19. Dima

NINETEEN

Dima

T rying to be helpful has fucking failed when Ana's body loses all energy and she stares in horror at the random piece of paper in my hand. The tape has peeled away a layer and her face falls before her tears do. Fuck. She shouldn't cry, she's a hellion. A mournful sob crumples her entire body and I move forward, catching her before her head hits the floor.She's folded in half with sob after sob wracking through her body, shaking her and me as her lungs rattle from the force of her heartbreak.

It was a blank piece of paper, barely big enough to be a scrap. That doesn't alter her grief and she clings to me as more hot tears burn a path down her cheeks. Her fingers claw against my shoulders, and she can't even get a word out as she struggles to breathe. The sob leaving her rips through me, etching pain into my bones from the deep anguish she lets out.

Everything she's fucking been through and I'm the cunt who made her fucking cry.

I pick her up and keep her cradled in my arms as I slowly sit back, waiting for it to stop. There's no anger in her body as she continues to claw at my t-shirt until her arms are wrapped around my neck. I don't move, content in allowing her to choke me, but she doesn't, she's hugging me. My hellion who reacts to everything with violence is hugging me as she cries.

I don't know how long I sit there for, but the tears don't stop, and my ass is numb from the hard floor. The wet patch on my t-shirt grows, seeping down to my chest exactly like it is inside and I band my arms tighter around her as I force myself up and sit on the edge of the bed.

There's no reaction but she's stopped shaking and I cup the back of her head to give her my apology.

"I'm sorry, lisichka." She can't even hear me.I'll do anything so Ana is the hellion again and easily offer, "Do you want to stab me?"

There's no anger or response. Violence is her preferred method of communication, not fucking tears. Never tears. I've witnessed people bury their loved ones with less grief than what's currently working through her entire body. Whatever was on that tape kept her together.

She draws in a shaky breath and whispers more to herself than me. "It's ruined, I lost everything."

The tears come faster than my shoulder can soak them up as she deflates against me, her arms loosening around my neck, and she rests her cheek on my shoulder. Her chest stutters as she tries to breathe. I've wished to see her real eyes ever since I knew they existed, the moments the thin blue crescent would show became some the best parts of my day when she was working, but now I hate it. Her contacts have slipped out of alignment and she's too distraught to blink.

Using the side of my finger, I try to wipe her tears away. They're hot and burn, leaving red splotches on her cheeks. My hellion is still unblinking as her face shatters around another sob, and she chokes, "No one will smile at me anymore."

The sobs turn more violent, and her tears run into her mouth as she shudders.

"I'll smile at you, lisichka."

She doesn't hear my promise. I've been forcing my lips to move whenever she's in front of me. The majority of the time there's no force required but I do it now and try to pull her away from my shoulder so she can see me make good on the words. It doesn't help and I'm fucking useless, rubbing her back as though that will be any comfort for the desolation.

I don't know how long she cries for. Each time it peters out it, they start again with a new thought. The sun has already come up but it's not a new day with her grief. Ana rolls her neck on my shoulder to look up at me. Fuck, her eyes are red, matching the tops of her cheeks and the tip of her nose. Her arms slowly slip from my neck and limply fall to her sides while she just stares through me.

I press my lips to her forehead, the only part of her face that isn't soaked into salty tears and beg, "Come back to me, lisichka, I'll get you whatever you want."

Her face is hot against my palm as I cup her cheek, refusing to let go of her, and clear the tears that are slowly slipping over her skin.

"We'll go kill someone, you can make heartbeat noises, okay?"

The haunting voice that leaves her pauses time.

"I only ever had my sticker, but you ripped it."

My eyes close with the weight of the guilt bearing down on me and I rest my cheek on her temple.

"I'm sorry, lisichka. I'm so fucking sorry, I didn't mean to."

My voice is weak and small, unfamiliar to my own ears.

"It was mine and you killed it," she says. Her lips wobbles around the accusation and brush my jaw, making my chest crack.

She's personifying a smiley face sticker. A sticker. Not something expensive or coveted — a shitty piece of paper.

"I've lost it now, I don't have it anymore, even when I saved it from Yulia."

A fucking sticker. Something a kid loses excitement over after three seconds, but she's kept it for over twenty years despite it being faded to fuck. The silent tears are worse than the sobs. They sink me and for the first time in my life, I know I'm a piece of shit.

I'll fix this shit, buy her the exact same sticker a thousand times over so it will never be taken away again.

Standing up with Ana still attached to me, I walk us into the bathroom and sit her on the vanity. Her eyes are going to be sore as fuck and I know how badly I've fucked up when she takes her contacts out without any hesitation. There's no acknowledgement as she stares into space, and I run the water, waiting for it to heat. She doesn't ask what I'm doing or look at me when I run a washcloth under the warm spray. I've broken the strongest person to exist, and my apology is in my hands as I gently clean her face.

Her hands are limply clasped together on her thighs, and she looks up at me when I cup her cheeks in both hands. My voice is low, not out of choice but remorse.

"Will you come somewhere with me?"

The air in my lungs freezes, waiting for her reaction. If she says no and tells me to go fuck myself, I'll know she's fine. I want her rage, a punch to the face or a physical knife in the gut rather than the one that's currently slicing me apart.

She slides off the vanity without saying a word and walks ahead. She doesn't stop at the contacts on the floor to replace the ones she's taken out and keeps walking until she's out of the room. I step over the sum of her life. A notebook, a few pairs of clothes, her contacts, and some squishy, rubber thing. She's already outside, pulling on the car door handle despite it being locked, like a robot. Her body is still, and she holds the handle, just tugging it, waiting for it to open. She doesn't talk to herself or call me a dumb fuck for not unlocking the doors like she usually would. There are no thoughts behind those beautiful eyes that are seeing daylight for the first time without a film obscuring them.

I unlock the doors before I step foot outside, and she gets in with the same blank expression. Her head doesn't turn when I get in the car, and she doesn't put her seatbelt on. I speak to the shell of my hellion as I lean over her and buckle her in.

"Do you want to go to the warehouse?"

She blinks but there's no other response. Fuck. I've broken her. I press my apology to her hair and it's thicker than it used to be with floral notes clinging to it. "I'm sorry, lisichka."

We drive in silence other than the sound of her wet lashes when she blinks, even that is infrequent, and I have no fucking idea where I'm going. The craft store Dani used to live in as a kid will have stickers and shit, so I drive in that direction, hoping to fuck they have a sticker that matches what I destroyed. I've never given a fuck if someone hurts, Ana is different. My usual closed-off approach is obliterated by the innocent hellion.

Pulling up outside the crafts store she gets out, without any acknowledgement or instruction, and stands at the side of the car. Lost. That is what's written all over her face and if a piece of sticky paper will bring her back, I'll make the cunt myself.

I go to her side and stay half a step behind her, my hand automatically going to the middle of her back. The neutral zone, between the shoulder blades is platonic and lower is more. Ana doesn't react until I guide her to the sticker section, and she freezes. They're all small as fuck, different colors and hues, so I don't know if they match what I tore. But she leans into my hand and looks up at me with the widest fucking smile, and my eyes sting from the sight of it.

"My sticker."

Two words in the smallest, most innocent whisper from the lips of the most brutal killer I've ever met have my throat burning.

She pulls me with her without even touching me as she snatches up one single packet of smiley face stickers. I recognize the pale pink face, the same color she hides behind her socks. I'm fucked over this woman. She's so fucking good inside, even with blood staining her hands and all the violent thoughts she has, she's kept hold of that good and trapped it behind tape. Her nose is nearly touching the plastic and she carefully opens it to take out one sticker and gently holds it without allowing her fingers to touch the face.

Fuck, I'm a grown ass man and I'm sure there's still blood stuck to my scalp from the fights, but I want to bawl like a baby as I watch her put the plastic packaging down.

My voice is rough around the lump threatening to choke me.

"Take them all, lisichka, not just one."

Her head snaps up and her splotchy cheeks push against her lashes from how crazed her smile is. She's so gentle as she wipes her hand on her thigh before picking up the plastic and carefully putting the sticker back inside.

I'm never going to leave her side. The rest of my life is hers and I'm indebted to her, not out of guilt, it's something deeper. She doesn't take the stack on the holder, not when she was content with one sticker as the replacement instead of the full packet. I take the rest of the stock so there's not any left on the holder and guide her to the checkout while she looks at the stickers with awe.

The cunt behind the counter has all emotion leaving me, other than anger. He smirks at the pure joy on Ana's face as she protectively holds the packet. It's not in reverence like she deserves but fucking humor. As though there's anything laughable about a twenty-six-year-old woman never seeing a fucking smile all her life that she latched onto an animated fucking curve.

He pales at the sight of the ink marking the back of my fingers as I slam my hand on the counter. I don't temper my voice as I watch the blood drain from his face and order, "Get every single one you have in stock."

His eyes are fixed on the Bratva ink marking the back of my hands. Little fucking dickhead, I'm the nicer one out of the two people stood across from him. He scurries off like a cowardly little rat and I can focus on my hellion.

Fuck me, she's beautiful. Without all the bullshit she was hiding behind, the fake eyes and fake hair that didn't suit her because this is who she's supposed to be. Her eyes don't leave the stickers, there are six on the front sheet and I swear she's introducing herself to them. Dickface comes back, dragging two boxes with him and a lump in his throat. I would have left him a tip, but he had to laugh at my hellion, now he's paying for it, and I grab the boxes before he can try and demand a total. Weak cunt, they're not even that heavy.

Ana walks ahead without looking away from her stickers and she doesn't speak until we get out of the doors.

"I know he was laughing at me, I'm not dumb."

If there's one thing she isn't it's dumb, she's intelligent in an unnerving way. Aware of everything around her but it's not worth her attention so dumb fucks assume that they can get away with shit. She stays in step with me as though she knows I need her presence as I agree.

"Never dumb, take the keys out of my pocket for me."

I regret it as soon as I've asked her. I should just put the boxes down. But she doesn't pause and waits until we reach the car to slip her hand in my front pocket. I swear she's doing it purposefully and looks up with her hand far too close to my dick and smiles up at me with misplaced gratitude. I want her, she knows that I do, yet she's playing with my head and pulls her hand out, and goes into my other pocket that actually has the keys in.

There's no desire on her face, it's just gratitude and that kills my lust.

"Go in the car, I've got it."

She nods with that smile still on her face and drops the keys on top of the boxes after unlocking the doors.

I have never placed anything in the car with more care than I do with the boxes of stickers. Getting in the car, Ana's head pops up, sparing me a glance, still smiling.

Fuck, I'd kill and die for that smile.

I don't drive home and go to the breakfast place she's been researching, needing to soak up more of her without her thinking she has to repay anything. I know if she ever tells me the full extent of what the fuckers did to her, I'll burn the entire world so no one gets close to her again. While my hellion is busy introducing herself to the smiley faces, I send Tali a message so that I can take over his hobby.

Me:

Don't water Len today, it's been dealt with

Vitya:

I thought pissing on the dead was weird? Now you're copying me. Dick.

And piss on your own dad. That one's mine

Ana has studied menus, rehearsed orders of what she wants when she thinks no one is noticing, and her head snaps up when I pull over. The joy on her face is multiplied, seeing the café she wanted to visit. She's spent hours researching their menu and I hope she's back to her normal state. Her smile is unrestrained, and she carefully places the sticker sheet upside down on the dash before getting out of the car.

Without anything to hide behind, the real Ana slips out. The contacts have the same effect on her eyes as they do her personality, it dulls everything. She doesn't struggle to smile, and her shoulders are lighter as I follow her inside. The waiter seats us, but I stop him before he can leave since I already know her order.

"Buttermilk pancakes, no blueberries. Vanilla French toast. Two steak and eggs, lemon iced tea and a normal one."

My little hellion fidgets, waiting for the waiter to fuck off and she's so endearing, having manners that she's picked up from God knows where.

"Thank you, for my stickers. I know you didn't do it purposefully."

My entire body relaxes with the knowledge she doesn't hate me, and her usual chatter starts about nothing of importance. She could read the menu out to me, and I'd still be engrossed on her every word.

How the fuck has she kept this part of her alive? She's like a diamond in a world that wanted her to be coal.

She changes topics and tilts her head to look at my jaw then my temple. "Who did you fight? Someone new? I thought you were against Leon, but you would easily beat him."

I sit taller and puff my chest out, hearing the ease in her voice.

"I did, the lineup didn't change apart from you."

Her brows come together as her iced tea is set in front of her and I think she's forgotten I'm sat here when she leans forward to try it. Her nose scrunches up and she pushes it towards me.

"Yeah, that's nasty, you can have it."

She does the same with the lemon iced tea but takes a second sip to test her taste buds before settling for the drink. I order her a coffee because there's no world where she settles for anything, and she remembers her previous thought.

"So, who hit you? Was it Vlad? He's a dick but I've seen you spar, and you're matched. Did you hit him back?" she asks with her tears forgotten. "Did you record it so I can watch it?"

The waiter comes back to set our food down. I want to kill him for making her stop talking. But Little Miss Manners says thank you and her smile is solely directed at me as I push her plates over.

"It wasn't him, I got clipped a few times."

I want to see the world through her eyes, all the little things she gives importance to. But they only shine so brightly because of how dark her memories are.

She pauses with her fork in her hand and frowns, looking at each mark individually as she begins talking to herself.

"But that never happens."

I nod and lean back in my seat. "Yeah, I'm never usually distracted. Eat your food, lisichka."

Both of our phones go off at the same time. I'm not under Val's group like Ana is so it's weird as fuck for him to be messaging me, especially this early when he never does anything to do with work on a morning so he can drop Viktor off at school. There's a warning blaring in my head that it's due to Ana being their sister and not business. They can fuck themselves with a cactus if they think she's going anywhere, my home is hers now and it wouldn't feel the same without her.

As always, she begins her shit talk in between her bites. "If I punched Vlad in the face, would you stop him chasing after me?"

"Yeah," I say far too quickly. "You've already done it before though."

She nods and taps the prongs of the fork against her bottom lip. "Hmm, that was different. Now that we're family I'm allowed to do it, like Katya does to you."

She rolls her eyes at the relation and despite the fact that she didn't grow up with her brothers, she's settled in the usual sibling bullshit.

"Katya takes the piss and tests the limits because she knows I won't do anything back. When she was younger, around Viktor's age, she would fight Tali and Val at the same time. We'd have to restrain them all and send them to different rooms to stop them doing it."

It feels like a lifetime ago that I was separating teenagers while they argued. It always started over dumb shit like Tali using her hairspray or Val wanting one of her friends' phone numbers.

Ana sets her fork on the edge of her plate and her voice lowers as she stares at the table between us. Looking back up with a wide smile, she narrows her eyes and becomes playful. "So, what you're saying is that I should kick the shit out of everyone because that's what normal families do?"

I nod and gesture to her food. "Eat before it gets cold."