Chapter 20

When I'd gone to bed, it'd been with the image of Syl's grin in my mind—the sheer joy on her face at realizing her progress had been a wonder to behold—and I'd drifted off easily, imagining how her happiness would grow now that we could move on to proportions and perspective.

But when I woke up and headed into the common area, I found a very different Syl sitting at the dining table in the same spot. Her hair was pinned back, and she wore a black turtleneck that covered more of her skin than I was used to. She looked like a completely different person, nursing a steaming cup of coffee, with her hands curled around the earthenware like she was warming them by the fire on a chilly night. Her rosy cheeks were pale, her face drawn, and she stared at nothing.

Shocked, I took a seat beside her, settling into my usual spot without thinking and placing my hand on her arm to get her attention.

"Hey."

Startled blue eyes met mine, and I squeezed her arm comfortingly, my fingers digging into the thick knit of her sweater.

"Are you all right?" Would she even tell me if she was? I knew Carter was doing shit to her when he took her back to her room, but she'd been so resistant to me that I hadn't known how to intervene.

"Yes, fine."

But she didn't look fine, and the tight-lipped smile she gave me was anything but. I shook her arm gently, careful not to jostle her enough to jeopardize her grip on her coffee.

"You can tell me." You can trust me. The words were unspoken, but I hoped she understood that I'd do anything to help her.

Her gaze met mine and softened. I smiled encouragingly, but just as she opened her mouth to speak, Carter came into the room with one of his buddies. He laughed at something the other man had said, startling us. I jerked my hand back without thinking, uncertain if it was for Syl's sake or for mine.

"Hi yah, another beautiful day. Hey, babe." His arm rested on Syl's shoulder protectively, and I didn't miss her tense or the brief look of disgust flitting across her features. "Sup, man?"

I was surprised to find Carter addressing me. After Syl had gone back to him, I'd avoided any form of contact with the asshole. I gave a noncommittal grunt in reply, hoping he'd leave so I could keep talking to Syl. He didn't, instead pulling a chair around so he could sit next to Syl.

Obviously out of sorts, she tensed when he settled an arm across her shoulders, and I felt a deep growl rumbling into my chest. I quickly masked it with a cough when Syl shot me a glare.

I brought my hands under the table, pressing my white-knuckled fists into my thighs to keep my rising temper hidden for Syl's sake.

"Hey." There was nothing encouraging about her greeting to Carter, but he pulled her stiff body towards him and whispered something in her ear while watching me.

She cleared her throat and gave him a watery smile. "No, sorry, I'm on my period, so…" Her voice trailed off into a whisper, but I wouldn't have heard it if she'd continued at her normal volume.

Her period.Elated, I tried and failed to keep a smile from flitting across my face, pulling the brim of Cam's baseball cap forward to hide my expression. She'd be here for my second month of leave. I'd felt she would be, but part of me had worried she'd get pregnant this cycle and return home. I had just one more of her cycles before I would be forced to return as a watcher.

She didn't sound elated, though, and I studied the way she clung to her mug all the tighter. Her shoulders hunched forward to make herself small.

Carter had gone rigid beside her, his casual demeanor disturbed by her words.

"Okay, cool. Let me know when you're ready to get back in the saddle." He chuckled at his own joke, gesturing to his crotch as if we wouldn't understand he was the saddle, before standing up. I wanted to punch him in the dick. Now that Syl was on her period and not interested in sex, he headed off with his friend to the kitchen, abandoning her, and not caring for the way her eyes stayed downcast.

I bristled, glad he was gone, but annoyed I could still hear his aggravating voice and that of his friend in the kitchen. But I had Syl to think about.

"Can we go back to your room? Please?" My only thought was to get her out of here, somewhere quiet where she could unburden herself, and I could find a way to dispel the dark cloud she'd fallen under.

Syl's eyes shot to mine, and she nodded.

Just like that, I was back in. I followed close behind as Syl opened the door to her room and ushered me inside. She took a seat on the bed, her legs pressed together nervously. I sat beside her, leaving some space between us and trying not to rock the bed. But I needn't have worried about her spilling her drink. She still clutched it tightly in her hands like it was a lifeline.

"So, are you all right?" I repeated my question from before we were interrupted.

"Yeah, it's just. My period started last night, and—" She didn't elaborate, tilting her head up to the ceiling and breathing as though she had a weight pressing down on her chest.

"And?"

Tears streamed down her face, falling backwards to trace the contours of her face. Beautiful. An angel crying.

But I was no angel, and I wanted so badly to find out what exactly was bothering her so I could fix it.

"And I'm not pregnant, Bash. I-I—" Her words dissolved into tears, and she abandoned her mug to clutch me instead, falling into my chest. My arms wrapped around her shuddering body to offer her the comfort of my presence.

"You want that so badly to be a mother?"

She shook her head against me, crying all the harder, and I shut my stupid mouth, stroking the soft gossamer of her hair.

The love I had for the woman in my arms was endless, and I felt her pain as if it were my own, thankful she couldn't see the tears welling in my eyes and threatening to spill over to wet her head. I couldn't help her with what she wanted, and the pain of knowing just how fucking useless and defective I was cut deep. I tucked her into my chest, pulling her onto my lap so we pressed together, every inch of me wanting to comfort her, all the while knowing I couldn't be what she needed.

She wanted to be a mother, but I was no breeder. Just a watcher, an ineffective piece of equipment meant to ensure she moved along on her journey to motherhood. But at least I could do this. My useless body could be warmth and tenderness. I stroked her back, reveling in the way her soft body curled into mine, settling into me like it was perfectly natural. Like she felt safe with me.

Lost in thought, I didn't notice she'd fallen asleep until a soft sigh caught my attention. Her hair had come undone from its clip, the wildness of her waves unwilling to be contained, and I gently brushed a few ash-blonde tendrils aside, trying not to disturb her.

Now I knew why the crying girl cried, and why it could never be me who made her happy.