15. Vlad

None of the codes have been changed as I let myself in to what is now Inessa's house. All the dust sheets have been removed and it looks like we never left.

The flowers on proud display have me moving faster. The card is still beside them like she knew I'd check. There's no name and just a generic good luck message.Hope comes back knowing it will be for the new building she's opening. Her business partner will have sent them. There's no stupid cunt in her life attempting to take my place.

I take the steps two at a time, expecting Inessa to have returned to what used to be our room and she has. It's something insignificant, but my body relaxes as I see her lying on her side with her hand protectively on her stomach. My queen doesn't twitch, and little snores come out like a symphony by the most renowned orchestra as I pull the sheets up to her chin. Her skin isn't blue. Neither are her lips. And her chest is moving.

She's alive. Her belly still has the small bump. They're both alive. I keep repeating it as I stand watch over her like a gargoyle. They're both alive, breathing, warm, and not blue. The windows are closed, and I'll get them sealed shut so they are never blue.

Kicking my shoes off, I gently lower to lay beside her. I won't fall asleep; I just need the peace. Being sentry watching her doesn't provide it and the tightness leaves my chest as my nose brushes the back of her head. I want to ask her a million questions.

Can she feel the baby move? Does it hurt? Has it kicked yet? Is she nauseous or put off by certain smells? But I can't. I can't do it. I can't fucking be here and I can't fucking leave.

Her phone flashes on the nightstand and I stretch over her. If it's some suka checking in on my wife, I'll get rid of them. She'll be happy with my family. And I'm not fucking dead yet, so she can't replace me. The fucker's full name is saved in her contacts, and I see red.

Simon Richards:

I hope you like the flowers I sent.

I know it's late, but I heard you had moved back to the city.

We should get a drink like you promised me.

The smarmy fucking prick isn't owed anything from my wife. I find some gentleness I don't possess to stop myself from waking her and demanding to know when the fuck she promised some dickhead a drink. She's pregnant, carrying my child, no one will ever get near her.

Inessa:

We'll do it tomorrow. I've sent you the location of a secret bar that you'll never want to leave.

I change screens, going to the program Anastasia created as he clicks the link and I get access to the cunt's phone. The first and most important thing I do is block my wife's fucking number before I drain his accounts and lock him out of everything important. Deleting the messages from Inessa's phone, I lay there ruining the cunt's life as I post every little thing I can find on the device to everyone he knows.

Porn history? That goes to his mother.

The group chat with his little finance bro friends goes to his employer so they can see the multitude of rape jokes and links shared of people abusing animals. The sick cunts. He doesn't respond to any of them, but he tried to ask my fucking wife on a date.

I'm about to scrub Inessa's entire phone to stop anyone else contacting her when her lashes flutter. There's no fear when she looks at me. It's sadness that fills her dark eyes and her sleepy croak.

"Why are you here?"

I don't have an answer. There's no justification when being in New York is going against the truce with the Albanians.She turns on her back and her brows come together, seeing her phone in my hand. The sadness turns to exasperation and her eyes close as she mumbles, "Obviously, you're only here because you need something."

She's not wrong. I need to know she's safe and warm. But it's easier that she assumes some nefarious intent and I lie.

"I was unlinking my card."

She'll have the money transferred directly into her account, but I don't remove my card from the device in case she wants to use it. She takes a deep, controlled breath before swallowing around a lump in her throat. Her voice cracks and lead drops in my stomach.

"Vlad, I can't do this."

Stroking her hair out of her face, I massage her scalp and hesitate in wanting to know her thoughts.

"What can't you do?"

Seeing tears in her eyes is fucking with me. The low light makes them glow and illuminates the path they take across her skin. She doesn't try to wipe them away and I move closer, letting her hide against my chest and snot on me as I turn her on her side to face me.

"This," she stutters and holds her breath. "I can't be the other woman and wait for you to abandon me again."

Despite the heartbroken words leaving her, she holds me tighter, and I suck in a breath when her bump touches my stomach. I don't want to hurt either of them, but the proof is in my arms and soaking through my shirt. I kiss her crown and give her the truth.

"There's no other woman, moya koroleva."

Inessa could never be the other woman, she's the woman. If life was different and I knew my death would be spontaneous rather than set off by my own actions, I'd bask in her presence. But it's not, and I won't break my word and decades of work. The alternative is selfish, and she'd hate me.

She looks up, giving me a watery smile and blows the tear stuck on her lip away before speaking.

"You know, you're the most just, cruel person to exist? I can't even hate you fully because you've never been anything but what you are." Bringing her hand up, she cups my cheek, and my throat thickens. "Whoever she is, the woman who owns your heart, she's very lucky."

My voice doesn't sound like my own as I kiss her palm and beg her to believe me.

"You're not competing with anyone. There is no other woman. Dayu tebe slovo, meelaya1."

I've never given a living person a promise with this much conviction.

There's no comparison between Inessa and Vanya since they each hold different roles. I'd be a sick fuck if there wasn't. But there are fewer questions by allowing her to believe the lie she's made up. Maybe I am fucking sick because I'm not correcting her. It's better the thought to exist in her brain despite how bile burns the back of my throat.

I'm sorry, solnyshkuh.

Her smile is still sad, and the tears flow in a steady stream across the bridge of her nose as she whispers with nothing other than pain clinging to her voice.

"I hope you finally get whatever it is you want.," blowing out a breath to speak clearly, she wrecks me, "and I hope I never have to hear about it."

She's formidable, and I discreetly move everything from my chest down back an inch to get the feeling of her small bump away from me. So I can't ruin them both. Even with tears in her eyes, she's beautiful. There are dark smudges under her eyes and her cheeks are slightly sunken in. I make a mental note to beat the shit out of Ana for not making sure she eats.

Or is it because she's nauseous? Is she throwing up and unable to keep anything down?

No, my brothers would have taken her to the hospital.

I should get Vitali to move in with her. He's a pig who constantly stuffs his face. No, it goes against the truce with Kadare, and he'll be killed. He hasn't fully healed yet. Fuck! There's no way to protect everyone. If she moves back in with her grandfather, it will start rumors that she's carrying someone else's child. The guards are like old fucking women, always gossiping and making shit up.

All her sadness is replaced with awe as I try to find some path that keeps everyone safe. She laughs and looks down at her belly as she gently places her hand over the small bump. I can't look away from her face, seeing the happiness and avoiding what will destroy me. She strokes across her bump, and I shift my hips back, avoiding contact. It's not loud or noticeable. I don't think Inessa would hear a bomb going off right now with how happy she is.

"Little wriggler, are you dancing again?"

Tapping against my thigh so my hand doesn't touch her, everything inside of my chest expands.

I can't fucking do this again. I can't let myself build up a life knowing how it ends, because it will always fucking end. There's no different outcome for me and I move away without looking back. I don't need the image to haunt me with the others. I can fucking kill dozens, hundreds, in a night and I'll be fine. But this is the worst torture I've ever experienced. All I can see is Vanya, her skin that turned blue and how cold she was. It morphs and turns into Inessa and the baby in her stomach.

I can't fucking breathe as I rush down the stairs, my shoes slip over the bullnose edge, and I have to grab the railing so I don't end up on my ass. My lungs are refusing to work while my mind keeps pulling up image after fucking image. In all of them, she's blue. Her lips, her skin. Arms stuck by her sides.

I can't fucking breathe.

They'll be fine as long as I stay away.

They'll be healthy and warm as long as I stay away.

Checking all the alerts are on, I don't linger and get the fuck out. As soon as the door closes, my stomach turns violently, and I fold in half on the step. She's a weakness. It's a chant in my head, everything pointing out that my only weakness is three floors above me, growing another one to keep her company. Bile burns up my throat, spreading into my sinuses, and I can't fucking stop it. The guards are all further away, but I wouldn't even give a fuck if they were stood beside me. Two weaknesses, both blue. She was warm, the baby was moving, she called them a wriggler, they move a lot, that's good. Healthy, strong, alive.

They were warm. Not blue. Alive.

Wriggler. Movement. Alive.

Warm. Not blue. Alive.

My body allows me a reprieve and I straighten as the stench of my stomach acid burns my nose. There are no guards, they haven't left their posts from the gates at the front of the house, and I'm not weak. Rinsing down the steps so there's no evidence and nothing for Inessa to clean up, I keep tapping on my thigh. It usually helps quieten my mind, but every memory assaults me.I'm not fully in my body but I'm not out of it like when I'm fighting. It's an in-between state like I'm living. The thought of death isn't a comfort anymore, it will always be my goal, but I can't reconcile it with wanting life. For the first fucking time, I want life.

Guilt swarms me, weighing down my bones and turning my feet to lead. I can't break my promise. Not again, not after it was my fault. I should never have fucking crawled out of that grave. I should have stayed there with Vanya on my chest. My steps are hurried as I finish removing the proof of my weakness and then get in the car. I manage to maintain enough sense to leave quietly so I don't disturb Inessa more than I have before I go to the only place that will calm me, I do what I promised I wouldn't and leave. I can't fucking focus and use the only person who knows me without being able to be in my life. Getting to the airfield, there's no fucking facade as I eagerly take the steps. My knee bounces the entire flight.I don't acknowledge time or distance, I have one singular goal as I go to the only person who knows me, my sins and failings, my weaknesses, and hope she can calm me like she always has as I go to the graveyard.

People grab their children's hands seeing me step out of the car and then it all disappears. I don't know if they've gone indoors or if I've erased them from my vision, but I don't give a fuck. I just need Vanya to make me feel like I'm doing the right thing, like I'm not the monster anymore.She never looked at me like I was dirty even though she had to know. She would always press her hands to the bruises and make a small O with her lips.

The holes that have been covered up fill me with anger and her headstone is too shiny, having been replaced as I round the tree. The spot that my lips always touched had dulled over the years, now it's new again. Leaning down, I try to get it back to its previous state and speak against the stone.

"I'm sorry, solnyshkuh."

My eyes burn and it feels like it's happening all over again as I sit on the bench.All the thoughts I laid below this very earth arguing to stay with her are there, but there are more people who require protection now. It's not just from Len and Anika either. It's from everyone.

My voice is barely a whisper, but Vanya has every secret, and rationally, I know she can't respond.

"Inessa is pregnant. There's going to be another baby."

I feel lighter, like saying the words aloud has cleared something off my shoulders, and I ask for what I don't have a right to.

"Will you watch over them for me, solnyshkuh? I can't be near them, but they have to stay safe."

Closing my eyes, I can see Vanya's wide smile and her eyes sparkling, agreeing with me and my lungs rattle when I try to breathe.

I slip off the bench and sit in the muddy grass as I hold her headstone. The sharp edge digs into my palm, and I rest my temple against the smooth stone front, which still doesn't have a name.

"I can't bury someone else. I miss you, and I miss them, but they'll have each other, and I'll be able to stay with you. I wish you never left me."

The image isn't clear enough for me to make out the little swirls in her eyes that I know were there. I close my eyes, trying to focus to reveal them.

It's rare that I can fully recall her face. It's always little snippets without any photographs to refresh my memory. But her giggles have never left, they are implanted in my mind, and I can hear them chasing me in my dreams. My beautiful Vanya who would never stop laughing and smiling, even when she was sick.

"I shouldn't have left you alone. I'm sorry, solnyshkuh. I know I promised that I would never ask you to do anything for me, but I need them to be safe too. Watch over them okay, please."

I'd give my life for one more day, not even twenty-four hours. Just a moment where I could hold her again and feel her warm. Watch her chest move to show she's alive and not hear that horrible crackling as she fought for her breath.

My joints ache as I blink again, and I'm surrounded by darkness. Exhaustion has caught up with me and I scrub a hand down my face, pushing all sleep away. With the time difference and flight, I've already missed Inessa's appointment and just sit there staring into the dark.Grigory must have come out as there are blankets covering me and a pillow between my head and the cold stone.

Staying in place, I rearrange the trusts and start the paperwork for 50% of everything legal to be transferred to Inessa. It's not part of the agreement and she has enough money as the heiress, but I'll make sure she's looked after financially. It's the easiest part, what she needs will ruin us both.Dima's message sits at the top, showing he has the cunt, Simon, in the warehouse and Vitali's message pops up showing a video. The preview screen is the ultrasound, and I can't swipe it away quick enough.

His next message doesn't help as he and Valentin send the same thing, not allowing me to escape.

Vitali:

We went to scan. Inessa was happy and the baby was moving a lot.

Congratulations, you're going to have a little girl.

She was burping so ignore Val if he calls her a dolphin. Inessa was going to stab him for saying it.

Valentin:

I thought you might want to know you're going to have a daughter. She's healthy. But she's on the smaller side.

Ring your wife whenever you finish whatever is more important.

I keep my fears back as I tell Vanya the news.

"Valyusha's already in the middle of a tantrum. You know how he likes to whinge about everything. But they don't remember anything." The cold air invades my lungs, but I'm frozen for a different reason as my hope comes out. "I wish they remembered you. Then you'd be real for someone other than me. They loved you, solnyshkuh, but they don't remember."

Kissing her headstone, I rest my forehead against the edge and my voice is too soft, turning into who I was.

"I love you, and I'll never forget."

Twenty years or two hundred, I'll never forget her. She'll always be my Vanya, the one light I had no matter the short amount of time I had with her.

* * *

I've feltdeath without dying multiple times in my life, every instance was before thirteen. But this is different, there's a heaviness to the soul I never knew I possessed as I walk into the house and hear Inessa. She's happy and sat with the others as she discusses baby shit while I lurk around the corner, creeping on my own fucking family.There's blood stuck to my hands after removing that cunt who thought he could go for a drink with my wife.

Len's call comes through, giving me an excuse to walk away and finally making his life have purpose. Waiting until the last ring for no other reason than to prolong my proximity, I answer and listen to his bullshit.

"Did you exchange yourself for your fucking wife?"

Walking silently to my office so no one hears me, my tone comes out deadly as soon as I'm shut away.

"Watch your fucking mouth when you speak to me, chuski2."

Whatever bullshit he's heard has him forgetting his position and the rage is evident across the thousands of miles between us.

"You are weak, just like before. You've let some suka bring you to your knees."

His insult against the only people who matter has my voice turning into a roar.

"Ya ubyu tebya v sleduyushchiy raz, kogda, blyad, uvizhu tebya3." I drop my voice so I don't get anyone else's attention when the sounds of chatter abruptly come to a stop, and there's a smile on my face at the thought of what I'll do to him. "I kept you alive all those years ago, don't think it was due to you being my father. Ty gryaznaya yebanaya pizda4, you're not worth shit and if you insult my wife again, I'll make the last fucking massacre look like a birthday party compared to what I do to you."

He splutters and I know his face is red with rage without him being in front of me. I'm about to end the call as I pour myself a drink when his tone darkens in threat.

"We know where you go."

The decanter slips from my fingers, the crystal breaking off in chips as it slams against the marble bar cart top and topples to its side. I don't notice the whisky flowing over the edge and hitting my shoes as I feel myself become death.

"And where do you think that is?"

He can't know where she is. I hid her. If he finds out where Vanya is, he'll take her away from me. No. Fuck, no. She's all I have.

But he answers smugly about something I don't give a fuck about.

"You think I would be as brainless as you and those fucking weak brothers of yours to hide what you did to Denis in that house?"

I relax at his incorrect assumption that I'm searching for the proof of me killing Dmitri's brother. I don't give a fuck anymore and shrug as I pick up the vodka decanter now that whisky is off the menu.

"Do it. We both know you'll die long before I do. As a Vor, I'm aware of what my punishment will be, as a shestyorka5, what respect do you think you'll be shown?"

He has always had a false sense of entitlement and power and I lift the tumbler to my lips, knowing it's fucking eating him alive that I have become the one thing he will never be able to.

Without an answer, he reverts back to old insults.

"You are weak. Pedik6."

He ends the call before I can react, and I'm ten years old again with his knee in my fucking back. That dumb fuck kid is screaming inside of me. My back burns, and my fist tightens around the phone, rendering it fucking useless as the glass splinters and then cracks. I was a fucking child. I had no control, and it was his fucking wife drugging me, so I didn't fight back. My throat closes up, and the tumbler in my hand meets the wall.

The only fucker who would run back to that cunt and give him the information about the MC is Leno. I should have fucking killed him when I first met him. Opening my door, my bark pierces the tense silence, but I don't give two fucks.

"Valentin, office. Now."

He'll be pissed, but his son clearly isn't incentive enough to get off his fucking ass and find the cunt. Maybe enraging him will light a fucking fire up his ass, and then I can work systematically, killing every fucker who knows anything about that ten-year-old child.

1 ?I give you my word, darling.

2 ?Untouchable, derogatory.

3 ?I'll kill you the next time I see you

4 ?You're a dirty fucking cunt

5 ?Lower ranking member

6 ?Derogatory curse.