16. Inessa

Only the Vartanovs would make me feel at home while I know I don't belong. Vlad's angry, muffled shouting has stopped, and Vitali has left to pick up Viktor from school. But baby girl is happy when she's here, and she doesn't stop wriggling. Valentin keeps looking from my stomach to me as we sit in the lounge, and I harden my voice before he can say something offensive.

"Call her a dolphin or an alien, and I'll kick you in the balls."

He combs his fingers through his hair as he averts his eyes from me. "I'm not going to. I was just wondering can you feel her move? Like can you see it?"

I would expect him to be the least freaked out since he has a child and I slowly ask, "Yeah, obviously, couldn't you feel Viktor?"

He looks at me full of vulnerability for the first time and his voice is low with his admission.

"I wasn't there before he was born. Or while he was born."

The quip leaves me before I can stop it.

"You must take after your brother."

He doesn't attempt to defend him, that's a role that Tali has taken as his own, and he shakes his head in disagreement.

"Definitely fucking not, I'm a shit father but I'll never leave my kid without me."

It's my turn to disagree with him and it comes out watery as tears burn the back of my eyes.

"You're a good dad."

He grimaces at my tears and gives me shit.

"Oh fuck, are you going to start snotting everywhere again? Wait for Tali to come back. You've already ruined one of my t-shirts."

Despite his stupid mouth, he wraps his arm around me and kisses the top of my head. He's clearly uncomfortable with my emotions. But he keeps me tucked to his side like I'm his little sister and puts on my guilty pleasure as I wince. My hand goes to my stomach as the little wriggler starts kicking. I grab Val's hand and soften my voice, hoping it can somewhat fill the gaps of what he missed. He stares at me as I pull it closer.

"I'm not really the hand-holding type. Want me to get you a teddy bear or something?"

Jabbing my elbow into his ribs, I tell him what I'm doing.

"Don't be an ass, she's moving, and you'll be able to feel her."

He softens and lets me put his hand directly over the little wriggler. Emotion fills his voice, and he smiles without malice.

"Oh shit, it feels weird."

We both flinch at the bark vibrating off the walls.

"Valentin, office. Now."

Dress shoes follow it, and Vlad walks out of his office with his rage perfuming the air. It becomes more intense as he stops at the threshold of the lounge. His eyes focus on his brother's arm, not his hand because he refuses to acknowledge my daughter.

Valentin attempts to play peacekeeper or get his asshole brother to do the right thing as he moves his hand back.

"Your kid is a little dancer. You should feel her move."

The dickhead turns despite someone literally telling him what to do. Strength fills me and raises my voice as I correct the relation.

"My daughter."

I don't look away from Vlad's retreating back and there's a slight pause in his steps. Not enough for it to mean anything, though. It never will be. His brother stands, kisses my head, then follows the raging prick.

Seeing him get angrier day by day in the periphery of my life hurts. There are no stupid remarks and even the air feels different when he's around. My stupid brain keeps expecting him to turn around, to dictate that I'm his responsibility, that we both are. But the more he ignores my baby, the more my resentment grows towards him. I'd forgive him for leaving me, I don't like it, and I will never accept it, but I'd forgive it if he did the right thing.

Every time I come here, he hides in his office like a creepy little villain. I only ever catch glimpses as he walks the same path from the front door to his office, but this is the first time he has actually come out to address anyone. He probably thought Tali had driven me home. I'm pathetic and keep staring at his office door, hoping he walks back out. Even if it was to argue with me, I'd accept it. At least it would show some form of care. Instead, I'm left searching for him, and every morning I wake up, he haunts me. His smell lingers in the air like he's there but he's not. I'll wake up in the middle of the night feeling someone else in the room, but there's no one standing beside me, and he hasn't laid beside me again.

The front door opens, and Viktor runs into the house to jump on the sofa beside me. He's so excited about having a little cousin, and he hugs me. He kisses my cheek and rushes out, "I've got a riding lesson, but I'll come back."

I nod and try to ignore how tired I feel. Thankfully Dani sees it and she speaks softly so he doesn't get offended.

"I think Inessa might want to have a nap, we'll go see her tomorrow, okay?"

His face hardens into harsh lines, and he whips his head towards his uncle's office door. I don't want him to be angry at Vlad or ruin their relationship, so I soften my face as I turn his attention to me.

"We'll have a movie night, and I'll even get all the junk you like for your sundaes. Your room should be ready tomorrow too."

It's already set up, considering the furniture wasn't moved when they left New York, but he perks up and I kiss the top of his head before he runs off to get ready for his horse riding lesson.

I hug Dani, getting ready to leave and Ana is my five-foot-nothing protector but she's vicious and a friend, so I don't mind. She's talking shit with Dima, and I want to be alone, so I let her stay as I step out of the house. The dizzy spells haven't left, and I close my eyes, breathing in fresh air as I wait for it to pass. The door is pulled open behind me and I already know the demonic presence that's going to be behind me. He won't say anything, and I don't give my stupid heart a chance to build hope as I descend the steps and unlock the car.

There have been no questions about the baby despite anything I even show an interest in purchasing being delivered within twenty-four hours of me looking at it. Ana is his little spy and if I mention I want ice cream at three am, there's a knock on the door with Dima's miserable face holding a carton out to me.But he doesn't actually give a fuck. Or not enough to be a father. The asshole cares but refuses to acknowledge me. That hurts more than him not giving a fuck. It shows he's capable but it's not enough to deem me, us, worthy of it. Cupping my bump like I can protect my daughter from my thoughts, I walk on surprisingly steady legs, and I don't cry despite the back of my nose burning.

I turn my phone off, wanting peace, as I get in the car and throw it on the passenger seat. I don't want to hear stories about Vlad's psychotic behavior or to give in to temptation and ask Valentin how he is. He's the devil, he'll always be fine. He doesn't experience human emotions or have a heart. He will always be fine, and I will always break.

My resolve weakens with each mile I travel. I could just call Val and make something up. They've already told me he's rarely home, and I could read between the lines. Vlad doesn't spend a single night in his own bed, he disappears, and Dima doesn't even know where he is. Baby girl kicks me in the ribs to get my attention away from Vlad and I relax, feeling her wriggle. I won't be my mother and talk shit about her father in front of her, but I can't control my thoughts.

Loneliness has been my companion since childhood, and it's colder after having a house full of people. I never felt alone living with Vlad, there was always someone there. Even if it was Viktor, and having Dani move in made it feel like there was more family. Pulling up outside my new house, there's only reluctance to go inside. I keep my entire life contained to the top floor because the ghosts of what could have been, haunt the others.

The new flower arrangement that was delivered this morning is an eyesore when I drag myself inside. The smell of the strange-looking wildflowers makes me grimace, and I hold my hand over my face to prevent taking any of it in. There was no name when they were delivered or even a card. Vlad can't even put his fucking initial, the bastard. Ignoring the packages on today's list of the neurotic asshole needing to still be in control without actually being in my life, I go to the top floor and fill the tub. Relaxation, that's what I need. Steam and things to smell nice so my nose stops tricking me into thinking Vlad's there when I wake up.

* * *

I waketo darkness when moving my body pulls me from sleep. My senses are toying with me. It's faint, but I can smell cardamom and sandalwood. My little wriggler is dancing on my bladder, and being seven months pregnant is taking it out of my back as I have to roll to sit up. My toes hit something that is not the fucking floor. It's not a scream that leaves me, it's too high pitched and I push back, swiping at my foot like I can erase the touch.

Moving further back with my heart in my throat, the lamp is turned on by my side of the bed. I didn't touch it and I'm out of reach. I've never believed in ghosts, but there's no other explanation to whatever fucking spirit is haunting me right now. I grab the closest thing to use as a weapon as I sit up on my knees and look down at the floor, expecting to see a creature climbing out from under the bed. Instead, it's the fucking devil, and I throw what's in my hands at his stupid fucking head.

Vlad doesn't attempt to block the pillow and just lays flat on his back, unmoving, like this shit is normal as it bounces off his stupid fucking face.

"What the fuck are you doing? You scared the shit out of me!"

My voice is hysterical while he continues being a weird fuck and fluffing the pillow up before putting it under his head. His head moves slowly towards me with a soft smile. There's more meaning to his low voice and the look in his eyes.

"Lost something, I was looking for it."

He's wearing a $50,000 suit, laid on the floor with his hands crossed behind his head, just staring at me.

I continue the strangest encounter of my life as I move closer and ask, "Did you find it?"

I'm being hypnotized and close the distance as he stares into my soul as I sit on the edge of the bed. He blows out a breath and the soft smile comes back.

"I don't think I ever will, meelaya."

Nodding along with him, discomfort has my muscles tensing and my mouth opening to chase away the soft Vlad.

"If it's your sanity, I think you lost that when you decided to lay on the floor."

His laugh doesn't have any humor in it, everything is weighed down by whatever emotion is filling his veins.He jumps up, full of energy, without his knees touching the floor. I don't know why I'm talking to him when my heart is still pounding from the fear, but I need him to chase it away.

"Why don't you ever do anything normally? You won't even put your knees on the floor to stand."

He stands in front of me, and I realize he's drunk. It's not making him slur or sway, it makes him honest as he cups my face with two hands and breaks me with a low voice.

"You spend your childhood being forced to your knees, and you'll die before you ever drop to them again."

My eyes close as he presses his lips to my forehead. It's not a kiss and he doesn't move away, prolonging the contact. I can feel the words more than hear them as he speaks into my skin.

"V drugoy zhizni, moya koroleva." 1

It sounds like goodbye, and my throat burns.He doesn't let go of my face or straighten as he takes in a deep breath. I keep my eyes closed, not wanting to see him walk away or let the tears fall. I lose the battle when he kisses my crown and breathes out, "I moya malen'kaya budushchaya koroleva." 2

Anger mixes with pain. The first time he's acknowledging my daughter is to say goodbye. The reverence and longing in his voice is muting it, twisting my emotions together and making them harder to navigate.

Life would be easier if I could hold on to my hate. If Vlad didn't let his teddy bear side out in front of me and just let me see the same as everyone else. But he has to be my one weakness and my mouth opens when he turns to leave.

"Vlad?" There's no thought of what I'm going to say, but I want him to look at me. I stare at his back, and he just hums in response, looking straight ahead. Choosing not to stay in my emotions, I plug fake lightness into my voice. "Are you going to pretend to be a rug again once I've fallen asleep?"

I can't see his face, but I know he's smiling. His ears twitch with the movement. Turning to face me, he smiles but it's all dopey and melting my heart. This stupid idiot is beyond drunk and even intoxicated, he has control of his body. It lowers the neurotic part of his personality, and he sounds innocent.

"Probably."

Holding my hand up so he can help me stand, the dopey smile gets wider, and I soften. He doesn't leave me waiting and takes my hand, holding it hostage.

"Lay on the bed. The floor will hurt your back."

The caveat isn't needed, but it helps reinforce the idea to myself. I'm not inviting him to stay, it's only so he doesn't get hurt.Choosing not to stare at him, I move around him and lock myself in the bathroom. I've never been happier to be woken up than I am right now. Maybe he'll be honest, and we can at least be cordial for the sake of my daughter. Or he'll spill every truth and I'll never recover.I don't know which one I would prefer. His childhood was horrific, adulthood can't be much better.

Splashing water on my face, I pull on my big girl panties and stop hiding. It's Vlad, he'll be a cocky asshole and make some dumb comment then fuck off before the sun has even risen. Taking a fortifying breath, I push through the door and keep my eyes fixed on my pillow. He's laid on his back above the covers in only his boxers and my treacherous body flares to life. Any lustful thoughts turn to smoke, seeing him slowly blink up at the ceiling. There's nothing but sadness surrounding him, thickening the air and my lungs feel heavier.

I try to keep my movements to a minimum, so I don't dislodge the tension and lay on my side, facing the wall. Everything is loud in the silence. My questions keep screaming, wanting a voice while he breathes evenly. He's not asleep, I can feel his eyes on the back of my head and the sheets rustle as he moves closer. His bruised knuckles come into view as he pulls the sheets up to my chin, and he flinches when I ask, "Why do you act like she doesn't exist?"

It's not loud in volume but the accusation is there.

Out of everything he's done, that hurts the most. I didn't expect him to fall on his knees in devotion, but he could at least ask if his child is okay. He lifts my head and places it on his bicep before caging me in with his chest against my back. But he's careful not to touch my bump as his other hand is flat on the pillow in front of my face. It's not a hug or holding me for comfort. He's anticipating my reaction to the shit he's going to say. Kissing my shoulder, he rests his temple on mine and the haunted tone leaving him makes me shiver.

"Because she will destroy me."

He tightens his arms around me, keeping me in place as I try to turn.

My daughter is a baby, she's not even born, but there's finality in his body. Like every fiber of his being is convinced she could possibly hurt him. His fingers slowly move across my ribs, and I hold my breath.

"I've never even seen her, but she's more powerful than anyone else on this planet."

Snatching his hand back before he can touch my bump, his chest stutters against my back as he drags in a breath.

"You'll both be safe and happy. Not blue, never blue. Pink, you'll be pink. I won't survive burying someone else, not again."

A lump grows in my throat, choking me at the depth of his low voice. My voice is too quiet under the weight of our emotions.

"Who did you bury?"

I have no idea of how many people Vlad has killed but those lives wouldn't be mourned. His weird behavior is due to grief, and he doesn't answer my question as he chooses to gut me.

"Anika always said it hurts because you're so beautiful. I wish my outsides matched my insides."He's falling asleep, his body sinking into me as he lets out a weary sigh. "I can't choose. I have to keep my promise, or I killed her for nothing."

Hugging his arm, I flatten my other hand over my daughter like I can protect her from ever being near Vlad's cunt of a mother. He softens around me and fits his hand over mine without touching anything other than my limb.

"I'll do what they couldn't and make sure you're safe from everyone, especially me, malen'kaya koroleva." He's not talking to me, and I bite my cheek to stop the sob from leaving."You won't be dirty, you'll be like your mama, and you won't cry. Never cry, and not blue. Be pink."

What the fuck did they do to him? Their only claim to him is DNA when they've clearly never been parents. But their abuse is engrained in everything that he is that it's altered everything.

The bad inside of him is overshadowed by the pure good he hides, and I want to pull it out so it can never leave again.He continues mumbling "not blue" and I have no idea what it means. He's on the cusp of sleep as he continues muttering his wishes.

"Won't hear you call me papa, the mhmuh can be your papa."

I can't work out the murmured word at who the fuck he thinks is going to have a claim to my child. He doesn't get to decide shit about her life when he refuses to be in it, and he doesn't get to ignore us then break my heart while he's drunk.

1 ?In another life, my queen.

2 ?And my future little queen.