8. My horse is bigger than your horse

EIGHT

My stomach was in a knot the whole drive to the pumpkin patch, but being here and seeing Del in front of me, holding our daughter, had me feeling like I was on the verge of passing out. Knowing how much I missed and everything she went through alone—the guilt was all consuming, and I felt unworthy.

My family hung back to let me approach Del and her family by myself. They were still reeling from the news I delivered to them before we left. It wasn't how I wanted to tell them, but I hardly knew anything myself.

The three women before me used to be a source of comfort, but I felt firmly out of the circle of trust. Del's mom, Lori, was chasing Ben around with a wet wipe, and Del was slowly swaying with her back turned to me. She must have seen Lottie looking my way because she turned around with a content smile on her face that fell when we made eye contact.

I cleared my throat as I approached. "Nice to see you ladies. Lori, you look like you're aging in reverse." Del scoffed, but her mom smiled like she always did. It was nice to be someone's favorite since Del was certainly my family's.

"You've been missed around here, Parker." Lori wrapped me up in a quick hug.

"Speak for yourself, Mom." To me she said, "Thought I told you to leave." She was beautiful, and like always, it felt like I could breathe a little easier in her presence. I could handle her being mad at me, but having her safe and where I could see her made me feel like my life was back to some kind of equilibrium.

"I don't run away from my responsibilities." I leveled Del with a hard look, while also not wanting to fight in front of her family. This was our business.

Her mom cleared her throat. "I love you like a son, Parker. Make it right." Lori shot her youngest daughter a disapproving look. "Clearly you two have a lot to catch up on." She shooed Del and I off to the side while motioning behind me to wave my mom over. I was sure they'd be a crying mess in a matter of seconds. My mom was already struggling to hold it together on the drive here. I was scared of how she'd react, but she was mostly sad about the situation. She loved Del and had been begging me to admit my feelings to her for years.

Reluctantly, Del walked next to me and shrugged me off when I put a hand on her lower back to guide us over to a bench swing under a big willow tree. We sat down, and I leaned forward to see the most beautiful dark haired baby snuggled against Del's chest, looking up at me with big green eyes. I swear I felt my heart fall out of my chest. Her tan, chubby fingers gripped the necklace nestled in Del's cleavage. I reached forward to trace along her scrunched up forehead. The resemblance was almost comical, especially the way our skin contrasted with Del's pale, freckled chest.

I looked up to find Del watching me, studying my face with a practiced, blank expression. It was frustrating that her impassive mask was being used against me now. I used to be the only one she didn't have her walls up with.

"She's… perfect." I moved closer to get a better look, but I didn't want to overstep so I placed my hands back in my lap and observed them together. They looked so at peace and comfortable with each other. I'd heard Del say multiple times growing up that she wasn't sure she wanted kids, but the way they interacted was natural. My best friend was a walking contradiction. Her love language was physical touch, but she valued personal space more than anyone I knew. She was a totally different person when she loved someone. The connection between her and our daughter was obvious.

Del reached behind her to undo a buckle and braced a hand against the little girl's back to hold her up. "Do you want to hold her?"

"Yes?" I replied, not so confidently. She looked at me with an eyebrow raised. "Yes," I said firmly.

Her laugh was self-deprecating. "I might hate your guts right now, but I'm not evil. You can hold your own daughter." She pushed my shoulder so I was sitting all the way against the backrest and leaned in to place the wiggly baby in my arms. She didn't pull back right away, and the sweet smell of her perfume lingered. When I looked up, her lips were mere inches from mine. Our breaths mingled and my clear head started to fog over.

Del pulled back, but didn't move far away. She tucked a leg under her and sat sideways on the bench so she could face us.

"Her name is Lily?" I'd learned a lot about flowers over the years, being Del's best friend. "Tell me why."

"Lily of the valley stands for sweetness, and she was born in May. She makes me feel complete." A soft smile crept over her pretty mouth. "Lily Rose."

I couldn't help but grin ear to ear. Rose was my sister's middle name. "After Holly? Come on, Del. She's never going to shut up about that." My sister had idolized Del her whole life.

"Yeah." She giggled. Actually giggled. "I couldn't help myself. I love your sister."

"God, I've missed that smile." I blurted the words out before I could stop myself. "Sorry, I… you made a beautiful baby, Del." Wow, I was not on my game today.

I looked down at Lily as she yanked the neck of my t-shirt and tried to reach the too long hair curling out of my hat. I leaned down and she gripped the strands harder than I thought a baby her size could.

"She's strong for a little thing."

"At least she got something from me." Del's sigh was long and played up for dramatic effect. "I carried her for nine months and she has the audacity to come out looking like your twin." She reached to brush the chestnut curl out of Lily's eyes and caress a chubby cheek.

"What can I say? Good genetics come with the James family name."

Del's expression changed to one of guilt. "Oh, I didn't… She doesn't have your last name." She wrung her hands in her lap, not knowing what to say.

I'd have been lying if I said my stomach didn't sink a little, but seeing the regret on her face made me feel worse. I shook my head. "Not your fault." I laid a hand on her knee and squeezed. "We can figure this out, Peach." She lifted my hand and put it back on Lily, but didn't respond. "Is it just me, or does she have a lot of hair for a baby?" I took my hat off and shook the strands loose. "I mean, come on, we don't even look alike." I lifted her up to my chest and matched my cheek up to hers.

"Yeah, I endured ridiculous heartburn for months so she could have those glossy locks. Worth it though."

I was just about to ask her more about her pregnancy when I heard footsteps approaching from behind me.

"There you are, the line for apples was so long."

I turned to see a man walk up to Del and lean down to hand her a caramel apple on a stick. Her favorite. I tilted my head up from my seated position to get a better look at him and immediately wished I hadn"t. The dude was built like a brick shit house, easily 6'5" with tree trunk legs. I really hoped this wasn't…

"Hey, man. I'm Thomas."

Great. Just fucking great.

I stood and held Lily against my chest protectively while extending my hand. "Parker. Del's?—"

"Baby daddy, I know." His voice was blunt, and it was clear he didn't like me. He shook my hand but looked like he wanted to punch me. He let go of my hand and tucked Del under his arm.

I narrowed my eyes and shrugged, wanting to smack the smirk right off his face. "Baby daddy, best friend, first love, call me what you want."

"Parker," Del warned.

Thomas laughed. "Right, used to be." My jaw clenched. "Nice to meet you."

I looked to Del and she just shook her head, not getting in the middle of it.

Thomas noticed Lily looking at him. He waved at her and said, "Hey little Lily." My blood boiled when she started making grabby hands and whining for him. I tried to soothe her by rocking like I watched Del do, but it didn't calm her. She started crying, and I didn't know what to do.

"Here, let me." Thomas reached for her, and I let her go to him. She settled down and relaxed into his arms. "I can take her to the car if you want." He looked to Del.

She nodded. "Thanks, I'll be there in a second."

Thomas walked away, shooting me a look. It was condescending and definitely not sympathetic. Not that I was looking for sympathy… It just sucked. I watched them leave.

I felt a tug on my crossed arms. Del watched me with an assessing gaze. "She's just tired, don't take it personally."

"Yeah."

"Alright well, I don't really know what to say." I looked down to find Del with a conflicted expression on her face.

"What do you want, Del?" It was hard not to let any frustration leak into my voice. After the revelations of the last 24 hours it seemed like I wasn't going to get anything I wanted—my girl, us as a family with our daughter, or baseball—anytime soon.

"What's that supposed to mean? I'm playing this by ear just as much as you are."

"You had a little more heads up than I did. You've clearly moved on with your life." I pointed in the direction of Thomas's retreating form. "Some guy just walked off with my daughter because he knew how to comfort her and I didn't."

"And how the hell is that my fault? I texted you, Parker. Begged you embarrassingly to call me back. Do you really want to start this? Here, right now?" She motioned to our families chatting happily just out of earshot. Mom was crying again with her head resting on Lori's shoulder. Holly kept looking our way, trying to gauge what was going on and if she could come crush Del in a hug or not.

"I don't even know what you're talking about. I never heard from you after I said I wasn't going to keep bothering you. Trust me, I spent months staring at the text thread wondering what I did wrong."

"Well, I'd remember if you responded."

We pulled out our phones at the same time and switched them as if it would immediately prove each of us right. I looked down at the text staring back at me, and my heart clenched painfully. I checked the time stamp. Dread rose like bile in my throat. I knew who had my phone when I should have gotten that text and what could have happened to it, but I didn't think admitting that would help my case whatsoever.

I handed her phone back and stuck mine in my pocket. "I wouldn't have ignored a text from you, let alone one like this."

"It's a nice sentiment, Parker. I just wish I believed you. How do I know you didn't just delete my text?" She shook her head like I was the epitome of disappointment. "It's sad, you know? Because I thought you were the only one I could count on."

"Give me a chance to prove it. But if you want me to pretend that I'm just okay with this, it's not going to happen. You're mine, Del. You always have been, and now that I'm home we're figuring this shit out." I stepped closer, so she was forced to look up at me. I took her chin in my hand. "Lose the boyfriend. Ghost him, dump him, I don't care. But I don't want to see his hands on you again." Her blue eyes were wide, shocked by my change in tone. The way her lips parted and her breathing changed gave me a direct line to where her thoughts were going. That was it, all I needed to know. She was still as affected as I was.

"I'll see you later, Dellie Girl." I left her standing there with her jaw on the ground and walked back over to my family.

"I hope you know what you're doing, big brother." Holly nudged me with her shoulder. "I'd really like to meet my niece before you fuck it up for all of us."