10. Quesadilla Gaslighting

TEN

There was no way I slept for more than a few minutes at a time. My brain was on overdrive with everything I needed to do. I couldn't wrap my head around how much my life had changed in the span of 24 hours.

I should've swallowed my pride and came home sooner. Oh well, I'd take care of it either way. All I knew was that Delilah wasn't going to have another reason to disappear from my life. She wouldn't be able to escape me if she tried.

I couldn't get over the way she squirmed when I had her pressed against the wall. And those pictures. God damn. I needed to think with the head on my shoulders and not the one between my legs.

We had a daughter and I was jumping in head first, as much as Del would let me. I had nothing but time while I was home, and I wanted to spend every minute making up for how much we'd lost.

My lock screen said it was seven in the morning. There was no way in hell Delilah Howard would be awake at this hour, not on a Saturday. I took my time shrugging on a hoodie and joggers. The scent of cinnamon rolls lured me to the kitchen where I found Mom sitting at the counter drinking a mug of coffee and scrolling on her phone. I walked over to the stove and lifted two of the huge gooey things onto a plate.

"Morning Ma." My words were muffled by the food I was chewing, but they were intelligible enough for her to understand. I took a seat on the stool next to her.

She looked over and smiled. "I'd scold your eating habits, but I'm just glad you're home." She kissed the top of my head and I didn't pull away. She deserved some love while I was here. It'd been a long time since we'd sat in this kitchen and ate breakfast together. Satisfied, she released me from her hug. "How was your night?" There was a hint of mischief in her tone that made me take a second look at her smirk.

The house had been dark when I came home last night. I went straight down to my room in the basement to shower and wait for Del's text.

"Why do you ask?"

Her eyes studied mine like she was trying to solve one of her complicated crossword puzzles. "No reason. How was the gym?"

I was officially suspicious. "It was good. I wasn't expecting Del to be there, but we actually had a good conversation and I'm headed over to spend the day with her and Lily later."

"Oh that's amazing!" She squeezed me tight. "I knew it was a good idea. Lorelai wasn't sure it'd work."

"You set me up?" Of course they had. "You and Lorelai need to stop conspiring against us. You've seen The Parent Trap too many times."

She clicked her tongue and swiped my empty plate from in front of me. "Oh I wouldn't say it was against you two. I think it was very beneficial. Was it not?"

"God, I really fucked up with the whole Kerrie thing. I should have never signed the papers." The look my mom leveled me with told me she had thoughts on the subject, but that she was holding back. "What?"

"Hate to say I told you so, but…"

"I get it, Ma. I heard enough from Holly after the pumpkin patch last night. I'm stupid." My sister had ripped me up one side and down the other when I admitted I let Del think what she wanted and insisted that I fess up.

"You aren't stupid, Parker. But I'm also not going to make excuses for you. Actions have consequences. It's time you face yours like a man."

It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I could always count on the women in my life to put me in my place.

"Yeah, any advice for today?"

Her whole mood brightened. "Are you so excited?" She rinsed the dish and set it down in the sink, then leaned back on the counter to face me.

"Uh." I paused. "Mostly nervous, but yes."

She shook her head and gave me an encouraging smile. "Don't be nervous. You'll do great."

"I'm not really worried about the baby part. Lily is great, seems like a chill baby. Del is going to be the difficult one." I spent a lot of time with Noah's daughters in Seattle and babysat them by myself plenty of times. "I'm good at playing the fun uncle. I don"t know about being a dad."

"Give it time Parker. Del's never been able to stay mad at you for long."

I didn't bother pointing out how different the circumstances were now. "Alright I have to make a few stops before I head over there." I squeezed Mom into my side. "Thanks for breakfast, love you."

Her smile was bright, excited for me. "Have a great day buddy. Love you too."

I shoved my phone and wallet in my pants pockets and grabbed my keys out of the dish in the entryway.

I was about to close the door when I heard her yell, "Six o"clock! Dinner at the lake house! Bring the girls or don't come at all!"

I didn't grace her with a reply. I just closed the door behind me and made my way to the extravagant rental car that was going straight back to the dealership.

I ran some errands before taking the car to trade it in. I grabbed flowers and ice cream for Del, a couple toys for Lily, and Mexican food for lunch. I wanted to make a good first impression on this tiny human. I knew Lily wouldn't remember when she was older, but Del would.

My new ultra-safe dad truck climbed the driveway effortlessly. I took Del's comment seriously and got rid of the Corvette. It wasn't the most practical vehicle for the small country town anyway. I didn't want to worry about it getting covered in dust every time I went out to Del's parents' place. I hadn't been wasteful with my money before, but it felt good to have an important reason to spend it.

I parked my blacked out Chevy Silverado in front of the garage and cut the engine. I carried the oversized bear in the crook of my elbow and grabbed the smaller one, the gallon of strawberry ice cream, lunch, and the bouquet. It was second nature to tap in the garage code and make my way inside.

Her mom's car was gone, so I let myself in and slipped my shoes off by the door. It felt like no time had passed and it'd been forever since I'd been here all at once. The only thing that was different were the photos of Lily on the fridge. It was a shrine to the little girl who had my eyes. I felt like shit knowing that my actions took that time away from my mom. I'd felt the weight of it on my shoulders since I found out and hoped that one day it wouldn't be so heavy.

"Del?" My voice filled the room and I winced. Lily could have been sleeping.

My phone pinged with a text.

Del ??:

Downstairs in Lottie's old room.

I put the ice cream away in the freezer but brought everything else down with me. My footfalls were quiet on the carpeted stairs, so I knocked on the dark stained door to announce myself before turning the handle.

Del was propped up in bed watching Gossip Girl with Lily snuggled into the crook of her neck. The blankets were pulled up so just their faces were showing in the glow of the bedside lamp. They were both still in pajamas after noon. That was completely on brand for Del. She pushed the plastic rim of her glasses higher on her nose and sat up. The blankets fell down just enough that I could see she was in one of my shirts—interesting for how she reacted to me yesterday. Her blonde curls were wild and untamed.

"You can turn the light on. She's awake, just sleepy."

I did as asked and set my things down on her desk.

"Are you hungry?" I placed the Mexican food on the foot of the bed and waited for further directions.

She inhaled and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. "For a Fuego quesadilla? Always."

I took the take out container out of the bag. "Shit, sorry, I just got you a taco." I handed it to her and saw her smile drop before she caught herself. "I can go get something else if you want."

Del rushed to cover her reaction. "Oh, no that's okay, a taco is perfect. Don't worry about it." She opened the styrofoam to see her preferred Fuego order and squinted up at me in confusion.

"You're a little liar. Don't bullshit a bullshitter, Delilah. You like two things and that's it." I shook my head. "The palate of a ten year old, I swear."

"Being basic isn't a bad thing. I'll never understand how liking something other people like makes you basic. Maybe it's just good, ever thought of that?" Her sass was a harsh whisper, but the smile across her lips was reflected in her eyes.

"I'm just saying, I'd be a jackass to not know what you want from Fuego. I'm not a jackass, but sometimes I'm not very smart."

"There's a difference?" she mocked.

"Yeah, baby. It wasn't smart to let you go back home and admit defeat when you ignored me. That won't happen again. There's no way I wouldn't remember my best friend's favorite food. I know you better than you think."

Her mouth opened, ready to spit back something venomous but closed as if she thought better of whatever retort just came to mind. Del lifted Lily from her chest and patted the other side of the bed.

"Want to hold her while I eat?"

I was already climbing in next to them, holding my arms out for Lily. "Of course."

Staring into our daughter's eyes, I immediately saw the characteristics she got from her mother. Lily might have taken after me the most, but she had her mom's full lips and perky nose. Her dark ringlets sprouted in all directions with a few strands held up in an elastic band on the top of her head. I held her with both hands on the sides of her belly with her feet bouncing on my legs.

Lily's hazel eyes were locked on mine and dammit if I wasn't intimidated. Her expression was open and unguarded in a way that knocked the wind out of my lungs. She was so tiny and fragile and completely reliant on me to hold her.

Del didn't question if I could handle myself with her, she just dug into her food and relaxed with her focus on the TV. I wasn't sure I deserved her confidence in me, but I was relieved she had any at all. I was prepared for her to have specific instructions on how to hold her and what to do, but it seemed like she unconsciously still trusted me. Not with her heart yet, but I'd work my way back to that.

She finished her food and stood in front of me with her arms crossed, watching Lily's reaction and analyzing mine. "Okay you look fine. I'm going to get a vase for those flowers—they are for me, right?"

They were special ordered last night, but I wasn't going to say that. I selected the purple hyacinth, daffodils and begonias.

"Yeah they're for you." I tried not to look at her for too long in case she got all "no strings attached" on me again, but I saw her blush a little.

"Thanks, I'll put them in water. And make Lily a bottle."

I sighed in relief that she didn't press further. "Are you…" I didn't know the correct way to ask. "Does she have formula or something?"

Del smiled, amused that I was fumbling my words. "Yeah, she has formula. I stopped breastfeeding about a month ago. You can ask questions, Parker." She dipped out the door before I could feel too embarrassed.

It was like I could feel Lily judging me. She scrutinized me and said something incoherent that I was pretty sure meant, "Get your shit together dude."

"You're a pretty girl, you know?" I whispered so Del wouldn't hear. "I know it's kind of awkward since we just met yesterday, but I'm your dad. I hope you're okay with that. Blink twice if we can be friends." It took a minute but eventually she did. I was going to count it as a win.

The more I talked to her, the more she reacted. She got wiggly and babbled until drool trailed down her chin.

Del walked back in. "She loves being talked to. It makes her all wild and drooly." She picked up a burp rag off the nightstand and tossed it to me. I wiped Lily's face and watched Del rifle through her closet looking for something to wear. Her back was turned to me and when she reached up I got a glimpse of the tiny shorts that had been covered by her long sleep shirt. I wasn't in a position to be thinking about her clothing or be disappointed that she had more on than I originally thought. I tried my best to remember that when she came back into the room with a matching workout set in an eye-catching teal that made everything about her shine brighter. She reminded me of the sun's glorious warmth on a rainy spring day. Like when you thought hope was far away, but then you felt the heat reach your skin and everything was suddenly okay again.

"You think she likes me?" When Del turned around I wiggled my eyebrows at her as Lily cooed and smiled wide.

She returned Lily's happy expression but crossed her arms. "She's a baby, Parker. She likes attention."

"Takes after her mom then?"

She rolled her eyes, but her grin only grew wider. "Cheeky, cheeky boy. You did well with the flowers, but now you're backtracking." She turned away so I couldn't see her face turn red, but I knew the color was staining her cheeks.

I moved Lily so she was sitting on my lap, chubby legs dangling over my thigh. "Do we look cute together?" I tickled Lily's belly so she'd make that adorable giggle again.

I could see Del swallow hard and hesitate. She didn't want to like me, but I could see a ray of hope for the future cracking through.

"Do you want me to take a picture?" She pulled out her phone.

"Yes, please." I lowered my head to Lily's and beamed.

We spent the rest of the early afternoon that way. It was calm, and the pressure I felt to be perfect waned. Lily eventually went down for a nap, so Del showed me around the nursery and pointed out where the important things were. Once I was familiar, we retreated and left Lily to nap in peace.