Chapter Ten

I fell into a new routine. Every day, I'd wake up early, sneak up to the roof to train with Death, then come back down to slip into bed if my men were still asleep. If they were up, I'd go downstairs for breakfast before they could see me. Death would warn me either way. Then, after breakfast, I'd train with my lovers—swordwork, then magic. Our new goal was to get all of them to Ratharin's level.

It felt wrong to deceive them, but I was doing this for all of us. I needed to know if I could trust Death.

But three weeks had passed, and I still wasn't sure. I was showing a mastery of Death Magic that Death said was impressive. And I was leaning more and more toward trusting him. He hadn't tried to trick me or get me to submit to the magic, caging myself as Aranren had. He never tried to sway me into doing anything unethical. He only taught me. Occasionally, he'd offer some advice. But that's all.

Death Magic didn't rise to threaten my morality. It didn't try to consume me and turn me into a second Corrupter. There were none of the close calls I was prepared for. In fact, Death was becoming my friend.

Maybe it was because I had pulled away from Caleb. I wasn't avoiding him, but I didn't seek him out either. I was being careful, as both Taroc and Death had advised me to do. But without Caleb, I didn't have anyone to talk to about my life. Specifically, my love life. I needed a confidant who I could talk to intimately about my lovers, and Death filled the void. I began to look forward to our daily training sessions.

Good, Death said. Do you feel its heartbeat?

"Yes." I was so focused on the bird circling the ravine before me that I couldn't see anything else. Its heartbeat thrummed in my ears and through my blood.

Feel how fast that tiny heart pumps. Feel the glory in that little life. Death is the opposite of life, but that doesn't mean it's the enemy of the living. Death supports life. It is not an end, but the start of a new phase. Look deeper into the bird.

"What am I looking for?"

Death. Look for my magic within that life. It is there, Ember. All life on Varr possesses magic. Not all life can wield that magic, but it is inside them.

I searched those vibrant feathers, the hollow bones, and strings of muscles, but I saw no death. It was impossible to see death in so vivid a life.

Focus harder, Death said. Go deeper. Past the muscles, into the blood, then deeper still.

I went deeper. Part of me, the detached part that analyzed everything I did when I trained, did the looking while another part of me marveled at this ability to see into another living thing. And it was seeing, not just sensing. In my mind, I said threads of blood flowing out from the bird's heart. Arteries. I saw the blood, saw what it was made up of. Little pieces of the bird that I wouldn't normally see, even were I to dissect it. Its blood wasn't just a red liquid. It was made of tiny spheres and each of those spheres had a mission. They were to live.

And they were to die.

Shivering in revelation, I pulled back, out of the bird's body, and gaped at the incredible creation as it soared. The Goddess had made this. She had formed something so intricate that none of her creations would ever know how wondrous it was. But I had seen it. Little Ember, the human, had witnessed the true glory of life. And death was a part of it.

"For the bird to live, pieces of it must die," I said in revelation.

Yes! Death exclaimed. You understand now, Ember! Without death, there is no life. It is not merely an ending to an existence. It is existence. An integral part of every living thing. Pieces of you, even you immortals, die every second. Tiny pieces, but those pieces are so vital to your wellbeing. Without them, your wounds would not heal properly, your skin would thicken and harden, you would go blind, and you would die. Instead, they die, so the whole of you may live.

"I see that now. Life and death are woven together, inseparable."

Precisely, Death said. I am not evil, Ember. Nor will my magic taint you. It is as natural as Fire or Air.

"Thank you, Death," I said. "This lesson has helped me understand."

Death's tone softened, You're welcome, Ember. Knowing you has helped me too.

"It has?"

Of course. Before you, only Aranren would acknowledge me. I was alone with a madman. Now, you speak with me. You've gotten others to listen to me. I feel . . .

"You feel," I said when he couldn't find the words. "And that is what's important."

Yes, yes, it is. The sun is rising. Time to go back to your lovers.

"Are they awake?"

No, not yet.

"Good. Then we have some time."

Some time for what?

"I've been meaning to ask you some things. Now that we know each other better, I think I can trust your answers."

I'd be pleased to answer your questions, Ember. What is it that you want to know?

"What started the war? Everyone assumes it was Aranren using Death Magic. Is that what happened?"

As I've said before, Aranren didn't have the mental fortitude to cast the spells he found in my book. He should have trained with me harder before he tried them. But he was impatient and arrogant.

"So, it was the magic that made him into the Corrupter?"

No, Ember. No magic can make you evil. It was the way he used the magic that broke his mind. Then his madness created the Corrupter. Aranren was a good man. He still is. That goodness has just been broken. It hides beneath the darkness of his mind.

I didn't want to hear about the Corrupter's goodness, so I moved on. "What about the Emperor? I feel like he's hiding something from me."

If he is, I know nothing of it. The Emperor's mind is warded even more strongly than his palace. But I can tell you what I witnessed between him and Aranren when Aranren first summoned me.

"Go on."

They were very close. And yet, when Aranren needed Sarthares's help, he turned on him.

"You mean, when Aranren went mad?"

Yes. He could have been saved if the Emperor had put some effort into it. Sarthares was not as powerful back then, but he could have reached Aranren. Love can cross the darkest of barriers.

"Were they lovers?"

I never saw evidence of that, but they loved each other as companions.

"I wonder if the Emperor realizes that he could have saved Aranren?"

I'm sure he does, and I'm just as sure the regret is heavy upon him.

"How sad," I murmured as I headed downstairs through the tower stairwell, then crept down the stone corridor, past the children's rooms and the rooms the adults of Fress slept in.

Keltyr and Taroc had suites further down, closer to the stairs, so I reached the suite I shared with Xae and Rath first. But I didn't go in. Something was propped against the door.

I bent to pick up the folded parchment. "What's this?"

It has your name on it, Death said.

"Yes, I see that. Did you happen to see who left it?"

No. I was focused on you.

I grunted as I opened the letter. Then my eyes went wide.

What is it? Death asked.

"I . . ." I opened the suite door and crept into the sitting room. Instead of undressing and heading back to bed as I usually did, I went to sit at our little dining table, unfolded the letter, and read. "Oh."

A love letter, Death murmured. How arousing. How mysterious. How—

"How about you give me some privacy to enjoy it?" I drawled.

Ah, yes. My apologies. I will leave you for now.

After I felt Death depart, I refocused on the letter, my fingers coasting over the bold, black script. The writing was at odds with the delicate words. Whoever had left this for me wasn't an elegant man, but he had beautiful thoughts. So beautiful. Tears gathered in my eyes and my chest constricted. I felt his longing through the page, and I recognized it. I had once felt it myself—the dream of a great love.

I couldn't read it aloud, but I went over it again, drawing the words into my mind to treasure even should this parchment be destroyed.

Ember,

I see you. I know your smiles—the real expressions of joy that turns you from an ember into a bonfire and the false ones you hide behind. The masks you wear around those you love when you can't share your pain. I see it all. The fear you have for the future and the hope. The burden of destiny upon your shoulders but also the blessing of being who you are. I silently share your joy and your pain. But I wish I could ease that pain for you. I wish I could be someone you loved and never hid from. I want to be the man you tell your secrets to. The person you go to for comfort and joy. I want to see more. Everything. But you never look at me. You never see me. So, I am left in the shadows, waiting for the day when your smile drives them away, be it real or mask. I crave its warmth. Please, see me.

"Ember?" Ratharin's voice jerked my head up.

I didn't have time to school my features or swipe at my eyes.

"What the fuck?" he rushed over to me. "Why are you crying? What is that?"

I wiped away my tears and folded up the parchment. The thought of lying to him never occurred to me. "It's a love letter."

Rath sat down beside me, his expression going blank. "A what?"

"A love letter. You know, a letter meant to woo—"

"Yes, I know what a love letter is," Rath growled as he reached for it.

I pulled it away. "It's mine, Rath. Meant for me alone."

Rath sat back, a wounded expression on his face.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I . . . it feels wrong to share what he said to me with others. It's private."

"I see."

"Rath, it's nothing personal."

"It is very personal, Ember." His lavender eyes focused on the parchment as if he could read it if he tried hard enough. "I didn't think we'd be going through this again so soon."

"He didn't sign it. We're not going through anything."

"What?"

"It's anonymous." I shrugged. "I think he's shy. Or maybe he wants me to look for him."

"Look for him?"

"Yeah."

"Like a game?"

I shrugged. "Maybe. Either way, nothing is happening yet."

"Yet," Rath whispered. "Dear Goddess, what did this man say to you that has you using the word yet?"

"This is my first love letter, Rath. It's special." I chewed at my lip, trying to find the words to make him understand without hurting his feelings. "Maybe I shouldn't have told you about it. I don't want you to feel bad. I love you." I took his hand. "This letter has nothing to do with our love."

"I love you too," Rath said and sighed. "But I think you should share that with us. This is a unique relationship, Ember. We need to be completely honest with each other. If you do take this man as your lover, we need to be a part of the formation of your relationship. And it starts with that." He pointed at the letter.

My chest went tight. I felt a little petulant, like a child who didn't want to do as he was told. But also angry. "Why can't I have something for myself? And why must I share the formation of my relationships ? You don't have to fall in love with him. That's on me!" I stood up and clutched the letter to my chest.

"Ember, we all bond with the men you bring into our group. You know that."

"Yes, you bond with them after I do. Taroc was faster because he agreed to share our first time. But with Kel, I bonded with him and then we brought him into your bonds later."

"The timing hardly matters, Ember. We've talked about this. We must make these decisions—"

"No! I want to decide who I love! It's my heart!"

Yup, I was acting like a child now, but I didn't care. Rath was ruining something special. I had told him about it expecting him to be supportive and maybe even happy that there was a new prospect. After all, they had gone through a lot to get me to the point where I saw this arrangement as a blessing instead of a curse. But I was forgetting about his magic evolving and how they hoped that when they all grew as strong as Rath, we'd be enough. That I wouldn't need another lover. But if that were the case, I shouldn't be drawn to another man.

"That's not how this works, sweetheart," Rath said gently.

"But it should be. The Goddess told me to follow my heart. Not yours, Rath. Mine . I know I've gone along with what the rest of you want, but I've done it for you because I love you. It's not the way I want to do this."

"What the fuck is going on out here?" Xaedren growled as he came into the sitting room stark naked.

"Ember has received his first love letter," Rath said.

"He what?" Xae rubbed at his eyes, then frowned at the letter I still held. "Who sent you that?"

"He doesn't know. It wasn't signed," Rath went on in his cold, calm tone, the one he used when he was seriously angry but trying to keep it together.

Xaedren snorted. "Coward."

"This isn't cowardice; it's romantic!" I shouted. "Ugh! You wouldn't know romance if it bit you on your furry ass!"

"Holy fuck." Xae pulled back, gaping at me. "What the fuck did this man say to you?"

"He refuses to share it with us," Rath said.

Oh, that fucking voice. It annoyed the fuck out of me.

"You're not going to show it to us?" Xaedren asked. "Why not?"

"Because it's not meant for you, Xae. It's my letter. And here's a fucking revelation for all of you—I get to have things for myself. Things I don't have to share with four other men!" I stomped toward the door.

"Ember, don't you fucking walk out on us again!" Rath shot to his feet.

I paused and turned back. "What did you just say?"

Rath, always so calm, was trembling with rage. He clenched his hands into fists and said, "I'm tired too, Ember. I'm tired of you walking away every time a fight goes badly. Part of being in a relationship is sticking around! "

"You know why I walk away when we argue, Rath," I snarled as I stormed back to him. "I leave so I don't say horrible shit to you. I leave because I love you and I don't want to see your face crumble when I say that you're oppressive. That your love is fucking drowning me."

Even as I spoke, a part of me cringed and then screamed. Why was I behaving like this? But I was so angry. The anger infused every piece of my being, even those little ones that sacrificed themselves for me every day. For the greater good. Well, I wasn't about to sacrifice myself anymore.

"Ember, that's enough," Xaedren said.

"You are not my master!" I pointed at Xae.

"What?" His face scrunched up.

"You heard me. I'm not a Ladrin. I'm a human, Xae. Get that past your thick skull. I'm not going to play beta to your alpha anymore. I'm sick of bending over for your wolf because you need to assert your dominance."

"Ember, stop it," Rath said.

"No, you wanted to hear this." I spun back toward him. "You want me to stick around. So, here I am, Ratharin. Sticking around. You want to force me into staying? Into talking this out? This is what you get. Not so fun, is it?"

"What is wrong with you?" Rath whispered.

"I think he's enchanted," Xae said and reached for me.

"I am not enchanted, you big fucking idiot!"

Rath slapped me.

"Holy fuck," Keltyr's voice came from behind me.

"Someone care to tell us why Ratharin just slapped Ember?" Taroc growled. "You have five seconds before I cripple Ratharin."

I stared hard at Rath as I said, "Because they think I'm under a spell. That I couldn't possibly feel overwhelmed and angry on my own. Not our sweet Ember who will kneel to suck our cocks whenever we want and bend over every morning to take a good thrusting even when he's not in the mood because he's had to fuck all four of us for hours the night before. No, he can't be angry. He's got the better end of this deal. He gets loved by everyone. He doesn't have to share. He gets all the pleasure. The focus of four virile men on him constantly ! Who wouldn't want that?!"

"Ember," Rath whispered. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have hit you."

"No one thinks that about you, Ember," Xaedren said. "We know it's hard for you too. And we never want you to have sex with us when you don't want to. Not even my wolf wants that."

Strong arms wrapped around me from behind, then turned me toward a solid chest. "I've got you, love," Taroc said, then he picked me up, cradled me close, and carried me out of the room.

"Taroc!" Xaedren called after us.

"Fuck off, Ladrin!" Taroc shouted back, then nuzzled my face. "I'll take care of you, Ember. Whatever you need."

"Taroc," I whispered, my voice breaking and my arms going around his neck. One of my hands still held that damn letter. I refused to let it go.

"It's all right. You don't have to behave in any way for me. We're not playing right now. I'm your man, here to be what you need. Fall apart or rage or say nothing. I will still hold you and love you."

Taroc took me into his bedroom and kicked the door shut behind us. Then he sat in a chair near the window, and he settled me across his lap like a child. Broad hands stroking me soothingly, he began to sing.

I looked up at Taroc in shock, but his stare was focused out the window, giving me privacy even as he held me. I hadn't known that Taroc could sing, much less that he had a deep, rich voice that sounded as if the very world were singing to me. It vibrated through me, soothing me even more than his hands did, and I nuzzled in against his chest at last, holding my love letter to my heart.

When Taroc finished his song—I didn't understand the words since it was in the Tytra tongue—I sat up, and he looked at me at last. He didn't speak, didn't demand that I explain what had happened. Just waited.

"I don't know what came over me," I whispered. "I should go back and apologize."

"For what?"

"You heard me. I said some horrible things."

"They pushed you instead of letting you walk away and cool down."

I blinked. "Yes, exactly."

Taroc cupped my cheek. "What do you need right now, Ember? Tell me."

"I just." I chewed my lip and looked down at the letter. "I got a love letter."

"Did you?" Taroc grinned. "Was it anonymous?"

"Yeah." I grinned back. "And it's my first. I told Rath about it because I thought he would, I don't know, be happy for me. Yeah, I guess that was insensitive of me. I just, you guys are more than my lovers. I thought we were friends."

I had a sudden thought that this was why I confided in Death. I needed a friend who wasn't a lover. One whose opinion wasn't colored by our relationship.

But then Taroc said, "We are friends." He brushed my hair back. "We also love you and can get jealous. But I'm not threatened by an unsigned letter."

"Good." I let out a harsh breath. "Thank you for understanding."

"You understood me when I needed you. I will be whatever you need in return. I will support you as no one else can. That's how this works. That's how we show our love for each other."

I tossed the letter to the floor and grabbed Taroc's face. "I think I need to show my love for you in another way, Daddy."

Taroc grinned but he also took my hands from his face. "Ember, you were just raging about how we demand too much of you sexually."

"I was angry. I didn't mean it."

"I think you do mean it." He lifted one of my hands and kissed it. "This time is for you, my love. Not me. Let me be what you need now."

"And what if I need you to drive that big dick into me?"

"Ember," he said, his tone going firm.

I sighed, my stare going to the letter on the floor.

"Ember, my heart, you're making this very difficult," Taroc whispered as he stood up, cradling me again. He carried me to the bed and laid me down, then stretched out beside me. "Come here."

I went into his arms immediately and eagerly, assuming that Taroc was giving in and going to fuck me. But he just tucked me in under his chin and held me close.

"Tell me about your letter," he said. "Did he declare his love for you?"

I smiled against Taroc's chest. "No. He said he saw me and he wanted me to see him. It was . . . beautiful and a bit sad."

"And his sadness, his longing, calls to you."

"Yes." I lifted my head. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"Because I don't want you to feel bad."

"I don't, Ember. I know how romantic longing for someone can be. I imagine you have felt that way before, and so this man's desire feels familiar even though he hasn't revealed who he is. And that's key, isn't it? If he had signed that letter, it wouldn't have been half as romantic."

I chuckled and laid my head on his arm to stare up at his bed canopy. "No, I guess it wouldn't have. So, maybe this guy is playing a game with me."

"Maybe. Maybe not. He could simply be feeling things for you that he wants to express without his identity getting in the way. It can be hard to gain your attention these days."

"Why?"

"You are more in demand than other lords. You were recruiting, you help with Fress, the children, and then you have us to keep happy. You do a lot for others, Ember. And yet, it's hard for others to reach you."

I snuggled back in against him. "Will you be mad if I start dating someone else?"

Taroc sighed. "I will be hurt, but I will get through it. I knew what this would be when I fell in love with you." He kissed my forehead. "But I know you will look after me as much as I look after you. Me and my beast. So, I will try to cage it."

"Don't ever put yourself in a cage for me." I turned my face up and grabbed the back of his head to pull him into a kiss.

It was tender, an expression of all I felt for Taroc, all he was bringing out of me at that moment. And that was a lot. I stroked his chest, enjoying the rumblings under my hand, and felt the answering rumble in my heart. The man who wrote that letter could be anyone, but the man in my arms wasn't hiding. He was solid, steady, brave, and mine. Not a fantasy. Reality. And the reality was so much better.

My hand drifted down between Taroc's legs to cup him.

Taroc pulled out of our kiss with a growl. "Ember."

"I don't want to fuck you, Daddy," I said as I straddled his waist. "I want to make love to Taroc."

Taroc's expression softened into something more romantic than any letter. "I want that too." He pulled me back down to his lips.

For once, he didn't take control. Taroc moved slowly with me, following my lead, letting me set the pace of our love. We undressed each other with long kisses between each piece. And yet, I wasn't panting in need by the time we were naked. I was comfortable. Aroused but hedonistically so. I could have lain there with him all day, just stroking his bare skin.

But our kisses eventually wandered. I worshiped my way across Taroc's broad chest, then down his belly. Instead of rushing through oral sex, I took my time kissing his length and rubbing my cheek along it before licking the tip. When I finally drew him into my mouth, Taroc was writhing. I looked up, across the expanse of his muscular chest, to find him gazing at me with perfect love. No demands, even then, just a yearning for more.

And this was one yearning I could satisfy.

I crawled up his body and straddled his hips. Reaching out, I drew the bottle of oil on the bedside table—the one always there for times like this—to me with Air Magic. Then, slowly, I poured some into my hand. Taroc's jewel-gaze followed my motions as I rose onto my knees and stroked his cock, coating it. He groaned, his eyes closing briefly as his hands clenched on my hips. I rubbed the remainder over my opening, then guided him home.

Soft sighs sliding from both of us, we came together. I eased down upon him, then ground into the motion until I rocked back and forth. Deeper and deeper he went. At last, he was fully sheathed, and I felt whole. I sat there for a few long moments, just holding him in me as I held his stare. And Taroc let me, happy just to stroke my chest.

But when I began to move, Taroc grunted. His hand slid down to take my cock. Moving in time with my undulations, he pumped me. I moaned, running my hands over my chest and then down his arms and to his pectorals. I latched on, thumbs swirling over his nipples, and sped up.

"Ember," Taroc said.

I met his stare and together, we said, "I love you."