Chapter 21

I woke up alone, tucked into bed with the covers pulled up above my shoulders. Shaking my head, I cleared the fogginess of sleep, and the sting of embarrassment at losing it so completely in front of Bash. I was glad he'd left, that I didn't have to face him after weeping like a child and drenching his shirt with my tears.

Pain blossomed in my chest at the thought of his face twisting in distaste, and I closed my eyes tight to clear the image. That wasn't Bash. It was just my imagination and anxiety. No, he probably had a perfectly normal reason for deciding to leave, and at least I didn't have to explain myself further now that I was more clearheaded.

I couldn't afford to be such a victim. With only one cycle remaining, I needed to try even harder to be everyone's best friend. That is, until I could leave this place forever and banish everyone here from memory.

With a jaw-cracking yawn, I quickly dressed in some jean cutoffs and a white tank, throwing a shirt on top before I could stop myself. After my emotional outburst with Bash, I was still feeling vulnerable. Weakened—like a piece of cracked glass held together with glue. The glue was busy hardening, and it would—I would—be okay. But all it would take was one more hit, and I'd have to start collecting the pieces and fitting them back together all over again.

So, I stayed in my room, flipping through my magazines as if they would magically yield new designs and not the same ones I'd pored over a thousand times before, until my mind settled. Focusing on the design work and fabrics instead of the challenges the next month would present. At last, I was bored and hungry, forcing me out into the hallway and down to the common room.

Bash leaned against the wall opposite the kitchen, his long legs crossed at the ankles in front of him. He wore a baseball cap tucked low over his face, so all I could see was the outline of his jaw and the press of his lips while he concentrated on the cardboard-backed paper he worked on. If I snatched the paper away and looked at what he was working on, would I find my face staring back at me?

I couldn't deal with Bash right now—didn't want to dredge up the emotional turmoil that had drawn me to seek comfort in his sturdy arms.

Jace fried something on the stove, and I walked over to the kitchen, intending to get myself something to eat.

"What's up, Syl?" His eyes barely flickered to me, too fixated on frying what appeared to be brown sausages with rapidly crisping edges, drowning in a sea of sizzling and popping fat.

The smell penetrated the disgusting air freshener florals and made my mouth water.

"Can I have some of that?"

Jace looked up and frowned, giving his food a protective shake in the pan. "Yeah, I could spare a half piece."

"Thanks."

"Here for another round, huh?"

He must've heard I was on my period. I supposed it was good the news was spreading so quickly through the dorm. This way, I wouldn't have to explain myself to anyone. I mulled his words over, getting lost in my head.

"Come on, Syl. Another round here isn't so bad."

I gave a careful nod, wishing I'd gone over to Bash or had some way to excuse myself from this conversation, but I was stuck waiting here while the meat bubbled and popped.

What he wanted from me, I didn't know, and I looked back towards the hallway to find Bash watching me. He quickly looked away, his cap shielding his face again as he continued his sketch.

"Naw, it's not so bad here." But I wasn't thinking about the dorms. I was thinking about the man still leaning against the wall, his concentration focused on his drawing. I wondered if the chairs were uncomfortable for someone of his height and if maybe that was the reason he chose to stand.

Jace cleared his throat, and I looked back at him guiltily.

"Yeah, not so bad at all." He studied my face, and I tried to bring The Party Girl to the forefront.

What would she say? Probably something about how great this place was. The music. The food. The drinks. The men. But the men had narrowed down to one man in terms of my interest, and I could never tell him that.

Never be exclusive.

You're here to party.

Get laid.

Get pregnant and get out.

That's what they told us, and it'd been my motto. Maybe it would be different if this was my second cycle, if everything in the dorm felt shiny and new. Back then, I hadn't been worried about getting pregnant, and it had been fun to cut loose and drink. But now? I just wanted to be done. My interest in Bash was the only thing with even a slight hold on me about this place.

"You know, it's-it's okay to feel things here."

My gaze shot to his, but I saw only concern in his eyes. Not judgment. This from Jace, who had taken my feelings and shoved them into a blender. The man who had made me one of his puppies.

"I know why I'm here. I don't need the reminder." My tone was harsher than I'd meant it, and I instantly regretted the reprimand. Jace had been nothing but kindness and friendship since he'd returned to the breeding program, and he'd saved me several times, providing male attention that had warded off the others without demanding anything in return. "Sorry Jace, it's just been a bad couple of days."

He nodded. "Food's ready." He grabbed two plates out from the drawer in front of him and dropped a greasy sausage onto one of them. Rolling, it left a smear of brown across its path. I licked my lips, my stomach rumbling at the thought of the greasy meat.

He'd given me a whole one after promising only a half, and I looked up to find him, smiling.

"I know all about bad days, Syl. Keep your head up, okay?" He patted me on the arm and moved to prepare his plate, emptying the pan of meat into a bowl.

I took my plate over to where Bash stood. It was better to get this over with than to have it worrying me when there were so many other things I should be thinking about.

"Hey, Bash."

He grunted in greeting, and I playfully went on my toes, trying to see what he was working on. But he just hugged his makeshift table closer to his chest, looking up at me with a coldness I'd never expected to see in his deep blue eyes.

"What is it?" His icy reception was so unexpected that I fumbled for words.

"I just—Well, I wanted to apologize for earlier. I wasn't myself and—"

He cut me off before he could continue. "It's fine. Don't worry about it." His words were clipped, his tone tight, and I studied him more carefully. He appeared relaxed, but he didn't look up. Like he couldn't be bothered.

My mouth hung open. He'd never cut me off mid speech like that, and he was already returning to his sketch in obvious dismissal.

"Hey, Bash." I put my hand on his forearm, trying to ignore how the physical connection with him always made me feel. I didn't need the split focus right now. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Great, in fact. I finally got some time alone with Rebecca on our run today."

On the run I'd slept through. I guess they'd let me skip it when they'd realized I was in my room alone. Always alone. Tears threatened, and I pulled my hand away from his arm. Thankful his eyes were fixed on his paper, and he didn't notice the way his casual mention of fucking someone else killed something inside.

But that something wasn't entirely dead, and it demanded to know more, to understand the change in Bash.

"That's good. So, you're happy then?"

It was stupid. We hadn't been together, hadn't even slept together since he'd left me begging for him on the forest floor. I had no claim on him, and he had none on me. He'd stood in the corner watching me get fucked without batting an eye. No one here was exclusive. I should be happy he'd spent some time with another woman. Maybe she'd draw some of his attention, and I could stop peering over my shoulder to find him watching me, always wishing it was him taking me and not whoever I was with.

Only, I wanted every bit of his attention on me.

Anything less was unacceptable.

"Yeah, sure." Still not looking up, Bash nodded, his lips pressed together, and his brow furrowed as if he were lost in deep concentration. A concentration I was clearly disturbing.

"Well, all right then. I guess I'll, um, see you later?"

"Yep."

And just like that, I felt more alone than I ever had in this place. More than when I'd been brand new and Jace had left me. More than when I'd returned from my house with my sister's state and my mother's abuse fresh in my mind. Bash had become a permanent fixture in this place, a touchstone that I'd depended on as my time slowly dwindled and the fear of failure became more difficult to deal with.

"I'll see you tonight?" Maybe it was the tremor in my voice at the possibility of even that time with him being lost, but Bash looked up to meet my eyes, and I saw a hint of sadness swirling in their depths.

"Of course." His tone brooked no argument, no consideration of stopping, and I gave a weak laugh, hoping the tears wouldn't fall and embarrass myself further. Imagining I had some stake in a man who was here to fuck whoever he could, whenever he could, and party as much as he wanted.

He was a breeder, as was I. Even if I wished things were different, there could only be one purpose in this place, and with my last cycle starting, I needed to remember that.

Now more than ever.

The tears shimmering in Syl's eyes almost compromised my resolve. Then I remembered the pain from earlier, and how it had been so great she'd cried herself into exhaustion, passing out against my chest. I had to protect her, to make sure she had everything she wanted and needed, and I couldn't be the one to do that.

She was better off without me.

Uncomfortable with the way she studied me and the plea I saw in her eyes, I shifted my weight onto my feet. If I asked her to, would she take me into her bed again? Could we resume where we'd left things when my asthma had flared up and forced me to abandon her in the woods? Something in her expression told me we could, but doing so would be selfish and cruel. I'd be dominating her time—me, a watcher—better spent on the one thing that would make her happy. Motherhood.

Smiling at my muse, my angel, I returned my attention to drawing, letting it remind me why I would deny myself her company.

"See you later?" There was a question in her voice that I hated.

Of course, she would see me later. She'd see me all day, watching her from the shadows, as I should. And she'd see me in the night, giving her drawing lessons. If I could superimpose myself onto her eyelids so she saw me every time she blinked, I'd do that too.

Sighing, I added a few more strokes, satisfied my sketch was near completion. I had a new crying picture to replace the ones I'd drawn of a smaller, grainier version of her on the monitor. This one was in a terrible amount of crushing detail. Syl's beautiful face, so alive and real and fucking sad that I wanted to wipe the tear running down her cheek away and do whatever I could to make things better. Only staying the fuck away from her was how I did that.

Fuck.

At least the baseball cap from Cam was proving helpful, and I tugged it down, ever aware of the cameras in the room.

Syl mostly kept to herself, and with my resolve firmly set, I did my best to stay out of her way. Knowing I would at least have her one last time at her breeding party was my only comfort. I'd leave right now if I wasn't a selfish bastard who wanted her badly enough to stay these last two weeks. But then I had it planned out. I'd claim food poisoning from some bad chicken wings and head back to wait out the final two weeks of my family leave at the cabin in the woods.

I'd leave Syl in peace, to have what she wanted and be who she wanted—things only achievable with my defective self out of the picture.

I'd known it was coming, but Family Day still crept up on me, and I didn't miss how miserable Syl seemed about going for her visitation. Pale-faced, she startled when her name and house were called, not sparing me a backward glance as she headed out the door. I took that as a good sign. My goal now was to be forgettable, to enjoy her presence while making my own as small as possible.

But then they called me, or rather, the man I was impersonating, and I was led down the path to a house I'd never seen in my life. With a smile and a nod, I dismissed the ruddy faced coordinator who had first brought me to Syl's breeding party.

The cabin was a walk from the house, and I took it slowly, letting the cool breeze soothe the burn of air freshener lingering in my lungs. The longer I stayed indoors, the worse the stuff affected me, and I knew they'd be replacing the air fresheners during the monthly deep clean. Which meant the shit would be new and more irritating to my tight chest when I returned.

A light drizzle started, and I stopped to tip my face back and feel the cooling droplets on my skin. The pine scent and birdsong of the outdoors had always soothed me, and I let it remind me that once I left the breeding program, left Syl, I would still have this.

Only, for my three years as a watcher, I'd barely stepped a foot outside. Would I go back to the way I was then, once Syl was out of my life? Or worse, would I return to my box of a room to find her on my monitor going through her heat with a new set of breeders?

A vise gripped my heart at the thought of once again being her watcher, but that's the role I was working to accept. I watched her now, not participating. Sure she wasn't a grainy image, and her laugh came through in surround sound, but it would be much the same on my soundless monitor.

Always an observer.

A defective like me could be nothing more.

My cabin came into view, and I gratefully climbed the two planks of wood serving as front steps to seek shelter within. I'd left a few articles of clothing inside and changed out of my wet gear before sitting heavily on the bed. The mirror I'd used to cut my hair to become Bash still stood on the counter and the food I'd brought but never used had gone moldy from being left out.

That was a travesty, and I looked away guiltily. Humans starved just outside our borders. I could've at least thrown it outside, but I'd been too consumed with the idea of meeting Syl to think it through. Not when my angel was so close to being within my reach.

Only, now I'd had her. While sinking into her body and hearing her laugh had truly been a taste of heaven, I knew just how far apart I was from her, and how stupid I'd been to think I could be worthy of her attention. I screwed my eyes shut at the pain of losing her, wondering if it would ever ease or if the dark place that had consumed my years as a watcher would rise up and welcome me home.

I could feel it threatening to claim me already. Every plan I made that brought me further from Syl also took me away from the spark of interest she'd pulled from me. An interest in a life that hadn't felt worth living before she'd cried on my monitor and her pain had made me feel something again.

With a sigh, I stood up and cleaned the cabin, taking the moldy food out into the woods and leaving it there, hoping some animal might find it palatable enough to eat before packing my scattered clothing and mirror. I left the cabin tidy and ready for me to return to once I'd said farewell to Syl.

Elise looked worse than she had when last I'd seen her. The hair on her head that peeked out through a colourful bandana, no doubt set to hide its thinning, was brittle and lifeless. Her arms, too, were thin, and the smile she gave me was skeletal.

"You could leave, Elise, run away. You don't have to stay in the fields."

But Elise just shook her head, a strange fire coming to life in her eyes—the most alive thing about her.

"No, Syl, what I'm doing is important. It's right. This is the only way I can serve the pack, and while it might be uncomfortable sometimes—"

"Uncomfortable? You call this uncomfortable? Elise, it's killing you." I'd wanted her to shout and scream when I laid out her fate so clearly, but Elise only smiled wide enough to show me a gap in her front teeth.

"Yes, but this is my choice now, Syl. I might die, but the pack will live on, and the pack is everything. Besides, I'm about to start my rest cycle. I'll heal up and get back to the fields soon." Elise's eyes took on a dreamy quality, but I didn't think she'd be able to rest up from this.

She was a living skeleton where once had stood my sister. What's worse, she sounded so sure of herself, and I hated it. I wanted to grab her arm, to shake her and scream until the fiery woman who had put on lipstick and danced naked under the full moon would rear her head, but I couldn't. Not when her arm was pathetically frail, and I worried what shaking her would do to her depleted body.

"I don't want this for you. Maybe you could ask them to release you."

"What? And accept banishment?" Elise shook her head firmly, her eyes clear. It wasn't much of a choice and I knew that. She could take her chances in the world—packless, friendless, likely hunted by starving humans for her meat—or she could face the certain death the poisoned fields were rapidly leading her towards.

What would I pick if faced with the choice? I had no idea what was out there, but now, seeing Elise, maybe a chance was worth the certainty of the horrific death she faced. Would I make that choice? I didn't know, but with one cycle remaining to conceive, the choice might be mine to face one day, and I turned it over in my mind. The pack was all I'd ever known, and while I'd met a human raider once who had tried to spear me as a child, the fear of them was foggy and old compared to the horrors ravaging Elise's body.

Her rainbow bandana came loose, exposing a patch of flakey skin on the side of her head where hair should've been growing—thick and luscious brown.

"I want my life to mean something more. I won't leave my pack, Syl. It's not who I am."

My mouth dropped, and I struggled to find the right words, the ones that would change her mind. But there weren't any, and I could only nod thoughtfully at her words.

Tears sprang to her eyes, and she pulled out a deck of cards from her pockets. "Now, do you want to play rummy?"

I fucking hated the game, but I knew this could be one of the last times I saw my sister alive. Nodding, I reached for the offered cards, shocked when I had a three king meld right off the bat. I was devising a strategy around my other cards, my focus on Elise and the glimmer of life I saw in her eyes when I heard the sound of someone approaching.

But I hadn't been to visit my mother, and she entered the room with an indignant huff.

"Not even coming to see me, Syl? This is family day, isn't it? Am I not family anymore?"

I'd seen the look on her face a thousand times before, and I didn't miss the way Elise hunched her shoulders forward to make her tiny body that much more invisible.

"Yes, and Elise is my family, too, Mother. So, I'm visiting with her."

My mother's face went red and blotchy with rage, and she reached down to roughly grab my upper arm and drag me to my feet. I twisted out of her grasp.

This place, this world, had left me pissed off and itching for a fight, and I wasn't going to take her punishment anymore.

"Don't fucking touch me. You've never been my family, Mother. You've been my bully. Now, you get the fuck back to your compartment, or I'll go to the administrator of 14F. Maybe no one would listen to a child, but they'd listen to a future pack mother, wouldn't they?" I grinned, relishing the way my mother's face went pale with fear.

"You wouldn't dare."

Laughter bubbled up in my throat, spilling out in a mad cackle. The situation was ridiculous. My sister, her daughter, sat beside me half dead, and my mother was worried about a reprimand from the higher-ups?

"I'd do that, and more." I took a step forward, getting into her face and staring her down. "If you lay a finger on me again, I swear to the goddess, I'll bite it right the fuck off. Now get out. I'm visiting with my sister."

Swallowing hard, my mother cast a bewildered look at where Elise sat on the couch, as if just realizing she was there, before turning and stumbling out the door.

I'd done it. Years of suffering her pinches and jabs, of allowing her to push me around, I'd broken free.

Sitting back down on the kids' couch, I turned to my sister. Elise held the cards she'd brought in trembling hands. I should've felt triumphant at having at least risen to my mother's challenge and bested her, but Elise's gaunt figure brought me back to my new sad reality. Her decision to stay meant I would lose her soon, and if I failed to become pregnant this cycle, I might be joining her. With a sigh, I settled back into the patchwork cushions.

"Come on, Elise, let's play."

Still emotionally reeling from standing up to my mother, Elise's state, and my own failure to conceive, I eyed the mattresses being spread across the floor with distaste.

Movie night. Of course.

Heading to the kitchen, I fished out a beer from the fridge. I needed the numbness that alcohol brought, and I chugged it back when Jace approached.

"Hey, you gonna be okay tonight?"

I eyed him, noting the concern in his eyes and fucking hating it.

"I'm fine, and I don't need you blocking the other guys anymore."

Jace cocked an eyebrow at me, reaching past to grab a bottle of his own.

"No? You sure? Because you're not looking so hot."

I wasn't, and I knew it. Seeing my sister and saying what I felt sure was a goodbye to her had taken its toll, especially because it was starting to become clear that I was looking into my own future. Every bit of iron willed resolve I had going into this cycle was starting to give way to despair. Six cycles and not a single conception, even with all the bed hopping I'd been doing. It seemed unlikely this would be the one to take, but I had to try.

With my emotions and my need to play The Party Girl so at odds with each other, the numbing haze of alcohol was my way forward, and I nodded at Jace.

"I'm sure, Jace. You don't need to worry about me anymore. Your job is done. Go, be free or whatever. Fuck around. Do your thing."

But this Jace was different from the one I'd known, and he lingered a moment before taking his beer and going to help with the movie night set up.

I didn't see Bash anywhere. His spot at the wall was sadly empty. I fucking hated how I still looked for him, as if I expected his recent coldness to have abated, and I'd find him smiling at me and welcoming me into his arms.

Into his arms. What a joke I was. With tears threatening, I reached into the fridge and pulled out another beer. Cracking the twist, I took a swig of the cool, frothy liquid, savouring the way it tingled on my tongue and the release of tension it would provide.

I needed this to drink until Elise and Bash faded from memory, and I could just sink into oblivion. Get myself to the place where I could successfully play The Party Girl for my remaining time.

One last cycle. One last try—and fuck everything if I wasn't going to give it my all.

Bash

When I returned to the dorm, Syl was getting plastered in the kitchen and the couch had been pushed back from the TV with mattresses getting spread out across the floor.

"Hey guys, what's going on here?"

Kevin dropped the mattress he was positioning with a thud and looked up with a grin.

"Movie night, man."

Brows furrowed, I tried to make sense of the room's rapid readjustment from couch space to one enormous bed.

"This is…for a movie?"

Annoyed, Kevin adjusted the mattress on the floor to align with the surrounding ones until all the mattresses were flush with one another.

"Yeah, man. Somebody found this old fucked-up horror movie behind their dresser. Something about a weird shadow hunting down and flaying a group of students. Should be good."

"I see, and won't people be missing their beds?" I gestured to the setup.

Kevin looked up at me, his eyes twinkling and the whites of his teeth shining.

"Oh, there are quite a few of us already planning to double and triple up. ‘Sides, we can always sleep out here, right?" He laughed, grabbing a pillow from the couch and fluffing it before he threw it onto the middle of the mattress he'd just placed.

Right. This place was so strange sometimes. Just when I was getting used to the bone-rattling music they played every night, now we were hanging out and watching a movie like a group of kids. With a shrug, I kept my back to the camera in the painting on the far wall and sidled around the setup, making my way to the kitchen to grab a bite of food.

But when I opened the fridge, it was filled with fresh beers already chilling, and I grabbed one by its icy neck. I'd had alcohol from time to time, but worried I wouldn't be able to keep my wits under its effects. I hadn't had all that much since coming to the dorm. With thoughts of saying goodbye to Syl still tormenting me, I decided I'd indulge. Just this once.

At the very least, it might make this crappy sounding movie a bit more interesting.

But just as I was about to claim a spot on the couch, the same shaggy-haired blonde guy who had interrupted Syl and me in my room stepped in my path.

"Hey, man. It's Bash, right?"

I eyed him up and down, noting the way he fidgeted with his hands and shifted on his feet.

"Yeah, who wants to know?" I checked my hat, pulling it forward to shield my face, though I knew I'd put the camera to my back.

"Jace. We met a while back. Anyway, that's not important. Can I talk to you for a sec? Alone?"

Palms growing sweaty as I pondered what reason he'd have for wanting a private audience, I said, "Sure."

I followed Jace down the hallway. He was a relative stranger in this place, so what could he have to say? Did he find some kind of clue that I didn't belong here? I felt for the puffer in my jogging pants, feeling the comforting shape of hard plastic through the cotton.

With a nervous cough, Jace led me into his room and gestured for me to have a seat on his unmade bed. Unwilling to see just how popular Jace was with the ladies, I declined his offer to sit with a shake of my head and looked at him expectantly.

"It's about Syl."

Surprised, I stood a little straighter, my whole being activated by that one word. "Okay."

"Well, she's…" Jace licked his lips nervously, rolling his shoulders like he was buying time to think. "She's off somehow. Behaving weird, and I'm worried about her."

Behaving weird. That wasn't much to go on, and I wracked my brain for the last time I'd seen my angel. She'd been clearly nervous about going to visit with her family, but otherwise her normal self.

But Jace, a legit member of Pack Breeders 103C, couldn't know just how interested I was in her. I shrugged my shoulders, leaning back against his wall and doing my best to be nonchalant.

"Okay, so?"

Jace's mouth fell open and his eyes widened comically, surprise so evident on his face that I knew he'd never had to be discreet. Never had to hide anything from anyone. Never had to play a role in order to survive.

I hated him for it. This legitimate breeder who had been given everything in life that I hadn't.

"So, I've seen you watching her, man. I figured maybe you'd care."

I stood away from the wall. "Guess you figured wrong."

Jace's mouth worked. "Well, she cares about you, and she's a good person, so maybe you could show some decency and listen for a minute."

That stopped me in my tracks. How the fuck did this guy know Syl cared about me? The thought of her caring for me, of pining for me even a little bit, stayed my hand on the knob.

"All right, I'm listening." Turning half my body towards him, I waited for Jace to say more, but I kept my hand on the knob so he'd know I wasn't planning to stay long.

"She's acting erratic. Off. I don't know what she'll do, but just help me keep an eye on her?"

My heart clenched at the look of concern on his face. "And what's she to you? Why are you so invested?"

Jace looked away guiltily. "Because I owe her."

He kept his eyes averted, and I realized that was as much as I was going to get from him.

"I'll watch her." I turned the knob, and as I left, I heard him mutter a thanks before the door clicked shut.

The common room was filling up, and I took my beer over to secure the last spot on the couch. Syl was perched on the arm at the other end, beer in her hand, and laughing and touching the guy beside her.

Was she okay? She looked pretty damned good to me. Her loose ash-blonde waves framed a flushed face. Nothing seemed amiss, but I thought of Jace's words and looked for any signs of strangeness, noticing how she seemed to be too into the guy beside her. Handsy even.

Speakers blared to life, and whoops from excited movie watchers echoed around me. Somebody had set up a surround sound for movie night, and of course I'd sat right the fuck next to one. Probably why nobody wanted this spot.

Syl moved onto the guy's lap, and I had to look away, fixing my eyes on the TV to see a man being brutally murdered. His attacker followed him to the ground and stabbed him repeatedly in a spray of brownish red that didn't quite look like blood. I laughed, really laughed, at the sight. Fucking cheap effects. The beer was doing its work, and my muscles loosened as it worked its way into my system.

The man's shadow came to life just as somebody handed me another beer. Fuck yeah. Shadow motherfucker took revenge on the murderer, somehow peeling off his skin with shadow power? I didn't get it, but the peeled face of the murderer was very satisfying. Only the shadow didn't stop there, drifting out through a window like a puff of smoke.

A soft moan that haunted my dreams caught my attention, and I looked over to see Syl with her pants off, riding the cock of the guy on the other end of the couch.

Fuck. She faced the screen, her mouth parted as the guy pulled up her shirt to play with her breasts. The guy in the middle had stopped watching the film and started playing with Syl's other breast. She moaned beautifully under his touch.

Perfection. That's what she was. An angel that I could only covet from my position on the ground. My cock strained as the man she was riding helped lift her up and down on his length, and the guy in the middle pulled down his pants to give his cock a pull.

The movie forgotten, I watched Syl in profile, drinking in the way she placed her hands on his thighs to lift herself and drive him back into her body. A body I wanted so badly to taste. My cock was rock hard by the time she came with the sweetest little coo, and the guy pulled her to him, squeezing her breast mercilessly as he worked through his own release.

Shit.This was too much. I had to pick the fucking couch. Syl turned around with a drunken awkwardness and settled on the lap of the guy next to me. Her thigh settling next to mine made me jump, and it was all I could do to stare as she positioned him at her entrance.

He was a smaller guy with curly brown hair, and he pressed his head back into the cushions, groaning as Syl took him into her body. She gave a chuckle, grabbing the beer from his hand and chugging it before lifting herself up and sliding back down along his length.

I should leave. I should really fucking leave, but I couldn't. My body simply wouldn't obey my commands. Too intrigued at the possibility of having her again, right here, right like this in front of everybody, even if they weren't really watching us. Hell, just having her again after pushing her away and planning to leave.

Aroused beyond imagining, I drank the rest of the beer and reached down to set it on the floor beside me.

It was going to be a long fucking wait for my turn.

Lost in sensation, the world felt far away and yet impossibly close. I swayed back to find the man in front of me swirling as the dizziness set in. I laughed, sitting more forward and working his cock as I pressed his permanently confused face into my breasts.

It was like he'd never done this before, and I squinted at him, trying to bring his name to memory. But fuck it, whether he was new or had been here all along, he was just another cock for The Party Girl to impale herself on. I reached down to play with my swollen clit, still tingling from my last orgasm.

Yeah, he was close already. Definitely not someone who had been fucking around all that much in the dorm, and I picked up the pace, feeling myself getting closer to cresting. Fuck boy came before I got there, shooting himself into me with panting breaths and an "ah, ah, ah", his legs shaking as he spilled his load.

Maybe this would be the one who got me pregnant, this boyish man who didn't know what he was doing. I'd have his children and be safe. A tear threatened, and I laughed through it, burying myself in his neck.

But the man was spent, and there was another waiting beside me. I turned to face the screen, not surprised when I found he had already pulled his pants down in readiness. He was large, and his hands matched his body, taking hold of my hips as he speared me on his eager cock.

The stretch of him burned before melting into a feeling of fullness that made me gasp. His hands moved up my body, cupping a breast gently, before pinching a nipple. Fuck, that was hot. The mix of rough and gentle was exactly what I'd been craving, and I let the drunken haze take over, settling into the sensation as I bounced up and down on his large cock.

Only, it felt too fucking good. Like, really good. The kind of fuck I'd been craving, and I wanted more than his hands on me. I wanted every bit of his flesh to touch mine.

I pulled away briefly to turn and face him. Burying my face in his neck, I settled back on his cock with a relieved gasp as the fullness of him returned. Then he tilted my chin up and brought his mouth to mine, his hands moving up and down my back. The alcohol made everything blur, but the sensation between us stood out, refusing to be numbed.

Fucking heaven. I stayed completely still as my body adjusted to him, not able to comprehend increasing the friction between us. I wanted to soak in this moment, but the man was eager, cupping my ass and lifting me to thrust upwards. It was all I could do to cling to him, pulling his head to my chest, knowing my long fingernails were scraping into his scalp but not caring.

He lifted me higher. More friction. More tension. Swirling and rising within me. It would break me. This feeling was too much. There was a familiarity to it, and a strange sense of relief, like I'd been gone too long and had finally come home. I pulled back to taste his lips, and my drunken mind recognized who it was.

Bash. The dark blue of his eyes, filled with feral need, stared back at me. Emotions swelled up to the surface, and I stroked his cheek, seeing him more and more clearly. Bash, on the couch, his lips swollen from my kisses, his cock moving in and out of me in a maddeningly steady rhythm that I knew would be lost once he gave in.

The alcohol was supposed to numb this, to take away all feelings, but now I felt them more keenly. I leaned forward to kiss Bash, rubbing my thumb across his cheek.

If he wouldn't set the rhythm, I would. Faster, I worked him, my hands moving up and across his chest. My fingertips knowing the shape of him from a memory that had been rapidly fading.

Not anymore. I gasped into his mouth as his thumb found my swollen clit and circled it. Faster. Harder. I barreled towards it, the fire in me rising up to meet him. He wrapped me tight, looping his muscular arms under mine and gripping my shoulders. He lifted me and pulled me down hard enough to fill the air with the slapping of flesh.

The Party Girl had been fucking around endlessly since I'd been with Bash, but now it felt like I hadn't had sex in months. My body was achingly desperate for each stroke of his, and then he was slamming me down and groaning into my neck. The release took me, my walls clenching on him even as he throbbed inside of me.

But I wasn't done with him. Would never be done with him. I pulled back to kiss him, stroking his face, his body like I had to convince myself he was real. He was doing the same—kissing me back with a heart-wrenching tenderness as he explored my body with trembling hands.

"Bash." His name felt so good on my lips, in my mouth, and he trailed kisses along my jaw and across my neck, worshiping every inch of my skin. I'd missed him, and the ache in my chest was soothed by his presence. "Where have you been?"

Goddess, I sounded so stupid, like he hadn't been right here in the dorm this whole time, watching me get fucked by other men but not trying to take me himself. Not trying to chase me during a run—just not there.

He didn't answer me, and I yelped when he nibbled along my neck, the sharp edge of his teeth on the sensitive skin awakening something in me. I arched my neck towards him, and he licked along the nip, soothing it with his tongue.

Could he taste my blood? I wanted him to, wanted his teeth in me.

"Syl, I—"

The husky edge of his voice sent a shiver through me. I pulled back to study his face.

"What?" He'd been about to say something, and I wanted that, wanted some kind of explanation for his behaviour, but he just stared at me. His eyes drifted from mine and down to my lips until he leaned forward to kiss me.

Only opening a conversation with him had swept back the curtain, revealing the depths of hurt he'd left me with when he'd grown cold after I'd cried myself to sleep in his arms.

"No, you tell me what. I cry myself to sleep in your arms, show you I'm a person, and suddenly you don't want me anymore?" The painful reminder of that moment before he'd changed so completely had ruined the fragile peace between us. Tears flowed, rolling down my cheeks, and I sobbed, hoping he'd explain himself, wanting him to talk to me, but he didn't. His lips pressed together. He studied me while I waited.

Too fucking long. I'd waited too fucking long, and I'd done exactly what I'd promised myself I wouldn't do. Had sex with Bash again.

Tears still streaming from my cheeks to dribble pathetically from my quivering chin, I stood up with a sob. Everything in me rebelled at the loss of comfort and contact. But I had a shred of dignity left, and Bash could offer no explanation for his cruelty. Stumbling back towards my room, I sobbed my way down the hallway, crawling into the softness of my bed and curling into a tight ball.

Sex was supposed to be just that, sex. A bodily need being fulfilled by another. Sex, I could do. Sex, I was used to. The problem was, with Bash, it didn't feel like sex.

It felt like love.