35. Vitali

THIRTY-FIVE

Vitali

I need a few kilos of something to deal with the fuckers opposite me. They’ve spent a week acting like I don’t exist, and they don’t walk towards the house, instead they choose my favorite place. Fuck them, at least I’ll have the memory of watching the sun come up with my girl while they get their rage out, only now it’s an opposite as the sun makes its slow descent over the paddock and there’s not an ounce of joy in me.

Val has always been the emotional one, Vlad is the sarcastic angry prick he’s been all his life while I am the entertainment, and Dima is the guard making sure we don’t fuck up beyond repair.

Right now, I feel like death and Val chokes on his own bullshit as he turns to me, scrubbing a hand over his ugly face and his whiny tone pisses me off.

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

They wonder why I keep shit to myself when we grew up with a cunt who called us weak more than our names. If we got sick, we were weak. Bruises from fights he forced us into, weak. Couldn’t stay awake all night because I was fucking five, weak.

I shrug, acting more like a child than I did when I was one, as I lean against the table and repeat, “I’m a weak, pathetic cunt, remember?”

The bitterness doesn’t belong to me, it’s new and no one reacts with anger. Val steps closer to me and grabs my nape. He squeezes as he forces me to look at his shitty face. “I fucked up, don’t pout about it.”

I don’t need his bullshit version of an apology and pull away from him. It’s the same shit we’d do after beating the shit out of each other – sit with our heads together and promise we didn’t mean to hurt the other person before Vlad came in our room and made sure we weren’t hurt. I’m not four, five, or six anymore and I don’t need him to pretend he knows how to fix a bloody nose when in reality it’s broken because he sat on top of me and kept punching me in the face while Len cheered him on.

“Pout about what?” I ask as he stands like a dumb dickhead. “Being exactly like what Len called me? Or you beating the shit out of me my entire life?”

His face falls and he sounds small, childlike, as he says, “I didn’t want to do it, and you did it to me too.”

“Yeah, I didn’t break your fucking ribs, arm or nose though, did I?”

Dima drags him back before I can get pissed off and Vlad freaks me out when he tempers his voice as he says, “That shit is done and it isn’t on either of you.”

“Yeah, you kicked the shit out of us too,” I scoff.

There’s no remorse as he fires back, “Would you have preferred I allowed those cunts to do it? Don’t be petulant, Vitali, I already have to deal with my wife and Valentin’s tantrums.” He takes a step closer to me and lowers his voice. “You get one pass with your grief, use it against everyone else and we’ll be behind you.”

My heart changes its rhythm with him mentioning the baby, not drugs, they’re being weird fucks because of that. No name or a body but it feels like mourning.My heart is fighting with each beat, the rhythm is erratic and his jaw clenches as I feel fearful of my brother for the first time in my life. Many people are rightfully afraid of both of them, I should be too considering how we were raised, but it’s never happened before since there’s always been some warmth when they look at me.

Not now. Vlad’s eyes are fucking cold, arctic, as he grits, “You hit my daughter, and she is the only reason why you get that pass. Do it again, you even raise your fucking voice to her, and I’ll remove your fucking legs so that your knee won’t be an issue. Understood?”

I deflate and sit on the edge of the table. My voice lowers and I stare straight ahead to stop my chin dropping as I mumble, “I didn’t mean to do it, and I didn’t even know I did until she mentioned it. It’s just there in front of me, watching Stasi be kicked, them taking off their belts, and it won’t fucking go. Vanya told me it’s because of Rowan, but none of the fuckers had ID so I don’t know if that was who was there.” I look up, my eyes burning and my voice weaker. “They kicked her in the stomach and I couldn’t fucking do anything.”

I slide down to sit on the bench as all three of them stare at me with a mix of rage.

“I couldn’t stand or stop them,” I admit while I focus on Val, so he knows he’s a prick. “And she’s not a coke head, don’t give her shit when you know nothing about her life.”

He nods once, accepting it and I know it will never be said again.

Vlad and Dima do their weird marital communication as they look at each other, fanning the flames of the other’s anger. They don’t say anything, and I break their silent conversation with a bark, “What?”

They’re about to treat me like I’m a dumb kid so I stop them. “Stasi’s mine, they fucking hurt her, caused her to have a miscarriage, so fucking tell me because if anyone is going to kill the cunt, it’s me.”

Vlad sits beside me and grabs the back of my head, but he’s honest for once as he taps against his knee.

“Rowan is the sick cunt.” He looks up between my brother and me. “Do you want details?”

I look at Val and we both slowly nod.

Our parents, or the people who became them, get larger. Both Dima and Vlad harden, their breathing escalating and fists clenching as they give us sickening information.

“He sells people, for any reason,” Vlad says.

And Dima grits, “Dead or alive. He’s the one who owns TRR.”

They share another look while Val and I freeze at the memory of the fucked-up auction we witnessed when Vanya was searching for Nina. They abruptly stop and the tapping speeds up as Vlad says, “He’s put markers out for anyone in the family.”

Dima gets bigger and his knuckles crack from the force of his hands balling into fists. “The ones who grabbed you were trying to get in his ranks, stay the fuck away from anything to do with him.”

Val’s brows come together, and he looks between us all. “He can’t be that fucking big or bad? We’ve got this psychotic prick on our side.” He points at our older brother.

Who proudly smiles around his declaration, “And that’s one of the reasons he’s gone back into hiding, weak fucking suka.”

My voice lowers, unsure if I want to know the answer as I ask, “What’s the other reason?”

Our dads both answer at the same time with actual smiles on their faces full of pride.

“Vanya.”

“Vanya.”

Vlad straightens up and acts like a prick. “Go shower, you smell like horse shit.”

I can’t be let off that easily, even if they know about Stasi they’d rage and want their pounds of flesh. Seeing my confusion, Val’s voice drops to a whisper, and he looks away to hide his emotions. “I burnt the cunts alive just for being next to my kid.”

Vlad’s dumbass pride comes out around a shark-like smile. “I killed a few, or fifteen. Well, the first night, I’ve lost count since then.”

Dima laughs at his husband and shakes his head. Crazy fuckers.

Val’s rattling gets my attention and I perk up at the familiar sound. I have to force my face to stay relaxed and my fingers curl around the wood to stop me holding my hand out as he shakes out two pills. He holds them in his palm, out of reach like a cunt, and speaks slowly with his tone hardening. “They’re not the same shit as what you were taking, you get two and I’ll give you them.”

When he holds the bottle up to me, I know they’re detox drugs, fucking weak-ass pills that will stop me throwing up but nothing more.I still take them, and it settles my stomach while the pain radiates through my leg, but it’s enough to allow me to move easier and I can’t hide my fucked-up gait as I walk to the house.

I need my girl, I only settled when she was in my arms so I go through the side door and down to the basement to shower before I can hold her again. She’s not going to wrap around me if I smell of horse shit and there are pieces of hay stuck to my skin. I rush through the steps and grab a pair of shorts before taking the elevator up to our floor.

Stasi is already in bed when I come into the room. Her shoulders twitch betraying the feigned sleep she’s using to avoid me. She stiffens as I crawl in beside her and wrap my arm around her. My girl doesn’t sleep in big hoodies or sweats, it’s oversized T-shirts she’s stolen from me or nothing.But she’s in sweats and a hoodie, it doesn’t mean shit that they’re both mine when I know she’s deviating from her routine.

I gently push my hand under the material she’s hiding in and flatten my palm on her stomach as I pull her to my chest. There’s a wet patch on the pillow, the spot is darker with the moon light filtering through the windows, highlighting that my beautiful woman who refuses to show emotion is drowning.

Keeping my voice low, I rest my lips on her crown as I ask, “Are you in pain, sweetness?”

She lies by shaking her head and sniffles. My heart breaks at two sorrowful words leaving her lips.

“I’m sorry.”

She has fuck all to apologize for. It’s my job to protect her, in every fucking way. I was the one who failed, who couldn’t move because I needed the pills to function.

I soften my voice, needing to get out of this fucking place.

“Come somewhere with me?”

Maybe we can meet again, redo shit and kill parts of us we hate to be better, but she’s a different person, vulnerable and small as she whispers, “The guards will talk shit about you being with me and I don’t want to put on a stupid outfit right now.”

I won’t allow anyone to say a word against her and hold her tighter. “You are mine, wear whatever you want and let me deal with any fucker who says shit.” Dani said she hasn’t eaten, not even the leaves Stasi usually prefers, and I’m not letting my woman waste away. “I can put a bag over your head if it helps.”

The joke falls flat, there’s not my usual playfulness attached but she softens and breathes easier. My lips find her neck and I move across every inch of her skin I can reach as I beg her, “Stas, don’t hide from me. Please, malysh.”

She openly sobs as I finish begging. Fuck, it’s enough to ruin me when she refuses to show anyone her emotions. I turn her to face me and wrap my arms around her while she breaks. Her face is pressed to my chest, and she pushes her arms up to wrap them around me, holding me with the same fervor.

I kiss the top of her head as though it can do anything to help her, and she looks up with tears still in her eyes. It’s not the time but I can’t stop myself as I cup her salty cheek and pull the sheets over our heads.

“You’re beautiful, and strong. So fucking intelligent, and we both know you don’t need anyone, but let me be here. Please?”

She nods once and we escape the shit in the world as we remain cocooned in each other. There’s no shutting me out, she doesn’t hide, and she shifts her body up, so we’re nose to nose. There’s barely any light, but everything is clear with her dark eyes on me and I need her voice to pull me away from the lifeless images.

“Tell me something real, sweetness.”

Cool metal touches my skin as she cups my cheek and whispers, “I still have your ring.” Her voice lowers further as she asks, “Will you sit in the loneliness with me, luchik?”

I don’t have to think about my answer and my lips brush hers with every syllable. “Always, Anastasia.”

Using the back of my fingers, I gently wipe her tears away and they fall faster than I can get rid of them.

“You know I’ve never stopped thinking about you,” I whisper with my heart breaking. “Not since I first saw you and that night, I felt like shit because Len was visiting. Dima caught me sneaking out of the window and he thought I was going to Dani’s so he kept the guards busy, but I wanted to be alone.”

“Sorry for disturbing your alone time,” she sniffles as her breath stutters around her restrained sobs.

“You’ve never disturbed me and I was watching you for a while. I didn’t know what you were doing at first. Dani made me watch some shitty girly movie and one of the scenes had a woman stand on the bow of a ship, I thought you were re-enacting that. But then you kept kicking stones off the edge and I didn’t want you to go because I didn’t feel lonely while I was watching you.”

I couldn’t even see her face, or know that she was her until she spoke, but she intrigued me even when I didn’t know she was mine. Cupping her cheek, I lean closer and softly kiss her, silently begging that she will never leave me or ever stand on that edge again because she wasn’t crying then and she is now. If dying didn’t bring tears to her eyes, I have no fucking idea what she’ll do with them at present.

I tighten my hand around my girl’s as I drive to the bridge where I first met her. It’s not conventional and it is definitely totally fucked up considering why she was on it. But it’s ours since I’ve spent years coming back to it and waiting for her to show up.

She hasn’t changed out of her sweats and the hood is pulled over her head. A small smile graces her lips when I pull over and she settles back into the seat, rolling her head to look at me.

“Finally decided to push me?” she teases but there’s a wish in her eyes. She still chases that escape, and my heart seizes.

I could never force my hand to hurt her.

Pushing my seat back, I try to lift her and the stubborn shit refuses. “I don’t want to hurt your knee.”

She weighs nothing for fuck’s sake, and I have two fucking legs. She can take her pick on which one to sit her ass on. Ignoring her protest, I get her on my thigh and press my lips to her cheek. My arms tighten around her instinctually as we watch the navy sky and there’s nothing other than conviction in my voice as I say, “If you went over all of those years ago, I would have followed you. That hasn’t changed now.”

Especially now I know her, she’s embedded herself into my soul.

I crack the window so we can hear the water and not feel suffocated with the emotions filling the car. She leans against my chest and traces my jawline, I’ve never heard sadness as haunting as she whispers, “I keep crying when I shouldn’t, you’re the one who lost what you wanted.”

Fucking idiot, so intelligent and so fucking stupid at the same time.

“Shut the fuck up.” My voice comes out too rough, making her head snap up and I flinch, quickly softening it and adding, “Respectfully.”

A childhood of conditioning has made Stasi believe she’s not worth anything. It’s the bullshit that has an argument forming behind her eyes but she’s intelligent enough not to voice it. Combing my fingers through her hair, I tuck the loose strands behind her ear and cup her jaw. My voice cracks at the memory of her body being forcefully moved.

“I care about you . Is this fucked, and I’m upset about the baby? Yes.” Resting our foreheads together so she can’t see anything other than the truth, I continue, “But I would fucking die for you, Stasi.”

My dream has been altered, it has to have her in it or it won’t be complete.It’s not faceless blobs of what I hope to have but one figure beside me at all times making it easier. I can be in a room of hundreds and that loneliness doesn’t leave, but with one person, the right person, it abates. I can breathe with her next to me, I don’t need a crutch to walk through life or a stupid joke to be on my tongue, I can just fucking breathe.

I don’t want to add more emotional weight to her, but I need her to know how deeply she consumes me.

“It’s you. I need you and I have a theory.”

She doesn’t roll her eyes this time, she sinks into me, and her voice is the softest I’ve ever heard it. “Yeah?”

I nod and pull her closer. My voice is slow and quiet as I stare into her eyes, loving the way she looks at me even though they’re sore.

“I was always supposed to fall for you, on this bridge, or in life, it was inevitable, you could run but it was always going to happen.”

She presses a chaste kiss to my lips and relaxes into me, hugging me to her. My sweetness. I’ve been sitting here for years on nights like this and I know why Stasi picked this place. It’s peaceful and no one travels through this road from 11pm until 6am. When the lights shine travelling closer to us and slowing down she comes alert, and I shield her eyes from the harsh beam. I already know what it is after putting our order in and the driver looks confused as fuck when I roll the window down.

He can’t see my girl with her hood up and my hand in her face as I take our food. Stasi looks up at me with a genuine smile as he gets back in his car and drives away.

“Always eating, luchik?”

I hum and sit everything on the seat with the ass warmers on high before I take out our first course. I hold the pizza slice to her lips and plug false joy into my voice.

“You can’t turn me down twice in the same spot.”

She needs to eat something, or I’ll put a tube down her throat. There’s finally not a battle and she opens her mouth, taking a bite.She lets me feed her and rests her cheek on my shoulder. I want her back to ignoring me and pretending to be disinterested, those moments were more comfortable than the way she keeps randomly staring into space.