37. Vitali

THIRTY-SEVEN

Vitali

M y girl, the strong woman that she is, can shut out the world but she pushes me away in the process. I can’t get through to her and she’s like a robot, only focused on her goal of finding the people responsible for hurting her. All my life I’ve run from things — Len, a beating, my own thoughts — now I’m stranded without the energy to move. I don’t have the crutch of the drugs to drown it all as I make my way through the warehouse for tonight’s fight.

I’m not even allowed to fight, as per Vlad’s orders, and he stands at the edge of the cage like a fancy criminal in his expensive suit staring me out if I dare go against what he says. I’m here for my fucking drugs, not violence. The twinge in my knee wouldn’t allow me to fight anyway, especially when I know better than to allow any of our weaknesses to be shown to the world.

Val nods at me, like a prick. They’re all fucking pricks and I hate them. I hate them for not being in pain while I am, while Stasi is. Is this how they’ve felt when they’ve had to deal with their own shit? Just this fucking inky pit of resentment whenever they see the people they care about living. Not happiness or doing anything they shouldn’t, just the simple act of them living and being able to fucking walk without a weight on their back?

Vanya skips through the hallway and pokes her head around the corner to watch the cage. I follow her line of sight for something to do and see Zidane take a shot to the ribs that makes him smile like he needs the pain. I never understood his need to antagonize his opponents before, but I do now. It’s a way of feeling something, allowing that pain to be absorbed and then defeating it as a reminder to yourself that it’s possible.

My brother is a dick. But Val knows me too well and he grips my shoulder, guiding me back outside. We hit open air and the smell of blood is weaker, allowing me to be disgusted at whichever prick decided to fucking piss against the building. He grimaces and walks around the side to where we park and the piss-tainted air is further away.

“What’s wrong?” he asks as he leans on my car, his dirty fucking shoe pressed against the paint.

I don’t have the energy to tell him to fuck off and my eyes sting as I look up into the night sky. The shadows don’t stop me being viewed as weak and he grabs my nape, pulling me into his chest.

“Don’t get all fucking sad and snotty on me,” he whispers as he kisses the top of my head like I’m a child.

“Says you?” I mumble. “You pay your kid to hug you.”

I was the one who told Viktor to ask for more money.

Val’s always had an issue with his fucking mouth and he innocently fires back, “Listen, no one tells you that teenagers are fucking brutal. You’ll understand one day.”

Dickhead.

His voice lowers as he realizes what the fuck he’s just said and gives an apology the only way our family know how.

“Shit, I didn’t mean it.”

I push away from him, drugs be damned because I’ll find somewhere else to get them from, they won’t be fucking detox drugs either. They’ll allow me to stop the pain and have a numbness that isn’t fucking sinking me.

“Fuck you,” I mutter and turn.

The lonely prick wraps his arms around me and says, “Tali, don’t be a dick. I didn’t think, it’s on me.”

I nod, weakly, and whisper, “My girl is like a ghost and I can’t stop it, I can’t stop thinking.”

“I’ll tell Dani to sit with her. You know she’s good at talking to people. And whatever you’re thinking about, just don’t.”

He knows all of my theories, all the stupid thoughts and mental jigsaw pieces I’d obsess over from our childhood in an attempt to smooth down the edges of our parents so I could understand them. It’s fucking stupid, but I always thought if I could understand them then I’d understand myself. I’m not like Val who can turn parts of his memories off, he can stop himself thinking and asking questions, and I’m not like Vlad who craves other people’s blood to write over my own. I itch for answers, knowledge of why, it’s a dumb fucking question when the truth will always be because someone could.

Len beat us — because he could.

Anika treated us like shit — because she could.

My girl was fucking beaten — because they could. Because I couldn’t stop them. Because I’m weak.

Maybe that’s the real answer, the identifying factor to why everything I have fucks up. Weakness.

Val allows me to step back and he dips his head, catching my eyes, to ask, “You’re not going to do something stupid, are you?”

“I’d probably fuck it up anyway,” I scoff.

His eyes turn glassy and his tone hardens as he grits, “Shut the fuck up. Do you want them fuckers to win? They’re both dead, we’re alive, we get to have whatever the fuck we want.”

I nod, unconvinced, and hold my hand out for my pills. Before they can be dropped in my hand, my phone vibrates in my pocket and fear spikes through me at the thought of my girl being hurt again. But the name on the screen is Zidane’s and we don’t have any drops scheduled so I answer, already pissed at the distraction as he says, “There’s a girl here saying she knows you.”

“What’s her name?”

I don’t know any girls and he argues with someone before he puts it on speaker and I grit, “Who the fuck are you?”

Kristi’s voice comes through, full of her usual brand of angry cockiness as she gives me shit.

“Your only friend, now tell these pricks to get the fuck off me.”

Fuck. I haven’t been checking on her when I promised her that I would. Another fucking person I can’t protect or help.

“She’s under Vartanov protection, lay a fucking finger on her and you’ll have a problem.”

I end the call and Val stares at me as he asks, “Stasi?”

Shaking my head, I move past him to find the cunt who has the little shit who’s my sister in everything other than blood. Val follows me, the stone crunching under his feet, and my eyes sting as I pull open the side door the fighters use. Zidane always has the room closest to the exit and heat covers my back as I enter to see a grown fucking man holding Kristi bound with her coat wrapped around her forearms.

“Let her go,” I order as she smiles up at him, smug as ever.

“Yeah, let me go, you old fuck.”

He shakes her, his nostrils flaring, and sneers, “She took something that belongs to me.” He looks down at her like she’s a piece of shit. “You can either return it or I’ll have you arrested, you little thief.”

Val comes to my side and tilts his head to whisper, “Isn’t he the prosecutor?”

For fuck’s sake. She could have chosen a better target to pickpocket. I regret teaching her how to now and I interrupt their glaring contest.

“Kristi, give it back.”

She turns her glare on me.

“Now.”

Rolling her eyes, she pushes her hand into the waistband of her jeans and pulls out a phone that doesn’t belong to her. I gave her one with all of our numbers so why the fuck didn’t she call me instead of resorting to stealing? Becca has enough money to afford anything they’ll need in the account I set up for them and the house is paid for.

The prosecutor lets her go and she’s dramatic as fuck as she pretends to fall. I step forward, catching her shoulder, then pull her into my side. She remains glued to me as we leave and Val stares at her with his brows together. She ignores all of my previous warnings about his mouth as she snaps, “What the fuck are you staring at?”

His brows go up, eyes widening, as we step into the cold air again and he shakes his head. “Calm down, bitchy, we just helped you.”

I lead her to my car before she can attempt to fight him since she doesn’t have self-preservation where pain is concerned, and Val doesn’t have a line he’s not willing to cross. The glare doesn’t lessen as I sit her in the passenger seat and my brother is a fucking clingy bastard as he stands at my side like a shadow.

“Why were you stealing?”

No answer.

“Why aren’t you with Becca?”

The glare lessens and she looks at Val so I officially introduce them.

“Val, Kristi. Kristi, this is Val.”

“Is he the one who has tantrums?”

I nod as he punches me in the arm, proving I’m right. “What the fuck? I don’t have tantrums.”

She knows I’m not going to let her get away without an answer and I can’t see her arms. I won’t check in front of my brother because he’s a prick and he’ll end up making her feel like shit, even accidently.

“Becca dropped me off at home,” she says, pulling on her sleeves. “I haven’t seen her in two weeks and none of the lights have been turned on in the house.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“My mom took my phone,” she shrugs.

I nod then close the door. Val thankfully waits until she’s trapped to ask, “Who is she?”

“A friend,” I sigh.

He doesn’t ask anything more and I get in the car. She wouldn’t have had anything to eat while she was with her cunt of a mother, so I stop and get her food. Kristi doesn’t say anything until I drop it in her lap and she asks, “Where’s yours?”

“Not hungry, eat.”

“Tali?”

I hum and drive to the house I bought for her sister.

“Are you okay?”

I nod and change the topic. “You know the deal, lift your sleeves.”

She hesitates and I pull over on the side of the road under a streetlight to watch her.

“Kristi, pull your sleeves up or I’ll do it myself.”

Without meeting my eyes, she stares into space and mechanically rolls her sleeves up to her elbows. The cuts are deeper with thick burgundy scabs and angry red skin around them. I’ve never understood why she does it before, she said it’s because it’s overwhelming and she needs the pain, but now I can understand that need to chase something other than the shit in my head. As much as the pills are my obsession, my crutch, the self-inflicted pain is hers.

A small sniffle comes before a heavy, shame-filled tear hits her thigh. She angrily swipes it away as she forcefully pulls her sleeves down. Hooking my hand around her nape, I pull her closer and kiss the top of her head.

“You can stop, it’s okay.”

I’ve never seen her cry before and it’s disconcerting to hear her sniffle. It hits me then, she’s like Stasi and I’ll never be able to help either of them because they’re used to dealing with shit on their own. The same way I didn’t allow Kristi an option of being alone, I can’t do it with Stasi; she can shut the world out but I need to force my way through, so she knows she isn’t alone anymore.

“Tali, I’m scared,” Kristi whispers.

“Me too, Crusty,” I admit.

Blowing out a watery laugh, she shakes her head and looks at me like I can save her, like I’m not weak, and I can help her.

“I think I need all the donuts,” she whispers, even lower. It’s the codeword I gave her so I would know if she needs me.

“Then that’s what you’ll have, eat the burger first, dessert comes at the end of the meal, right?”

Stasi is already in bed when I get home. She’s not asleep as she lays on her side facing the wall and holding her breath. Pressing my hand to the headboard, I kiss the back of her head and pull the sheets up to cover her shoulder even though she’s in one of my hoodies.

My body is heavier as I straighten and drag myself into the bathroom. I don’t turn on the lights and stand with the closet lights lightly illuminating the bathroom through the open door. Soft, hesitant footsteps get closer as my eyes close and my head drops back. If I see her hesitate around me I’ll fucking crumble.

Delicate fingers brush my jaw as she stops in front me and my throat constricts as I beg, “Talk to me.”

“Whatever you need, luschik,” she whispers. “We can hide away from the world right here.”

I wrap my arms around her, my nose tucked into the crook of her neck, and just hold her as she works her fingers through my hair. I don’t know what’s happening other than my woman, Stasi, who is hyper independent and refuses to allow anyone in her life, is opening up to me.

“I need to make them hurt for hurting you,” she admits. “And I’m sorry that I can’t do it with you next to me, but I’m not sorry for needing to do that. No one will get away with hurting you and that will never change.”

“That’s supposed to be my line,” I mumble and pick her up to sit on the vanity so she’s not forced to stand.

Her hands become even more gentle and she hugs my hips with her thighs, kisses my shoulder, then fucking wrecks me.

“It can be both of ours, we can look after each other.” She takes a fortifying breath, holding it as she asks, “It’s your turn to talk to me now, what do you need?”

I burrow closer to her, pushing my face closer to her pulse, and allow her every weakness, everything I’m not supposed to have as a man or a Vartanov.

“It hurts and I don’t have anything to help me forget it all. Not Len’s voice, Anika’s slaps, the drill, or how you were laid on the floor.”

“The drugs?” she asks softly, without judgment.

I nod and she wraps her arms around my shoulder, squeezing like she’s afraid I’m going to disappear when that’s my role too. Stasi makes it less lonely and I don’t have to hide from her, I don’t have to lighten the mood or be afraid that she’ll run because she’s holding on to me.

“Tali.” She kisses my cheek and her lips brush the shell of my ear as she says, “Let me be the voice in your head. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, you’re caring, strong in both body and mind, but your heart beats all those things. You’re someone we all need in our lives and you don’t deserve any of the shit people have done to you.”

Her voice cracks but she doesn’t cry as she whispers, “You’ve saved me for fourteen years, so now you need to know that if you go over the edge I will too.”

“Will you come back to me once you find everyone?” I ask.

She nods and there’s no pause as she agrees, “The second it’s over, I’ll be here with you. Let me focus on one thing at a time, then it’s all yours. I’m all yours.”

My body aches and the only thing keeping me standing is my girl as I rest my cheek on her shoulder and her hands are gentle as she strokes down my nape while whispering into my ear, “Just breathe, I’ve got you now and it’s my turn.”

My eyes close as I do what she said, copying her breathing and then word vomit all over her.

“I saw Kristi, she said she’s scared and I fucked up with her too. I said that I’d help her, and I didn’t.”

“I’m sure she’ll be fine, I’ll speak to her tomorrow,” Stasi whispers.

“Will you speak to me too?” I pull my head back and cup her face with both hands. “I need you, sweetness.”

There’s an audible gulp as her thighs twitch, trying to close as she misconstrues the meaning. I slowly shake my head as I whisper, “Not that, I need you. We all have our voices, the ones that fuck us up and never die, but with you they aren’t loud and without you, fuck—” I blow out a breath. “Without you all I have are Len and Anika.”

Stasi copies me and gently holds my face as she asks, “Did they hurt you more than what you’ve told me?”

“No,” I shake my head, already knowing that I’m weak as fuck. “The mind games are worse and without anything to numb the memories or their voices, I can’t stop them.”

It’s fucking pathetic to cry over shitty parents when I’m an adult, but she understands, and she hugs me. “They can’t hurt you anymore and they weren’t telling the truth.”

I nod without any belief in what she’s saying. Kissing her cheek, I gently tap her thigh before I pick her up and carry her to bed. The physical exhaustion doesn’t tire my mind and I lay her under the sheets before I kiss her forehead and say, “Go to sleep, malysh, I’m going to check on the horses.”

There’s fear in her voice as she grabs my hand and asks, “You’re coming back?”

“Always, sweetness.”

I bring her hand to my lips and kiss her knuckle directly below my ring that she hasn’t taken off.

I can feel her eyes boring into the back of my head as I walk out of our room and my steps are weighted until I leave the house. Val is standing on the terrace, his head pops up when he sees me and the glowing cherry of his cigarette is hiding beside his thigh as he sighs, “I thought you were Vlad.”

He'll get his ass kicked if Vlad finds out that he sneaks in a cigarette when he’s stressed. For someone so violent and without any moral code, our brother is anal as fuck regarding smoking and drugs.

“You know Inessa thinks the butts belong to the guards,” I say and sound off as I try to force my usual tone.

He notices it and flicks the barely smoked cigarette to the side of the house as he turns towards me, stopping me from escaping to the stables. Placing his hand on my shoulder, he dips his head and checks my eyes to see if I’m high.

“What’s wrong?” he asks like my life isn’t obviously falling apart. “Something happened to that bitchy kid you’re friends with?”

I shake my head and I don’t know how to explain that it all feels wrong. There’s not one specific thing that is drowning me, it’s everything, but I try because he’s always been my confidante.

“Do you ever think of Anika and Len?”

“Every fucking day,” he snorts. “Whenever Viktor does something I’m proud of, Dom pisses me off, or they just look at me, I think about them fuckers and make sure I’m not like them.”

“But do you ever think they gave a fuck about us?” I whisper.

“Valentin asked me that before,” Vlad says from behind us and I nearly jump out of my fucking skin.

“You creepy cunt, are you a ghost, just popping up out of thin air?” Val whines.

He shakes his head and steps around the house dressed in his usual suit but he has a duffel bag in his hand that rustles with each step he takes. “It’s my fucking house. Vasili picked a new horse and he chose one that’s pregnant because he’s a natural pain in the ass.”

The pride in his voice isn’t hidden despite his complaint about his son. Val and I both follow him down the path to the stables like we’re children afraid of being alone again. I’ve seen my brother do a lot of things, many of them have disgusted me, but my eyes widen when he goes into the furthest stable and gently rubs his hand down the mare’s mane. It’s even weirder when the horse doesn’t attempt to attack him since they all hate him.

“Come here,” Vlad says, softly, unlike himself.

We both move and I wince at the way the mare’s belly looks: it’s huge and it looks painful as it huffs. Val is a dumbass, something that isn’t new, but he asks, “Is it going to shit the kid out now?”

Vlad just shakes his head and deadpans, “How have you managed to have children?” He grips Val’s shoulder. “Tomorrow, I’m taking you to that fancy-ass school I paid for and we’re going to get my fucking money back when you open your mouth.”

“Was it a vet school?” he hisses and I can’t hold back my laugh.

“No, you dumb fuck,” I say. “But you clearly missed sex ed if you think a baby comes out of an asshole.”

I step around them as the mare lifts her head towards me and gently stroke the side of her neck. She’s cute as fuck as she brushes my chin with the edge of her nose and I kiss between her eyes.

“I don’t have any sugar cubes, pretty baby,” I whisper to her. “Do you want to eat Val’s brain? He never uses it.”

Father laughs and he softens his voice to say, “You know why I picked this house?”

“Because you’re an egotistical fuck and it was the biggest one that was available?” Val says as he stretches over the side of the stable gate to pick up the bucket we keep for their snacks.

“Because it had a lake and you wanted to drown your wife to make it look like an accident?” I offer.

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with my brother because he laughs to himself and rubs his temple to hide his eyes which is something he has never done before. He’s laughed numerous times, it’s not the sound that’s new, it’s the genuine pleasure when he isn’t covered in blood or exuding violence.

“No,” he says as he looks up. “For the horses; they’re good therapy animals and you two idiots are emotional. Now you have a multitude of emotional support animals, and you’re still throwing tantrums.”

I pat the mare’s neck as she rests her face on my shoulder and say to her, “That’s his way of saying he loves us, you’ll learn this soon, but you see Vlad? He has a lot of mental issues, and they all stop him being nice to us like he wants to.”

She eats an apple as Val stands behind me, holding it out for her and rubbing the top of her head.

“You’re family,” Vlad says, “I’ll die for you but that doesn’t mean you can kill yourselves. This life was built for you, use it, and make sure this,” he taps his temple, “is as clear as it can be.”

He takes a step closer, confirming the devil’s always aware of what happens in the dark as he look at Val. “If that means sneaking a cigarette in the middle of the night or,” he turns to me, “pissing on Len’s grave. Whatever it is, do it because you both have other people waiting for you. And Vitali?”

I hum and he hesitates, which is terrifying.

“Inessa doesn’t hate you, she’s hurt, just give her time.”

My nod is weak but it feels like I’m a kid again and my real father — the one who stepped into the role — is guiding me through life. He’s found me trying to hide and I’ll be okay.