26. Ryan

CHAPTER 26

Ryan

THIRTY-FIVE YEARS AGO

T he soft beeping of the hospital machines fills the air. There were other people nearby, but I couldn't hear them. I didn't want to hear them. This wasn't a place good for playing and that's all I wanted to do.

Alex was ten years old, five years older than me. We sat in a corner of Mommy's hospital room as our father spoke with one of her doctors.

Mommy looked as small as me in the hospital bed. The white blanket was pulled up to her chin, just like when she would tuck us in for bed. A bit of her bright pink pajamas peeked out from under the blanket.

Alex pointed to a colorful dancing giraffe in the book he was reading to me, but I wanted to know what the man in the long white coat was saying. I ignored my brother and focused on the doctor's words.

"She's had a setback," the doctor said quietly. "I'm sorry, but the cancer is spreading too quickly. No amount of treatment is going to help at this point. She's too weak. Any additional treatment could…" He shook his head, then looked at my brother and me before turning back to our father. "Our focus should be on making her comfortable now. We'll be keeping her in this ward, but she'll be under hospice care now. She doesn't have much time left."

Father lowered his head but said nothing. The doctor walked out of the room. Father looked at Mommy and kissed her forehead before yanking the book out of Alex's hands and throwing it across the room. Alex and I jumped from the thud the book made when it hit the wall.

"This is all your fault," Father hissed, inches from Alex's face.

Alex sat up straight as he held his breath as if he had physically felt our father's jab or was waiting for it. He fought back tears as I moved closer to him, confused and scared.

"I… I didn't have time," Alex said. "I had homework, and--"

"Excuses! You know how much those drawings by you and your brother mean to her. She needed new ones, but it's too late now. She's going to die, and it's your fault. Get out of my sight! I don't want to look at you."

The machine connected to Mommy suddenly beeped quickly and loudly as it flashed. Alex runs out of the room. Mom moaned as her hand reached out. I walk over and slip my small hand onto her palm. She squeezed my hand gently, but her eyes didn't open. They rarely did anymore.

"One day, things will be better," Father whispers to me as he pats my head.

I looked up at him. His green eyes were red and swollen, and his skin was pale. He hadn't left Mommy's side in months except to work or shower. He forced a smile, then turned away from me and smoothed out her blankets as the machine quieted down.

Mommy died three days later.

The following week, Father sent Alex to a sleepover school because he didn't want to see his face anymore. It reminded him too much of our mom.

In a matter of days, my brother and I lost each other and our mother.

THREE WEEKS UNTIL RYAN'S BIRTHDAY

I had spent the last few days since I saw Carina replaying our relationship in my mind. Part of me knows I'm at fault, but a bigger, more stubborn part can't get past the fact that she was at Alex's. That's not a coincidence.

While he has never done anything to hurt me before, there's a first time for everything.

My phone rings, and I quickly grab it, hoping it's Carina. Instead I notice my brother's name flash across the screen. I consider putting the call through to voicemail, but I need to know the truth.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Been a long time," he says.

"Surprised you still have the same number."

"So do you. Shame we didn't keep in touch," he says. "But I know we couldn't. You especially."

My heart warms hearing him say that, even though it angers me at the same time. But that's not his fault.

"We've spent too many years separated because of that man," I say.

"It's up to us to change that, and I'd like to start that now. I know we're not supposed to meet or anything, but I just don't care anymore. What do you say to dinner at John's?"

"Just like old times," I say, momentarily lost in my memories. "I'm looking forward to it."

"Me too," Alex says. "But you're not going to be happy with what I have to say."