18. Ana

EIGHTEEN

Ana

W hy do I like Dima touching me?

I don't like it when people touch my face, it always reminds me of someone sweating over me. But when he does it, I don't want him to stop. It's always gentle and he always smiles, I hate him. I hate that he's in my head and he's being nice when it's not fake. And that he helps me and sees me, not Ana but me.

He's a fucking idiot and I should wreck his house but then I'd feel bad. It's weird being alone in the space and I expect someone to jump out at me as I run to my room. One where Dima annoyingly built furniture when I refused to buy anything. Jackass.

I've got used to being inside during the night and I don't have any ID to be able to get a hotel. Why does everything keep going upside down when I feel like I know what's happening? I spent my enter life by myself, I know how to live like that. Now, I have people who keep calling me family, not just one but six people. One of them is a child and Dani is going to have her baby soon which means there'll be another one. Then Inessa will have her baby and there'll be another. Eight people after having nobody.

I don't slam the door and pull my bag forward as I sit against the door with my knees up. Taking my notebook out, I use more lines than I usually do, talking to the only person who has always been there.

The front door opens, cutting off my conversation, and I quickly shove everything in my bag. My sticker is still on the floor, and I gently place it on top so it doesn't get damaged, and wait for Dima to stomp up the stairs. I know he fought, I stayed at the edge of the warehouse, watching him as he got into the cage extra grumpy, and he didn't wash the blood off. He normally doesn't like it being on his skin for too long, but he must have been pissed because he thought I didn't know what I was doing. I did. All three of them were going to fight me and then I would kill them when they were tired because they kept talking about how easy it would be to make me blow them. Dumb fucks, mouths can be weapons too and I'd never let them touch me with their dirty dicks.

Dima usually goes to his room to shower after a fight, but his steps are slow, and he pauses outside the door.I freeze with the strap of my bag on one shoulder and watch the lights move under the door, showing his hesitation.

Fuck it, I'll jump out of the window. He's stood outside the door so at least I won't land on him this time. I keep my steps silent and go to the window, making sure nothing alerts him to the fact that I'm inside. I manage to get one leg out when there's a soft knock on the wood. His voice comes through next, and I freeze.

"Can I come in?"

It's his house, why is he asking me what he can do?

My urgency is increased as he knocks again, and I end up slamming my knee off the windowsill as I try to push my body out. I nearly fall out of the damn thing when he bursts through the door. His nostrils are flared and he's even bigger as he reaches me in four steps before I can jump out. He grabs my arm, pulling me inside while I plot another escape. My head is all messed up and I don't want to hurt him, he already got punched in the ribs and there's a cut on his forehead that wasn't there when I left the warehouse. There's a red mark on his jaw too. They have my full focus because I've seen him fight, he's never taken a shot to the head, or the face, he always manages to block them. His opponent must have been someone new because there's no one's skill level that I can think of who would be able to get past him.

The hand on my arm drops straight away and he speaks softly despite the anger on his face, an apology weaving between his demand.

"Don't leave, you can stay."

He's being polite, he doesn't know it will end badly. I'm not allowed to be close to people or they get hurt. Like Nina and Theo. No, not Nina yet. She can still be alive.

He's blocking the door and I quickly take a step backwards. His hands come out again and he cages me in with his arms. I hate that I like it. I've got used to his cologne, but he smells like soap. I miss it tickling my nose. There's anger mixing with disappointment staring back at me and he doesn't hold me tight enough to hurt. We both open our mouths at the same time, but Dima is mute.

"Why did you lie?"

He didn't offer me money, that's what usually happens first, and there was no demand for my lips to go anywhere else.

Slowly moving back, he runs his hands down my arms, and I don't like that I like that too. It feels warm and comforting. No ants. He doesn't look away from my eyes as he speaks in the new soft cadence.

"What did I lie about, lisichka?"

I should have asked why he always calls me a fox when I'm not one. But I focus on the important part of the conversation.

"You didn't give me money or say exactly what you wanted, why did you lie?"

I haven't even finished the first sentence when he hardens.The previous anger is replaced with fury, and he takes a mechanical step back. His entire body is tensed, and I can hear his teeth clenching. There are questions in his head, but his jaw is tensed unable to get them out. I think he's having another episode when he starts pacing. Each rotation there's a pause and he looks at me, nothing leaves his mouth, and he restarts.Yeah, he's definitely having another episode.

I'm not going to get an answer. I keep doing this, letting people make me think they're nice when they're not. Especially Dima. He hasn't asked me for anything until today, he always reminds me to eat, and he'll take me to search for Nina. But I'm an idiot thinking anything is different to what Yulia always said. She was right when I was sixteen and alone, there's only one thing that controls everything. And she was right that I'm cursed, I ruin things and people.

My body deflates and I'm tired again. It keeps happening, I'll be fine and then I just get tired. Sliding down the wall until I'm sat against it, I bring my knees up, uncaring that he could kick me in this position. It's the worst place to be when someone is stood but I know he won't. I don't even care if he does. I'm sick of searching, not finding anything about Nina and then people changing everything in my head. I don't know what's real or what's fake anymore. Some days I think Nina is fake, someone I made up like I have with B. A story to make myself feel better.

Dima drops to his haunches in front of me and softly says, "I didn't lie, lisichka." He pauses with his anger coming back, but it's not directed at me. "And if any little cunts say shit to you, don't hold back when you kill them. Ring me, I'll help."

He's never helped before. He always stands at the back and looks like he's going to throw up. I can imagine him doing the same thing and turning his face away from the blood.

His fingers touch my chin, tilting my face so I have to look at him and then he does something I've never witnessed before.

"I didn't say it to make you uncomfortable, and you will never have to do something because it's what I want. Okay?"

There's no lie in his voice or on his face, it's conviction. I'm usually good at filtering who the creepy perverts are, even when they're nice. It's how I know who to kill, the guards weren't going to touch me, so they got to live. Words aren't enough reason to kill people. But can they be enough reason to trust Dima?

I wish I was back at Yulia's. I knew how life worked there. This is all confusing and I feel dumb not knowing what to do. Even though I was on my own, it was simple, and I had a routine. They were right, I'm not good in the real world. Marlo and Yulia kept me away from it because I don't know how to navigate it. Or I don't know how to because they kept me away from it? I want to scream. It's overwhelming not knowing anything and that's why I'm tired. Other people just know things, but I'm forced to always think about every little thing around me, whether I'm doing it right or if people are perverts.

Dima doesn't allow me to stay in my thoughts and dips his head to catch my eyes, waiting for confirmation I understand. It's easy to lie by nodding my head. His smile comes back but it's smaller and my own lips move with his offer. "Want to kill someone?"

I want to reset my brain, but I can't with him here watching me. I force my legs to strengthen and push my back into the wall, so I don't touch him, and he follows me as I stand. He doesn't stay in my space and takes a step back, blocking the window. I move at the same time as him. If I reset then tomorrow will be okay, I'll keep looking for Nina and I'll know what to do.

I don't say anything and walk backwards towards the door. Dima doesn't try to stop me, but his moon eyes are urging me to stay. Until I turn, and he lunges forward, grabbing my bag and holding it hostage. The force of the strap being pulled from my shoulder has the contents spilling out and I freeze before throwing my arms out, trying to catch it because my sticker is in it.

My notebook and clothes hit the floor, but I search for my sticker. It's the only thing I've kept because I hid it. If I don't it will be taken away. Dropping to my knees, I push the other things out of the way in search of the small paper. My things go everywhere as I keep swiping them aside.

No, I can't lose it, it's all I have. If I lose it, then no one will smile at me anymore, I won't know anything, and I won't have anyone.

The small tab of tape where I folded it over to protect it is the first thing I see and I carefully pick up the scrap pieces of paper to uncover my sticker. A shadow falls over me at the same time and an inked hand joins in, moving things around. It's going to take it. I won't have it anymore.

I need to be faster.

But they know what I'm doing and grab the edge at the same time.

They're stronger and I try to pull it out of their hand, but the tab unpeels, bringing with it a layer of paper.

No.

My entire face falls as I follow the hand and Dima is looking at me with his brows together.

He ripped it.

My eyes slowly move back down.

It will be fine, I imagined it.

But it's not and the tape in my fingers isn't the smiley face, the eye is stuck to it while the circular sticker is in Dima's fingers.

I don't have my smiley face anymore.

He ruined it.

My vision blurs as I keep moving in a line, following the hand to the arm to the man that just killed it. It's gone, and I move back down seeing that it's dead. I just blink, waiting for it to be fixed. My sticker, it was the only thing I had. Something wet slides down my cheeks, dripping on to my thighs, but I can't move because it's dead now.