38. Anastasia

THIRTY-EIGHT

Anastasia

I smile to myself as I hear Verena mumble, “Oops, spilled it.” Then she softly knocks on Vitali’s door. “Tali, made tea for you.”

I’m hiding in the spare room he turned into my cave so I can’t see him but I know he’ll be rubbing his jaw as he opens the door and his voice is clearer than it should be. “Who helped you today?”

“Mama,” Verena says accompanied by the sound of dripping.

“Yeah, am I fuck trusting it.”

She hums instead of telling him off for cursing and her voice lowers as she asks, “Tali thinking?”

I can’t hear what he says back but she begins babbling, “Papa do thinking, and he makes sad eyes like you.”

“You want to watch movies with me, Vero? But you can’t tell the others where I hide my snacks, okay?”

Their voices get further away once the door clicks and I can’t get rid of the sinking feeling in my gut. Emotions aren’t my strong suit. They’re the thing that ruin everything and I push them away because allowing them means that I’m closer to that fourteen-year-old version of myself who only found relief in death.

I take a deep breath and stare up at the ceiling as I stretch my neck, mentally searching for something to make Tali feel better.

Kristi.

He was worried about her and I said that I’d make sure she’s okay. I don’t know what time teenagers wake up and it’s 10am, so that should’ve given her enough time to have a lie in. But when I try to call her, it says her number is disconnected.

Vitali is busy with his niece so I pull my hood over my head and quietly leave the room. I’d prefer the guards don’t see me but I can’t exactly hide in broad daylight and I have a bad feeling. Kristi wouldn’t get rid of her phone when she enjoys sending Tali random insults whenever she thinks of them. They’re both as bad as each other and he does it to her too.

Dima frowns slightly when he sees me sneaking to the side door, but Vanya pushes herself into his side, taking his attention away from me. As soon as I step outside, I regret it because I haven’t picked up any of the keys and Valentin pauses getting into his car to ask, “Do you need to go somewhere?”

I’d rather not sit with him when I heard him calling me a coke whore and straighten my shoulders. “No, it’s fine.”

“Just get in, I’ll take you wherever you need to go.”

I know he won’t try shit when he’s hopelessly in love with his wife, as he should be. But I’ve rarely been in a car with a man unless I trust them. It took Vlad and Dima seven months to gain that trust, and I hesitantly extend it to the remaining Vartanov as I get in the passenger seat.

It's awkward as fuck and I sound strange as I give Kristi’s address. Even though her number is disconnected I keep trying to call her so I don’t have to engage in small talk with Valentin.

But he’s known for being an asshole and it’s no different now as we drive. “Most people say thank you when someone does them a favor.”

“Did I ask you to do it?” I snap back.

“Calm the fuck down, I don’t know why you’re sniping at me like I’m Tali that you can shit on, but I won’t take it.”

“I don’t shit on him.”

Why am I arguing with the idiot when I know that I treat Tali like shit. I ignore him, run from him, hurt him. Even when I have no intention of doing it, I end up doing it.

Val laughs, shaking his head. “Fucking hell, if that’s you being nice to him I need to tell my brother to run.”

I fall silent, staring out of the window and pushing away the self-loathing. There isn’t an argument that I can make that would be believable when he’s right and it would be useless anyway.

Turning to the asshole, I ask, “What would be something he thinks is nice?”

Everything I can come up with is sexual and I don’t want to do any of them right now. Some nights I don’t even like Vitali’s arm brushing mine and I have to clench my jaw while he holds me.

“From you?” Val shakes his fat fucking head. “Probably giving him the slightest bit of attention and if you both stopped fucking other people.”

“You’re a dick.” I stare out of the window again. “And who is he sleeping with?”

It would be wrong of me to hurt someone innocent but the thought is already there. Tali forced himself into my life and made me think that I have importance, now I’m going to have to make sure it stays that way because even on the nights when I don’t want to be touched or the days I need to be alone, I crave his presence.

We stop at the donut shop that Tali loves instead of driving straight to Kristi’s and Val parks beside the doors as he says, “Caramel custard is his favorite.”

“I know that and I’m going to spit in yours,” I argue back as I get out, slamming the door behind me as a punishment for pissing me off.

The guards who have been relieved of their duty pull up at the same time as I enter the donut shop and I hate how uncomfortable I become. They’re going to see me getting into Valentin’s car, adding fuel to the fire of the rumors and then Dani will hate me too.

I can see them in my periphery as I order two boxes of donuts for Vitali, a box for Kristi, and the drink that we got her last time. They stop beside Valentin’s door, talking shit and laughing, while I break out in a sweat and try to hide myself. Why the fuck do they even need to talk to him? They spent all night outside of his house, guarding the mighty Vartanov manor, so they could have spoken to him then instead of ruining my already shitty day.

As soon as I’ve got my order, I turn and lift my chin, squaring my shoulders. I don’t have my usual armor to protect me and there’s a difference now too. I don’t want Vitali to hear the rumors, I don’t want to lose him or have him ever associate me with them.

But they don’t give a fuck because they snicker to each other when I open the door, stepping out into the sun and walk to Val’s car. The nudging is next and one of them is incapable of hiding his smirk as he coughs, “Hat trick.”

Val smiles, his wrist lazily on top of the steering wheel as he turns, blocking the sight of the fuckers, and asks, “Do you have a cold?”

The guard shakes his head.

“Allergies?” he offers.

Another head shake.

“Good.” He nods then abruptly reaches through his open window to grab the guard’s T-shirt, pulling him through as he puts the car in reverse. The tires squeal, burning rubber kicking up behind us, and my arms whip out to stop the donuts flying off my lap as the fucking psycho drives his elbow into the guard’s screaming face. All while he spins the steering wheel with his other hand then drives straight with his foot down to the floor.

Blood stains the bottom of Val’s T-shirt and I’m flung into my door as he erratically drives in circles, still beating the guard with the widest smile on his face. Once he’s satisfied and the screaming has turned into a murmur, he lifts his arm, allowing gravity to pull the body out of his window.

“You have anger issues,” I say evenly and slide back into the correct position in my seat.

“And you have insecurities,” he fires back, reaching over to take a donut from the box I got for Kristi. “Do you know why they talk shit?” He looks over at me, taking an ungraceful bite like someone’s about to steal it from his hand. “It’s because you let them. If you’re with my brother, you’re one of us and we don’t allow anyone to do shit to us.”

“I thought I wasn’t good enough for him?”

“That’s when I thought you didn’t care about him,” he shrugs and begins driving at a normal speed. “One thing you need to know about Vitali is that he’s not a puppy because he’s happy. He’s a puppy because he’s loyal. And you were pissed at the thought of anyone else being with him, so show him your jealousy, let him see that you’re afraid of losing him too.”

I don’t understand him. Or anyone who has Vartanov DNA. They’re fucked up, violent, and terrifying. Yet they all have this bizarre ability to set people at ease and welcome them in with insults.

“A coke whore wanting him won’t mean anything,” I mumble.

Val slows down and he looks at me. “I shouldn’t have said that.” Then speeds back up while I just stare because I think it was an apology.

It’s not until we get closer to Kristi and Becca’s house that we interact, both of us looking from the open front door then to each other. He scowls at the door, his voice slow and unsure as he asks, “Who lives here?”

“Kristi.” I unclip my belt, place the donuts on the dash, and get out before he can fully stop.

The bad feeling I had is real because I find her at the side of the house, bent in half and holding on to the wall as she throws up. Softening my steps, I announce myself so I don’t scare her. “Hey, what happened?”

Her head snaps up, eyes angry and brimming with tears, but it’s her voice that breaks me as she croaks, “She’s dead.”

Val’s muted curse comes next. “Fuck. Stasi, don’t come inside.”

I gently lay my hand between Kristi’s shoulder blades and hold her hair out of her face as she sniffles, “She killed herself and I thought she was a bitch for sending me to live with my mom.”

The teenager full of attitude is nowhere in sight as she wraps her arms around me so tightly that my ribs hurt. Despite my cactus-like care, I stroke her back and allow her to cry against me. The truth won’t comfort her and I can’t imagine what her sister has been through when the craziest person I know is terrified of the man that kept Becca. Vanya wouldn’t even tell Vitali how she knows the man, Vlad and Dima were the same when I offered to find someone close to him. They wouldn’t even give me the man’s name when they’ve never kept shit about our side project a secret from me.

Heavy, rushed footsteps charge around the house and I turn my head in time to see Val grimace as he pinches his nose like he’s trying to get rid of the smell. He has the sense to lower his voice and show a trait that the two of us don’t have as he says, “She can’t stay in there.”

I nod and guide her to his car. For some reason, he follows me and he opens the passenger door. “Take her to the house and send Tali back with my car.”

I nod, again.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with a crying teenager?

I ignore Vlad’s staring as I carry Kristi’s bag through the house to the pool house. She hasn’t come out since Tali went inside and I can’t hear screaming, so I assume he hasn’t managed to piss her off.

But gut-wrenching sobs come through the glass door as I hover at the threshold and Tali softly says, “Shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you. I promise I won’t let you go.”

She continues crying but he just calmly soothes her.

“You’ll be good again, donuts, remember?”

I hesitantly knock on the glass to hand him the bag but he says, “It’s Stasi, we’re not going anywhere.” Then shouts, “Come in, sweetness.”

I don’t know what to expect when I walk in but it isn’t blood and Vitali sitting behind Kristi on the floor of the bathroom with his ankles crossed over her shins and his arms crossed over her chest. He has hold of her wrists, keeping them locked against her waist, as he slowly rocks her. “Open your hand, Crusty.”

Dropping the bag by her bedroom door, I go to her and kneel in front of them. I can’t work out where the blood is coming from as her face twists in pain and I stare, uselessly.

“Right hand,” Tali whispers. “Open her fingers for me.”

Her cries get louder as she screws her eyes shut, tightening her fist so there’s barely a gap for me to pry her fingers open. “Leave me alone.”

“Not fucking happening,” Tali snaps. “I promised the bitchy kid that I’d always be there and she promised to be my lawyer when she’s older, so you’re not allowed to break the promise she made me.”

“Tali, I can’t,” she sobs, stuttering around her pain. “I can’t, I can’t.”

“I know,” he says as he continues rocking her.

The sobs exhaust her and she loosens her fingers enough for me to open her hand. But the razor blade has already done damage and the blood is from her forearm. The cuts are deep, angry, going in different directions around other scars that have healed to a faint white.

Carefully taking the blade, I step back and drop it into the sink then step around them to wet towels and find something to clean her cuts. Tali simply rocks her and rests his cheek on her hair while repeating his promises. “I’ve got you for however long you need me.”

“I can’t do it, not again. I don’t want to be here.”

My throat constricts and I’m misty eyed watching them. Watching Vitali do the same thing he did for me for someone else like he’s been placed on this planet as a guide for every lost soul that wants to leave it.

“Tough shit. I’ve lost too many sisters, too many people already, so you don’t get to add yourself to the list.”

I remain frozen as he argues about her life and waits for her to stop crying. The tears don’t stop though, they keep falling even when she’s depleted her energy and falls limp against his chest. Slowly unwrapping the barrier of his limbs from her body, he winces as he picks her up then stands. His limp is more pronounced too as he carries her to the bed and lays her on the sheets.

I have a damp towel in my hand and hold it out to him when he comes back while staring at the blood staining his white T-shirt.

He looks over his shoulder and whispers, “Some people shouldn’t be allowed children.” He wipes the blood off his arms and neck as he looks back at me. “When she was a kid — eight or nine — her mom taught her a trick to make her stop crying.”

“A trick?” I whisper back and wet another towel to clean the floor and walls.

“Yeah, she handed her a knife and told her to imagine that the tears are leaving her skin.”

The hot water scalds my hand but I’m frozen as I stare at him wide eyed. “Why the fuck haven’t you killed her?”

“Because Kristi asked me not to. She has this dream of being successful and then one day, she’ll get to drive past her shitty mother and ignore her the same way she was. It’s not my punishment to give unless it’s what she wants.”

He steps closer, turning off the faucet and gently stroking my reddened skin. “Stay with her for me. Just while I?—”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Tali softly kisses my forehead, his lips lingering, then turns to slowly leave as he stares at Kristi laid on the bed.

If he doesn’t want to kill the stupid bitch who thought a good idea of parenting was telling her child to mutilate herself, then I can ruin her life. I’ll teach Kristi how to do it and it will give her something to focus on too.