Chapter Eleven

I made up with Xae and Rath, but things were tense between us. Oddly enough, I was all right with that. They needed to work through their issues. I had told them before to let me walk away, that I might say things I would regret if I didn't. But Rath didn't truly understand until now. Oh, yeah, now he understood. I was a vicious bitch in a fight—physical or verbal.

But I wouldn't feel bad. Taroc wouldn't let me. And that made all the difference. You'd think it would have strained my relationship with Xae and Rath, but it didn't. It turned out that not feeling bad was the right response. If I had taken the full blame for what had happened, they would have forgiven me but also seen what I'd done as inappropriate. Wrong. When it wasn't. I had tried to walk away, but Rath wouldn't let me. Yes, I'd said horrible things, but if they knew me as they should, they would know that I didn't mean them. I was venting. I mean, that whole alpha wolf shit that I said I was sick of? I loved it. Xae knew that. But they needed to understand their part in our argument—take responsibility along with me.

In short, Taroc was proving to be a wonderful addition to the team.

"Another letter?" Rath asked, just a hint of annoyance in his tone.

My hand tightened around the paper as if he might snatch it away. It was a silly notion. Rath would never behave like that. I was the one who occasionally acted like a child, not him. But I felt protective of my admirer. His words were meant for me alone, and they were intimate. If Rath got a hold of them, it would feel as if I had betrayed the author.

"Yes," I said and tucked it into my jacket.

We usually faded downstairs in the morning, going through the arrival chamber instead of taking six flights of stairs to the ground floor of the citadel. But I always checked outside the door before we left. Sure enough, there had been a letter waiting for me.

"We'll meet you downstairs," Xae said gruffly.

That made me feel guilty. "Xae, I'm—"

But he was already gone.

"Rath," I said. "You know this isn't about either of you."

"It doesn't make it any less difficult to see you keeping something from us." He faded as well.

"If only you knew everything I was keeping from you," I muttered.

My guilt hovered a moment but was soon drowned out by my excitement to read my letter. In private. Without worrying about someone interrupting me. As I pulled the letter out of my jacket, I hurried to the couch and then sat down to read it.

Ember,

I'm a warrior. I feel as if it's all I know. I've trained since I was a child to become a protector. When I became a Wraith Lord, it felt as if I had reached the pinnacle of my goal. But then I saw you. I still remember the moment you walked into the dining hall. How the air left my lungs and my hands clenched as if I could snatch you away from every other man in the room. The attraction was that quick for me. That powerful. But then you spoke. You stood up to Lord Xaedren. You showed bravery that I didn't know existed in humans. And humor. You made me laugh. I don't laugh often. I want to, but even here, among men I count as brothers, I am lonely. I have a sort of pack I cling to. Beyond them, I don't socialize much. It's just how I am. It doesn't mean that I don't care about the other lords. I simply don't know how to relate to them. I'm different. And so are you. Maybe that's why I feel such a kinship with you. I see you feeling lonely even when you are surrounded by people. But this isn't a fickle fantasy, Ember. My attraction progressed steadily and became more than something physical. With every word you spoke and every brave thing you did, it transformed. I don't simply lust after you. I admire you. You inspire me to be braver. To fight harder. To persevere even when I feel alone and afraid. You are more Wraith Lord than any of us. I want to hold you, but also fight beside you. As I said, I am a warrior at heart. But as scarred and rough as my heart is, I hope you will have it.

Please, see me.

It was how he ended all his letters. Please, see me. He wanted me to find him. And I wanted that too. But how? There were hundreds of Wraith Lords in the citadel. I reread the letter. He had mentioned a pack. Did that mean he was a Ladrin? But he also wrote, "sort of." So maybe he wasn't. A sort of pack could just mean a very close group of friends.

I went into the dressing room and hid the letter in my trunk with the previous ones. Then I faded down to the arrival chamber. As I walked into the dining hall, I searched the Wraith Lords, looking for any sign of my admirer. A shy smile. Perhaps a stare that quickly shifted away. Anything. A few men did smile at me but it felt too casual. So I looked closer. I searched for tight-knit groups. Again, there were many. It wasn't unusual for people to form subgroups within a large one. I had a group of friends too, in addition to my lovers. We always sat at the same table for our meals, that one there on the right of the hall, near the buffet tables. It was a prime spot, which is why Nex had chosen it many years ago. But Nex wasn't sitting with us lately. He was over with his girlfriend, Evina, who had to sit with the children since she was their guardian.

I strode by the kid's table and waved at them. Several of the kids called out greetings to me, along with some of the adults of Fress, who also sat there. Caleb waved, and I nodded at him, then hurried to the buffet.

"Good morning, Ember," Lord Jusso said as he handed me a plate.

"Good morning, Jusso. Thanks." I took the plate and started down the line with him, selecting what looked good.

"How are things going with your Super Sex Team?" He winked at me.

I paused. Jusso had flirted with me before, but he was only interested in sex. I couldn't imagine that he'd want to be with me now, when a purely sexual relationship was impossible. But he was also a Fox Ladrin. Not an animal really associated with "packs" but he was part of a tribe. The Foxes. Did that make his race a "sort of" pack? Could Jusso be my secret admirer?

"Uh, we're good. How are things with you?" I cocked my head to look at him. Really look and let him see me looking.

Jusso glanced at me as he put a slab of roasted pig on his plate, then did a double-take. "Oh. Um. Things are good." He cleared his throat and hurried to the next platter.

So, maybe not Jusso. Damn. Not that I was all that disappointed. Jusso wasn't a man I saw as deep. He fought and fucked. That was his life, and he liked it that way. Not a lot of pondering going on in that head. I couldn't imagine him writing a letter to anyone, much less a love letter. Although, my admirer had yet to say that he loved me. Did that thing about wanting to give me his heart count?

I frowned and filled my plate slower, letting Jusso escape the awkwardness. Other lords joined me at the buffet, and I searched their faces too but tried to be more subtle about it. None of them gave me more than a passing grin. I finished making my plate and headed to my table. My lovers were already there.

"We heard you got another one," Kel said as I sat down.

"Yeah." I grimaced. "For a second, I thought it was Jusso. But then I got too flirty, and he ran away."

"Jusso?!" Keltyr guffawed.

I grimaced at him. "My admirer mentioned a pack in his letter this morning."

"A pack?" Rath jumped on the clue. Maybe because it was the only tidbit I'd given them about my letters.

"Yeah, but he called it a sort-of pack."

"Must be a Ladrin," Xae said. "But not a wolf."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Wolves aren't that subtle."

"Neither are Tytra," Taroc said.

"I don't think you can speak for all wolves and dragons," Rath said. "There are always exceptions."

Xae grunted. Taroc said nothing.

This only confirmed Rath's statement for me. Xaedren and Taroc may not be subtle, but they were men of action more than words. Not stupid, but not outspoken. Taroc especially didn't speak unless he had something important to say. I had been drawing more conversation out of him these days, but initially, he barely said anything. Breakfast had been a particularly silent time for him. Taroc liked to have some quiet time before he started his day.

So why would I think that men like them might write love letters? Because it might be easier for them to write their words than speak them to me. But I didn't share my theory. This wasn't something I wanted to argue about with them. I shouldn't have even brought it up. It was for me to figure out who my admirer was.

With that in mind, I took another look around the hall and my stare snagged on Jathalion.

Oh, fuck.

Could it be? Jath was at a table with his usual group of friends. He'd been listening to one of them speak but looked up as if he could feel my gaze upon him. When our stares met, his huge, black wings lifted slightly and glinted with green highlights. He smiled at me. My breath caught. We had sex once, but it was back when he still blamed me for the deaths of the recruits he trained. The sex had been phenomenal but angry, and he had left me immediately afterward. Now, he looked as if he wanted to give it another go.

I jerked my attention away from him. I was good with Jath now, but did I want to rekindle our romance? I mean, could I even call what we once had a romance? Even though I had forgiven him and liked him as a friend, it didn't mean I had forgotten his treatment of me. I wasn't sure if I could move past it.

Damn. If he was my secret admirer, I would be greatly disappointed.

"It would explain why he's remained anonymous," I muttered.

"What was that, Ember?" Rath asked.

"Nothing," I said, glancing at Jathalion. "Nothing at all."