'

‘Jasper…no…' I say, shaking my head.

‘Hear me out. If you choose me then you and Leo can give it a go, right? You can't choose Frank. He's panicked enough at the mention of it, he wouldn't survive on his own. I'm the one with the least to lose.' And for a moment, there is no cynicism or sarcasm, just a moment of clarity from him that feels sincere and I tear up at how much thought he's given this.

‘Jasper. It's not that simple.'

‘It is really,' he tells me, fiddling with his chopsticks. ‘ You've seen my family. I understand the cut-throat nature of business and the hierarchies involved far too well. It's not kind.' Sadness fills my heart to know it's true. ‘I wouldn't hold it against you, Maggie. I understand that you've been asked to do this so I would leave in good faith as long as you promise me something.'

‘Something?'

‘We'd still be friends.' And with that, he leaves me no choice but to reach over and hug him.

‘THE SUSHI, MAGGIE!' he squeals.

I sit back from him. I still don't think that's the decision fully made, but the fact he's come here to level out his thoughts on the matter is hugely considerate – and also shows me how much he cares for Leo and Frank too.

‘Thank you,' I tell him. ‘Miles knows? Has his opinion completely changed of me then?'

‘Oh god no. He's totally in love with you. Hasn't shut up about you since Christmas, actually. So predictable. It's probably why I kept him from you for so long. I knew it would happen – you would come into our lives with your nice face and your warm vibes. You're too bloody likeable, Magnus Field.'

We both laugh and I think back to the time when we first met, when he was some prickly basement troll and I was a rookie manager, and how much we've both transformed since.

‘Where is Miles tonight? Does he want to join us?' I ask, looking down at the food.

‘He's gone to spend New Year's on the estate. I'll catch up with him tomorrow.' I picture them in open fields, walking, holding hands, baby fox cubs gambolling alongside them, and it makes me so incredibly happy that he has a love like that. ‘After I've been through Indeed looking for jobs,' he jests.

It's strange to hear him talk of this so casually when I've been traumatised by the idea of it all over the last few weeks. ‘Jasper…if this redundancy happens…'

‘When…' he corrects me. ‘Let me do this, Maggie, so it me ans the decision was made on my terms. Then you can't get accused of anything untoward like discrimination,' he explains.

‘But what about financially?' I ask him.

‘Oh, it'll be a squeeze for a while, but it's IT. I'll find another basement somewhere, start again.' And despite his confidence that this is the right decision, I hear a slight shake in his voice. It breaks my heart.

‘Jasper. I've already been doing research. I've been in touch with contacts, looking at vacancies.'

‘Let's speak of it no more…It's done.'

‘I am your boss, you know?' I tell him.

‘But not really…' he says, and I laugh as he opens the bottle of champagne and pours us a couple of glasses. ‘We also need to talk about Leo,' he says, clinking my glass and taking a long sip.

I also take a sip. Lordy, this is what the other half drink? It goes down a little too well. ‘What about Leo?'

‘I'll be upfront. Frank has heard him crying in his room.'

I bite my lip to hear it, aching that I've not heard anything from him since Boxing Day. ‘He may not have been crying about me, he may have been watching something very sad on the television.'

‘Yes, Maggie. Leo has always been the sort of man to chuck on a boxset in the middle of the day and have an open sob.'

‘Don't,' I plead. ‘I feel shit enough as it is.'

He tops up my glass. ‘Did you two…you know…'

‘Have sex? Anything but…'

He puts a hand to the air. ‘I don't need any more details, please.' He puts his glass down and picks up a cucumber maki. ‘I had thought the saddest thing might be that you'd all have to cope without me…'

‘It isn't?' I say.

‘No. The saddest thing would be if you and Leo can't be salvaged. I think Frank is more upset about that than the possible redundancy. Have you spoken to Leo?' I shake my head. I'm too scared, too ashamed. ‘Talk to him. Move on from this. You must.'

‘I'll see him at work on the second.'

‘You know what I mean,' he says, pointing to chastise me. ‘Anyway, you have to make amends with him somehow otherwise my gift won't make any sense.'

‘Gift?' I ask him curiously.

He gets up and reaches into one of the bags he bought, pulling out a rectangular gift wrapped in star wrapping paper, a beautiful tag in the centre with my name on. I peel away the paper and it's a collage of photos from the last week. In amongst them are three selfies: Frank and me at his sister's wedding, Jasper, Miles and me with our trio of fox cubs, and finally Leo and me in the Lakes with a donkey. I don't quite know what to say.

‘I got the photos from the group chat,' he tells me.

‘You got the donkey one.'

‘Look at you, like Dr Dolittle,' he laughs.

‘It was either this or a photo of me you can hang in the office when I'm gone.' And I laugh through my tears, holding the frame up. I can't stop looking at it, my eyes wide in wonder. ‘Love you, Maggie,' he says, reaching over to hug me.

‘Love you too, Jassy Bear,' I say from over his shoulder.

He laughs. ‘Yeah, that's still not a thing.'