27. Carina

CHAPTER 27

Carina

THREE WEEKS UNTIL RYAN'S BIRTHDAY

T he sun is high in the sky, birds are singing, and trees are filling in with dark green leaves, but for once, I don't care. My heart is still hurting. Still, it's such a beautiful day that I decide to walk home from the hospital instead of taking the subway.

As I reach my street, I notice a woman sitting on the porch stoop. I sigh, recognizing my mother, and brace myself.

What does she want?

It's been almost a week since I left Alex's with Ryan. She hasn't reached out to me, and I haven't reached out to her either.

There was something unhinged in her look that day at Alex's. Something I didn't recognize and didn't want to get to know.

"Visiting the old lady again?" Mom asks as I approach.

I stop at the bottom of the steps, not wanting to let her in. I was still uncomfortable with how she had walked through the apartment as if it was hers last time.

"Yes, I was visiting Grandma. I'm surprised you haven't."

"Meh, that old woman will live forever. Plus, she's only there for testing. Not like she's going to die."

I want to call her out for being rude, but she's my mother, so I say nothing. I ball up my fists and cross my arms over my chest, hiding my fists against my body.

"How's Ryan?" she asks with a smirk.

Her voice has a tinge of snark, and I wonder if I'm hearing things. Why is she talking to me like this? I thought she wanted to be a family again . Her smirk shifts into a sweet smile, and I decide it's just me being sensitive.

"I don't know. I haven't spoken to him since that day." My gut is telling me not to trust her even though I want to. "What were you doing there anyway?"

"Where? Oh, at your other boyfriend's? Alex's?"

"He's not my boyfriend, we're just friends."

"You're so predictable it's pathetic, Carina. How can you even think of him as your friend? He used you, sweetheart."

"No, he didn't. I got something important out of it, and we became friends. This is none of your business anyway."

Her hand sweeps fast and hot across my cheek. My eyes widen as I unfold my arms, my balled-up fists now at my side.

"Show some respect," she says.

"Act with some," I say.

Her hand flies up again, but I move, and she slips down a couple of steps from her momentum, landing on her butt.

"We could've made a great team, you know," she says, brushing herself off as she stands. "With your gullible naiveté and whatever cute thing you have that attracts the men, and me with my brains, we could've convinced a lot of men out of a lot of money."

I stare at her in disbelief.

"That's the last thing I want to do. That's not right," I say.

"Whatever. What's done is done, and now there are two heartbroken billionaires just waiting for some attention."

"So you knew?"

"What? About Ryan? I can't believe you didn't. Maybe you should pull your head out of the sand every once in a while, kid."

I stay standing at the bottom of the porch steps, not wanting her near the front door. She glares at me before shrugging then forces a smile.

"Well, to each their own," she says.

Her eyes have that evil, dead look I remember from Alex's, and I realize she is why I have such a hard time trusting people.

She reaches into her purse and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, taps one out, places it between her fingers, and lights it as it reaches her lips.

She inhales deeply, then blows her smoke at me, making me cough.

"I'll see ya around, kid."

I watch as she walks up the street. Odessa rounds the corner, and my mother bumps her shoulder into Odessa before she continues walking.

"Well, excuse me," Odessa says, her voice all sass.

Odessa motions to me, and I know it's her way of saying that woman is a bitch. Then, her jaw drops open as recognition crosses her face.

She mouths the words, ‘Was that your mom?' then holds her hand over her mouth in shock.

I'm laughing as she reaches me.

"I'm so sorry, sis! I didn't recognize your mom."

"Yeah, well, she deserved it. She's something alright," I say.

"Oh my goodness, did she slap you?" She moves her hand to my cheek. "It's bright red. Did it hurt?"

"She did. It surprised me more than anything," I say.

"What'd you do?" Odessa teases.

"She thought I was being disrespectful."

"Were you?"

I laugh. "I might've been."

"Good, she deserved it. Did you slap her back?"

"She's my mom! I can't slap her back."

"Oh yes, you can. Besides, she's barely your mom. You shouldn't take that crap from anyone."

Suddenly, my eyes well up, and I can't stop the tears from coming. I turn away from Odessa and wipe at the tears, but there's no stopping them.

"Oh, honey, what is it? Is it her? She's not your momma; Lydia is. You know that."

"No, it's not that," I sniffle. "I guess it's just everything really. Alex said he loves me, and we've talked since, but I don't think we can be friends anymore, which I hate. Ryan kind of said he loves me too when he gave me this." I point to the hair comb that has only left my hair once since I got it. "But now he hates me. He showed up at Alex's and saw me there. I left with him, but then we had a huge fight."

"Does he know the truth? Did you tell him?"

"No. How can I? It'll just make things worse."

Odessa wraps her arm around my shoulder and leads me up the steps to the front door of the building.

"Let's take this inside," she says. "People sometimes are too damn nosy for their own good." She points to one of my neighbors sitting in the window. "I'm talking to you. I see you."

The woman suddenly closes her blinds, and Odessa and I laugh.

"See, that's good, you're laughing."

"Thanks," I say as I unlock the door."

She heads straight into the kitchen, grabs the tea kettle, fills it with water, and starts heating it up. Then, she begins opening and closing cabinet doors.

"You have to have cookies or something in this place," she says. "I know Lydia has a sweet tooth." She finds my grandmother's stash of Chessman cookies, pulls two out, and hands one to me. "This will help you feel better."

"Thanks," I say, taking the cookie.

"Now, what are you going to do, sis? Are you going to just sit there and let life happen to you, or are you going to make life happen for you?"

"I'm going to make life happen for me?" I say before forcing a smile.

"Say it with confidence."

"But I don't feel confident."

She sits down next to me and crosses her legs. "I'll let you in on a little secret. A lot of us don't feel confident most of the time. I know I don't. But if I tell myself to act it, then I'll feel it. Fake it until you make it, and then manifest that shit into existence. You've been through a lot lately with your grandma's health, and now these men, and losing your job. Sis, your tears are well deserved. But you need to figure out what's next because otherwise, you'll get stuck in this mud, and it's hard to get out of it."

"I want to fix things with Ryan," I say.

"Then stop waiting for him to call. Take control of your life."

I nod my head and reach for my phone. I tap his contact photo, a picture I took of him cooking at the cabin, and the phone begins to ring. And ring. And it keeps ringing until it goes to voicemail.

I let out a long breath of disappointment as I hang up. Odessa is right. Ryan and I need to talk. I need to tell him the truth, and I need to hear his. I can't judge him for lying when I haven't been honest, either.